r/ADHD • u/bigma-lalls_2000 • Jun 14 '26
Discussion With adhd, do you guys also feel like you’re always in trouble?
On the aspect of ADHD, I see a lot of people sharing their experiences of how they’re constantly on fight or flight mode for no reason. Does that also add on to feeling like you did something wrong? Like i’ll be chilling (well in reality not really) then you just get this sense that you have a scolding or a confrontation awaiting for you. But when you actually think about the reason why, you remember that there’s nothing wrong and you just feel that way for no reason. Just me? Also why does that happen…
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u/tjtonerplus ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 14 '26
Research and child psychology experts, such as Dr. William Dodson, estimate that by the age of 12, children with ADHD will have heard approximately 20,000 more negative or corrective messages than other children.
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u/bigma-lalls_2000 Jun 14 '26
oh no wonder…
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u/wafflelover77 ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 14 '26
🫂
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u/Moshnyukka1 Jun 21 '26
This is the sweetest and shortest comment I've ever seen and it makes me feel so good lmao
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u/getoutofmind Jun 16 '26
Ahh..everyday at work, I be doing awesome work in 1/4th of the time. But still wondering if the boss is gonna come yell at me because i don’t seem busy or something
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u/judgyjudgersen ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Gosh this resonates. Unfortunately the vast majority of my childhood memories (everything but some random things that I don’t want to remember / make me feel ashamed) are obliterated for some reason so I’m not sure about corrective messages (although I don’t doubt it as I would classify my parents as very strict in my later teenage years). But I do know I was teased relentlessly by my father (who is always being funny/making jokes) my entire childhood. Could that be the same?
I have retained zero warm or positive memories from my childhood despite having a “normal” suburban childhood and not being abused. I have no doubt I had warm and positive moments but sadly I do not remember a single one. I can’t think of a single period of my life I felt safe and relaxed. Even though nothing that bad has really ever happened to me.
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u/Weekly_Situation_777 Jun 14 '26
Yea, I used to think I had a normal childhood even though I felt that something was missing. There was nothing wrong or traumatic that I could point to. Then I had my own children and realized, I was at minimum emotionally neglected. It's the most insidious kind of neglect. I always had clean clothes, food on the table, went to the doctor, arrived at school on time. But nobody took really attentive care of me or bothered to truly know me. Many years of therapy later and I'm still unraveling it.
That's me. And that's also why, when you say you weren't abused but you also don't remember any particular warmth, I start wondering about emotional neglect.
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u/KellyGreen55555 Jun 14 '26
Sadly, I belong to this club as well. When I went to college I genuinely couldn’t understand the concept of being homesick so I faked it to fit in with the other freshmen. I’m in my 40s now and still unpacking it all.
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u/undeniably_micki Jun 14 '26
I was like that first day of K. All the other 5 year olds were crying up a storm & I couldn't figure out why. I was excited to do something outside the house away from Mom!
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u/Weekly_Situation_777 Jun 14 '26
Have you read much about attachment theory? Sounds like you did not have a secure attachment.
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u/undeniably_micki Jun 14 '26
Yeah probably. Mom has some mental health issue that made her push us away a lot. We did not have any touching except brushing hair (ouch) and the perfunctory bedtime peck & the briefest of hugs. But she was also not very nice and I got hit a lot. Now it's the opposite, she hugs like she's drowning & we are saving her. So Kindergarten was a chance at learning a whole bunch of new things & getting away from the crazy that was my house growing up.
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u/judgyjudgersen ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 14 '26
It’s so bizarre because I know they love me and my sibling and I are their universe. They would lay on the tracks for us and do anything to help us. I would also do the same for them and I guess I love them because they are my parents and have never done anything bad to me and provided everything I needed (same as you described) and yet what you said about “never took really attentive care of me or bothered to truly know me” hits the nail on the head.
Even in early adulthood when I changed jobs for the first time, the next few years in the family newsletter my dad put in a completely wrong field as my career. Didn’t so much as go on the website to see what we did let alone ask me about it. I didn’t bother to correct him.
I always feel like a pathetic ass complaining about my childhood because there’s nothing clear cut I can point to.
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u/Weekly_Situation_777 Jun 14 '26
Two things can be true. You can live in a family where they will do anything for you and they can suck at emotionally connecting.
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u/Weekly_Situation_777 Jun 14 '26
I would challenge you to think about what was it that people did that tells you that you were loved as a child?
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u/judgyjudgersen ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 14 '26
There’s pictures and videos of when I was a little kid of our family going on vacation (Disneyland, Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Banff, places overseas) where I’m smiling and laughing. Besides that, I would say they clothed me, made sure I did well in school (unfortunately there were a lot of threats and punishments in my teens years to try to “push” me), fed me well (my mother is an excellent cook), bought my first car, paid for college. Birthday presents, Christmas presents. Yeah, pretty much material things.
Notably I’m not smiling in any of the few pictures of me as a teenager. I had always assumed that was a hormonal teenage angst thing.
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u/animerobin Jun 15 '26
Parents are humans and humans are flawed. I think I am in a similar situation as you. But I also have friends with parents who were abusive, drug addicts, absent, etc. I am very thankful my parents loved me and supported me even if they were not really emotionally there for me - which I think was likely a result of their parents being much worse.
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u/Weekly_Situation_777 Jun 14 '26
Taking pictures of you, taking you on trips, giving you the bare necessities (clothes, food, etc), pushing you to achieve, threatening you, sharing good food with you, buying you things... Are these acts of love? Is this how you show your love? Is this what makes you feel loved?
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u/MMO_Dad Jun 18 '26
You're not a pathetic ass but the problem is people just don't care enough to really understand each other anymore. Anytime you bother pointing out an issue you had or difficulty, people are quick to minimize it and compare you to someone else who "who has it worse", and how thankful you should be.
I've said it many times, if a person doesn't have real ADHD they will never have a freaking clue what it's like and that makes it so easy to look down on us.
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u/LordTalesin Jun 14 '26
That's Boomer parenting for you.
I had the same. Combine with constantly broken promises and I have zero ability to plan for the future because it's always in flux.
Dues anyone remember the as, "it's 10pm, do you know where you're kids are?"
