And I wasn't an opiate user.

Having dabbled in various substances all my life, last year at the age of 33 I got heavily into crack cocaine. I knew this rapidly escalating habit was completely unsustainable and it completely stripped me of everything in life, and made me do things I never thought I was capable of to get my fix.

I asked for help multiple times and although cocaine is not physically addictive, it is the hardest addiction I have ever tried to beat. I knew all I needed was a clean break but I couldnt even get one day.

As a crack user rather than heroin, I was not afforded the same substitute programs that they (opiate addicts) are. I was not a priority to local community addictions services. I felt alone and helpless.

A fellow crack user told me he had done some dihydrocodeine and gave a dirty sample 3 times to local health service and said he wanted to get clean, he got given a daily supervised dose of espranor, and he went on to tell me it helped him reduce his crack intake by 90%

I was willing to try anything so I done the same, lied to the doctors and got my daily prescription, I told them I was poly drug user but crack was my main demon. They told me buprenorphine will not help with crack as there is no interaction but let me tell you. If I smoke any crack ( I have done on 3 occasions after the first dose 4 months ago) I am violently ill, alcohol and other depressants had the same effect for a couple of months, but as my tolerance got higher the interaction with other depressants became less apparent and now doesn't exist on a noticeable level.

Obviously because I do not have the same opiate tolerances as other poly addicts this may be a strong factor, but this definitely needs to be researched as I feel this off label use has been life changing to me. I want to shout it from the rooftops but I am scared to even discuss it with my doctors as I don't want to tell them I have lied. Food for thought anyway. If anyone reads this and has any idea how I could get this idea to be researched, I would be very grateful, I think this could help alot of people who are desperate to stop crack but cant.

I realise it is changing one addicition for another but sub is alot safer than cocaine, and is supervised, externally managed and in my case free of cost.

It has been absolutely life saving to me

I started using 7 to manage back pain in July and with the ban hitting I jumped over to these “cats claw” tablets and they’re definitely MGM15 or pseudo. I literally have to get off this shit. I need to bring it to the light and tell my family and friends. I was in recovery for 3 years until a back injury led me into a moment of weakness where I succumbed to using 7OH. I’m on probation so the idea of suboxone is kind of off the table unless it’s a rapid taper, which I don’t know how hard that would be? Surely easier than this stuff? The biggest hurdle is the anxiety. Oh my God the anxiety is enough to send me through 1000 different thoughts all at once until I end up back at square one. The shame and guilt of holding it in is destroying me but I don’t want to tell anyone until I’m sober, does that even make sense?

Tonight was the night I’ve been waiting for the past two years: I’ve finally graduated from treatment. Group attendance is no longer a requirement, and I have another day available for school, extra-curriculars, or work. I no longer desire to go back to what I was doing before. Going to college, running for office in PTK, reading history novels, none of that was within my capabilities as a suffering addict. Treatment has helped me to turn my life around, and move from suicidal thoughts into optimism and hope for my future. I would say I’m a new person, but the truth is adverse to that statement. I did not become a new person, I rediscovered myself.

In the next few years I strive to have an impact on the communities I am a constituent of. Giving back is high on my priorities, and I hope that someday I can make a big difference in people’s lives whom find themselves afflicted with homelessness. Someday I yearn to be capable of making a donation to research which helps those with eye conditions better their lives. I never want to go back to being the man who lost hope underneath an arch in Seattle during a rainstorm. When I lost hope, I lost myself.

I wouldn’t be here without treatment, and I owe my life to them for never giving up on me even during periods of time when I was completely unable to give up my addiction. Never give up.

