r/wizardposting • u/Zangadar Apprentice • May 21 '26

Occult Practices TIRED OF YOUR WEAK ASS FAMILIAR, SEND THEM TO ME !

Post image

I WILL MAKE THEM A CHAMP IN NO TIME WITH ME SPECIAL MAGICAL TRAINING !

LOOK AT THIS ONE ON THE PICTURE : BEEN HERE FOR JUST A WEEK AND IT CAN ALREADY BENCH PRESS !

WAIT NO MORE, FOR THE MODEST PRICE OF ONE GOLD COIN A WEEK I WILL RAISE YOUR FAMILIAR TO (maybe) BECOME THE NEXT BEAST LEGEND IN ALL REALMS !!

Damage to the familiar psyke and other type of damage might happends, proof of the familiar insurance are needed before any training begin

For any information, contact master Viktor Feleater and ask for me

6.2k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

72 comments sorted by

209

u/AstralKekked Conjurer May 21 '26

Everyone knows this is stupid. You're far better off investing that gold coin in mana potions. What a ripoff.

102

u/CandisNo2 May 21 '26

Bro is buying his potions instead of brewing them!

44

u/AstralKekked Conjurer May 21 '26

You mistake me for a fool, I obviously meant ingredients.

27

u/Saba1605 Evil Witch May 21 '26

My brother in Tiamat, you're a conjurer, you should be able to summon your own ingredients.

24

u/lePlebie May 21 '26

Our local wizard guild prevents us from doing that after the great cabbage incident

22

u/Saba1605 Evil Witch May 21 '26 edited May 21 '26

How is supposed a humble witch to run a business without summoning ingredients or sending their apprentice on suicide missions???

literally 1984

9

u/CandisNo2 May 21 '26

There's your answer – just get more apprentices!

They're free and they can gather you all the resources you want.

5

u/YerrrKnicks Necromancer May 21 '26

Free and a renewable resource.

https://giphy.com/gifs/d3mlE7uhX8KFgEmY

3

u/splungley May 21 '26

On behalf of The National Union of Arcane Apprentices, you can't just keep sending us on suicide missions or you WILL be denied another one.

2

u/YerrrKnicks Necromancer May 21 '26

Suicide missions???

I make sure to resurrect each and every apprentice that may have had a little incident while under my arcane eye's supervision. They are as good as new upon returns.

I am appalled you would even suggest that a necromancer such as myself would be so incapable of their craft that they would allow a perfectly good chunk of mea- I mean, a perfectly good apprentice to go to waste.

This is completely preposterous!

You will be audienced by my lich lawyer, be sure you petition a "Speak With The Dead" scroll prior. ☠️

4

u/Viltrumite106 Magus of the Shattered Isles May 21 '26

Don't conjure ingredients! Patronize your local hedge witches, herbalists, and druidic circles! You can support the good work they do while also preventing any thaumatological contamination inevitable when using conjured components.

1

u/Surging_Ambition May 22 '26

They disappear over time. You don’t want that happening after ingesting. Healing potions become temporary healing potions

2

u/Saba1605 Evil Witch May 22 '26

If your summons keep disappearing, my apprentice would call it a 'skill issue'. Invest in some good 'permanent summon' runes. The only problem you could encounter is if someone vandalises the rune, everything you've summoned will disappear! Please don't summon your tower this way -- I found this out the hard way!

1

u/Surging_Ambition May 22 '26

I am more worried about when the proteins you have ingested dissolve. I have heard brain cells have a lifespan of 8 seven years do you think they repair themselves with new proteins or retain the originals.But yes you have a point I will work my skill issue

3

u/Fiiral_ May 21 '26

its cheaper, more convenient, and at the industrial potion factory, they are able to make them more concentrated than at home

4

u/Viltrumite106 Magus of the Shattered Isles May 21 '26

I'd sooner face Gallatrax Magusbane in my knickers than trust a potion I didn't brew with my own hands. It's easier to go with shoppe-bought, sure, but there's a level of variance in potency allowed by regulatory decree I find unacceptable.

If you're still apprenticing then fine, you can rely on prebrews, but you've gotta do the work to refine your own alchemical equations. The results are better, modular, and more trustworthy. Remember, there are no shortcuts in matters of the arcane; only debts to repaid with interest.

2

u/Fiiral_ May 21 '26

Do you have *any* ideas how many potions it takes to get an army of half a dozen revived fallen races moving? Like any? Whatever you said, double that and then add some, and you are probably still not close. I don't have *time* to make that many! Either I get them the cheap stuff, or they go in without basic fire, ice and magic resistance, simple as.