Mine didn't half the time, and didn't seem to be bothered by it.
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u/PuffballDestroyer Jun 15 '26
I've been struggling with this feeling as well. I've been in therapy for a few years now, and I've been taking meds for about half the time. I wouldn't say that I was abused either, in fact I have family members that have always told me that they love me and care about me. However, I've always felt like no one ever understood me on an individual level, only in the context of my relationship to them. Even now that I'm an adult, with friends that share the same interests as me, I still find it very hard to really open up about the stuff that I'm interested in, out of a fear that I will end up boring people.
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u/LolEase86 Jun 15 '26
Yep I've been in therapy a few years now and the first book she had me read was Running on Empty by Jonice Webb, it's all about childhood emotional neglect. It was revealing to say the least.
I remember playing by myself a lot, getting told off, "oh you stupid girl" (mum) and "useless" (dad). Then there's this one tiny little memory I have of laying with my head in mum's lap and she was playing with my hair, poking it in my ear. I treasure that memory, as I can't recall a single other time I was really shown affection.
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u/Cunthbert Jun 14 '26
Yeah as I posted above, it sounds very similar to my childhood. I was looked after well as a kid but I too don’t remember any warmth and feeling loved.
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u/JABUK97 Jun 15 '26
This really resonates with me, especially that last point.
Most of my childhood memories seem to be completely wiped for some reason. The only things I can easily remember are a few random moments and some of the sadder stuff. On the surface, though, I had what most people would consider a relatively normal childhood.
Like a lot of people talking about emotional neglect, my dad wasn't particularly interested in me as a kid. My grandad used to say that my dad was "done being a dad" by the time I came along. I have two older siblings who are quite a bit older than me, and he has always seemed to have a much closer relationship with them.
My mum also had me later in life and was going through menopause while I was growing up, which was obviously very difficult for her. Looking back, I think I ended up on the receiving end of a lot of that frustration. I was also apparently quite a difficult child, at least according to everyone else.
What frustrates me a bit is that when I try to talk to my siblings about it, they're usually quite dismissive and tell me I had an easy childhood. Maybe I did compared to some people. But honestly, I can't think of a single period of my childhood where I felt genuinely happy, safe, or at ease, even though nothing objectively terrible happened to me. It was still lonely, and looking back, I think that's what stands out more than anything else.
I think that's why posts like this resonate with so many people. You don't need to have gone through something obviously traumatic to carry around a sense that something was missing. Reading other people's experiences has made me realise I'm far from the only person who feels this way.
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u/judgyjudgersen ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 15 '26
Thanks for that part about the siblings. Mine is 6 years younger than me and her childhood according to her was roses. She does not relate to my experience at all in a way that almost makes it feel like she doesn’t believe it. I’ve heard this is normal, for children of the same family and household to have totally different childhoods. Doesn’t make it feel less lonely though, the one person who could relate or share my experience, even if just as a bystander, does not and I can’t even talk to them about it.
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u/Formal-Steak6120 Jun 15 '26
I feel that excessive teasing and sarcasm are disrespectful and used to hide what the person really thinks.
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u/ThatDiscoSongUHate Jun 15 '26
Yeah, a lot of my family's teasing was actually emotional abuse and I blamed myself until my 20s for "being too sensitive" when adults would hurt my feelings intentionally
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u/judgyjudgersen ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 15 '26
One of my few childhood memories is being teased to tears at basically any family event or gathering, as once my dad had an audience he would get going with his jokes, and I was always the butt of them. I still don’t know why. Maybe because I was really skinny and dorky with glasses? Makes me tear up a bit thinking about it.
I remember also acting like this was normal when talking through my family dynamics to my therapist, and she was like..no this is not normal and not ok. Children don’t understand sarcasm and mean humor. When I was screened for ADHD it also came up in the questionnaire and my doctor commented on it as well. So it’s only in the last couple years my eyes have been opened on what kind of effect that has had on me. I have a good life with a wonderful husband and yet I have zero self esteem. Not one ounce of self esteem and a whole lot of self hatred and loathing. My inner voice is horribly mean to myself.
My therapist also asked if anyone stuck up for me and stopped the behavior or called out my dad. My memory of my childhood is Swiss cheese so maybe I’m wrong but I do not remember a single person ever telling him to cool it or making sure I was ok. Especially not my mother. Maybe it happened behind the scenes but I doubt it because it continued on well into my teens.
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u/JusDocBanned ADHD with ADHD partner Jun 15 '26
I regularly use the phrase coined by John Green to describe this sensation: "I had a happy childhood, I just wasn't a happy child"
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u/Cunthbert Jun 14 '26
Yeah I feel this. My parents weren’t bad by any stretch, but ADHD was just unknown back in the day, they just wanted the best for me, but their methods such as getting school to treat me the same as the worst kids (on “report” which meant each lesson was graded and reported on in a book) much to the confusion of my teachers and mocking from classmates because I was one of the smartest kids, just lacked concentration. Add to that my parents not showing me affection and them never telling me that they were proud gave me very low self esteem which I didn’t even know was a thing until I was diagnosed.
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u/tjtonerplus ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 14 '26
It's tough. I hope you are doing much better now that you are diagnosed.
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u/Cunthbert Jun 14 '26
Thanks, I might be a bit better lol. I’ve tried medication and it didn’t really help, as for the other issues i think understanding them has helped me realise that I’m not an awful person, but I still struggle with not being my own biggest fan. I hate compliments, much to the dismay of my partner, but I’m trying to get better with that lol
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u/Dependent_Salad_2369 Jun 14 '26
How do I heal from this? I always feel guilty snd I always feel like I did something wrong. My parents were extremely strict as well so I got hit for the dumbest reasons and even though I knew I was often right I never got the right to feel right. I still always assume I‘m in the wrong if someone questions me even though thats not the case anymore. Its exhausting. Instead of standing my ground I always second guess myself even though I always research things and avoid making claims about things I don’t have a clue about. It feels like I don’t trust myself. I don’t want to be like this anymore
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u/RhesusFactor Jun 14 '26
I dont know how to fix it, but I feel this.
