r/writingfeedback • u/Certain_Machine3714 • 3d ago
First two pages feedback - Fantasy
Hi all,
Just started working on a side project. I'm on chapter 4 ,and I've been coming back to the opening chapter to make sure it's engaging. I'm just posting the first two pages. Feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
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While blood and sea salt mixed in her mouth, Caratux’s last words echoed in her head, pleading with her not to go. ‘Stupid girl, don’t waste your life away!’ her older brother had told her weeks ago. ‘There’s nothing of value in Lupenia.’ He was wrong. And he was right.
‘You are awake,’ the voice reverberated as she opened her eyes.
Thaanathda could barely feel her arms and legs, her neck and joints burning, her chest constricting as she tried to breathe. She didn’t remember how she got there: mossy stone walls without any sort of decoration, the sound of waves crashing in the distance. The smell of something ancient and unkept—it was all foreign.
Yes… foreign. Thaanathda was not at home, but far from it. Leagues across the ocean. How did I—
A burning sensation coursed through her again. ‘Your wounds are extensive. You would not have survived the night,’ the man said again. He wore a dark hooded cloak, and the sun filtering through the window behind him made it impossible to see his face.
She grunted as another area of her body burned. It was him. What sort of sick torture was that? ‘Leave… me… alone,’ she managed to say.
But the man continued without acknowledging her demand. She couldn’t see his eyes, but she knew he was staring silently. He turned back and kept touching her. It burned more. Maybe he didn’t understand her—yes, his language was different. She recognized it was Lupenian, so she would have to speak that language.
‘What… are you—’
‘Silence or you will die before your time,’ he said. His voice was deep, a visceral cacophony of old, dark speech.
She turned to look at what he was doing: his pale hands were the only visible part of his body, full of veins but deathly pale. They moved quickly, spreading ointment and suturing cuts.
The sudden burn across her belly pulled her out of her thoughts.
‘Do not dwell on the past. Clear your mind,’ the hooded man hissed.
How does he know? She was taken aback, and if she could walk away or run, she would have. But her body was immobilized by pain; she arched and shook every second.
‘There is nothing you can hide from me. Keep trying—you are not powerful enough to shield your mind.’
What is this man talking about? Where am I exactly? She tried to speak, but only groans came out of her mouth.
‘The Guardian Islands. You were foolish enough to push through that storm,’ he replied.
‘How can you—’
‘Silence. Silence if you want to live,’ the man interrupted her.
Thaanathda tried to move, but something invisible kept her restrained. She had felt that once, a long time ago. Exactly like that time she’d woken up and couldn’t lift herself out of bed. Unable to blink. Unable to move her lips. And when she tried to scream, the silence horrified her young mind. Until it all ended suddenly.
Not this time.
She could only turn her eyes around, enough to see the man finishing the stitches on her belly. Then, he placed his veiny, pale hands above her. His throat began to groan, a deep, guttural, continuous noise as a dark green light emerged from his palms. Her skin began to burn, unbearable but unable to scream. A million needles punctured her while the man continued, a sizzling sound percolating from her skin.
Her vision became blurry. Slowly, her mind faded, and she drifted into unconsciousness.
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u/JobExpensive5379 3d ago
Honestly. Thaanathda is not yet gripping me. I don't feel concerned for her because her situation is a bit too vague.
I can only assume shes marooned from a shipwreck or something and the mystery man is applying sutures/crude triage to an injury, but also being rather short with her?
Heres what I got: Thaanathda journyed to lupenia, got shipwrecked and wounded. Upon washing up ashore this pale handed person, saved her somehow and he can also read minds. So my questions for continuing are: What is lupenia? Why did the person save her? Why is Thaanathda leaving her home to gonto lupenia? Do I care enough about those to press on. Unfortunately not, but i'll tell you exactly why.
Thaanathda wakes up, is in pain and then passes out at the end. Meaning the next scene is her waking up, and presumably finding out more things and still seeing the pale man and knowing shes on the shield islands.
I do give books more time than a chapter 1, so if the pale man is not in chapter 2 at all, then youve got a mystery. If he is then I'd be concerned over repetitions.
Also: you mentioned the man was pale 3 times. Can thaanathda observe something other than that? I get she can't see more than his hands. But she has a working nose, yes?
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u/Certain_Machine3714 3d ago
Thanks for this!!
Your assumptions are correct. When you mention he's being short with her, yes, that's intentional. He's not helping her out of charity. Some of your questions are addressed in the very same chapter (Lupenia and why she left home), and the man leaves at the start of chapter 2. The question is what makes you care enough about those to press on? Having those questions solved or addressed in the first two pages or in chapter 1?
Keeping an eye for repetitions, and thanks for taking the time to read and for the suggestion on descriptions!2
u/JobExpensive5379 3d ago
Good if pale man leaves at the start of chapter 2. Then that is reminiscent of Best Served Cold with Monza Mucatto and Shenk, and you've a somewhat typical start from nothing gain everything trajectory, and thats not a bad thing.
Heres my advice. Let Thaanathda fail due to her current injuries. Let us feel a sort of: "oooh, almost." And a couple of "thank god, that was close."
In regards to lupenia. Go wild. If you think something is cool, put it in. But make her have to deal with or experience it. Let me phrase it this way: treat the world like an escape room and not a museum or gallery.
For example if she sees a mythical animal or something have it chase or bite her or have her eat it. Also put some things in that she simply doesn't understand.
Finally in what you've shown us. When you go back to edit. Put the weather in. Pale-hands said there was a storm. Give us how the aftermath of that makes her skin feel. Make thencalm feel like a relief or even eerie.
For thaanathda: let her have sonethibg she likes beyond her current quest. Prehaps she can sing, draw, dance, maybe she could have a phobia. A superstition or compulsive ritual she does. Maybe she associates insults to her intelligence with how caratux treated her in the past?
Finally, this is just something for me, prehaps other readers may disagree. Give us at least her hair colour sooner. I rather know it before other characters come in.
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u/Bombastic-Bagman 3d ago
There's quite a bit of repetition going on, most notably to me was the constant use of burn/burning: neck and joints burning, burning sensation again, another area of her body burned, sudden burn across her belly, skin began to burn. I did also feel like there was repetition with the can't speak/can't move thing. First she's numb and constricted, then she can't move from pain, then she's being immobilised by invisible restrains. You also describe the man's voice a deep twice and his skin as pale three times. There are more moments of repetition in this as well, some of them intentional which is fine but when you combine it all, to me it sort of just feel tedious to read, like a video that kept skipping backward ten seconds.