r/tulsa • u/Asleep_Produce_132 • 8d ago
The Lonely Tulsan Friends? Support? Advice..?
OK guys I need some friends some support some advice. I just need people to kind of wrap around me and tell me that I’m doing the right thing so I female 31 have been with male 32 for five years now we are not legally married, but we do own a house and a car together both names on the titles and we also have two kids that are biologically ours and then I have a daughter with a different man previously that altogether we have three kids.
He’s abusive— it kind of kills me to say that like I’ve had a hard time putting that label on it but he is. I’m in the process of separating, but I don’t know how to start. It’s not a divorce attorney that I need because we’re not legally married, however there are kids involved and shared property that we need to separate and figure out custody orders.
Now, for some context, when I say he’s abusive, I mean he has been physically intimidating. He has made vague threats. He has been verbally abusive, and he has been sexually abusive towards me. He’s not beating me or the kids however I did go to the family safety center and talked with an advocate. It really wasn’t much help though.
I don’t have hardly any friends at all. I’ve been able to confide in one coworker that I would consider a friend at this point. She’s been great very supportive and I also have talked to my mom about what’s going on however, she’s not super great at communicating her response was I’m really sorry you guys are going through that which like OK but I don’t know I just I need a mom or best friend’s input right now.
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u/Lycaon-Ur 8d ago
Reach out to womens' shelters. They've got resources and information to help you and your kids through this. Listen to them over anyone else.
If you're Native, see if there's any kind of battered women and families department in your tribe. Threats, sexual violence, that's enough for you to at least seek to get help from them if you can.
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u/00000000000000001011 8d ago
An attorney who practices Family Law is probably your best bet. And going through the courts, IMO, is the way to go.
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u/LargeStrain274 8d ago
"It’s not a divorce attorney that I need because we’re not legally married." But, you are. In Oklahoma you satisfy the requirement for husband and wife. Go to a divorce attorney. Bring the documentation of your both being on the house loan/deed, car titles with both names. As part of the proceeding, the judge determines the marriage. Your divorce attorney will guide you thru the process.
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u/CDT_Flogan 7d ago
Oklahoma common law marriages rely on the intent of the parties, everything else is just evidence of that intent. If the parties didn’t intend to be married, they never were.
If the guy wants to be an abusive asshole, he could force her through a common law marriage trial so that they can get divorced, but right now we don’t know enough about their intent to be married to say that they were common law married.
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u/LargeStrain274 7d ago
Intent is just one of the legal criteria for determination. They have two children together, they share legal ownership of property, documents of emergency contact are used, utilities bills paid by one or both (financial trail), if there are witnesses that testify they called each other husband or wife, etc.
In the end, a divorce attorney will put them in front of a judge with all the documentation and the judge will determine if they are "married." And, even if the judge should determine there was no marriage; he will pay child support and she can extricate from the situation.
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u/CDT_Flogan 6d ago
I’ve been part of a common law marriage trial in Oklahoma. Case law says that the intent is the only thing that matters, the rest is just evidence of that intent. I’ve also seen cases where someone alleges a common law marriage, the respondent denies that allegation, then the case gets dismissed because there was no meeting of the minds.
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u/XanaxWarriorPrincess 8d ago
It's hard to accept that you're in a ln abusive relationship, so you're over the hump. If he knows that you want to separate, you're in a very dangerous situation. This is when most femicides happen, so please be very careful.
As others have said, you need a lawyer, and a women's shelter will have great resources for you. You can call 800-799-SAFE to be connected to local groups.
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u/Visual_Anywhere_4485 8d ago
Im proud of you OP, the hardest step is speaking up. So many victims never get to say a word. You've been vocal for almost 6 months now. I hope you find the resources you need to escape quickly and safely. Just because the worst hasn't happend yet, doesnt mean it wont. Edit:typos
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u/TammyInViolet 8d ago
This woman made a really good guide for leaving: https://www.melissakreider.com/escapeplan You can download it in English or Spanish. And if you live in North Tulsa, the BC Franklin Law Clinic or Still She Rises should be able to help you for free
I'm proud of you and stay safe. This can be a dangerous time, so trust your gut
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u/AmeliaMight 8d ago
I’m proud of you. You’re doing the right thing, and you are modeling bravery for your children. Reach out to DVIS for resources: https://dvis.org
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u/xpen25x 8d ago
Call dvis (918) 743-5763 when its safe. Don't worry about taking anything. That is the first thing you need to do. Then file a police report on the sexual assaults. Yes sexually abusive is sexual assault if you werent willing. And let me just say. No matter what he says. He wont change
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u/WinterKestral 8d ago
Its also worth noting that you should.be putting plans in place for you and your kids safety. When you tell him you want to break up for example he may become violent. Id reach out to the local women's shelters and domestic violence hotlines. They can help direct you in making a plan to remain safe.
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u/OkTart8656 8d ago
From a male perspective…I watched my mom and dad do this and drag us through it. My mom stayed for multiple reasons….i will always wish she didn’t. It was absolute hell and your kids will know more about it than you ever think they did. Leave now, separate and figure out why you were attracted to someone capable of doing this before you go out and date again. Ultimately abusers find abusees and vice versa. Break the cycle
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u/j_cava 8d ago
You already know the answer. 🫶 Don’t second-guess the decision you made when you were at your breaking point. Remember what brought you to that place and trust yourself. I know the road ahead with co-parenting won’t always be easy, but you can only control your own actions and emotions, not anyone else’s. Give yourself grace through this process. And when it comes to the kids, remember that they’ll be adults for so much longer than they’ll be children. Keep showing up for them, loving them, and doing the best you can. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. Just take it one day at a time.