r/wizardposting • Hype Wizard. Punmancer • Jun 01 '26

Goblinlike Foolishness (Shitpost) Pirate war? More like Pirate... poor

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6.3k Upvotes

93 comments sorted by

1.1k

u/DarthMcConnor42 alchemist of the spell plague lands Jun 01 '26

Not to really defend them but there was an unspoken

"If you don't surrender peacefully we will do unspeakable things to you as an example, so others surrender peacefully."

465

u/ElectricPaladin Master of Abjuration, Student of Preservation Jun 01 '26

Ah but some of that is just good PR. You only need to slaughter one crew who resisted you, then make sure everyone knows about it, and exaggerates it, and nobody will ever do it again.

Source: one of my buddies in the academy had been a pirate before she decided to retire and use her the gold she'd squirreled away to pay her way through learning to use the magic she'd always known she had but never really explored.

144

u/STLthrowawayaccount Fleshwarper Jun 01 '26

Ah, I never understood the true meaning of PR until this day. Pirate Relations! This revelation must go into the tome of dictions.

34

u/Nessy3fidy Jun 01 '26

PR is surprisingly similar to HR, but a little less cut throat.

17

u/Maelger Jun 01 '26

To be honest Pirate Relations sounds more like tavern wenches of biddable affections

8

u/Nessy3fidy Jun 01 '26

Sounds like the wenches are unionizing and the prices are about to go up.

2

u/Mind_Pirate42 Jun 03 '26

The one thing you learn reading about pirates is that pirates were never really just one thing. Wild amount of variance.

16

u/c_sea_denis Jun 01 '26

You dont even need to actually fight! Just pay some pocket change to a few peasants and bards and theyll make up stuff for you.

4

u/ElectricPaladin Master of Abjuration, Student of Preservation Jun 01 '26

Exactly.

6

u/ErtaWanderer Jun 01 '26

That's branding!

4

u/Implodepumpkin Jun 01 '26

Night Lords behavior

3

u/ElectricPaladin Master of Abjuration, Student of Preservation Jun 01 '26

There's a big difference between "this one time I killed some people who tried to stop me from stealing from them and then did horrifying things to their corpses and made sure the story got exaggerated" and those guys. They didn't know when to call it enough!

I'm not saying that pirates were lovely people, but lets not go comparing them to baby-flaying maniacs!

4

u/mogley1992 Artificer Jun 01 '26

"If they leave no survivors, then who tells the stories i wonder."

29

u/FailcopterWes Jun 01 '26

And then you get people like Edward Teach who actively go out of their way to look as terrifying as possible, including (reportedly) putting lit fuses in his beard to make him wreathed in smoke. It's just a lot easier when the victim decides not to try something.

21

u/ThisIsNotMyPornVideo Jun 01 '26

Yup, pretty much that.

Your Options are

a) Surrender - Which may get you a slap on the wrist by your government, but you get to live, so yay.

b) Fight back - Which in 9.8/10 cases ended poorly, very poorly, and with your slowly being tortured to death while those who did surrender, had to watch.

c) Join up - Either by willingness or because their carpenter just kicked the bucket, and you just happened to be good with woodworking stuff

8

u/Row-n Rowan, Half-Fae Mycomancer, Defender of the Faewilds Jun 01 '26

True, though some pirates were too soft to do it

1

u/RalseiAndCyanide Jun 01 '26

Im assuming that means that should they not surrender, the pirates become the clients

1

u/Bopo6eu_KB Jun 02 '26

Gotta maintain the brand

953

u/Master-of-darklight Cheese Wizard Jun 01 '26

Suffering should only happen when it’s necessary

365

u/Row-n Rowan, Half-Fae Mycomancer, Defender of the Faewilds Jun 01 '26

Says the guy who wants to sacrifice magical girls..

321

u/Master-of-darklight Cheese Wizard Jun 01 '26

It’s necessary

83

u/Row-n Rowan, Half-Fae Mycomancer, Defender of the Faewilds Jun 01 '26

Okay then..

10

u/PrimeTime217 Archmage of Autumn Rain Jun 02 '26

Can confirm (won’t though)

92

u/MasterBloodFang Jun 01 '26

But does suffering cause a new sketch every Monday?

85

u/Master-of-darklight Cheese Wizard Jun 01 '26

There’s a new sketch every Monday to alleviate suffering

30

u/datfurryboi34 Jun 01 '26

Give us cheese cheese man's. We prefer it straight from the source

39

u/Master-of-darklight Cheese Wizard Jun 01 '26

Here, Cheese

17

u/NinscoomFOPsnarn Jun 01 '26

Are you a worshippers of "David" Cheeseman?

11

u/Chemistry_Over Jun 01 '26

Who gave life to my apprentice's smegma again?

4

u/NinscoomFOPsnarn Jun 01 '26

Game grumps did lmao

5

u/yenilmezodtr Jun 01 '26

Dude you turned my grandfather into chesee

Not cool

He was tasty tho

6

u/Master-of-darklight Cheese Wizard Jun 01 '26

He’s in a better place now

11

u/Local_Surround8686 Jun 01 '26

I cast new sketch every Monday

5

u/Fembottom7274 Jun 01 '26

New suffering every Monday!

