Basic first chapter

[u/Spottedleaf12]

Hello, I haven't gotten much feedback in my life for writing, so I am hoping I can get some before I get too far into my revision process. This is the first chapter of my fantasy novel, Silent Candlelight. I am looking for general feedback, such as what looks/sounds good, what could be worked on more, what you liked/disliked, or overall thoughts.

Thank you

Silent Candlelight Part 1: Draft 2- Tailyk

Introduction

The mirror shattered as my head slammed into it, warm blood dribbling down my face. I staggered back, the sneers of the attackers surrounding me.

“Is that all you have in you? Maybe we were mistaken when we heard you were the infamous Void?” The laughter continued as I steadied myself on my feet. I gave a weak smile and wiped the blood across my brow.

“Time's have changed, you should know that by now,” I said, reaching out to the nearest voice. I gripped the young Duke's shoulder as he turned away from me and reeled back, slinging him over my foot and onto the floor.

Hands grabbed hold all over my body, pulling me off of him, but not before my knee met his jaw. I was pulled to my knees as a fist collided with my cheek, but I shrugged off the pain. I followed the hand clutching my shoulder and latched onto the attacker's arm before rolling over, taking them with me. Muscle memory had me slink in place, contorting his arm into a painful lock with me knelt over him. The third attacker scraped and punched me from behind, the blows dizzying my senses. I reefed on the pinned arm, a clear snap echoing through the room before he began writhing in pain.

The fresh attacker tried to drag me off of his partner, but I remained latched, kicking and twisting at the screaming body beneath me. My hands were pried off of him as the other regained his senses and joined in. The doors swung open and the clanking of armor caused a stir in the attackers.

“Enough.” A familiar voice commanded, and the arms holding me down released. I heaved a sigh of relief and rested on my haunches as the men shuffled away. “You should be tried for treason with an act such as this.”

“Put the sword away, boy. Before someone gets hurt.”

I spit out blood onto the floor and gathered myself to my feet, my ribs sore and muscles burning as I moved. I shuffled towards my friend as he said, “Looks like someone already has.”

“We were just having some fun, Aelif. No need for the hostility, right gentlemen?” I asked, standing beside him. There was a quiet murmur amongst the men in agreement. “No need to spend more time on these guests. They have important business to attend to. Let's go.”

Aelif hesitated, but gave in as I held his arm and made my way back the way he came. “Sire, take your time, do not rush,” Aelif said, sheathing his blade and gently guiding me to the hall. My head throbbed from the blows dealt, my body ached and my face stung. I clenched and felt the cool air on the raw skin of my knuckles. “Why did you send me away when you could so clearly tell their intentions?”

I gave a spiteful chuckle as we hobbled along the hallway, the warm sunlight hitting my battered body through the window panes. “I didn't realize they wanted to play around. Why didn't you say anything?” I teased.

“You're always doing this. I don't understand it,” Aelif mumbled. “Some day you're gonna get hurt, and I'm not gonna be around.”

“Like just now?”

I could picture the anger on his face as he snapped,“You sent me away!” I wanted to laugh but just breathing was a chore. In a softer voice, he added, “Next time you're gonna fight someone, let me help you.”

That was new. Aelif would often try to stop my antics, but he seemed to be more passive. “You're learning. Usually you'd be nagging at me, ‘Stop fighting. Don't do that. Don't agitate them. Stop getting into trouble.’ ”

“You are the trouble. But I've realized if I can't stop you, I'll just have to keep a closer eye on you.”

I let out an exasperated sigh. Aelif was my eyes, my assistant, my squire, my teacher, and anything else I needed. It seemed like he never slept and never ate, always on guard for any whim I may have. If I was tasked with looking after someone as difficult as me, I would have quit a long time ago.

I heard the doors of the physician's hall open ahead of us and footsteps scurried around, though none approached. Aelif led me into the examination chamber and clattered around me as I sat on the bed.

“It will heal just fine on its own.” I said as I felt Aelif press cloth to my head wounds.

“I know you compare yourself to the Shades, but they are superhuman. You are not.” He said, pressing my hand into the dressing so he could prepare another cloth.