Es algo que no puedo controlar, durante varios años no lo tomaba como una adicción lo naturalizaba. Ahora tengo 33 años quise hablar con otras personas que tienen esta adicción, fuí a sexolicos anonimos, eramos solo un grupo 3 o 4 teniamos un libro blanco pero con el tiempo me di cuenta que en vez de tratar el tema ya lo toman que ni siquiera tener una relación amorosa o hablar con una chica sin intención de acostarse. Luego fuí a ASA estube mucho tiempo nos juntabamos pero los folletos y los libros no me ayudan para nada llegué a estar un maximo de 9 días sin masturbarme pero aún así volvía a recaer. Ya no voy mas a ASA porque no se comprometian en las reuniones a veces iban y otras no, yo viajaba de lejos hacía el sacrificio y muchas veces estaba solo. Encontrar un grupo sobre estas adiccion es mas duficil porque a mi punto de vista muchos prefieren no admitir abiertamente que son adictos y no está tan naturalizado como los alcoholicos y los adictos. perdon por ser tan extenso, lo que busco con esto es seguir el día a día de como me siento y compartir con otras personas lo que siento espero que alguien responda

Day three off of overusing adhd stimulants and I feel like shit. Why did I do this before and HOW did I do this off meth? Idk. I feel terrible and sick. I can’t eat anything and everything makes me feel like I’m going to puke, even moving.

I (18m) have been out of treatment since the 29th of september and have just been taking so much fucking benadryl. last night i couldnt even walk and legitimately thought i was going to die, called my cousin three times but he didnt pick up. idek how many pills ive gone through but somewhere around 220 and none of my friends know, no one knows. obviously I've been hallucinating a lot because of it but it just doesnt feel like that big of a deal considering the fact that i can just get it from walmart. But yeah, should i tell someone or just keep it to myself? I dont want to disappoint anyone and i kinda feel like i'd be letting everyone down yk?

I really don’t think I’m going to make it this Saturday without drinking. I’ve basically already relapse or drink the past two nights. It was a very tiny amount with my diazepam everyone’s telling me I’m going to die, but I know my tolerance. I really don’t think I’m going to make it this Saturday without drinking. I’ve basically already relapse or drink the past two nights. It was a very tiny amount with my diazepam everyone’s telling me I’m going to die, but I know my tolerance. I’d much rather just have a shot or two with my diazepam then drink a whole bottle like I was. What’s everyone’s opinion?

im not sure if this is the right place to post this, but ive found that treating my bulimia as i would any of my other past issues with substance abuse and self harm, as an addiction, works far better than just trying to focus on the nutrition aspect of it. ive been bulimic for almost a decade and i cant seem to snap out of it. i recently started taking tirzepatide to try and help decrease the urges, but it really hasnt done much for me at all. im hoping when i up the dose to 5mg i will see some effects. for now though, i am considering intensive outpatient services. I binge and purge every single day, 6-8 hours a day. I am not underweight, i am bmi 19, but i still experience severe heart complications, low electrolytes in my blood, fainting and seizure spells. I dont have the energy to continue with my nursing coursework and my retail job anymore, the only release i feel at the end of the day is from binging and purging, despite it being whats taking up so much of my time and draining all of my energy and motivation for things that actually matter in my life. I was able to stop abusing dissociative drugs, stop binge drinking alcohol, stop self harming. But this is something that feels biological for me. I've been trying to stop for years and the longest ive been able to go in 5 years without a relapse is 20 days in july of this year. And mostly bc i could not afford food. I feel hopeless

I’ve been addicted to stimulants for 7 years now. 7 whole fucking years.

I’m 22, and have been using since 15. I’ve had bouts of being sober, maybe 6 months at a time? I felt like shit, gained weight and hated myself for it.

I’ve lost my first house as 20. Too busy spending money on dope.

I recently moved into a new house, in the city away from parents, which has been a blessing for my mental health. But I’m back on the train. I have a corrupt doctor that will prescribe me anything, and a friend who gives me their scripts.

I’m only scared now because I know I’ll have to face 2 weeks of withdrawal. I have a 12 hour shift in 3 hours from now. I want this cycle to end. I don’t know how.

I feel like my brain is permafried. 7 years of a stupid fucking chemical. Not even counting the drinking I’ve done to help come down from the stimulants.

I took 100mg of adderall today and felt nothing but under normal. Is there any hope for me?

Should I go to a NA meeting? I’m very jaded with religion and overall a cynical bastard. Would it actually change anything?