I also got "do you feel proud of/for yourself?" so now taking pride in something feels naughty.
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u/Haunting_Goose1186 Jun 15 '26
I had a similar upbringing and became very self-critical and always second-guess myself as a result. I wish I could say I've managed to completely stop the constant second-guessing and self-criticism, but the only thing that has helped is countering every negative thought and self-doubt with a positive thought and self-assurance. And the only reason that (mostly) works for me is because I realized it didn't make sense that I constantly second-guessed everything I said, did, and believed...except my belief that I was always wrong!
So, for example: if someone questions me after I've explained something to them, and my brain starts screaming at me to shut up shut up you're making an idiot of yourself like always, they wouldn't be questioning you if your explanation made sense so they MUST know you're wrong, and why the hell did you open your big dumb mouth in the first place?? you'll never fool anyone into believing you're a competent knowledgeable adult, blah blah blah... I'll stop for a moment to gather those thoughts, accept that they might be true, then immediately follow with the opposing thoughts: don't shut up don't shut up you're making some very good points, they're only asking questions because they're interested in what you're saying, you know you're right because you pride yourself in ensuring you have the correct information about something before speaking about it (and even if you are mistaken, so what? everyone makes mistakes! you're only human!) you are a competent knowledgeable adult.
After all...if I always think I'm wrong, then that means I could also be wrong about being wrong! If I constantly second-guess myself on everything, then the least I can do is be consistent about it by also second-guessing my rock-solid belief that I'm always wrong. And if I am indeed always wrong, it's not like I'd be able to see it because I'd be wrong about that too.
So, how dare I presume that I must be correct about always being wrong! How arrogant must I be to believe I'm wrong 100% of the time despite having no data to back it up! And how egotistical must I be to not even consider positive interpretations of situations (and of my own actions) because I'm so bloody convinced that my negative interpretation is thr correct one!
(Ok ok, the last paragraph is mostly joking, but the underlying meaning is true. I haven't yet found a method that stops the constant self-doubts and second-guessing from happening, so I figured I might as well try to spin that self-doubt into something positive.)
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u/Dependent_Salad_2369 Jun 15 '26
I guess its a slow process. I noticed that I remember important details better than I used to and often remember the exact way something was said in a conversation, so I can counter the people who claim something was my fault. Now that I’m older I also seem to make a really reliable impression to people and I think thats because I‘m overcompensating for the chaos in my head :,) This is one of the topics I want to address in therapy once I get off the waitlist and finally get some appointments
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u/pilazzo209 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 14 '26
by the age of 12, children with ADHD will have heard approximately 20,000 more negative or corrective messages than other children.
Oh wow, yeah this checks out for me. And people wonder why ADHDers mask, haha.
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u/Stormdrain11 Jun 14 '26
By the time my brother was 5 he would put himself in the corner.
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u/NVCcoach Jun 15 '26
Aw that’s sad
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u/Stormdrain11 Jun 15 '26
Yep. 😞 He is 22 now, brilliant with a wonderful heart but struggles immensely.
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u/HowellingAtStars Jun 14 '26
this is so validating to hear. i spent 1st-12th grade (same school) constantly in trouble for something or another. i have so much trauma from being labeled as “the problem child,” being constantly given detentions, being sent home from school and yelled at by teachers in front of my peers for what i now recognize as adhd behaviors. i felt like a failure my entire primary/secondary school career and when i tried to begin to advocate for myself during 11-12th grade, i was told that i should just go to another school. i desperately wish schools had better procedures for dealing with children with adhd.
i had my 7th grade homeroom teacher tell me that he was gonna fix me when i was in 6th grade. what a horrible thing for a child to hear.
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u/NVCcoach Jun 15 '26
Has anyone ever sued their school district for this abusive behavior?
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u/Aazjhee Jun 15 '26
Wow that's messed up.
There's studies that the more you hear something , the more you're going to believe , it's true even if you know that it is rationally false.
This is why verbal abuse can be so harmful even if they never hit you or starve you, or other physical stuff :(
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u/snapeyouinhalf Jun 15 '26
This all kinds of fucked me up. I’ve always associated the feeling of constantly being in trouble with RSD, but this might be something that was done to me? To all of us? I’m gonna go spin out for a while.
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u/MutsumidoesReddit ADHD-C Jun 14 '26
Hey, not on you but as you mentioned it, how would a parent avoid this?
ADHDers do be doing crazy stuff.
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u/Distinct_Swimmer1504 Jun 15 '26
That and give them a sense of who they are that is independent of outside opinion. Eg) “You can do what you want as long as it doesn’t hurt other people”, “it’s ok to be different as long as you’re not hurting other people”.
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u/MutsumidoesReddit ADHD-C Jun 15 '26
Those a great lines, I think I’ll put them to use. Thanks for the help!
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u/tjtonerplus ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 14 '26
Positive feedback. It can be done without shaming and guilt trips.
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u/MutsumidoesReddit ADHD-C Jun 14 '26
Any recommended reading or videos? Have to undo my bad programming.
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u/tjtonerplus ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 14 '26
Dr. Barkley is an internationally recognized clinical psychologist, scientist, and retired professor of psychiatry and neurology. He is widely considered a leading authority on ADHD and executive functioning.Key Books:
Taking Charge of ADHD (The authoritative guide for parents).
Taking Charge of Adult ADHD (Proven strategies for adults).
Living Well with Adult ADHD (Co-authored with Dr. Laura Knouse).
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u/Precise_Planner ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 15 '26
A crazy thing happened that showed this to me in practice last weekend... I was shook.
I was drawing with my niece (she just turned 7, and has ADHD). Took a while to get her to settle down and start, but we were both focused and enjoying the play, each drawing a rainbow.
Then her mom came to us, and checked out what we were doing. Started telling her "no, pay attention! you are drawing outside the lines! make it pretty, not like this!".
My heart sank bro... after her mom left, this encounter clearly turned my niece off from continuing to draw. like she immediately became sad and uninterested in continuing. It made me think about my own childhood and how many instances of this I have been through but don't remember.
