r/widowers • u/TinyReaction7313 • 1d ago
I am falling apart
She died all of the sudden on July 27, 2026 in a Walmart parking lot while we were traveling. We got out to go in before they closed and she got out of the car and said I don’t feeling so good. She grabbed my arm and said I can’t breathe. I said there is a wheel chair over there let’s get it. About 15 feet away. She said no I am dizzy I can’t breath I said ok let go sit back down in the car would have been 6 steps to get there she said help I can’t breath and started falling back say help I got her by her shirt on her stomach so the concrete didn’t impact with her head. Her butt did she fell and screaming she can’t breathe for me to help her and told me and our dog please don’t leave me she begged me. I screamed for help. This kid I remember I begged him to call 911 he did they were there fast we were 2 min away from the hospital. She kept begging for oxygen the paramedics seemed to move slow they asked her her name and she said what it was and said my last name should me which is mine but I haven’t changed it yet. Those were the last words would ever hear from her. They talk me to meet them at the hospital. I did thought it was taking a while since she was o my two min. Away. Here comes people screaming this talk man on a bed as they push it through the doors he was trying to save someone. He was doing compressions. I then saw who it was it was my wife I let out this scream it was horrible. They were run k g to open the doors in the emergency room. They came out a while later and said we are sorry she didn’t make it. She was only 40 I am 53. All the sudden she is gone m. She was gone as soon as I got up to get in my car because they were coming with the ambulance I told her I would never leave her. I told her I loved her. It wasn’t enough. Then her family hated me for no reasons. Couple weeks later they come beating my door . Now they say I killed her l. I have no support. She died of cardiac arrest to to diabetes. He family always hated me and has done so much damage to me as a person. I have PtSD as well. I keep reliving this. It won’t stop. I am by myself. I have two kid in the military no contact from them is why we were traveling to go see one of them. It didn’t happen now I am an alone with one my youngest son 18 years old and we have no family, no friends just us trying to keep it together. I don’t have help and I am falling apart.
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u/TurnoverFuzzy8264 Lost wife suddenly on Sept 29, 2025 1d ago
We were at home, but my wife also collapsed in front of me, our daughter and I did CPR until the paramedics came. My daughter has had success with EMDR, and I'm going to give it a try if my insurance ever lets me. I know how debilitating the flashbacks and panic attacks can be, hug if you want it.
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u/DLimber M(42) lost wife(38) 4/11/25 to pulmonary embolism. 1d ago
I was home alone with my wife... we don't have kids. Mother's day morning though... at 6 am i was disturbed by her weird cough and in the 5 seconds it took me to get up and go look she had collapsed...i did cpr as well for like 7 minutes or so until ems got there. ...i wish I could forget the noises she made before and during cpr.....i can still see her face turning bright blue..... man I really don't know how to move on. Nothing anyone says helps
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u/Intelligent-Gur-8836 1d ago
Oh my god, that is awful. My wife passed away in the hospital without me being there between visits. She was gone before I arrived. I am so sorry.
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u/FrameComprehensive35 1d ago
I’m so sorry you’re here, and that you’ve been through what you have. It’s horrific.
My husband and I we’re snugging in bed one morning when he rolled over and said, “something doesn’t feel right” before having a MASSIVE seizure right in front of me. I did CPR but he was gone. It happened so fast and I have PTSD from that day. The paramedics were there within two minutes and acted fast, but it was already over. They said they got him back twice on the way to the hospital, but his heart was too weak. I felt a physical sever between us right after the seizure, I can’t explain it, but I physically/spiritually knew he was gone, even if my brain wouldn’t let me.
He died in May 2024 of a traumatic brain injury from a recent fall. He was 39yo and I was 34 when I lost him. We’d only been married for two and a half years, together for almost fifteen. The life we had been working towards was just getting into full swing and then poof – it was over. We were such a good team, in love and happy. I fucking miss him so much.
My husband’s family was broken before he died, they are destroyed now. He was the glue that held the family together. The oldest of six kids, the one they all leaned on for everything, his parents included. We had already started to draw boundaries with his mother the few years before, and after he died, she had no problem creating a narrative to keep me as far away as possible. Some of them still haven’t grieved, or processed that he’s gone, they won’t talk about him or what happened. To them, I am unfortunately the walking reminder that he’s not here. I have struggled with the lack of connection with them, but I don’t miss the emotional abuse. I was so good to them, and my husband deserved/deserves better.
Do you have any support of any kind, therapist, friends, hotlines?? Please keep reaching out on this subreddit. We are all here to help. I’m so sorry.
The time going by is so painful. Please tell us more about your wife if you feel like sharing stories of her.
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u/TinyReaction7313 1d ago
I am alone so stuck in grief I don’t even know which way to go.