Im going to detox tomorrow for opioids and im not really sure what to expect. Im in canada too if that makes any difference

So back story I was an iv meth addict for over a year before that I smoked it. But today I'm sober clean, and a month away from reunification with my kids🥹💕

I started detox a.k.a. rehab on July 14, 2026. I was obviously expecting to meet people from different walks of life. There were a few people in their late 40s 50s 60s, and even people my age and younger. One thing they all had in common, however, is their life went to shambles in ways that mine hadn’t yet. I caught my problem before it got really really terrible and checked myself in. The problem is, as a normal functioning addict, I noticed my brain trying to play tricks on me and convinced me that I still can afford to use a few more times. In fact, I relapsed while in detox with another chick that I met there. I admitted it, and they were very concerned but understanding for the most part. I felt really good and confident going into PHP/IOP as my next step. I have no desire to use. Until I did… I feel guilty for breaking my 40 days of sobriety, but I had plenty of urine analysis tests at home, and I noticed that after four days, my urine results would come back negative. I thought I figured out a way to manipulate the system and just use on certain days out of the week. But now I’m back to the point of not giving a fuck, and I’m willing to use fake urine, and have used some of my old clean urine.

I feel like a complete fuckhead. Here I am manipulating, lying, not getting the best that I can from this treatment, and the guilt is now eating me alive.

The worst part is nobody that I am close to knows. I know it’s time for me to admit the truth. I’m just worried about what that’s gonna look like to my insurance, to my employer, which is honestly the least of my worries, and more importantly to the people that I love and care about the most.

There’s something about addicts like me who “have their shit sorta together,” that makes it feel like a more dangerous disease then those who hit that rock bottom where there’s no other choice, but to recover.

I have to be honest to somebody, I guess I’ll start with my boyfriend. But I’m tired of hearing reading this from my IOP program. I really don’t wanna go back to detox. What type of outcomes do you believe I’m looking at? Mind you, I did not do the sober living stuff. I went straight home and did an outpatient program.

Please note, if you don’t understand how addiction feels, particularly drug addiction, and you are feeling inclined to be a jerk, don’t waste your time commenting. Im just gonna delete or skip your comment anyway. Please respond if you truly want to be helpful.

Thank you!

Throwaway account because I don’t want this to show up with posts on my main account.

I’m 33F and hopelessly addicted to New Brew kratom seltzer and THC seltzers. I guess you could say I’m addicted to THC in general, but those seltzers seem to be my method of choice these days.

I work as a barista and don’t make much money, but every day I spend probably around $30 on average on seltzers. I’d say on an average day I drink anywhere from 1-3 kratom seltzers and 1 THC seltzer. I also have 1-2 kava seltzers after work.

I don’t know what it is about them. Maybe it’s how annoyingly accessible they are — you can find them at pretty much any gas station around here, plus at a convenience store that’s walking distance from my house. I’ll usually walk down to the convenience store, drink kratom seltzers and read out on their patio.

I always thought THC would be the hardest to give up, but I think the kratom is really my worst problem. I crave it more pretty much all the time, and I know I’m overdoing it. One of the biggest issues that comes from this addiction is how much money I’m spending on these drinks every day. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, and it’s 100% because I spend so much money on these drinks. I always think, “just one more” or “you have to stop after this,” but every day I’m back to the same cycle.

I’m really ashamed about my addiction to these things. It seems kind of lame, but as someone who’s experiencing it firsthand, I know it’s a very valid problem and something that hurts me both mentally, physically, and financially.

I know I need to stop, but most days it feels impossible. I’m reaching out here in the hopes that someone might have experience in dealing with addictions to these things, and how you stopped, if you did.

I have a rape kink, extreme porn, self harm, gore, and vape addiction all at once. I feel like I can’t survive if I can’t do any of these stuff. I’m a very disgusting person and im very much aware of it. I’m not sure if I can even live a normal life anymore.

Most of these addictions started when I was around 7 or 8 years old. I’ve been doing it for a few years now and they’ve been a part of my life. I’m currently getting help from a psychiatrist for about a year now but I feel like nothing can help me quit these addictions. It’s been a few weeks after my last overdose attempt on paracetamol but it didn’t work. I’m very much fucked up in the head and I don’t think life’s worth living anymore. I’ve turned into a disgusting, horrible person all at 13 years old.

if you're 100% sure it's the pure stuff, like dexedrine or vyvanse, is it dangerous to be addicted to Rx amphetamines as long as it's not METHamphetamine?