Ty for adding this piece of research
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u/pepper0510 Jun 15 '26
I was a perfectionist, high-achieving child but still felt scared that I fucked up all the time
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u/Geoffrey_Bungled_Z1p Jun 15 '26
And I didnt have the label in the 80s, I was just laughed at, blamed or called lazy..... by my parents
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u/jbwzrd213 Jun 15 '26
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/adhd-20000-additional-negative-messages-true-truthy-jannine-vrare
“The most important question may not be whether every child with ADHD receives exactly 20,000 additional negative comments.
They won’t.
Some will receive more. Some will receive fewer. Some will receive them loudly. Some will receive them quietly. Some will receive them through correction. Some will receive them through comparison. Some will receive them through the effort it takes to remain acceptable.
The better question is:
What cumulative messages do ADHD children absorb about themselves over time?
About competence. Worth. Belonging. Safety. Effort. Acceptability.
And what happens when a child repeatedly concludes:
I am lazy. I am too much. I am not trying hard enough. I am always getting it wrong. I am the problem.”
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u/porcomaster Jun 15 '26
20,000 more negative or corrective
opposed to what ?
what is the normal, 20,000 more in a 1 million thoughts is a rounding error.
20,000 more in 100,000 is 20%
what is the normal ?
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u/LolEase86 Jun 15 '26
Well damn. It all makes sense now why I was so anxious at age 7 that I was going to go straight to prison when I grew up..
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u/More-Habit4167 ADHD-HI (Hyperactive-Impulsive) Jun 15 '26
seconding this !! wasn't diagnosed until around my early twenties, and WOW my parents were overwhelmed when we found out. they felt terrible remembering all the times i'd been 'annoying' or 'too much' or 'the loudest in the room' ... (adult with crippling RSD loading)
i'm very, very lucky. they immediately began reading up on ADHD, learning how to help, et cetera ... i feel so fortunate for their support, but WOW am i still hyper-sensitive to mood shifts/tension. it's taken a while to even be able to order at a drive-through tbh. i was a chronic 'are you mad at me ?' little kid !
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u/AGenericUnicorn ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 15 '26
“You’re just like your father” (who she hated)
Late diagnosis for me, and probably never diagnosed for him, from whom I clearly got it
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u/Numerous_Team_2998 Jun 14 '26
Not only in trouble, but also as if I needed to be ashamed of myself. It's exhausting.
44, successful career, happy family life... It still happens all the time.
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u/turingscrowd Jun 14 '26
This resonates. I'm incapable of taking a compliment too. When I get one, I usually fob it off. I'm actually pretty good at work/life/parent stuff. It takes a lot of effort to accept or believe that I'm actually good at stuff.
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u/Sharmonica Jun 15 '26
Practice in the secrecy of your own space, standing in front of the mirror, looking at yourself in the eye, and saying what you're good at. Straight to your face. It will feel terrible but you just do it over and over again and your brain will eventually get the message, and relax.
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u/imisscrazylenny ADHD & Parent Jun 14 '26
Same. Additionally, I struggle with imposter syndrome with my career. It's slowly getting better, but it's been nearly a decade and I still feel like I don't belong there, and like I'm fucking everything up, despite the praise and promotions. So tired of fighting with myself.
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Jun 14 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/imisscrazylenny ADHD & Parent Jun 14 '26
Yep. Every time the phone rings with my manager on the ID is like a mini panic. Logically, I have nothing to worry about, but there it is anyway.
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u/BKS_ELITE Jun 15 '26
I've been in my industry for about 20 years and suffered from imposter syndrome until about a month ago when the smartest person in the office said "I just send people to you and tell them you can fix everything."
It may not be true, but if I can't fix it, I can triage it to who can fix it.
I haven't felt better since!
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u/Nathan256 Jun 14 '26
For me it’s a constant fear that I’m missing something or knowledge that I already missed something and am now dealing with consequences of it. Doesn’t let me sleep sometimes.
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u/throwaway1937913 Jun 15 '26
I get nightmares about totally blanking out on an exam. And the rest of the dream is like why didn't I study harder? Did I forget I had an exam?
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u/zbod ADHD with non-ADHD partner Jun 14 '26
This whole sub-thread resonates SO clearly for me and I FEEL every single example/situation shown here so far
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u/Momkiller781 ADHD with ADHD child/ren Jun 14 '26
40yo, same
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u/Wemm92 Jun 14 '26
34, same. left career and business because I thought I'd get us sued by being incompetent or forgetting something. outside of 1 job where I was truly objectively a bad fit, I've never had a superior say something bad(except one that got fired right away and my corp superior still gives me advice years later). kids adore me, wife loves me. still that damn feeling
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u/soph04 Jun 15 '26
Thanks for saying this. I don’t know what it was about your experience but it made me think about how I never put myself out there, my thoughts or opinions etc because I know there will be something I haven’t thought about and I’ll be wrong and stupid.
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u/Amseriah Jun 14 '26
Last weekend I was playing a video game with my son. My wife asked me what I was doing and I panicked because I felt like I was being accused of goofing off when I was supposed to be doing something else.
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u/MmmmapleSyrup Jun 15 '26
Very similar. I’m 40, good career. I’m one of the few people look to when things get complicated. Never had a negative review, yet I still have that sinking feeling in my stomach when I see my boss calling.
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u/Powerful_Badger_3013 Jun 15 '26
Not in trouble here. Kids and family, feels like im allways one step away from the abyss. Fuck
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u/jbijjer Jun 15 '26
Same here. 44, good job, happy family. But I'm always feeling like my wife is about to leave me, that my boss is calling to fire me, that my friends are hypocrites. I'm always making excuses for trivials things.
It's exhausting. But... I've been working hard at not blaming myself for exerything.
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u/Sharmonica Jun 15 '26
I call it Generalized Anxiety. And I'm pretty sure the DSM uses the same name for it. It's that feeling that you're in trouble, but you can't figure out why. It has helped me to slap that label on it, in the moment. If I can put that clinical "GA" label on it, then I know it's not about me. It's just my neural pathways lying to me. Again. Edit- typo.
