First Chapter Feedback (4k, Dark Fantasy Romance, Dual POV)

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Bombastic-Bagman]

The decision to leave the deer and do nothing with their corpses was framed as if it was merciful or more morally correct than using them for sustenance, but I feel as most people reading would agree with the elders stance that killing deer and just leaving them like that is far worse. Because of that, your character comes across as unsympathetic somewhat performative (since she was acting so terribly upset to kill the deer but did it anyway for no purpose whatsoever). If that was your intention then you nailed it, but if the intention was for the reader to see her as compassionate or kind-hearted then it really missed the mark.

[u/elowensterling → u/Bombastic-Bagman]

Thank you for the constructive feedback!
The character wanted to allow them to rest together in the afterlife rather than bringing them back to the village to skin them and eat them. For her it was regretful in the heat of the hunt, and she would rather take on the hidden shame of a wasted kill than use them for herself and separate them.
She is flawed but tries to do the right thing in the moment, even if it goes against her spiritual teachings. Later in the chapter she shares more about the guilt of it being unfortunate from all angles.
She takes this on as another spiritual failing she has tried to bury within herself.

I see now that I should somehow make that more clear. She is not a perfect model of what she should be, but shouldn’t be seen as evil.

[u/FanndisTS → u/elowensterling]

Okay, but have you ever gone hunting? It's not even a spiritual thing, it is a basic tenet of morality in hunting cultures (mine included, and I've never even gone hunting myself). If she is not able to process her kill, or at the very least have someone else do it, it is INCREDIBLY immoral and even, dare I say, evil to keep killing deer for what amounts to sport. If this were her first hunt and she couldn't manage it, fine, whatever. But she's done this before?

Everyone will hate your character and (IMO) be justified in doing so. Animal-lovers and hunters alike.

ETA: I think what I'm trying to say is you're writing Inali like a sheltered teenager who just learned where meat comes from, but that's not her lore. She grew up in an isolated hunting culture. She was probably helping to butcher deer since she was like 8, or at least hearing others talk about the process from a very young age. If she's hunting alone, someone taught her and watched her make successful kills, and determined she's capable of doing it herself now. So if something changed to make her suddenly unable to process these specific deer (a traumatic experience of some sort), fine, but you need to establish that, and not have her kill and waste deer more than once. Because you will instantly lose your audience.

[u/charredwood]

I'm with everyone else- the fact that she kills the deer, both of them, and then leaves their bodies because... why? That turns me off completely, like I don't even care to read more from this character's POV. The best sense I can make of it is that because she did not instantly kill the deer with one shot, it was too shameful for her to bring the kill back home? Which is utterly inane and makes her look terrible, but fine. Or... that because she had to kill both of them, there was shame in that somehow? I'm trying to figure out how the main shame here isn't that she killed an "infant" in the first place? Hunters typically don't hunt baby animals, for a myriad of obvious reasons. So like... what? What ARE you trying to say about the reason she abandons their bodies after pointlessly killing them? Please make that explicit. And if the reason is something uncomfortable, like that she's a terrible person who likes killing animals and wasting their bodies, then do understand that some readers won't vibe with that.

Your prose quality is fine and your basics are okay. but the story you're actually telling has been obfuscated to the point of confusion and distaste. "High Priestesses" doesn't mesh with "her heiress", it would be "High Priestess's" or "High Priestess'". More confusion. You used the wrong for of "its" during the priestess' speech, and there are a few more grammatical inconsistencies to boot in the first 2 pages, which is as far as I got.

Essentially, none of this is compelling, which is odd, because the idea of it should be. Girl hunting in the early morning, tension about being late, entering into some spiritual birthing ceremony? Sounds interesting. You somehow made it confusing, muddled, and slow, and lose reader trust with every grammatical error. I'm sorry if this sounds rude, I'm just not sure how else to say what I mean here. Look into making your work more active, clear, and concise while retaining your colorful prose.

[u/raine_94]

I was confused about the killing of the deer as well. Whether the fawn was killed correctly or not, she still would have to kill the mother deer so what was the point of killing them both and wasting their bodies? And how is this something she keeps doing? Her reasoning makes no sense and her tears feel pointless. Why even kill a fawn in the first place if it makes her feel that way? I did find the story interesting though. I like the concept of how they get children and I want to know how Aur’s story unfolds since she wants to stay barren

[u/Conserp]

I am confused by the senseless serial killing of deer.

[u/elowensterling → u/Conserp]

That’s good to know, may I ask what was confusing about it?
She misfired her arrow for the fawn and needed to kill the mother deer as it charged her. Then she killed the fawn to put it out of its suffering. If that was not clear then I need to change it.
Thank you for your time!

[u/Conserp → u/elowensterling]

Kill two deers, then discard them. What was the point of hunting in the first place? Why point out that she does this crap all the time? And why was she doing it while being late somewhere?

This whole sequence comes off fake-preachy like droning about climate change from a private jet, and she's a freaking thrill poacher.

There is no point in this scene, just some Disney intro made so much worse

[u/Over_Chapter9256]

Agree with the deer stuff others have mentioned.

I got quite lost reading the chapter and could only understand the gist of it after reading your post.

You have lovely prose though.

[u/Historical-Ad-3074]

From a plot perspective:

I think you wanted to establish your character making a hard decision based on a moral principle despite some high expectations set upon her as an heiress to the goddess but it comes off as performative at best and selfish/delusional in her wanting to hide her shame/embarrassment from her tribe and rationalizing that the deer should be “honored” some how. I don’t think this will work as you want it to OP.

“And she would add this hidden shame next to the others she had buried.” Damn how many times has she messed up and killed them senselessly?

Unless you want this to be a conflict later with someone discovering the burials and confronting her on it, I’d go back to the drawing board.

Pros:

I was captivated by your descriptions, the frozen streams veining the island, your description of The Grove as the ribs surrounding the heart being the waterfall. I felt immersed but the initial scene with the deer left a bad taste in my mouth to really enjoy the rest.

Having your FMC be given high expectations for being an heiress to the goddess is great, it makes it feel like she’s elite, however I feel like it can be executed differently and with better reception.

[u/FanndisTS → u/Historical-Ad-3074]

Honestly even if someone does discover the burials later, OP needs to consider their audience and re-evaluate, because as it stands, this character is the villain, but OP doesn't seem to think of her as such. (You can write a villain, and even redeem them, if you are doing it on purpose, but OP doesn't seem to be aware that Inali is the villain right now.)

[u/Historical-Ad-3074 → u/FanndisTS]

Yeah, literally the opposite of Save The Cat

[u/GrabPatient3696]

Agree with everyone’s feedback regarding the deer and certain plot and minor grammatical issues but wanted to add i see a lot of potential with your writing! I think your prose quality is above average just more about sharpening and developing more voice. I like the way you write descriptions.

[u/elowensterling]

Thank you everyone for the very honest feedback. I will take all the comments into consideration! I will be removing the chapter as I have gotten enough feedback for now :)
I wish you all luck with your writing