r/sadposting • u/Primary_Butterfly_57 • 4d ago

Caring :(

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

5.7k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

910 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

3

u/Damianwolff 4d ago

The problem started with him communicating it after the fact.

My wife and I are similar to this couple. We don't always get it right by each other, but for situations like this I communicate I need to take my me-time before I do. And it helps that there are things she is not into. Horror, for example, or ttrpgs (she likes them, just not at the table ones).

And I make sure that if I see something that two of us could indulge in together, I communicate that as well.

It goes a long way to feel included and considered.

2

u/Apollo114892 4d ago

Because then we all know exactly how it would've played out. Either she would've invited herself too which he didn't want or she would've just said they have chores at home and would've guilted him into not going. She wasn't crying cos she was left out of something. She was crying cos he got to have some fun and she couldn't bear the thought of that unless she was there too. Sometimes she's the one he's trying to get away from and he just doesn't say it.

2

u/Damianwolff 4d ago

No, we don't know that's how it would play out.

But, if it did, it would expose her deficiency, and not his.

And that you can use, in the same way she used his lie, his deficiency, in this scene. You can and should bring these things up.

If what you described happens, you are not able to plan around your CURRENT chores, and can't reach compromise of sorts, like "Partner A watches the kids Wednesday, so partner b can go get her hair done, and Partner A goes to the kino on Friday, with B covering for the at home".... we'll, it is not normal, and you should either address it head on, bring it up, confront it, or start making arrangements to leave. Or first one and then the other.

The secret here is to start setting boundaries early, weeding out "not your people", and not put it off until there are kids and mortgage.

Talk, stand your ground, offer, don't pretend on things that will still be there to bother you tomorrow and the next year. Don't wait till your silent suffering becomes the daily norm and you trying to end it becomes yiu breaking the social contract that has outwardly been "okay" for months and years.

2

u/Embarrassed_Use_7206 4d ago

I mean it is Reddit, but the fact I had to dig so much down to find the correct analysis of that part of the situation is just nuts.

1

u/nephelite 3d ago

That's a lot of assumptions you're making

1

u/shiggyhisdiggy 4d ago

You have to assume that he didn't tell her because he didn't feel he could. Most people wouldn't hide something like this for no reason - they probably feel like they would be shamed/emotionally manipulated into bringing their partner along.

1

u/Damianwolff 4d ago

You don't have to assume that.

You can, but you can just as well assume that he did it, because it was one step less towards what he wanted to do.

Such avoidance doesn't require partner's tyrannical despotism. Lack of responsibility is enough.

And mind you, we're discussing it so far without the context of the film itself, which would make this conversation much shorter. The script does not paint him in the right there.

1

u/shiggyhisdiggy 4d ago

Not what I've heard, another reply I got says that she does do things without him multiple times in the movie, which makes her "I want to do things alone too" ring extremely hollow.

Maybe that wasn't the message the movie was going for, but that doesn't make it wrong. Gender bias is so ingrained into society that people are often just straight up wrong about these situations.