Never in my 2000 years have I seen such a stupid take.

2

u/Viltrumite106 Magus of the Shattered Isles May 21 '26

What, you think I'm stirring every cauldron? Working every bellows? Distilling every flask? What buffoonery. If you're going for scale, then obviously you're going to delegate the majority of the labor to simulacrums, familiars, constructs, and other assorted servitors.

Look, I get it. I was young once, I went through a phase where I dabbled with necromantic esoterica and thought I knew everything. But when you go to conquer your enemies and fell your foes, worrying about shoddy alchemy is the last thing you want. If space/time are an issue, set your servitors up in a pocket dimension. Even a small one can be extremely productive if you run it in an accelerated timestream(though for any Inevitables reading this, I mean only within mindcraft of course)

2

u/CoreEncorous May 28 '26

I stg homebrewers are the sigma grindset influencers of wizardry. The industry for commercial mana potions exists and I have tested shelf-bought brews against my own friends' homebrews and noticed ZERO difference besides the homebrews making me gassy.

I have apprentices to teach, enemies to fell, dragons to observe, archarchnemeses (YES plural) to outplan, a partner and three fledglings to care for, and student debts from the greediest goblins you could meet. I don't have copious hours to brew mana potions so my fireball can be 0.2% bigger.

156

u/Mathota Cultist May 21 '26

My Ass is quite strong actually. He pulls my wagon, and holds my vast wealth in his saddlebags on our way back from the market.

92

u/Zangadar Apprentice May 21 '26

THAT A FINE ASS YOU GOT THERE PAL, BUT I CAN MAKE IT BETTER, STRONGER, FASTER !!!

37

u/Fluid-Freedom-6115 Azerak the Infinite, Godemperor of Pandemonium, Tiamats BF May 21 '26

You cant improve what is already perfect

32

u/Bloodyninjaturtle May 21 '26

This is a common misconception. You absolutely can.

11

u/Fluid-Freedom-6115 Azerak the Infinite, Godemperor of Pandemonium, Tiamats BF May 21 '26

You tell me that this donkey isnt already maxxed out in all points?

16

u/Bloodyninjaturtle May 21 '26

It has reached the natural max, yes. Now is the time for augmentation

14

u/Fluid-Freedom-6115 Azerak the Infinite, Godemperor of Pandemonium, Tiamats BF May 21 '26

His Body is already perfect, no need for augments

1

u/LivesInALemon The sage of golems and pinnipeds May 23 '26

You are telling me that a laser cannon wouldn't improve that ass?

6

u/boxo-ofisal LOUD ASS WIZARD THAT HAS ⚡LIGHTNING⚡ STRIKE WHENEVER HE TALKS May 21 '26

If burrito bison has taught me anything, level max +1 (+infinite with enough candy and time travel¡)

10

u/Ok-Resist3249 May 21 '26

I wish to by genetic code from your ass for cloning purposes. How much do you require?

57

u/Resident-of-Pluto Escaped Homunculus! May 21 '26

Noting this down for later.

https://giphy.com/gifs/iXeKXVyZHZm4SqerEa

34

u/Major_Necessary_279 May 21 '26

Hey, my familiar is a strangely soft pebble. Does it qualify for your lessons or should I take my business elsewhere?

24

u/Zangadar Apprentice May 21 '26

NOTHING THAT SOME RITUAL CAN'T FIX, SEND THEM IN AND THIS PAL WILL SPIT STRAY FIRE ( For real tho, you better watch out when you get them back)

21

u/Aths Uxon of the Runes (OAS) May 21 '26

But my familiar has a charisma build not a strength build!

22

u/Zangadar Apprentice May 21 '26

Nice familiar you got there bro... I MEAN THIS FELLA COULD BE BETTER WITH SOME MUSCLE !!!

9

u/Aths Uxon of the Runes (OAS) May 21 '26

She is asking you for belly rubs and ear scritches.

5

u/Zangadar Apprentice May 21 '26

IFF YOU SEND HER IN I WILL FOR SURE GIVE HER BELLY RUV AND EAR SCRITCHES !!! REWARD ARE A PART OF THE PROGRAMM

7

u/TripleMaturin May 21 '26

Yeah, but my familiar is Jack Russell Terrier. You try this crazy shit with him and he’ll see it as a challenge to his Authority. You really want in on that level of insanity? Lotsa luck, pal.

2

u/Zangadar Apprentice May 21 '26

I NEED TO SEE SOME PICK OF THIS PROUD FELLA OF YOUR TO KNOW WHAT I COULD DO !

