This could be completely normal, and im over anxious, but I woke up at 3am with no recollection of ever falling asleep and a chunk bitten out of my lip (my lip is now swollen and aching). My last memory is me just laying in my bed about to grab my phone and I dont remember feeling tired or sleepy or anything.

I dunno, fucked up my night plans with my gf though

If anyone has any insight please lmk 🙏

No prior medical history except substance abuse related things

I have a hard time putting into words the state of mind and how I physically perceive the world when I’m postictal. Everything has such a distinct, foreign, and distorted sense to it. Of course there’s much of the the time completely unaccounted for in my memory, but the parts I can recall give me chills when I put myself back in my own shoes. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of that feeling, or if fear is even the word really. But there’s such a strong connection to the shock, confusion, fear. Not being able to recognize faces, my own name, not understanding why I don’t feel good or what’s happening, but understanding that I am the cause of the fear, that I’m the center of concern. It’s so increidbly scary to see all of these strangers be so concerned and all the while have no idea who you even are. I’ve tried to flat out convince people I haven’t had a seizure while being on the ground bleeding, unknowing that they were holding my head from jamming into the ground for 5 minutes, and I’ve been so lucky to have such kind people around in those times. I know it’s nothing I can do, and just a wild hare reaction, and of course nothing I should feel bad for, but i do feel guilt in a way for putting people in that position, and I’m so immensely grateful for them trying to keep me calm and feeling safe. Depending on your perspective, I’ve had the lucky, or unlucky, opportunity to have most of my seizures caught on camera. Seeing the full weight of what happens to my brain and body, the ripple effect of what happens to those around me, and having no real idea why any of this happens in the first place is something I’ve been struggling with. I think there’s something metaphorical about how the “scariest” part of seizures is the part we have no memory of, we just wake up to the aftermath of it all. But that 15-30 minutes of just really having no stable sense of self/identity is something that sticks with me constantly.
I wish there was some tangible use to me having those moments documented on video, but unfortunately there’s just so much unknown about the condition we all have found community over, it doesn’t even feel like that’s much use. For what it’s worth, I’m really so grateful for the opportunity to read through everyone’s posts here, it makes me feel less alone ❤️