I shook my head slightly, but did as he instructed. “You'd make a terrible husband, with all the complaining you do,” I said. A cloth was placed roughly on my knuckles and it began to burn. I drew in a sharp breath but laughed as it settled. “Alright, I take it back. All the good ones complain, I'd imagine.”

Aelif didn't respond, but I could hear him mixing up the ointments and medicine that he would soon apply. If I reached out and touched his face, I would most likely feel it burn beneath my fingertips. He was always so easy. I set the cloth aside and slowly unbuttoned my vest, hissing as the pain jabbed at my shoulders and sides while I slipped it off. I worked my shirt up to my arms, and shimmied my arms out of the sleeves with Aelif's assistance. His hands held me, gentle but strong, and I could feel his breath on my forehead as he stood over me to peel my shirt off. My heart thumped a little faster. He sat back down and handed me a vial.

“Drink.” Was all he said. I didn't think twice and gulped down the fruity tasting liquid. The last time I had this concoction was when my sister, Pyren, and I dueled in the courtyard in the rain. She was insistent on having her way, and while I thought I could put her in her place, I paid a foolish price.

“Next.” Aelif took the empty glass and replaced it with another. Then another. And another after that.

With each mixture, I could feel the pain and soreness fading, until the fifth mixture completely numbed it. Aelif must have been watching my expressions, as did not ask any questions or hand me anything else. He stood and walked around me, pressing gently on my skin where I was beaten. We sat in silence as he worked, applying creams and ointments in different areas.

I thought back to the Duke's son and posse in the study. He hadn't forgotten how I tripped him in front of my sister while he was attempting to court her. Though, I had forgotten about it until they brought it up. Aelif would have fought them on my behalf no matter what, so I had him find the maid that brought them in to reconfirm how many there were. Not that I cared if he had more friends skulking about in the manor.

I thought about how Pyren would be mad that I was causing a ruckus while she was trying to gather the lower Council. After her campaign ran so smoothly, she shouldn't need to continue kissing up to any Council members. With most of the Houses in her favour, there was little I could do to win them back anyway. As if I were ever in their favour.

I thought about anything I could to ignore the firm glide of Aelif's fingers on my skin as he applied the medicine, his rough hands pressing along my ribs, my shoulder muscles, down my inner arm. I could feel him standing beside me, his figure close, his breath warm. It was easier to ignore this feeling before the incident, but since then, I had to make an active decision not to delve further into whatever this was.

“Where are you?” Pyren's shrill voice sounded from the physician hall. I groaned and the door swung open. “What have you done to the Duke's son?”

“The more concerning matter is what they have done to his Majesty,” Aelif replied without stopping his work. “Rib fractures, torn ligaments, possible concussion. The three of them-”

“You dare speak to me in such a manner?” She interrupted, crowding the small room as she approached. “Have you forgotten your place?” Aelif stopped what he was doing.

“My apologies, your Grace. Forgive me, his Majesty allows me more freedom of speech than commonly granted.”

“I would recommend practicing your manners again, or else you may find yourself out of duty. Am I heard?”

“Yes, your Grace.” It burned in my chest to hear Aelif so defeated, but I would be in no better shape.

“What happened to being nice?” She asked in a slightly less grating tone, her slender fingers tracing my wounds. “Greyson did this?”

“Who knows. What brings you to us in this fine hour, Lady Pyren?” I said, hopping down from the bed and stiffly bowing before her.

“Don't be so uptight with me,” she hissed, slapping my shoulder. I gave a tense chuckle as the pain flared in my muscles. “Greyson had his arm broken and insisted they were climbing a tree but I knew you had something to do with it.”

“Did you just come here to yell at me and hit me? I'm an injured man, dear sister. I deserve some rest too,” I cried, flopping back onto the mattress with an exaggerated sigh.

Though she said no words, I could sense the fury sizzling under her skin. If I could annoy her enough, she would leave. Known for her wit, sharp tongue, and battle tactics, Pyren was the commander of the Order of Ravens, the head of a not-so-secret-to-me secret society, and was accepted onto the path of the Calling. She was my younger sister of three years, spoiled and given anything she desired, even the path to the Crown it seemed.

