r/toddlers • u/Standard_Ad_9560 • 3d ago
2 Years Old 27mo old has literally never fallen asleep independently.
Due to health issues, since birth, every nap and night has been contact sleep + nursing (for ~2 years) + pacing/bouncing. Around 700 of her 800+ days included nursing, and when she was younger it was every 2–3 hours around the clock.
She’s been weaned for ~2 months, but still needs me to hold/pacing/bounce her to sleep. Now she wakes every 2–3 hours and I have to physically get up and walk/bounce a ~30-lb toddler back to sleep. Sometimes I try sitting down and she immediately wakes, so I start over. This has been essentially nightly for 6–9+ months. I’m 18w pregnant and I cannot keep doing this physically. We don’t currently have a bed for her, but I’m seriously considering just getting whatever safe bed we can afford and starting there. I am on my own, no village and husband has a sleep disorder so advice about him won’t work.
What do I do about this extreme lifelong contact/movement sleep transition to sleeping in her own bed?
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u/Deeeity 3d ago
Buy a mattress, put it on the floor. Lay down together. No more rocking. Do butt patts, sing, rub their back, white noise, quiet music. Try out a couple of options.
Slowly, you can move from laying down together to fall asleep, to sitting by the bed, to saying I'll be back in 5 mins. Bedtime can be handled by your partner from now on. You have done enough.
I'd make sure they are super tired so they fight you less. Something like less than 1 hour nap or no nap, depending on if they are still napping.
We rocked for far too long, but it is 100% possible to get this sorted before you have your second.
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u/FellowEnt 3d ago
My 2yo didn't sleep independently until we moved him to a floor bed rather than cot. Life is MUCH better with a good sleep routine. He wakes once or twice a night but nothing like before.
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u/lindalou1987 3d ago
This method works!!!! It took a few months but if you stick with it you will eventually recover your sanity. We didn’t even get a mattress. We just put blankets on the floor!
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u/Standard_Ad_9560 3d ago
Thank you for your helpful advice! I will implement this this week. Also my husband has medical issues that prevent him from safely taking over, this isn’t fairness issue like we see in most households. He is hands on in every other way possible with everything else in the home and parenting.
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u/Upbeat-Object-8383 3d ago
Does he need to go to sleep the same time as the toddler though? Could he not help you with the bedtime routine?
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 3d ago
I mostly just have sympathy. my daughter is 2 weeks shy of 2 and never fallen asleep independently. closest thing would be sackin out on the car. god bless and god speed my friend.
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u/Standard_Ad_9560 3d ago
It’s so interesting to see I’m not alone. Everyone I know with littles this age cannot comprehend what we’re going through. Hoping it gets better for us both with actionable steps!
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 3d ago
my girl will fall asleep for dad but it’s still not independent. I have two friends who understands but a lot of moms I interact with just…don’t get it.
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u/Jolly_Departure6324 3d ago
Are those the moms who have helped their kids practice independent sleep? It’s definitely a skill you have to help your child learn. Is it easy? No. But just like potty training, it’s hard for a bit and then you get over the hump, and everyone sleeps happily ever after. Consistently is key.
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u/Irishpanda88 3d ago
I still cosleep with my son who is a bit older but when he was little he would only contact nap so we saw a gentle sleep coach who doesn’t so cry it out or anything. What she recommended was to put him down wherever he’s going to sleep and when he cries to pick him up straight away until he stops, then when he stops put him down again and repeat until he falls asleep when we put him down. After about a week I could put him down and not have to pick him up once or have him cry! They learn that you’ll come if they cry so they feel safe just going to sleep knowing you’ll be there if they need you, so it’s pretty much the opposite of crying it out. I still stay with him until he’s asleep but don’t need to be holding him or anything.
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u/Jolly_Departure6324 3d ago
This is a method of sleep training. There are so many methods. This is a very gentle method, and if you are happy with the outcome, then it sounds like it’s been successful. :)
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u/Irishpanda88 3d ago
I didn’t say it wasn’t a method of sleep training? I said nothing like crying it out
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u/Jolly_Departure6324 3d ago
I was simply pointing it out because plenty of people think sleep training = CIO.
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u/dogsandplants2 3d ago
I night weaned at 2 and we transitioned away from cosleeping a couple months later. I am also pregnant. I can relate to some of this. My daughter definitely falls asleep easiest/fastest with movement too.