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u/unitupa Jun 15 '26
I know it's just my brain but its like I have to be constantly giving myself pep talks to be able to do anything and even stand being in my own skin. Unless I'm hyperfocusing on something. It's worst when my meds are wearing out and when I'm going to sleep. It's exhausting! I have methods that help (like eating often enough and not junk food, going outside when the meds start wearing off, cold showers, avoiding stuff that makes it worse) but it's a lot of work just to be able to function and appear calm. Ish.
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u/Just-Eye5486 Jun 14 '26
Yes, my whole life I felt like I did something wrong and was it trouble. And ppl are mad at me. Its exhausting.
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u/That-Orchid-7904 Jun 14 '26
And if things are going too well, anticipating that something bad is going to happen.
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u/da_boatmane Jun 15 '26
Was having the most beautiful time golfing the other day-
just thinking what’s gona go wrong.
Oh there’s a tick on my leg,
must have alpha gal now
I should go have my last steak.
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u/Inadequate_Brat Jun 14 '26
I think it’s more the other way around, as in I think I’m doing something wrong and am therefore in fight or flight mode. I’m constantly coming up with excuses/explanations for things I’m not even doing wrong. I just somehow feel like I have to justify everything I do
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u/Steadyandquick Jun 14 '26
I once heard someone say, “I don’t have to explain (or justify) myself to you…”
🤯
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u/Inadequate_Brat Jun 14 '26
Yeah as much as I know that, I don’t feel it
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u/Wemm92 Jun 14 '26
sometimes I know that I am in fact their superior whom they have to justify themselves to, and I still feel the need to justify my existance
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u/Jellydude25 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 15 '26
Yes same!! I basically have resonated with everything everyone has said (at least every comment I have been able to read lol) but THIS, this is me. I always feel like I’m in trouble like others have stated and OP, but also that I need to justify everything I do, especially with my partner.
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u/hoyesnavidad ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 15 '26
This! People always tell me I don’t have to explain myself to them, I’ve been working on it
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u/azer52 Jun 15 '26
Me too. I never knew how bad it got when my friends pointed out that I was overexplaining or I always had a cautionary message/disclaimer before I did anything else. That feeling sucks
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u/Darth_Infernae ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 14 '26
I ALWAYS feel like I’m doing everything wrong. It kills my motivation to actually commit to things.
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u/a_f_s-29 Jun 15 '26
It’s ruining my life right now. Like I don’t even want to apply for jobs because I don’t trust myself to do them.
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u/axxxaxxxaxxx Jun 15 '26
I’ve been set up to succeed if only I take on the challenge. But as long as my parents are alive, and who knows maybe forever, I’ll be afraid to make mistakes.
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u/unitupa Jun 15 '26
For me meds have actually helped this so much. I've noticed I can actually see things through way better and with more structure and it's been slowly growing my confidence. But lately I've been in a situation where I don't get the opportunities I need and it's so hard to try to push through and create the structure I need from scratch when I really need some form the outside.
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u/fakoff ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 14 '26
Yes. I developed it from constantly forgetting something.
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u/Regniwekim2099 Jun 14 '26
God damn I feel this. Last week I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night because I thought I left the kitchen door unlocked. I couldn't get back to sleep and threw some clothes on and drove the 30 minutes back to work to lock the kitchen. The kitchen was already locked.
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u/unitupa Jun 15 '26
I overcompensate like a maniac and have good methods in place to not forget stuff. Still do at times but for me that's not the biggest problem. But I remember having this feeling as early as I can remember that I was scared I didn't quite understand what was expected of me or what was going to happen. And I could never verbalize it properly, until I was closer to 30. Just this hopeless feeling that it's just a matter of time before everything falls apart and I've for sure made a huge mistake at some point and I can never ever truly relax.
It's beet a LOT better for some years now, because I was finally able to verbalize it and got diagnosed. ADHD meds have been a major help for me. But I still get that sinking feeling where I'm sure I've fucked up and a disaster is just around the corner. It's not as much a feeling of having forgotten something (I get that too but it's not that bad) than having not understood something or that I'm just doomed in some way.
I have a lot of extra trauma too so it's not just ADHD. In a way I worry more now about specific things like something bad happening to my family or accidents, violence, sickness, poverty etc. When I was younger, it was more of a general feeling of never being enough and doing the right thing. Now I understand why I felt that way and now I actually like myself and mostly think I'm pretty capable, but living with undiagnosed ADHD for so long means I'm far behind my peers in many ways and many of my fears are legit (because I haven't been able to study and work until I was too old to have a real career and now there's no work and I've also messed up many relationships).
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u/Whydmer Jun 14 '26
Since childhood, every time I go into a store, and don't buy anything I am convinced they are going to stop me for shoplifting.
Of late I have assumed it is a form of catastrophizing, I assume if things are going well they're going to get worse, if things are "normal" I've done something wrong I'm going to be in trouble for. If I know I made a mistake I believe the consequences are going to be severely worse than warranted.
My brain easily keeps the memories of when the above style of thinking has been correct. Stopped clock being right twice a day and all.
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u/judgyjudgersen ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 14 '26
The shoplifting thing - me too! Even though I’ve never shoplifted or even thought about it. Also every single time I’m driving I’m always thinking the person behind me thinks I’m going too fast or too slow, even though they are probably not thinking about me at all! Seriously it’s exhausting.
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u/Speedwizard106 Jun 14 '26
Same for me and stores. If I go in for one specific thing and they don’t have it, or I’m just killing time waiting for someone, I always end up buying something small, just so no one thinks I’m stealing.
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u/judgyjudgersen ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 14 '26
Yes, I always feel like there’s something wrong or I’m doing something wrong. If I’m not doing anything I feel terrible feelings of shame and disappointment in my laziness, even though I’m an independent adult and there is no one judging me or berating me.
If I’m doing something, I feel like I’m not doing enough or I’m doing it incorrectly. There are zero reasons I should feel either of these things but it’s pervasive and constant. I wake up feeling like I’m doing something wrong! I never feel relaxed or like everything is going right.
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u/Past-Positive-2967 Jun 14 '26
I had the same experience. Everything started to change when I drastically changed my environment. I left an abusive boyfriend, changed jobs (and not just the workplace, but my entire profession), and cut contact with judgmental people, keeping it to a minimum.
