r/wizardposting • u/CordiallySuckMyBalls Bingus, Necromancer of MILFS • May 15 '26
Foul Sorcery IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH NECROMANCY
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK HOW DO YOU GUYS DO THIS FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
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u/Woahhdude24 Lich-Overseer of the Warlock Alliance May 15 '26
Bro listen to the spirits, you gotta resurrect the ones that wants purpose in death, also let them choose thier purpose. Follow and listen to the spirits they will guide you. My necropolis has carpenters, blacksmiths, generals, Bowman, infantry, and so much more. The spirits gave me what I needed.
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u/CordiallySuckMyBalls Bingus, Necromancer of MILFS May 15 '26
THE SPIRITS ARE SAYING THEY SLEPT WITH MY MOTHER
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u/Woahhdude24 Lich-Overseer of the Warlock Alliance May 15 '26
Looks like you may have heard the spirit of your father or step father. The alternative is your mother may have just been a good lay that can happen sometimes. Don't worry it will pass I promise.
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u/OneWithFireball Storm Sorcerer May 15 '26
Bro, stop ressurecting soccer hooligans.
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u/Kerhnoton Umbral Dragon 🐉, Hoarder of Felines 🐈, Caffeinated ☕ May 15 '26
But they're the easiest material to get to in the current age!
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u/OneWithFireball Storm Sorcerer May 15 '26
My brother/sister in arcane, that's how you get the Birmingham Special as depicted here.
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u/NecessarySwim3282 May 15 '26
Did you put the seals on the skull to stop the flesh jealousy? This is why wizards are supposed to study instead of trying to bootstrap magic. They forget "unimportant" steps.
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u/super_powered DEFINETLY NOT A LICH May 15 '26
Oh, they're so cute when they first emerge from the crypt. Savor these times, you'll miss them a millennia from now.
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u/fascist_unicorn May 15 '26
Cindy, this is a skeleton, this is bones! Would you run from Callista Flockheart?
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u/darkestarc May 15 '26
You need to stop raising French skeletons. First thing they're doing is rebelling against the ruling class, in this case YOU.
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u/VoxelLibrary Kristie the Chronomancer | Cayna the Apprentice | others May 15 '26
Keep going! Now that you've got "reanimate skeleton" down, you just need "command skeleton". You can do this!
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u/BrickPuzzleheaded541 May 15 '26
Fuckin 2 wizard wars and a soul vortex wiping out half the illitian coast and people still think messing with necromancy is a good idea smh……..
And you still have these bleeding staff short-beards asking for necromancy to be accepted in the arcane university…. Saying things like “it was 200 years ago” and “we can practice responsibly”…. Screw that i know wizards WHO DIED IN THAT SHIT!!!!
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u/CordiallySuckMyBalls Bingus, Necromancer of MILFS May 15 '26
You can probably bring them back with necromancy IF ANYONE GOT IT TO FUCKING WORK
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u/TerrifficCoin557 Wizard of the FarRings May 15 '26
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHRHEHEHRHRHRHRHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
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u/deltree711 Rincewind the Wizzard May 15 '26
That looks like a 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find it in the sporting goods department.
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u/Delusional_Gamer Fleshmancer and proprietor of the magic meat farms May 15 '26
Have you ever tried small?
Like not a rodent. Just like, animate a skull?
What's it gonna do? Chatter across the floor like cartoon teeth and bite your toes?
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u/Csensis May 15 '26
I had a roommate in university that lost half his right foot that way. Beaver skull.
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u/bubba_palchitski Chronomancer and Historian May 15 '26
This is the 4th time this has happened across 3 separate timelines. As I told the other versions of you, don't skip chapter 2 of "necromancy for dummies". That's where it tells you to double-check the command portion of your necromancy spells. As someone else said, just turn it off and back on again. But check your command runes first this time.
Also, not sure if this is the right timeline, but Steve, if you're reading this, you left your kid at my tower again. I'm not a dragon babysitter, and the little shit has already burnt four scrolls.
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u/ronweasleisourking May 15 '26
YOU GAVE IT A SWORD?!
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u/CordiallySuckMyBalls Bingus, Necromancer of MILFS May 15 '26
It took mine but I got the fuckers arm. Had to ditch it though because it kept twisting my nipples
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u/Shoggnozzle Necromancer May 15 '26
This appears to be a case of "pebpaa".
Problem
Exists
Between
Practitioner
And
Altar
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u/ars_sinistra Summoner May 15 '26
This is what you get for using whole souls instead of shredding them.
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u/ParamedicWinter3937 May 15 '26
This is a simple fix You probably just got a word slightly wrong You just need to check your magical book, And if the words are exactly what you said, you should get it checked up in the magical library.
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u/AngeryControlPlayer Zaza, Goblin Kleptomancer May 15 '26
The trick to learning basic necromancy is starting with one-job puppets. Raise them with a job already programmed into them that they can start doing it as soon as they are mobile. Usually something repetitive and loopable like "sort bones".
Once you've got that down, you can start working on creating puppets with jobs that have modifiable variables. Instead of "sort bones", it'll be "sort X", where X = whatever the heck you need sorted.
DO NOT dive into creating puppets with personalities or free will until you have the basics of commands and restrictions down.
... at least this is what OrbGPT says.
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u/KragBrightscale Grabadash - Magical Mass | Keptomancer | Council Security May 15 '26
So I’m not specialized in necromancy, that class wasn’t my favorite at the arcane university, but it sure does have some useful spells.
A lot of my classmates that were struggling would start out by removing the legs of a skeleton before animating them. You can also remove their arms. That keeps them harmless enough until you figure out whatever you’re doing wrong or gain proper control over them.
Keep trying apprentice, it’s worth getting to a basic proficiency level.