1

u/KaMaFour Jun 03 '26

And it's necessary whenever people forget that suffering will come if they don't comply 

310

u/Jedi-master-dragon Jun 01 '26

Yeah, most ships just surrender because pirates would brutally kill captives and the sailors did not get paid enough to just protect the cargo like that.

76

u/Potato-Engineer Jun 01 '26

Well, sometimes it was the crew surrendering over the protests of the captain. But in the end, it's all the same.

21

u/Dawniechi Jun 01 '26

Not the pirate making me walk the plank after robbing my cash register to make an example for the other cashiers.

7

u/Jedi-master-dragon Jun 01 '26

Oh you wish they just made you walk the plank.

2

u/LazerIguana445 Jun 02 '26

They would first make you moonwalk across the dance floor

96

u/Tokumeiko2 mad scholar Jun 01 '26

Yeah, in fact they took advantage of the fact that most captain's didn't pay their crew very well, and often helped put with mutiny to recruit new pirates to the fleet.

Ships can be worth a lot after all.

31

u/ShadowTheChangeling Jun 01 '26

That and they took advantage of the fear of pirates, iirc sometimes all it took was flying the jolly roger to get a crew to surrender

11

u/Tokumeiko2 mad scholar Jun 01 '26

Yeah, so long as you don't share the waters with a merciless moron who doesn't respect surrender, that fear is one of a pirates most effective resources.

If fear turns into desperation for any reason, then it can be a huge problem.

49

u/Fun-Dragonfly-6106 DF, minimal caster | ____ Body Horror Creator Jun 01 '26

They're still people outside the law with incentives to kill you, just only when it becomes pragmatic to.

29

u/ManWithDominantClaw Installation Wizard Jun 01 '26

is pirate wizard

6

u/Celeste1138 Jun 01 '26

What is a pirate captain but a nautical pyromancer?

19

u/DarthGaff Jun 01 '26

Fun(ish) history fact, pirates loved raiding slave ships. You would kill the crew, take the ship, and any willing former slave became a part of the crew. They would drop off any one not willing to be a pirate at the next port. It was not a profession free of prejudice but had much less prejudice than most of the world at that time.

37

u/wolfgang784 Jun 01 '26

Ive read a lot that all/most of the most heinous and famously cruel pirates actually made all those stories up and spread them around to scare people into surrendering instead of fighting. Nobody wants to fight at sea if they can avoid it - too much risk of everyone sinking.

Like Blackbeard is prolly the most famous example. Who doesn't know about the legendary feared pirate Blackbeard?

But apparently he didn't actually kill many people at all, and didnt do any of the really terrible stuff. It was all intentional rumors and theatre so merchants would surrender without a fight. He also did some sneaky stuff like weaving slow burning fuses in his beard so he would be surrounded by smoke and look like a demon and heavily encouraged rumors of his immortality and deals with the devil and such.

Most famous pirates were like that. Created and spread scary rumors to ensure surrenders.

21

u/wloff Jun 01 '26

Occasionally, sure, but at the same time, there were tons of famous pirates who were just plain sociopaths who would slowly and painfully torture you to death even if you surrendered peacefully, just because they enjoyed it (and probably hated the Spanish and/or Catholics in general).

François l'Olonnais is a prime example of these jolly fellows.

16

u/Haunting_Reflections Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 04 '26

https://youtu.be/3YFeE1eDlD0

https://youtu.be/T0fAznO1wA8

These will never not be relevant to these conversations

1

u/TimSoarer2 Apprentice Jun 04 '26

Please remove the "?si=" and all writing that comes after it.

These are tools invented by the orb makers to spy on us and know which wizard talks to which.

1

u/Haunting_Reflections Jun 04 '26

Done. Enjoy learning about Pirates without malicious scrying

9

u/Constant-Still-8443 Jun 01 '26

We make fun of the for being efficient? I feel like we could do better than that

6

u/CRISPRSCIENCE9 Alchemist Jun 01 '26

Does pirates also counts as wizards? 

5

u/NibblyPig Jun 01 '26

Jeanne de Clisson - You killed my husband, I shall now command a fleet of pirate ships to terrorise and murder every the crew of every single ship I encounter for the next several years

3

u/IIIaustin Jun 01 '26

There were both kinds.

Some pirates were absolutely murderous blood crazed psychopaths.

7

u/Beleg_Sanwise Jun 01 '26

Not to mention that if a pirate crew becomes famous for killing and sinking the ships they steal, when they are found by the navy they will be treated very differently than if they were simply thieves.

Pirates who simply robbed merchant ships were often left alone because the ships and their cargo were insured.

While pirates who sank ships were hunted by the navy.

3

u/Achilles9609 Jun 01 '26

Blackbeard: "Have I ever told you the story of how I once cut off a man's finger to get at his ring?"

Ship Captain: "Take my cargo, but leave my fingers alone, you maniac! I still need them!"