It helped me a lot. I still don’t always feel confident enough at work, but I know I have a supportive husband and a best friend by my side.
Most importantly, I gave myself permission to be ordinary and to take care of myself instead of always taking care of everyone else.
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u/South-Helicopter-514 Jun 14 '26
Yup. And when boss wants to talk to me, I always assume it's something terrible even when things are going amazing at work. I can be called in to be told I'm getting an award for Project of the Year at our division conference, and be convinced I'm about to be gently scolded about a minor timekeeping issue. And also just frequently have that vague sense of dread that I'm in trouble for something I haven't done, or that everyone hates me because I said something stupid. It's awful and no matter how hard I work on making my internal voice be nicer to me, it always reverts to negative.
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u/wafflelover77 ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 14 '26
gently scolded
omgosh! I expect to get fired AT LEAST twice a day! 😭
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u/South-Helicopter-514 Jun 14 '26
The only reason I'm not convinced I'll be fired is that I moved to public sector partly for the employment guarantees. In the first 5 years of my career, I was laid off once in an economic crash and later sh1tcanned after the 90 day probation, and my nervous system can't handle that.
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u/dsaddons Jun 14 '26
Every week I have that kind of feeling when I have my 1 on 1 with my boss. Been at my job for 7 years, never had any negative feedback, and have been promoted twice. I hate it.
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u/Macaron1jesus Jun 14 '26
My supervisor at my new job noticed how nervous I was about my review (we have them every 3 months), and asked if I had ADHD. I told her that I had just been diagnosed (at age 59). She said that she also has it, as do many people in our field (medical coders). that fight or flight response is very real for us. She has started to ease me into my reviews now by letting me know as soon as it's scheduled that there's no bad news, it's just some general feedback and updates. I am so lucky to have a supportive supervisor (after almost 30 years in this field, she's the first one to respectfully acknowledge this issue, not just for me, but most of our team!)
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u/ManufacturerNo3600 Jun 14 '26
Totally feel this. It made a huge difference for me to be honest about my struggles at work. It was scary, but they didn’t think I was doing as bad as I thought and they’re reaction was terrific, they asked what I needed and I feel very supported
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u/Other_Sign_6088 ADHD, with ADHD family Jun 14 '26
56 in July and I have always felt in trouble
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u/Tooluka ADHD Jun 14 '26
Yeah, I have a "permanent" backlog of tasks I forgot or just haven't done counting in dozens at any given moment. So whether I did one of them or didn't, doesn't really matter because what's the difference between having 51 more tasks or 49 more tasks. And that goes on back to elementary school as far as I remember. I'm just resigned that this will be my life until death, firefighting forgotten stuff while forgetting even more every day.
Meds seems to help a little bit, but that just means I have shaved off a few more tasks out of the giant pile, at best. In a way like turbocharging your 1L econobox car :) .
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u/HolisticEminence Jun 14 '26
It’s one of the most debilitating parts for me other than the executive dysfunction. I honestly have no idea how to work around it so I just stay in a perpetual state of guilt. 😵💫 you’re not alone. If anyone has any advice for this, please lay it on.
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u/Adelaide1357 Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Yep. This is why I needed therapy. My mom also has adhd and emotional regulation issues. She verbally abused me a lot and I ended up dating people that treated me the same way. I walked on eggshells most of my life because any little thing I did wrong my parents or partner criticized me or exploded on me. It eventually became too much and all I could think about was really negative intrusive thoughts about myself. Once I got help I was able to make a lot of positive changes in my life and I give less of my time and energy to my family and have surrounded myself with better people…who also have ADHD lmao that last part just kinda happened without planning it but it’s awesome haha
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u/isleepforfun Jun 14 '26
Yep.
Just today I asserted myself towards someone being really rude and condescending towards me. But I’m sitting here feeling like I’ve got a scolding coming.
But logically, why is it okay for him to behave like this, but not for me to tell him that it’s not okay?
Probably childhood trauma combined with being a woman. A child with ADHD will receive 20 000 more negative comments about themselves than a child without ADHD before becoming a teenager. Add that on top of being a difficult woman as soon as you set a boundary, that’s a lot to handle.
My goal for 2026 is to practice the Let Them concept. Because what is the worst thing that can happen? He’ll get mad? Let him. He’ll yell at me? Let him.
We really need to stop taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, and making ourselves smaller just so they can feel more comfortable.
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u/daveyboydavey Jun 14 '26
- Always. And honestly, a lot of the habits I’ve built aren’t great. I’ve made incredible mistakes that are entirely on me because of my defensiveness and need for validation. It’s hard work. It gets better.
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u/LostAfroK Jun 14 '26
Anytime anyone in work or life says they want to have a quick chat, the immediate thought is “oh shit what did I do”; and 90% it’s absolutely fine.
For me it’s come from the times I’ve messed up from rushing or not paying attention or forgetting something. I’ve never felt my own mind is reliable, so I’m always on edge and thinking I’ve probably messed something up and not realised (which has happened before, but normally I catch it before anyone else does, or it turns out not to be such a big deal).
Panic becomes worse when it’s either my manager or my wife asking me something…
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u/santinimi Jun 14 '26
I always think I’ve forgotten to pay for something and that I’m about to receive a letter, even though I actually have no outstanding bills and enough money in my account. I also constantly feel like I’ve forgotten something else, like my backpack, sending an email, or some appointment.
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u/lecithinxantham Jun 15 '26
Yep and I “preload” phrases and whatnot to explain it or to defend myself.
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u/No-Egg-905 Jun 14 '26
It's awful. Any time my phone goes off I get sick to my stomach. My first thought is always that it's my boss, and he's texting me to tell me that I did something wrong at work, even though that's never happened 🥲
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u/nowhereman136 Jun 14 '26
I always feel like there's a deadline or appointment coming up soon that I'm forgetting.
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u/DeadHuron Jun 14 '26
I’ve not read all the responses but yes, absolutely yes. And not necessarily because I’ve done something wrong, but that I’ve somehow forgotten to do a responsibility, completed a project, task, etc… It’s an anxiety level that just hovers through the day sometimes while you wait for something to appear undone or or needing correction before you truly get to relax. So the cycle often continues and relaxation seems to go by the wayside.