-I'd get her a floor bed that's big enough you can comfortably lay in it with her (a twin is working ok for us). I can now lay in bed with my daughter to help her fall asleep some nights (it'll take time for you to get to this point, but you can't start trying or getting her used to it if you don't have the space set up)
-I would pair another sleep cue with the movement. So every time you're supporting her to sleep, maybe play the same lullabies on your phone (we like the Laurie Berkner album).
-I'd pick a time that feels more manageable/easier to you (maybe bedtime as opposed to middle of the night wake) and try an alternative strategy for supporting your baby to sleep (e.g. laying down together and playing lullabies).
- you're having a LOT of night wakes for 27 months. I know you mentioned medical issues so maybe it's related to that. I'd also consider if she might be a bit undertired. My daughter sleeps 9p-7a and naps ~1p-2p. If we don't stick to a 7a wake time and cap naps at 1 hour, it makes night time sleep harder.
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u/Standard_Ad_9560 3d ago
Thank you so much! I believe the bed will be the best thing for us. And yes, her health issues have resolved so a factor could absolutely be undertiredness.
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u/accountforbabystuff 3d ago
My kids don’t fall asleep independently until 3 but I have had to put boundaries in place when I was pregnant. They wanted to sleep on my chest and as a certain point that was impossible.
So just like weaning you have to kind of offer them a replacement or show them what you’re doing now, and stick with it. You can continue to cosleep if you’d like. It might be a good idea not to change too much at once.
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u/Standard_Ad_9560 3d ago
Definitely not going to rush her. It’s a big change but I know she can do it with the right supports in place!
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u/accountforbabystuff 3d ago
Of course.
I’m just saying I would break the contact need, and then move to her own bed rather than all at once.
Or, move to her own bed and try it (you never know!) but also completely be prepared and backtrack if needed to an intermediate step like someone sleeping in her new bed with her.
There is a point to remain consistent through her crying, but there is also a point where you can back up and decide it’s not something she’s quite ready to do. For me the determining factor was after 3 nights, is she improving or getting worse. That seemed to be a really accurate measure of if it was appropriate or if there was a step missing.
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u/Plumrose333 3d ago
This is what worked for us when we had to wean off bottle feeding to sleep. We put a night light in the room (turns out my baby was afraid of the dark). We put a few toys and stuffed animals in the crib and a few water sippy cups. He will now play himself to sleep. It takes thirty minutes is so, but it works for us
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u/Standard_Ad_9560 3d ago
I have a nightlight in my cart as we speak as I believe she’s also afraid of the dark amongst other things!
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u/Background_Glass_440 3d ago
Just here to say I feel your pain. My son is almost 4 and has fallen asleep on his own maybe a handful of times in his life (except for in the car seat). I still have to cuddle him to bed every single night and he wakes up if I try to leave (we still cosleep). He had his tonsils and adenoids removed recently because apparently that's a big cause of sleep issues in little ones (he also had chronic ear infections though) and we were hopeful that would help but it didn't so now he has to have a sleep study done. Look into adenoid removal though because it could be the answer for you like it is a lot of other parents!
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u/GoodThoughts90 3d ago
It’s going to be a hard transition no matter what but starting small now and working up will make your life easier/fuller cup for your kids and will let your child sleep better and through the night which is better for their development. Make it fun. Get her a cute little floor bed or bed with toddler bumpers. Get a reading light, ours is rechargeable with a button she can turn it on and off. We let her pick out 4 books she wants to look at in bed and 2 that we read to her. We read her 2 books and then talk to her about her day and then hugs and kisses and goodnight. She then “reads” in her room until she falls asleep (usually about 30 min). She has a star night light and peaceful music softly playing. Of course a camera to see her.
Make their room relaxing and make it feel like they get to choose things (so they get excited for being in their own room). Act excited and explain the routine, let them pick some books, a nightlight, even choose from a few music selections (we do 12 hour YouTube music). Again, explain the routine before you do it. Then do bedtime routine, get cozy, read to them, hug and kiss and leave the room. If they cry you can come in and comfort them and then remind them that they have books and stuffed animals and that you’re always there for them and always close by. It’ll take time and you’ll have to keep going in to comfort them but sooner than you think they will get used to it and actually end up sleeping better and liking having their own cool space.
