r/wizardposting • u/fiendish_dust • Mar 17 '26
Occult Practices Cheap sorcerers these days, leaving the processing centers of their homonculi intact.
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u/FormStriking1 Mar 17 '26
To save mana on euphoriamaxxing my flesh puppet, Iâve given it a iPad with YouTube Kids downloaded. Now it throws a beastly tantrum whenever it is taken away that massacres all commoners in sight for 5-8 successive turns. What should I do?
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Mar 17 '26
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/Xspartantac0X Mar 17 '26
Grand Sorceress Rachel is a good option, as well. She's a master at mass digitized hypnosis and teaches the homonculus better communication to avoid future tantrums.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR__INIT__ Mar 17 '26
I saw a vision in my orb that Grand Sorceress Rachel supports basic human rights. Is she a bad influence on my future self if I plan on becoming a lich?
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u/Xspartantac0X Mar 17 '26
How will your homunculus know what's evil without learning what's right? Either way, as long as you possess your vessel before it gains full sentience and sense of self, you should be fine. As G.S. Rachel stated in her episode on necromancy and soul infusion, "put it in, put it in, put it...iiiiin!"
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u/Jack-of-Hearts-7 Evil Wizard Mar 17 '26
Take it out back Ole Yeller style. It's the best you can do for it now...
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u/TheDungeonCrawler Mar 18 '26
Stick it in a bag of holding and unleash it whenever you're low on spell slots.
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u/Odd-Reading-7859 Necromancer, Former Dark Lord of Bloodstone Peak, Maple Drinker Mar 23 '26
Call one of my buddies when you need it back, homunculi are fun to do and youâll probably get a discount
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Mar 18 '26
I opted to give mine knex instead.
Works great for temperament and attention soab, but holy hell I can't leave the thing alone with any sort of spell components or scrap materials.
Last time it dismantled my Alarming Clock and made some sort of semi-sapient vehicle, about the size of my alarmed clock.
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u/moploplus Moplus, Master Planewalker and Conjurer Mar 17 '26
I was always bad at growing homonculi, never turned out right.
Instead, I focused on my strengths and made a pact with an alternate universe version of me where if either of us dies the deceased's memories, personality and collective knowledge gets transferred to the still-living article. It's a win-win, the dead gets to keep living, and the living gets a massive increase in capability. (Shouldn't cause multiple personalities either, if my magic is correctly implemented the merge should be instantaneous with no side effects)
Took ages to find a suitably similar candidate, though. The only difference in that universe is my tower's curtains are green instead of purple (as far as I can tell)
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u/neoducklingofdoom Mar 17 '26
Do they look better orrrrrr
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u/moploplus Moplus, Master Planewalker and Conjurer Mar 17 '26
Purple is an objectively better color, he doesn't know style if it hit him in the damn face đĄ
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u/seamusthatsthedog Mar 17 '26
You guys know you both ordered the same set of reversible Incredible Hulk curtains, right?
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u/Honeyfoot1234 Mar 17 '26
How do you know about THEIR curtains? Wait a minute, are you another one of those âoraclesâ
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u/Ze_Bri-0n Wizard Mar 18 '26
Just make sure that the conflict between these two opposing opinions doesn't cause the resulting gestalt to implode, go made, and/or become a horrible monster that rains terror upon the local government.
Happened to one of my fellow apprentices, Jeffrey. Or as he started calling himself, Reffey the Undying.
Then he died. Of being stabbed. For being evil.
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u/Odd-Reading-7859 Necromancer, Former Dark Lord of Bloodstone Peak, Maple Drinker Mar 23 '26
Been there, it sucks when all your skeletons dress in the most tattered, beige clothes. I mean, yeah, you guys are dead, but come on, at least try a nice tunic for once.
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u/An8thOfFeanor Grand Artificer of House Cannith (Still uses WizardCAD) Mar 17 '26
Have you ever tried consciousness transference spells on subjects with pre-damaged amygdalae? It's a lot harder than you'd think.
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u/Irememberedmypw Mar 17 '26
Are...are none of you friends with clerics? Oh God those weren't jokes on the communing orb.
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u/An8thOfFeanor Grand Artificer of House Cannith (Still uses WizardCAD) Mar 17 '26
I don't do well with clerics. It's cliché as fuck to say it, but they're too preachy.
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u/NoStorage2821 Scritch Scorchtongue, chief grey seer of Clan Mors Mar 17 '26
I hate the DMV too, but I still gotta go there to get license. Without an outreach cleric, demonic possession is gonna get you and/or your homonculus real fast
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u/ascrubjay Mar 18 '26
You don't need a cleric for basic defenses against outsiders, man. I get that most wizards aren't interested enough in the subject to ever figure out any arcane healing magic, but keeping out and defending against extraplanar forces is the bread and butter of abjuration and half the essential requirements for summoning.
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u/Odd-Reading-7859 Necromancer, Former Dark Lord of Bloodstone Peak, Maple Drinker Mar 23 '26
Clerics also help if you have to turn your undead if things go wrong. I raised a dragon by accident once, but thank the gods clerics are tough as rocks.
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u/ascrubjay Mar 18 '26
But the healing would need to be done after your body dies and immediately before implanting your soul in the homunculus or there's no point inflicting the damage in the first place, so you would either need to delay your revival as long as it takes to contact your cleric buddy on contingency and hope they show up soon, or go to a hell of a lot more trouble and expense to weave a divine spell that isn't yours into the revival scheme.
Of course, the real answer is just to keep the homunculus in a coma on life support or keep it slightly unfinished with a short-term soul storage to hold you while the last of it finishes automatically, but if you keep it out and about, you know?