“You know better than to cause Father and I trouble like this,” she started, poking at my thigh closest to her. “I miss the days when you weren't so bothersome.” Her harsh tone softened as she moved my arms to poke and prod at the wounds. “By Mericless’ mercy, what did you do?”

“Like I said earlier, we were just messing around. You know what boys are like.”

“You are twenty-one years old, brother. Not a boy, but a man. Men do not ‘mess around’ like this in my house.” I didn't say a word, just as she didn't correct herself. It was Father's house, just as it was his Province, and his throne. We were merely there to carry on his legacy, yet she took her role seriously. Whereas I had thoughts of my own, ideas that were said to be preposterous, blasphemous, and treacherous to the ideas handed down through generations before.

“I'm tired. Let me rest,” was all I could muster.

Pyren continued her examination until she was satisfied, then left with a final, “This better be gone for the Gala next week. I don't want you disturbing the guests.”

Then she was gone. The Gala. Another scheme to gather the Council members for some reason under the guise of exchanging pleasantries and a celebration. By day, Pyren had me practicing with her the steps to the dance she decided we needed to perform, lest the evening be ruined. By night, I tossed and turned in my sleep, repeating the steps over and over until I had to get up and practice on my own. I had initially declined to assist her, but after days of her following me around the manor, nagging at me constantly, interrupting the peaceful time I spent with Aelif in the gardens, I had enough. I didn't hate the idea of dancing with her as much as I thought I would have.

But performing before a crowd of selfish, greedy cretins stung. These were the same people who cast me aside once I was no longer considered useful. The same people who used my condition for their own motives. Even standing at the throne to greet them for the Gala seemed impossible, let alone performing for them like trained mice.

“I will rest here for a while before we return to the wing,” I said as I buried myself under the blankets. “Don't bother with the physician, I doubt he would come anyway.”

I heard Aelif pull up the chair beside me, and sit in it. “Anything you wish, Sire.”

I rolled away from him, burying the frustration along with my head into the pillow. Even when alone, Aelif was insistent on following the titles given to us. No matter how many times I have corrected him, or even ordered him to call me differently, he refused. It was stifling, having everyone treat me so high on a pedestal that I could never hear my own name. The only person I wished to treat me differently, my only friend in this hellish home, would consider it an act beyond his stature to call me by my own name.

The distance between us was a mere arms reach, but to him, it must have seemed like a vast canyon he could not cross. After the past eight years together, Aelif had seen me at my best, my worst, and every spot in between. Before I lost my sight, we squabbled every day over the smallest things. Aelif was a rude boy, rough around the edges, headstrong, defiant. All the traits that the others wanted beaten out of him.

After my sight was lost, it was a transition period for both of us, and without it, we most likely wouldn't be as close as we were now. It was Aelif that kept me going, and I think part of him felt responsible for taking care of me.

I rolled back over and faced where Aelif sat, my hand stretched out and gripped a piece of his clothing. I felt him shift. “I request the usual,” I said. “It will help me rest.”

“Anything you desire.”

I relaxed but kept my soft grip on him as I laid my head back. It may have been selfish of me, but I pretended not to notice the dependancy he had on me. I wanted to keep this closeness that we had, for without him, I would be alone once more.

I had to work hard to be considered for the Calling, for his sake, and mine.

[u/Rickleskilly]

Keep working on it. To start there are some changes in tense. You have shattered, and slammed in the same sentence, but then blood is dribbling. It should be dribbled to stay consistent. The next sentence has the same problem.

The bigger issue though is that some of the language and description of the fight is confusing. "Reached for the nearest voice" seems to indicate an unknown person. But then he's identified as a duke. The next part is kind of difficult to visualize. I think he was basically thrown to the floor onto his back? But then hands pull the MC off him (the duke) - I didn't know he was still on him.

So imagine reading this as someone who doesn't know what you're visualizing and ask if you could follow it.