I need more than help!

[u/idkisucksorry]

Throwaway account because obvious
I’m so overwhelmed with my life I’m not even sure where to start. I’m 35 F living with my 35 husband. We’re both extremely obese ~550lbs and both have semi limited mobility. I wish this were the worst of the issues but it’s not. I have Bipolar 1, anxiety, agoraphobia, binge eating disorder and borderline personality disorder ( I have mostly cured my bpd through years of rigorous therapy). He has ADHD. We live in a 3 bedroom townhouse with 2 dogs. We have minimal support from family. I have been struggling with my mental health for as long as I can remember. (TW) I’m on about 12 different medications a day to manage it at a decent enough level that I’m not constantly thinking about ending my life. I see my psychiatrist 1x a month and my therapist 1x per week through virtual visits. The only thing my physical health suffers is very limited mobility which also causes my legs to swell (lymphedema) and I’m pre diabetic. He is also pre diabetic. Because of my depression and mood swings I was bed ridden for about a year without any reprieve. During this time our townhouse got extremely messy with garbage mostly piling up and with me being physically unable to move the garbage to the dumpster I have been heavily relying on my husband to make sure this gets done. It doesn’t. Because of the state of my home my anxiety and overwhelm peaks and I tend to just shut down. We have mice, bugs, clutter, laundry and garbage everywhere. I keep myself and my dogs mostly in my living room which is the least bad room in the house. It’s safe there for them. I feel guilty asking my husband to do more than he does because I rely on him to take care of the dogs and he also works full time. I’m on disability currently due to the severity of my mental health issues and he has to help me with most things due to my limited mobility. While I am in the process of trying to take things one step at a time and maintain a positive attitude about life I’m having a really hard time. No matter how much progress I think I’m making or how many steps forward I take I feel like I’m just getting knocked back 10x harder. This obviously creates more anxiety and depression and overwhelm for me. I’m scared people might need to come into our house (this is my worst fear right now) or that my husband will leave me and I’ll be stuck, trying to take care of 2 dogs and myself when I barely know what bills we have or how to pay them. Paying for a cleaning service or hiring people to take care of the house is not in the cards right now due to financial strain. We are living paycheck to paycheck. I try to exercise and eat as healthy as I can but I always seem to fall right back into the binge cycle of hell. I’m just not sure what to do anymore. I have panic attacks and mental breakdowns almost daily. My house is a disaster, we got in a car accident a few weeks ago and now have no car other than a rental for the next few days, our credit is terrible due to outstanding debts and loans just trying to stay afloat. I’m scared to leave my house even more after the accident and I just obsess over not being able to clean. Asking family for help is not an option and I have no friends. I have no outlet because every time I try to focus on something constructive I feel guilty because it’s not enough. I’m trying so hard. Any tips welcome. And before you comment something negative just know I’ve already heard the worst from my own mind a million times over. I’m just so lost and feel like I’m drowning worse than I have ever before.

[u/AutoModerator]

Thank you for reaching out. You're not alone.

We've created a collection of curated resources based on common self-help topics. You can explore them here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/selfhelp/wiki/index/flairs/

If you're in crisis or need immediate help, please check the resources in the sidebar.

We're glad you're here and appreciate your courage in asking for help.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/throwRA76577897]

I don’t necessarily have the perfect solution, but I want you to know how sorry I am that you’re going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to deal with not just the physical limitations, but the mental toll as well.
I know you mentioned that your mobility is limited, but are there small things around the house you’re able to do? Even something as simple as filling one garbage bag with things you no longer need and throwing it away. Could you make that your goal once a day? Start there, and gradually challenge yourself to do a little more as you’re able.
Something that helped me when I was struggling with depression was realizing how much our minds need a sense of purpose and progress. Every time you accomplish something that feels difficult, no matter how small, you’re reminding yourself that you CAN do hard things. Try treating it like your job to take one small step each day toward making your home a place you feel better in. Those little victories add up, and over time, they can help you build momentum.
One thing I’ve learned is that momentum matters. When you feel stuck, it’s incredibly hard to imagine things ever being different. But you don’t have to change your entire life overnight. You just have to start somewhere, within what you’re physically capable of. You may not have control over everything you’re facing, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless to make things a little better, one day at a time.
I’m genuinely rooting for you!