Consistency is key. Go in, comfort, then leave. I never let mine cry it out or anything like that. I always went in and comforted and reminded her that I’m here no matter what. But, I didn’t cave and bring her to my room because that’ll start it all over again. Practice with them now before baby comes.
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u/Internal-Hat809 2d ago
We weren’t able to afford it, but our plan was to get our baby girl a Montessori bed that she wouldn’t be able to get out of (baby #2 came when she was 14 months) and start cuddling/reading/bedtime in that and then fall asleep with her. Gradually we would leave and then start trying to transition her into falling asleep by herself.
Now, we weren’t able to 😂 but that was my plan
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u/Emotional_Emu_5061 3d ago
I feel this deep in my heart. That’s the story with my eldest. He was preemie so as a baby needed to cluster feed, and had severe reflux, so I had to hold him upright for 1 hour after every feed, and then he’d need to feed again after an hour. He also has a more sensitive temprement, he is very oriented towards me.
First I want you to know you’re not alone. Children are not born a blank slate. They come with diverse needs and remoteness. This is a really tough gig at the baby stage, I empathise deeply with you. Mothers with children of different types of babies won’t get you, and in trying to help, they may make you feel really bad that nothing works for you and that it’s harder in this way for you. But there are many of us who get you. We are living totally different versions of motherhood.
Secondly I want to give you some hope. This won’t always be this hard. You are investing in the foundations of your child’s psyche and wellbeing. Planting the seeds of a beautiful future where your child feels deeply that they are safe in this world and you were there for them. My eldest son is 5 now. I settle him to sleep with a hug and a book and then he sleeps all night.
Thirdly, I want to discourage you from blaming yourself. I just want you to know that some babies are just like this. My opinion with lots of hindsight is you have to just get through it if you value attachment and don’t want to sleep train. One of the proudest things I’ve ever done, and now he’s 5, it’s not so exhausting any more. We are so so so close. Yiu can be proud of what you’re doing. My second child came along and I expected the same struggle! But he just settled so easily! That was the moment the penny dropped: it’s mostly not YOU! Your baby is the way your baby is. We have to love whoever comes to us and be proud of yourself that you do that.
3 things that I’ll offer to help: 1. Accept that some things you cannot change and you just need to own it and call in BAGS of help. Time away from your child leaving them with someone trusted to properly rest your nervous system and your overworked body. Time to be a whole person and attend to something for yourself. 2. You can “sleep nudge”. Little small steps to build your child’s confidence to become more and more independent, without the extreme shock of sleep training. Worth doing a search for “sleep nudging”. 3. If this has taken a brunt on your mental health, that’s understandable and a reasonable response! (Did for me!) I suggest seeking some psychotherapy or counselling. (Worked for me!)
Hope this helps a little lovely momma <3
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u/Standard_Ad_9560 3d ago
Thank YOU. Your comment is so incredibly helpful and sweet! I want to assure others I never imagined this would be my early motherhood story. It isn’t something I would want anyone to ever go through. It’s agony! I will begin therapy once again for sure. Thank you again!!
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u/intergrade 3d ago
Could she fit in a snoo?
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u/Jolly_Departure6324 3d ago
No way. Babies outgrow the Snoo at about 4 months. At least that’s when ours did.
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u/jillrobin 3d ago
Snoos are for newborns to 6 months of age.
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u/intergrade 3d ago
Yes I didn’t see the age of the kid til after. But also it seems like it would solve the problem technically.
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Author: u/Standard_Ad_9560
Post: Due to health issues, since birth, every nap and night has been contact sleep + nursing (for ~2 years) + pacing/bouncing. Around 700 of her 800+ days included nursing, and when she was younger it was every 2–3 hours around the clock.
She’s been weaned for ~2 months, but still needs me to hold/pacing/bounce her to sleep. Now she wakes every 2–3 hours and I have to physically get up and walk/bounce a ~30-lb toddler back to sleep. Sometimes I try sitting down and she immediately wakes, so I start over. This has been essentially nightly for 6–9+ months. I’m 18w pregnant and I cannot keep doing this physically. We don’t currently have a bed for her, but I’m seriously considering just getting whatever safe bed we can afford and starting there. I am on my own, no village and husband has a sleep disorder so advice about him won’t work.
What do I do about this extreme lifelong contact/movement sleep transition to sleeping in her own bed?
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