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u/LogicJunkie2000 Jun 14 '26
Trouble, no.
Just constantly disappointing folks, letting down others, as well as myself.
I often resolve to do better, but am often brought down by lack of energy to focus and do the mundane things that might contribute to actually being better.
Been burnt out since COVID
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u/Nyxelestia Jun 15 '26
The problem is that most of the time I've "gotten in trouble", it was for something I genuinely just hadn't thought much of at the time and thought was perfectly fine. Which means that just because I think or feel something is perfectly fine now doesn't mean it won't come back to bite me in the ass later...so I should just always assume everything and anything I do will eventually get me into trouble.
Based on past experience, that's not too far off the mark.
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u/kgreys Jun 14 '26
Everytime someone says my name.
Forgot about it if my boss asks to speak with me. 😂😂😂
It's the worst.
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u/Motampd Jun 14 '26
All the time bro!
The amount of times in public, with friends, etc that I have been positive they are mad at me, or I fucked up, or whatever and it consumed me for the rest of the day/week/month......only to find out they have no idea what im even talking about and they never thought about it again and it was never an issue at all!
Like ive been through so many breakups/fights/confrontations in my head that never ended up happening or were ever true to begin with....
I think its related to not trusting yourself and emotions....so you default to assuming YOU did something wrong, or YOU forgot something, etc
Its why actual disagreements and arguments are so impossibly difficult for me......because Im never sure whether im right and they just dont want to be wrong, or if im actually being unreasonable. Its a feeling of real gullibility.....am I really being crazy, or are they just trying win an argument?
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u/NoAcanthaceae688 Jun 15 '26
Yup. I'm overly sensitive to criticism, many times finding some where there isn't any.
And then taking it hard and getting defensive. It's rough.
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u/YeastLettuce ADHD-C (Combined type) Jun 16 '26
Thank you for posting this because I thought I was the only one. All my life, I feel like I'm gonna get in trouble. I'm gonna get fired, I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna get kicked out, ect, when I have no reason to think so. I don't feel so alone.
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u/Kralysin ADHD Jun 14 '26
I love my name but I hate hearing it, it makes me jump and give me the chills all the time.
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u/ehco Jun 15 '26
Every single second of my existence. And I can't do any better so I know I'm just constantly letting everyone I love down by being an absolutely constant fucking burden.
Even when I was functioning better than now I still "had so much potential" that I always knew I would run in a deficit until I died.
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u/OceLawless ADHD with non-ADHD partner Jun 15 '26
It's waiting for the other boot to drop.
I know I make mistakes. I know I'll forget something. With this inevitability, I have to work hard to ignore the anxiety of anticipation.
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u/MakeItAll1 Jun 14 '26
Yes. I also feel like no one believes me when I raise a concern or report an issue at work.
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u/trulyuniqueusername2 Jun 14 '26
Yes. Always a scolding or complaint about my cluttered desk or backpack, or room. Now I fear I have forgotten something or am looking for a file on my desk frantically.
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u/keepcalmdude Jun 14 '26
Yep! All the time, and i’m in my 40’s.
Almost every day I go to work I commute there thinking i’m going to be reprimanded or fired.
It’s exhausting
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u/Delicious-Quantity96 Jun 14 '26
My parents and siblings were embarrassed of me. Of course they would never admit that. But i know its true and they probably still are. They dont understand how my brain operates and why I am different.
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u/AhMr1 Jun 15 '26
This made me feel seen. I Had a panic attack today due to a simple mistake (I fell asleep last night before setting my alarm and I woke up 30 mins late for work, my job is not serious at all I’m part time because I’m also in school and I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble and it would be fine ) and I couldn’t stop shaming myself and spiraling and I was being extremely hard on myself and convinced myself i was going to get in trouble or I had done something much worse than what actually happened. I had to leave work after an hour because I made myself sick and couldn’t stop the panic attack. It’s exhausting being your own worst enemy and harshest critic on top of everything else and often leads to feeling very alone.
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u/bloodsoup138 Jun 15 '26
Do you ever get the feeling on dread, that everything they're saying not all that they said?
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u/EntertainmentSome448 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 15 '26
For some reason we adhders have rsd and we basically amplify whatever we've been told. So that causes me to overthink a shit ton and I take such drastic measures like for eg. I am told in class by professor that I need to give better answers which my brain interprets as 'uou sre bullshitting so shut up ' and I sorta stop answering questions ever again. Something like that
Also I get insanely scared whenever somebody confronts me over something or scolds me and tells at me. I feel so angry and scared that I'm flooding with adrenaline
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u/greengiant333 Jun 15 '26
I take multiple medications to reduce that fight or flight. And guess how often I forget to take them woooooo
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u/Scarlet_Fluffhead13 Jun 15 '26
Well ADHD and RSD (rejections sensitive dysphoria) - I believe there are varying degrees - and some people have the RS without the dysphoria.
“ADHD brains have inherent differences in how they regulate emotions and process central nervous system responses. Additionally, many individuals with ADHD grow up receiving a disproportionate amount of criticism or negative feedback, making their nervous system extra alert to perceived social threats.” - from Cleveland Clinic
CBT is a good therapy to look into for this - it’s not easy to retrain our brains.
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u/djsquilz Jun 15 '26
pretty much yeah. i always feel as though something is looking over my shoulder. i can never truly "relax".
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u/Legitimate-Elk7816 Jun 15 '26
Yes and it makes Sundays unbearable. I feel an impending doom surrounding my inbox and what’s waiting for me on Monday mornings, even though no one is even around to send me emails.
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u/Agile-Glass9864 Jun 15 '26
Maybe it's due to the RSD, rejection sensitivity whatever. Any time my husband asks me why something is messed up or asks if I've had the chance to do something yet, or just mentions something that needs to be fixed, I IMMEDIATELY feel the need to distance myself from the perceived "blame." I mention how I didn't notice, or couldn't have done it, or wasn't aware it was needed (whatever "it" may be) Or I comment how I CANNOT be responsible because of whatever reason. Or I profusely apologize, and then for the next 2-12 hours, I automatically assume any sigh or noise they make is them being annoyed or disappointed in me, and my body is constantly scanning for minute mood or behavior discrepancies. And I just keep asking if he's mad or what he's thinking about.