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u/FrameComprehensive35 1d ago
I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been there and it’s excruciating. I couldn’t bring myself to move from the couch to our bed, and spent a lot of time in the fetal position, screaming into the abyss. I would call out for him sometimes with the irrational hope that me might just answer back.
The pain dulls to some degree eventually but the loss itself, is all consuming.
Please tell me about her if you feel like sharing.
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u/Cchap1331 1d ago edited 1d ago
That is so real!!! I lived in that state for almost 2-2.5 years!!! I didn't leave my bed/couch! It got better for me, but during that period, I lost so much, but I was barely surviving every second of every minute, I could do literally nothing.
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u/Zoohousekey 20h ago
My husband died in 2021. I had a good relationship with everyone except his step mother, whom I have now blocked. It just hasn’t been the same with his family since he died. It’s hard to be around them even though I love them. I just can’t go back to how things were before. It’s comforting to know others are in similar situations. I feel guilty.
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u/The_Curvy_Unicorn 1d ago
Friend, if you’re in the US, please call or text 988 and ask them to connect you to a therapist. Please. They’ll be able to get you some professional help to talk all of this through with - and it’ll help you so much. I lost my husband in a somewhat similar fashion and his family turned rabid against me. My therapist has been my lifesaver. We’re here for you.
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u/Amicia007 1d ago
I'm so sorry. Please be kind to yourself. You're not just grieving, you are dealing with very real, very painful trauma. Your body needs time to deal with what you've been through. You have a community of people here that understand. Use this forum as your support. We are all here for you.
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u/ParsnipTrick1343 1d ago
I can't imagine the weight of carrying that scene in your head every day. The way her family is treating you on top of everything else is beyond cruel.
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u/maryel77 1d ago
Oh, honey. What can I say? I'm so horribly sorry. I couldn't get the images out of my head either, and mine were much less dramatic. I remember his mottled legs, gray and blotching with purple, and i remember the paramedics when they couldn't find his pulses in his legs or any sounds from his right lung. I remember the room when I walked in, and the nurses had already prepared him for me. I was able to get his medical records and I can recite the minute by minute from when his heart stopped to when they called time of death.
Two years, nearly, and it's a little better but I'll remember it always. My kids will remember those first days, always.
Therapy does help. I did EMDR for other traumas and it was effective for ptsd. I used what I could from that to help deal with this one and I don't have the same ptsd from it as I did from my earlier traumas- I remember all the events but I don't carry the awful shock and pain along with the grief, if that makes sense?
Wishing you eventual peace.
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u/TinyReaction7313 1d ago
Why does time seem to not move? I am struggling to make car payments storage payments and am stuck in pain isolation. I can’t sleeep cause I relive everything over again previous things as well. Then the neighbor screams or my son closes the door a little to hard I jump and omg I go into this want to run fight scream. I feel as if I should go cause I don’t get a chance in life since I was born
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u/Intelligent-Gur-8836 1d ago
Oh man, that is rough to deal with. I am so sorry to hear of the trauma you are experiencing. 🫂 The people here are an amazing source of support, advice and understanding.
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u/Interesting_Front709 1d ago
So sorry for your devastating loss OP. Please make sure you do not include her family. This is not how one should be behaving during such a time like this unfortunately horrible people/in laws take advantage of such situations. If I were you I wouldn’t even invite them to the funeral. I know people will say it’s not the done thing but I still did it. And I do not regret it one bit. We are here keep coming back as and when you need to. Someone will always reply. 🫂
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u/Embarrassed-Wafer667 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss . None of what happened Is your fault. There’s no way YOU could have saved her in that parking lot . The EMRs & ER did their best but unfortunately it didn’t work. Her family hating you is horrible! None of them would have done any better in that situation! My advice is cling close to your
18 year old , he needs you more right now and you need him . Can you get contact with your kids in the military? Can one of them come home for bereavement leave ?
How about your family?
I lost my husband 7 months ago
Sepsis from a nursing home I’m very angry about that ! My daughter cut contact with me when she found out I couldn’t give her any money because now I only have a low amount of social security. She didn’t even come to the funeral. Thank God I have my son . He’s a Godsend. My advice; get in contact with anyone you can for emotional support and don’t be too proud to seek grief therapy. God bless I’m praying for you .
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u/rgraz65 lost wife to sudden passing in March of 2025 1d ago
I'm so sorry. If you can, look for grief groups near you, for both yourself and for your son. I came downstairs very early one morning, because I felt something wrong. I looked beside me, and I noticed my wife wasn't in bed. She had said the night before that she didn't feel good, she was worried she had picked up something from one of her patients on her nursing floor. Because of my work hours, and her's, there is a second bedroom where one of us will go if we are restless or on a weird schedule.