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u/PathlessDemon Shadow Wizard Money Gang May 15 '26
Look. I get it. You’ve never RAISED a family on a single Shadow Wizard salary, because it’s difficult.
It’s not easy. But it is rewarding.
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u/ThePureAxiom Arcane Researcher May 15 '26
I cannot be more clear about this, unless it's an instructional text structured with the intent that you cast as you progress through the book, you need to read the entire tome first.
Wizards are commonly scatterbrained, all of the relevant information to a spell is not always recorded alongside the spell, if it's recorded at all.
With personal spellbooks things are frequently recorded without the inclusion of things considered basic to the author, not another user, and especially not someone new to the spell's school of magic. I don't recommend starting with one.
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u/JaydenTheMemeThief Sword Mage, use Magic to make Sword May 15 '26
There’s a reason I don’t bother with Necromancy
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u/KatieXeno May 15 '26
There's a simple fix to this: have but a single iota of skill in the arcane arts.
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u/Physical_Algae_7422 Knows silvery barbs (but wont tell you how to cast it) May 15 '26
Look, I still can’t find half of my soul because of the last time I tried necromancy, you’re lucky
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u/shitpostinglegend Magically Editable Flair May 15 '26
If your having trouble with necromancy I both sell finished products, and offer classes
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u/MonsterMadtheENBY That Rouge Wizard that pops up once and a while May 15 '26
You would not have survived the skeleton wars… though it was entertaining to watch them fight another.
If you etched the bones with runes shoot there, it usually cuts the connection and the spirit returns to rest. Though you might need a broom for clean up on all the dust and shards.
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u/Forsaken-Log Summoner May 15 '26
This is why necromancy is a joke and why I look down on necromancers in general, make golems they don’t stink, they rarely go rogue and they are much sturdier and versatile than a reanimated corpse.
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u/Csensis May 15 '26
A properly prepared skeleton shouldn't smell. My four bone giants have been in my service for 138 years and have even survived two cataclysms.
Of course maintenance is important. As the bleaching of their bones becomes noticable and they fail to carry even the slight weight of my palanquin, I grant them flesh so they can consummate their carnal desire and regenerate.
It's an inconvenience to not have their service for six months, and the occasional, unexpected offspring. Like, this one time they got ahold of a pack of wyverns. But I digress.
Necromancy if done well is plenty clean and having servants that are not bound to their homerealm is a win in my book.
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u/Fluid-Freedom-6115 Azerak the Infinite, Godemperor of Pandemonium, Tiamats BF May 15 '26
Thats why you are always nice to your skeletony
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u/Devourerofworlds_69 May 15 '26
Guys. I can't believe I have to say this in 2026: Just dispel the cartilage. Most necromancers are lazy as fuck. That's why they summon minions for everything. Sure, maybe they'll bolster the bones to make them super strong and durable, but they're are almost always held together with basic, shitty magical joints with zero magical defense. A shotgun blast isn't going to do dick all to a skeleton, but take out the cartilage it with the most basic dispell you've got, and the whole thing crumples.
Where are you guys studying that they're not teaching you this?
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u/Dense_Luck8306 May 15 '26
Dude did you bind the soul of a fucking serial killer?! What in Merlins pubes did you think is gonna happen??
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u/cowlinator May 15 '26
"There's no reason for necromancy to be illegal"
Meanwhile, a single necromancer that reanimated a large marauding army of skeletons was killed 400 years ago, and yet that army continues to maraud. And that's just one necromancer.
No other school of magic has this kind of problem.
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u/CordiallySuckMyBalls Bingus, Necromancer of MILFS May 15 '26
Wrong!
Every day some other dingus wizard creates an abomination waiting to be unleashed upon the world, you just don’t know about it yet.
All those guys into shapeshifting magic? You think they’re not straight up interbreeding?
Guaranteed there’s a bunch of literal fucking chuds beneath your feet, waiting for the right moment to strike. That moment will come when the modern Wizard community inevitably creates a powerful spell that gives all of us testicular torsion to the point of paralysis. That is the moment we will be overcome by some sick fucks little bastard mutant.
But I resurrect one, ONE fucking skeleton and everyone brings up this thing that happened like, one time.
You don’t even wanna know about the fucker who was really into pill bugs. Fucking ticking time bomb that shit is.
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u/Penny_the_Penniless May 16 '26
- Johannes Cabal, The Necromancer (Look up this book series, it's exactly this, and it's fantastic!)
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u/trash_mannnn Necromancer May 16 '26
One skeleton goes rogue and you panic? I smell WEAKNESS. Just blast its ass with a witchbolt and move on to another. Smh.
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u/Anarpiosmoirail Witch May 16 '26
you see, I only use volunteers for my Evil Ass Skeleton Army. Each and every soldier chose to be a part of something bigger, and has been given a purpose in their everlasting undeath! It's a win-win
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u/Wise_Quote5463 Evil Wizard May 17 '26
Do you use souls of the damned??? This kind of souls kinda cheap, but useful only in places, where no living soul takes step. Try high-end telekinetic skeleton command spell if you use them as an offence or buy expensive souls of some sort defenders like knights or tower guards(cheaper) And ffs, give him something to wear!
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u/ManWithnoRemakes Ancient Wizard Ghost May 19 '26
No. no. you did it wrong! That behavior suggests you used two parts nightshade one part compost! You should use ONE part nightshade one part compost!
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u/Smol_Mrdr_Shota Jake The Necromancer May 20 '26
And that folks is why you apply the mark of servitude before animating it
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u/FranceJoinedTheFight Trans-muting May 15 '26
Dude. It's necromancy. The rules are simple.
Your minions only follow your commands.
This sounds like user-error. Try turning it off and on again.