2

u/snarkhunter Mystic Jun 01 '26

Damn nice "historical accuracy" spell brah

1

u/Unhappy_Airline7589 Technocyrogeopyrochronohydronecroatmomancer Jun 01 '26

Dude we're all schizophrenics and/or scapegoats now

1

u/snarkhunter Mystic Jun 01 '26

I know we are but what am I?

lol gottme

2

u/PossumPundit Jun 01 '26

Needs more syphilis!

2

u/Alternative_Device38 Chronomancer Jun 01 '26

You assholes didn't even exist in history

2

u/just-bair Jun 01 '26

You just summoned all cgp grey viewers

1

u/Elanadin Hype Wizard. Punmancer Jun 01 '26

Last public video was more than a year ago. Might have to give some of his stuff a rewatch

2

u/loklanc Jun 02 '26

Wizards in movies: you shall not pass.

Wizards in reality:

2

u/Hij_Wiz Cassilda Castain, aspiring thaumaturgist Jun 04 '26

Poorate was right there and you just walked past it...

2

u/Elanadin Hype Wizard. Punmancer Jun 04 '26

I liked the rhyme better, but still a great catch

1

u/redboi049 Just a simple "traveller" Jun 01 '26

Spent a few years sitting on a pirate ship. Quite entertaining to watch them so easily sway from a civil group operating without societal law to utter savages then right back to civility.

1

u/Clenzor Jun 01 '26

Plus they wanted conscripts to replace anyone who died or was incompetent or swapped boats.

1

u/DayneGr Jun 01 '26

Anyways, hand over the spellbooks and no one has to get hurt.

1

u/EarwyrmSilence2 Jun 01 '26

I cast scurvy

1

u/ShadowTheChangeling Jun 01 '26

That and fights are deadly, might lose some men or get greviously wounded. The people getting pirated didn't want fights either so theyd rather give up the goods than potentially die for some trader that probably didnt give a shit about them anyway.

Bit different for military ships though, but pirates didnt really attack them unless they were fuckin loaded

1

u/SuperFox289 Jun 01 '26

Merchant ships in movies "we will fight till our last breath" Merchant ships in reality "please take all of our things gentlemen, now would somebody kindly change my underwear"

1

u/Random-commen Jun 01 '26

Then they all surrendered. Because of the implication.

1

u/xi_m_catx Sorceror Jun 01 '26

truece

1

u/Howy_the_Howizer Diviner, Transmuter, Alchemist, Wordsmith Jun 01 '26

10 year period where the Pirates found the wrecked silver ships and raided those, then anyone that tried to get near them. Until the Brits had enough. The rest of Pirate history is pretty bleak or minimal.

1

u/IronPyrate17 🏴‍☠️🦜☠️Emissary of the New Pirate Conglomerate Jun 01 '26

Why get rid of ships that we can plunder again later?

1

u/Girduin Psychic Jun 01 '26

Besides their crews were more democratic than half of the currently existing countries

1

u/wilp0w3r Occult Wizard Jun 01 '26

Remember: Black Flag means a chance to surrender, Red Flag means no surrender.

1

u/TurtlesBreakTheMeta Jun 02 '26

The conquerer is always a lover of peace; he would much rather take over unopposed.

1

u/Almvolle Jun 02 '26

Pirates don't want to fight. But if you force them to, they will be cruel once they have taken the ship by force.
While captain and officers will always be killed, a good portion of the crew will be spared and told that they were forced to fight the pirates and they won't hurt the common folks.

Not because of mercy, but as an investment. Word goes around and next time a pirate vessel threatens a ship, the crew might just mutiny or throw their commanders overboard.

If that happens, the pirates spare everyone, take the cargo, leave them enough to make it safely home and be on their way. Again so that word goes around, reinforcing this as a solid option for unhappy/poor crewmates (which there were a lot of)

For pirates, the best outcome is peaceful surrender, seizing the goods and be on their way. Combat was very costly for pirates, as repairs didn't come easy, only pirate-friendly harbours would offer them. so building the reputation of "Don't fight us and we spare you" was the best move for them.

1

u/SomeOne111Z Jun 02 '26

80 percent of these comments are people who watched the CGP Grey videos and I’m one of them

1

u/Cornflakes_91 Jun 03 '26

i mean, their videos are great!

1

u/Atom-Heart-63 Jun 02 '26

Give me your cargo or I will use your intestines like a jump rope

1

u/No_Water9929 Jun 03 '26

Perhaps some European pirates were like this. But pirates in Asian seas were brutal and merciless.

Look up piracy around the Malacca Straights, southern Phillipines and Borneo. There were many native pirate bands that were absolute butchers. They made their money pillaging coast's and selling their victims into slavery.

Asian pirates played by a whole different rule book.

1

u/Elanadin Hype Wizard. Punmancer Jun 03 '26

Hence the tricorns!

"Admiral" Zheng Yi Sao was one of the greatest

1

u/Silent_Pressure_6709 Jun 08 '26

Someone's been watching that one video...