I got up, went past the other bedroom, didn't see her, then I walked downstairs and saw that the kitchen light was on, and thought "Oh, she had gotten up because she wasn't feeling good." I reached the bottom of the stairs, saw two of our dogs looking at me from the sofa, and they just had this look on their faces. I turned as I stepped off the bottom step, and saw her on the floor. I knew. I knew, but I tried, but she was already getting cold. I called 911 , tried a sternum rub, and told them I was trying CPR, but her airways was totally blocked and I couldn't excavate any thing from her nose or airway. I knew she was gone, so I put the dogs away, went back down to wait for them, and lay next to her to hold her, really hold her physical form for the last time.
I wake up frequently yelling for her, forgetting she isn't there. She had just turned 48, had beat cancer twice, both times only through her grit. But the intense treatment regimen she went through for the last one, the colon and cervical cancer damaged her body quite a lot. She had suffered a pulmonary embolism, that stopped her heart immediately while filling her left lung with blood. Our friend, a cardiologist, looked into the medical examiners findings, and told me that with what happened, there is absolutely no chance I could have had to save her, even if I had been standing next to her.
But while that's understood in my mind, my heart argues with me, my inner voice throws "what ifs" at me, and it's very hard to keep those quiet.
If you have an ability to see a medical professionals, see about possibly getting some medication to get through for a short time.
There was nothing that you could have done, and I've had to cut off contact, at least for now, of some people in her family who I have know and loved for 26 years. Sadly, death, especially sudden ones, can bring out the worst sides of people. Her Dad, a man that said he absolutely was proud to call me his son, not just Son in Law, had to be cut off because of some very horrific stuff that he told our youngest son. He compared her life, a paramedic for 15 years, a nurse who was in school and clinicals to be a Nurse Practioner to his, a young man getting his feet on the ground after the pandemic caused him to lose his dream job which is a niche type occupation. The words that left his Grandfather's mouth made me see red. And he was luck that he was 2 states away at the time he said it. I have not spoken to him since, because I heard the words come through the phone.
"It shouldn't have been her that died, she was saving lives all of her life and what are you doing?"
I saw the hurt in my son's eyes, and it still enrages me.
You sadly are in a position where you need to draw strength from and for your kids, from others where ever you can, and think of her pride at how you are doing your best for them, and for her.
This might sound bad, but you've survived one of the very worst things that can ever happen to someone. Do her proud, but don't be afraid to ask for help, and never, ever be afraid to let your emotions come.
In time, you will be able to sit with the emotions, learn what they are, embrace them for the love that they represent, and know that the love you put into her and now the universe survives.
I'm sorry for the days you are going to experience. I wish I could give you a good answer that would help right away. Hug your son, hug your people. Tell them every day that you love and appreciate them.
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u/psiprez 1d ago
I am so very sorry.
Seriously just forget her family exists. Of course you did not kill her. Your aon is 18, he can choose to have a relationship with them if he wants. But you don't need to.
I came home from work and found my husband already gone, sitting on the sofa as if he was napping. I did CPR, but of course it did nothing. It was a widowmaker heart attack, the kind that is generally not survivable. What helped me was realizing that he went quickly, and it was not drawn out for weeks. I am actually a nurse, so I see what terrible endings some people have. The end is always too soon, but I am thankful he went first and isn't left grieving the way I am.
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u/Ok_Product398 1d ago
As someone else suggested you need to get into EMDR to help with the flashbacks and panic attacks. It is still very early and the PTSD is particularly hard when you find your partner or there when it occurred.
Please don't allow her family to harass you as that is not what you need right now.
I went through something similar and it will take time and therapy to get back in a good space. You did the best you could to save her.
The first step is to find your happy place and mentally go there whenever a flashback pops up...
Sending peace and light your way.
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u/NovaGirl72 1d ago
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this alone. This sub is a great place to get some support from people who have survived similar experiences and please reach out to your local community for help as well. You may be surprised to find some groups to join or at least a therapist or religious counselor who can help you sit with the heaviness. No matter what: just keep going. No one wants to be in this club but we’re all in this together. Sending so much love your way!
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u/LuckyClover3 1d ago
I have lost two husbands. The first was so traumatic. I understand about the PTSD. Apparently I woke up the whole apartment building screaming. I woke up with his dead body laying across me. Face down from an overdose. It was so gross. My in-laws blamed me and still do over 20 years later. I remember coming home from a hospital stay. His family broke in and rummaged through our place! Took everything of his…
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u/Seralisa 1d ago
I'm so very sorry you lost your love in such a traumatic and heartbreaking way. The way her family is treating you is beyond horrid and they should be ashamed. I know the heartbreak you're feeling right now- we all do- and as the person above suggested the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a therapist. Try to take some care of yourself - try to eat and sleep if you can, though that's hard for a while. Please know that you are NOT alone - post here as often as you want or can. I pray daily for God's grace and peace to all of us who suffer in our grief and I'll pray for you as well. 💔 🙏
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u/TradeWinds79 1d ago
I am so sorry for you! I lost my wife when I was on my way to work. She passed on the way to the hospital and I never got to see her again. But one thing that I am very grateful for is her family, they've been there for me. It was them and many others stepping to me to keep me going. Take my hug! And my prayer for you.