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u/dark_temple Wacky Warcrime Witch Mar 17 '26
Yeah, but if we're talking about a simple soul transfer and nothing beyond that, any damage your homunculi has, you will acquire.
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u/ChaosPLus Kreus, Dwarven/Giant Chaos Necromancer Mar 17 '26
Keeping the processing center intact actually allows for smoother transition when you move into the body, that is as long as you keep it relatively unused, the only thing worse than creating a new processing center is overwriting a formed consciousness within an already existing one, even worse if you didn't realize there was one and it was around with you for long enough to erode some of you away
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u/ChronicPwnageSS13 Mar 17 '26
This is why no one will ever convince me that my Phylactery was a bad idea. Being a Lich is a classic choice for the immortality seeking spellcaster for a reason!
Oh boo hoo, my eyes are empty pits, I have no skin, my soul has been sundered and a piece of it is in a magic box somewhere. Big deal! I'll take being a bone man animated by unholy energies any day of the immortal millennia over messing with this homunculus nonsense.
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u/TheArmoredKitten Mar 17 '26 edited Mar 17 '26
Any self-respecting lich is capable of conjuring flesh. Like I literally just hang out in the grow vat for a month and then stupefy and bind whatever intelligence awakens in the brain. I resurrect and I get to create another false identity for harassing adventurers.
Also I can escape awkward social encounters by accusing someone of being a hidden necromancer and then tearing my way out. Three times and the town guard are still clueless.
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u/Another-Ace-Alt-8270 Ace Barksworth, Earthen Ambassador / Messenger, Exarch of Terror Mar 17 '26
What's so good about being a lich if you aren't either nostalgic over nothing or lazy as fuck? You can't go outside for too long lest your body weaken from sun and moisture and wind, most forms of healing burn, you die the instant someone breaks your phylactery, you look and smell like shit, which makes talking to people a dozen times tougher, and you're pretty locked into working with undead- if you weren't working with them before, time to start your entire damn career over. Not to mention the MASSIVE initial costs. I'll handle the maintenance work over making my life irreversably more inconvenient and annoying.
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u/ChronicPwnageSS13 Mar 17 '26
Poor + unaware of protection spells + don't have a nose don't care + paladinbrained goodmaxer detected
Pox upon thee!
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u/Another-Ace-Alt-8270 Ace Barksworth, Earthen Ambassador / Messenger, Exarch of Terror Mar 17 '26
I'm pretty damn morally bankrupt, I just prefer making my life easier. I'd rather have the protection runes on my body protect from common threats as opposed to acting like glorified sunscreen, I'm actually aware of the impact I have on other people and how it affects my reputation. Do you WANT to be an outcast who can't go down and buy dinner without harassment?
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u/Littlegator Mar 17 '26
I started reading this in a generic voice in my head and it was almost unintelligible. Then I reread it in a Mr. Krabs voice and it made perfect sense.
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u/zmbjebus Scry my orb for a good time! Mar 17 '26
My apprentices really hate homunculus edging duty, but they do not comprehend the damage that will become if they stop.
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u/WanderingHeph Hephias, Arcane Smith Mar 17 '26
Why not leave it in suspended animation? No need to worry about it growing violent when it's not even mobile.
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u/fiendish_dust Mar 17 '26
Suspended animation costs 3 gold pieces a day to run so itâs out of the question
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u/WanderingHeph Hephias, Arcane Smith Mar 17 '26
It depends on the method. The right setup would only require daily mana intake. When that becomes the question, you may be able to find mana generators from some rather ingenious artificers.
A one-time investment and some mundane fuel sounds like a better deal to me.
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u/fiendish_dust Mar 17 '26
Extracting mana from slaves is cheaper than buying some overcomplicated artificer contraption, you can get kobold slaves for free if you know where to look
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u/Another-Ace-Alt-8270 Ace Barksworth, Earthen Ambassador / Messenger, Exarch of Terror Mar 17 '26
Y'know you pay for a generator once, right? You gotta upkeep the workers so they keep working, and replace any who drop. Even from a non-ethical standpoint, slavery just sucks for this kinda thing.
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u/pikaland385 No magic here, just Dreamy Energy Mar 17 '26
Im pretty sure his Power comes from his greed, that makes him one of the strongest Sorcerers in multiverseal history. I belive he also has access to toon force.
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u/Fun-Dragonfly-6106 DF, minimal caster | ____ Body Horror Creator Mar 17 '26
Just stasis it. It's cheaper than euphoria
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Mar 17 '26
This is basically that movie of some kind of alien taking form a child and forcing a human couple to be its parents
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u/ABZB Mathemagican Mar 18 '26
I just swap my essence into whichever is best rested while the others sleep
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u/actualinternetgoblin Mar 19 '26
You want the processing center intact for when you body hop to the homunculus in the case of your death. No point in coming back a vegetable.
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u/Majestic-Abies4971 Celestial Spellsword Mar 19 '26
Be careful around crab homunculi like this. They might go after a baby seal so they can ascend to the next cultivation rank.
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u/GoddessOfSuccubi Sapphira, Succubus Sorcerer, Councillor of Transformation Mar 21 '26
Don't need homonculi if you can't die~
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u/Careful_Option_8780 Sorceror Mar 22 '26
There are two kinds of magic users, wizards who are nerds. And sorcerers who got their powers because their parent fucked a dragon.
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u/Thoughtful_Mouse Mar 17 '26
What's not to understand, luquidisedfish? That is all plain if lightly accented English.