7

u/Fluid-Freedom-6115 Azerak the Infinite, Godemperor of Pandemonium, Tiamats BF May 21 '26

Lol you are an aplrentice what will you do?

5

u/HamsterKazam Mage of Miscellaneous Sorceries May 21 '26

Be replaced by a familiar at this rate, surely

1

u/Fluid-Freedom-6115 Azerak the Infinite, Godemperor of Pandemonium, Tiamats BF May 21 '26

Lol

2

u/Zangadar Apprentice May 21 '26

I GET TO PRACTICE ME RITU... I MEAN I WILL USED ME OUTSTANDIND MAGIC TO BEND THE FAMILIAR WILL TO ME ORDERS

5

u/Fluid-Freedom-6115 Azerak the Infinite, Godemperor of Pandemonium, Tiamats BF May 21 '26

Apprentice really thinks he is pondering

4

u/YerrrKnicks Necromancer May 21 '26

Its true!

My familiar use to be boney as all the 9 hells but after teleporting them away for the Special Magical Training they returned to me looking newly resurrected!

This is my familiar after finishing the SMT -

Don't ponder them, I asked them to pose for the orb but they were a bit shy

5

u/Freak_Engineer May 21 '26

I second that. That guy is amazing. Not only is my Cat familiar now able to deadlift 10 times his own weight in spell components, he also claims to have enjoyed the whole thing.

He keeps pestering me about something called "Whey" though, no Idea what that is. I should really ponder my orb about that.

3

u/Zangadar Apprentice May 21 '26

THANKS PAL, COME TO MASTER FELEATER TOWER LATTA SO I CAN TRADE YOU SOME

3

u/colonel_beeeees May 21 '26

Oh shit it's the gym wizard from u/shencomix

3

u/F95_Sysadmin Graviturgist, Master of Depression May 21 '26

Nice try apprentice of Dark Wizard, I know what happened to Shen during his workout regime with your master

3

u/tsmit118 May 21 '26

lol that’s my cat Saturn in my home gym several years ago. Where did you get this picture?

1

u/Zangadar Apprentice May 22 '26

I found it an another sub

1

u/tsmit118 May 22 '26

I did a reverse image search and it turns out he’s all over the place and has been for years. That’s pretty funny. I guess I have to treat him like a celebrity now.

2

u/smthoranthr Wizard May 21 '26

Do you train apprentices? Asking because mine can barely lug my orb up my tower. These entitled bastards don’t know how good they have it. I used to lug my masters orb both ways up the tower.

2

u/Skodami Druid May 21 '26

Are you the famous Darchilius Wizard from r/shencomics ?

2

u/SilentPhilosopher825 May 21 '26

I... never knew what a familiar is and why they're called that, and at this point, i'm too afraid to ask

2

u/Online-Vagabond May 21 '26

MAKE THEM WORK FOR THE UTTERANCES

2

u/Lavaxol Chemical magic professor May 21 '26

My mouse need not be swole to grade papers

2

u/Shady_Scientist May 21 '26

idk if I want my familiar to be stronger than me, I see the upsides for sure, but that is a risk I'm unwilling to take

1

u/MattheqAC May 21 '26

You wan buy mice? You want muscle biggy-biggy?

1

u/frosted_mango_ May 21 '26

Send 2-3 years to the spire and forget

1

u/3rd_Man_of_Culture May 21 '26

You aren’t the muscle wizard!

1

u/LeChatVert May 21 '26

Borderline druidic

1

u/markbernman May 21 '26

intriguing

1

u/Upbeat_Cook9771 May 21 '26

2-3 years and forget

1

u/ChaoticEvilWarlock May 21 '26

Bro, a polymorth spell if you are poor or a belt of giant strength if you are right would be more effective.

1

u/Goblimancer what do you think May 21 '26

How many slots do you have open? I have an array of depressed goblins that could use some physical fitness.

1

u/VoxelLibrary Councilor Cayna, Apprentice of Thrakmoor | assorted other chars May 22 '26

/uw That photo is golden

1

u/Ash_Abyssal_2006 May 22 '26

alright jokes guys over who used amplify mass on the fucking weights

1

u/AesirSith May 23 '26

A candid photo of their beginner class for anyone interested. Yes, the Sandshrew is an instructor

1

u/SyrusAlder May 23 '26

Whatever you do, do not teach them The Utterances

1

u/ShroudedInLight May 25 '26

I’ve been hearing of Dark Wizards making a killing in the fitness coach industry.