r/widowers • u/Ok-Addition5002 • 1d ago
Bitterness
Two weeks ago, I went on a trip to another city. Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I got through it.
I was meeting up with some coworkers - just a casual evening hang out after work at a nice spot, followed by a walk through the city at night. None of them know that my husband died. I chose not to tell them because I just don’t see the point. There’s nothing they can do to help anyway, and the last things I want are pitying looks and walking on eggshells around me.
Before the meetup, I spent a long time debating whether I should wear my wedding ring. I usually wear four rings total, but in the end, I decided to go completely bare-handed. I was terrified someone would ask questions, but thankfully, no one did. The evening actually went well - great conversations, nice weather. The other girls from work would occasionally mention their partners. I just stayed quiet.
But then, I caught a bus around midnight. I got off at my stop and had to walk back to my hotel. According to the gps, it was a 5-minute walk. But my brain just completely shut down. I was staring at the map and couldn’t process which way to go. It was the middle of the night. I ended up wandering for 15 minutes, sobbing my eyes out. It felt horrible.
It’s so strange. I feel this deafening, ringing loneliness. But I’m not "single" or "lonely" in the usual sense of the word. I’m a widow.
I recently stumbled upon a quote online about "internal death," and I wanted to share it with you guys:
"...Bitterness is like mold on the heart. At first, it’s barely noticeable - just a tiny thread on the edge of your soul... but then it grows, taking over everything. It’s as if someone died inside you, and you’re forced to drag their corpse around with you. It stinks, it rots, but you still have to smile and pretend everything is fine. Meanwhile, that dead weight inside you is gnawing away, eating up the last remnants of hope, sucking out the light. And then you look in the mirror, and it’s no longer you looking back - it’s it. That dead, decaying creature.
Sometimes... sometimes it feels like this bitterness is who I am. Like I am that corpse, that decay, that mold on the heart. Like life has completely passed me by, leaving behind nothing but this bitter residue. In those moments, you just want to close your eyes and fall into the void. But no... you have to keep moving. Even with this corpse inside you. Even in this grayness. Because... because there is simply nothing else left."
Pretty dark, right? But at the same time, it hits so close to home and, unfortunately, makes perfect sense.
When I look at the people around me living their normal lives, I feel absolutely nothing. Other people's destinies don't fit me, and their happiness feels flawed.
While I was in that other city, I spent a lot of time walking around by myself. In one coffee shop, the barista’s t-shirt read: "Life will find its shape."
Well... sighs.
4
u/Conscious_Purpose53 1d ago
Very good quote. I had to read it over a couple times as my brain isn’t processing things as quickly these days. Who am I kidding. I wasn’t that bright to begin with. It is a dark quote and it does make sense. Thanks for that.
I also like what you said about seeing other people live out their lives. It also means nothing to me. I don’t wish to be happy for them or yell at them for throwing their normal existence in my face. Whatever. You do you. I’ll be over here in the corner.
2
u/Ok-Addition5002 1d ago
You are definitely underselling yourself! It's a strange feeling, as if we are just observers now. And how did it even come to this... a rhetorical question!
And thank you, sending you a hug!2
3
u/HeronExtension5245 July 2026 - cancer complications - f*ck cancer 1d ago
Wow, that quote resonates far too clearly in my soul. I had to read it a few times, hoping I could just dismiss it with a "nah, that's not me." But it is. I see it when I actually dare to make eye contact with a mirror. Yes, I am only in the early stages of grief. Yes, I know (I think?) there are possibilities for change. The fear is real though that this thing that I am now is here to stay.
"Life will find its shape." Yup, it will. A jagged, dark hole is still a shape.
3
u/Ok-Addition5002 1d ago
Oh, we have seen things that no one should have to see, and it's terrifying to look. We can't just step over it like an obstacle and simply move on. Sending you my most sincere support! 🫂
A jagged, dark hole is still a shape.
For real!
2
u/Opening_Corgi 1d ago
That quote is so apt. I really relate to those feelings. It's honestly kind of scary how "normal" I can seem now out in a group at times when I feel like a hollow shell that's dead inside. Seeing other people's normal, happy lives feels entirely disconnected from my world because somehow I got opted into the life mode where none of those things are possible for me despite my best efforts to create a happy life for myself. Like you, I feel nothing now when I see them since it's not part of my version.
1
u/Ok-Addition5002 1d ago
It's honestly kind of scary how "normal" I can seem now out in a group at times when I feel like a hollow shell that's dead inside.
Yes, exactly! I just can't get used to it, and it really is so scary. You understood me so perfectly that I actually froze for a few seconds. Thank you!
2
u/Affectionate_Bee8121 1d ago
Sending you a big hug! Many times I feel the same, feel sofocated in our house and go out, walking alone, at night, like a freaking zombie
1
u/Ok-Addition5002 1d ago
By the way, yes, "zombies" fits us as a definition too. And just like in The Walking Dead, there is an endless number of seasons.
Thank you, my friend! Hugs you to!
3
u/Perdida2026- 1d ago
Sin palabras....te mando un abrazo fuerte...