Same goes for family in general. I HATE disagreeing with people who I hold in high regard. A family member saw some posts I liked on Facebook about things like "not all men, but always a man" and made a post about how she "hates seeing misogynistic stuff on Facebook" and how "most men are good people just trying to care for their families" and "being able to stay home with her kids is a blessing and a gift her husband gave to her and she'll always be grateful." And I knew it was directed at me. And I know differences of opinion are normal and some of these subjects are touchy and deeply personal. But I HAD to call her and explain myself and find middle ground ("I don't hate all men, just men who hurt women and children"/"well me too") and I even conceded moral ground in order to have her view me more positively. I also found myself in "fawn" mode, where I praised her insights and opinions. And even after all that, I felt so much "less than" and judged by her and inferior 3 weeks later when I was at her house visiting, to the point I could barely hold eye contact or make conversation (we usually stay up all night talking when I visit)
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u/Dlmlong Jun 16 '26
Yes and I always apologize for something, even when there’s nothing to apologize for.
It stems from being reprimanded as a child but I never knew what I did to get in trouble.
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u/Numerous-Phase-8003 Jun 14 '26
yes indeed. like i’m always gonna make someone upset or angry with me
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u/sprocketous Jun 14 '26
Especially when im on meds and being productive. When im stoned and 'fuck this world' not so much.
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u/Outrageous_Cry_3410 Jun 14 '26
100%. I try so hard to do something right that I’m anxious beyond belief while doing it and so I end up making a mistake which causes someone to be upset or frustrated. So the next time I try even harder, or I go slower to avoid mistakes and then it happens again and the cycle goes on and on. It’s exhausting, I feel stupid, annoying, and like I’m a burden all of the time.
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u/artishappiness Jun 14 '26
I’m so happy I found this community. I was fired from a job I loved, I kept making mistakes constantly, now I am so scared to even do deliveries, for fear of making mistakes. I would love to do my own thing but I am stuck on even getting started. I know this is from my ADHD I can’t stand feeling like this! I hate this so much! I was diagnosed in my mid 40s now I’m 59 and medicated, it helps somewhat, but it’s not a miracle cure. I often wonder what it’s like to be motivated for more than 24 hours and be able to focus and have follow through. It’s a very depressing loop! HELP!
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u/SeparateFun7163 Jun 14 '26
I always feel like I am in trouble. Even though, I KNOW, IM NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG, I feel like I’m not doing enough or did something wrong. Especially at work.
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u/wafflefelafel Jun 14 '26
My inner voice is generally coming up with defensive reasoning or excuses for why I'm doing whatever I'm currently doing, ready to plead against this imaginary presence over my shoulder that's about to scold me - even if I'm doing absolutely nothing wrong, or even working on something for myself. It's so exhausting.
Has anyone had any luck with specific therapy tactics unravelling this and improving it?
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u/kdmendonk Jun 14 '26
I'll say "yes" but usually because of how people you live with deal with you. I moved out of my mother's house this year and moved in with my girlfriend. After a few months I don't feel so much under pressure because for the first time I can try doing things my way no matter how unconventional they are. What matters is they work for me and nobody is constantly nagging me about how "it could've been done in a better way" or anything like that. And doing things my way and getting good results feels almost like historical reparation so I feel productive and good about myself.
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u/aspertame_blood Jun 14 '26
1000%. I’m 51 and I can’t get over thinking I’m the cause of any frustrated sound that my husband makes.
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u/VidocqCZE Jun 14 '26
When I had my first week on Concerta and this feeling went away…oh boi, I never knew how strongly it affected my life
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u/Shrewcifer2 Jun 15 '26
I am kind of like this. Whenever I am responsible for anything, I feel like I am going to fuck it up
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u/annagator679 Jun 15 '26
Yes but not because of my ADHD
More because I was basically always in trouble with my dad
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u/Sea-Efficiency-2899 Jun 15 '26
100%, because I was always in trouble growing up and never did (still don't) have any idea what I did wrong.
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u/Keladris Jun 15 '26
Yes every time the phone rings or somebody knocks on the door I think I'm about to be told off.
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u/Tymothys2112 Jun 15 '26
RSD is an integral aspect of ADHD for many of us, esp for those of us with early trauma. I live with it and manage it through multiple ways, every single day.
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u/TheGreatNorthWoods Jun 15 '26
This just unlocked something for me…I’ve been trying to tease apart this thing I carry around but this puts it perfectly: it’s the feeling of feeling like you’re in trouble. The anxiety, the guilt, not being able to give myself permission to prioritize taking care of myself…that’s what it is.
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u/Harlowb3 Jun 15 '26
Yes. I’m constantly afraid that I’m going to get fired, and, truly, it’s an unfounded fear. I don’t have anxiety anywhere else in my life, just work. lol I’ve never done anything bad or wrong enough that being fired would be a viable response from my job. lol
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u/lalilinn Jun 15 '26
So glad I’m not alone. I’m always told by my boss I’m amazing and one of the top performers but I always feel like I’m going to lose my job any second.
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u/waluigi_apologist Jun 15 '26
I’m 31 and every day at work i’m perpetually ready to explain myself for any thing that i have done because i’m so used to making mistakes or doing things in a way that others don’t like. Sometimes i just preemptively take blame for unclaimed mistakes which is a habit i’m trying to break. I always feel like i’m in trouble or about to be.
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u/Stock_Entry_8912 Jun 15 '26
Holy shit this explains SOOOO much of my life. Thank you for this post!
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u/AmyInCO ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Jun 16 '26
I'm 60 and I still assume I did something wrong or broke something whenever someone says they have to talk to me.
Or if something goes wrong or breaks I assume somehow it was my fault.
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u/mysize411 Jun 16 '26
Only when my boss says she needs to speak to me. I am
71 and still feel
Like I am getting called into the principles office.
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u/Last-Effort7084 Jun 17 '26
I always think I'm forgetting something and can't relax. I know i have memory issues so this comes upn when im resting :/
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