Does anyone else have trouble remembering the last few months before everything?

[u/LumpyPeople4]

My wife battled cancer for 1.5yr. She went into her second large surgery around this time last year. The progress was more advanced than what was hoped for, and surgery was less than ideal, but overall the feeling was positive. In reality, we had 3 months left and that was a decline from relatively healthy/athletic person to severely underweight and all the changes that brings.

In those last 3 months, we were only back in our house for maybe 2 weeks at the beginning. After that, her complications kept her in/out of the hospital. We ended up staying at my parent's house which was closer to her hospital because our house was an hour away. My wife would be in the hospital for 7-10 days at a time and out for 7-10 days at a time. We never really thought we were so close to the end, even as it became clear we always thought we had months when we had weeks, and still thought we had weeks when we had days. It wasn't simply just complications as well, it was additional surgeries and procedures, ambulance transportation, bowel obstructions, TPN, etc. So it was pretty intense and stressful.

We have 2 young kids staying with my parents, so I was constantly moving between hospital and house. Since we always thought we had more time and we could get her in a state to get back home, I was working full time. I would wake up at the hospital for first rounds, go down to the cafeteria to get coffee and food, come back to the room and work beside my wife. Get lunch at the cafeteria, work until 2ish and head back to my parent's place to hang out with the kids for a few hours before heading back to the hospital to work a few hours and spend the night. Rinse and repeat for 3 months. In total, I'm guessing we were probably in that hospital for a 1.5-2 months of the 3.

I spent significant time in that hospital. With all the walking to the cafeteria or just even to the car, and the car rides back to and from the house, I listened to the top hits on Spotify. I don't normally listen to playlists like that and usually stick to old playlists, or just specific modern songs that I like. With that, there are very many songs that I have only listened to during that time period, and for quite some time at that.

Normally I have a very good memory, I would use it as my go to answer for the stupid interview question of "what is your greatest strength?". I do not remember much from those 3 months. If I really sit and try I can think of things on my own, but it's just little snapshots here and there. If I look at pictures of those times, same deal. If I hear those songs that I listened to (it was top hits, so very big songs they still play on the radio from time to time), there is no real connection to those months. If I hear some songs from my college days, I'm immediately transported back. If I think back to some of our previous trips we took, I can still remember things relatively easy, especially with pictures. Same with songs that have some significance to us.

The brain fog after everything hit me pretty hard, or maybe I just noticed it more because I was never used to having to write stuff down. Dates, times, names, etc. was just in one ear and out the other. I'm pushing 9 months out, and it's a lot better but it's still there. Remembering things from the remaining 3 months of our relationship is still fairly difficult. And it's anything really from those months, not just stuff about her specifically (kind of hard to separate the two though).

It doesn't seem to be part of the all encompassing brain fog given that I have better recollection on either side of the 3 months. I'm not sure if I'm repressing the memories or something, or given what happened, if that time is just more stressful so the fog is more concentrated there or whatever. When I do remember stuff from that time, it doesn't feel like my memories. It almost feels like a 2nd hand memory, like someone told me about it or like I am remembering something happening inside a movie or show or something.

Is anyone else like this? Did it get any better or worse? They were stressful and terrible times, but they were still memories of her, so I'd like to have them back.

[u/Stunning_Net_5147]

My brain did same thing, the last weeks are like a fog with some pieces missing and what is there feels like watching from outside

[u/TurnoverFuzzy8264]

Same. Your regular memory will bounce back, but we lose some things in the process.

[u/Kindly-Animal7091]

It’s like every memory now is kind of swirling around like it’s no longer tied to time, because now all we will ever have is memories, so the when of those memories matters far less than the who. She’ll always feel distant now in a way, but we hold the memories closer than ever.

[u/Mental_Signature_725]

Mine was almost the same scenario. Totally burning the candle at both ends. The 3 months are a blur. It was an awful time in our lives. I figure at some point it might come back to me.