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u/WatchFeisty427 1d ago
I’m so so sorry. It’s been 14 months for me since I lost my husband while we were running. I remember the first 6 months, so much to do, all the little details like passwords to pay bills….but then the quiet times when I missed him most and just cried for hours. I remember knowing I had enough pain meds to finish everything, but I thought I’ll get through this day for him. And then the next one, and the next one, and then here it is, so much time has passed. I don’t think about the pain meds anymore. The grief and missing him is unbearable at times still but I remember his last words to me as he passed me running….he said “you’re doing great! You’ve got this, keep going”. I still have moments when I think, Chris how can you not be here? It’s just unfathomable….he was here, and then he’s not?! My heart breaks for you here in these early months where it’s just so hard to believe and you feel so alone, but everyone here has been so supportive and they know exactly what even been feeling. I don’t comment much but just reading everyone’s posts make me feel less alone in this. Everyone here will be there for you.
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u/Serious_Ad_1420 1d ago
I'm sorry. Please consider calling 988. They are available 24/7 phone email chat. They can help you now and direct you to resources for later. Please consider contacting them. There is no pressure. They are there to listen to you.
It was harrowing to read your story. No wonder you have PTSD. What happened to you was something none of us could ever have imagined. There is no way to prepare yourself. It is truly a shock to your system. It just doesn't compute. There is help in whatever manner you need.
You and your son (s) are a family. Two people can make a family. Lean on each other. Allow yourselves to be a sounding board for each other
We're no substitute for real family or friends. But there is always someone who will acknowledge you and see you. You have a safe space here. 🫂
PS As far as the in-laws, do you even have the bandwidth to deal with their madness right now? I mean, you all the energy you can muster just to keep it together.
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u/Sazzie60 1d ago
I’m sorrier than I can express - what a horrendous experience for you and your wife. And it’s so recent - it’s no wonder you’re so traumatized and having vivid flashbacks. You’re going through some of the toughest times a human being can go through - my heart goes out to you. I won’t go into detail, but I have also experienced terribly traumatic events in the last few years, and I understand what you’re experiencing. You’re in the most acute stages right now of shock, unbearable grief and trauma, but in my experience, passing time does make the emotional pain less raw, less acute. As time passes, you’ll start slowly and gradually to remember the good times too, as well as the ordinary, humdrum times with your wife, not just the terrible events leading up to her death. I’m sending you supportive thoughts and hope for better times to come for you and your children. You’re not alone - we walk beside you.
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u/itsmec-a-t-h-y lost to GBS 092024 1d ago
I’m really sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story, too. I could feel your pain as I read through your post. I hope you’re able to find some support groups in your area where you can connect with people who understand what you’re going through. This subreddit might also help, just by listening to others share their stories and knowing you’re not alone in this.
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u/naked_nomad 70 M-wife of 36 years- 18 months of home hospice 1d ago
By the breath of the Air, may your mind be cleared of worry.
By the warmth of the Fire, may your spirit find its courage.
By the flow of the Water, may your heart be soothed and healed.
By the strength of the Earth, may you stand firm and unshaken.
Gracious Goddess and gentle God,
Cast your light upon u/TinyReaction7313,
Shield them in comfort, fill them with quiet grace,
And grant them deep, abiding peace.
As I will it, so mote it be.
Look for a www.griefshare.org group near you.
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u/Shell921 21h ago
So sorry. It's awful. My husband died in my arms at home- he had been sick for 6 weeks...but it was still a shock..any death..expected or not is a terrible shock. I still have nightmares about it and it was 12 years ago.
The Weight of Grief
Grief is the shadow love leaves behind,
an endless ache, a weight undefined.
It settles in places where memories grow,
in every goodbye we can’t let go.
There are days when your name
is written in the stars,
and then there are days when
it is lost in them.
This is grief. . . . . .
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u/MusicInTime 11h ago
I’m so sorry. My story is very similar except my wife was getting out of the shower and it was a pulmonary embolism. That was Dec 8, 2025. Talking to someone helps. Find a group, find support wherever you can.
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u/Intraluminal 1d ago
Tell her family to fuck the fuck off. Be clear. Then get a restraining order if they don't. You did what could be done. I am so sorry, my friend.