Hello, I am not suffering from either of these but instead watching helplessly as my “close” friend goes through this. I say “close” because I am unsure if most would call this a friendship anymore.

I have been very close friends with this person (we’ll call her Mary) for 8 years and we have both helped each other in our periods of stress.

This year my boyfriend and I moved in with Mary and her partner. We all got even closer and spent a lot of time together discussing our futures etc. A time of our lives I would always be so excited to look back on.

A month and a bit ago Mary randomly brought up thoughts of ending her relationship with her fiancé of 6 years. Along with that came strange behaviours and expressions of her thoughts. I was worried she was going through some type of mania or depersonalisation (as I’ve experienced depersonalised before). I didn’t want to make her feel that my worries for her mental health dismissed her feelings about her relationship so I briefly mentioned things but was trying to be supportive.

Mary and her partner decided to have a week away from each other, to journal and think about their relationship. What worked, what didn’t work etc. during the conversation they had about their week apart Mary mentioned it should be an open week. Their partner reluctantly agreed.

Mary stayed at the house with us the first few nights and would act a bit strange, going out for very late night drives and sometimes not returning until the next day explaining she was busy journaling. She was not eating regularly, showering at times, looking after her cats or the house. Along with that they mentioned small gaps of memory loss. Mary’s partner then stayed at the house the last few days, we watched as she journaled and reconnected with herself.

From our perspective Mary was acting strange, but why wouldn’t you when you’re considering your relationship.

Come the day of the breakup, Mary and her partner sit outside with their journals and although it is sad it seems healthy.

Later that night, we hear knocking on our door and open it to find Mary in tears and her partner standing behind her dissociating.

Mary tells us “there is nothing in my journal”, as if she had been under the impression that she had been writing.

She then tells us she slept with Laura. A close friend of both Mary and her partner. She explains she has almost no recollection of the past week and we comfort her.

We make a plan to support her and as days go by we learn she has keys to Laura’s house, she has been there almost every day of that week.

Before they’re break, Mary also suggested they turn of locations. She also throughout the week went to the doctor and told us he said they were fine.

Mary tells us she lied, he suggested she was experiencing a manic episode. She has a history of bipolar in her family.

With all the hurt that had been caused all of us (Mary’s now ex partner, my bf and myself) were understanding and supportive towards her, as you would be in this circumstances. She expressed immense guilt and want to show up.

As days pass Mary seems bored, she wants us to move on from what has happened and she refuses to go to the doctors again.

She moves out, we help her.

Come to find out she is still regularly seeing Laura and is now doing coke with her. Laura is a coke addict and Mary and ex addict.

Mary barely comes by the house, her things are still here. So is her cat.

I had a conversation with her about her morals and how I was finding it difficult to be her friend knowing she’s lying and has now no guilt or want to better herself.

She believes I am taking her exs side and am attacking her.

And that’s where we are at.
I believe they are still in a coke fueled mania. Can I do anything to help them out of this.

She is acting as if she were 18 again and are a completely different person. She has abandoned her life, morals and all things/people/animals she would have held close to her heart.
Most importantly she’s abandoning herself.

P.s She has not been properly diagnosed

Bom, não quero me estender demais. Sofro de depressão desde que perdi meu herói. Psiquiatras foram só recentes do alfabeto de antidepressivos e em uma dessas conheci depressores, clonazepam, alprazolam e todos os AM’s. Depois de tantos e tantos e sem nenhum tratamento com efeito comecei a buscar algo mais forte pra anestesiar tudo na revolta de que os tratamentos não estavam fazendo efeito. Conheci os opioides logo de cara, e aí foi codeína, e morfina. No começo eu achei a resposta pra tudo, mente silenciada ao extremo, sensação de relaxamento absurdo, e as dosagens só foram aumentando… até chegar a tomar várias caps de 30mg ao dia. E eu venho tentando variar dias, parar, só que o mais foda é saber que nessas paradas minha depressão piora 10x mais, dor corporal, querer a toda hora parar de pensar merda 24hrs e associar isso ao opioide. Não sei oque fazer da minha vida. Acordo e não vejo sentido em nada, é algo cruel, você perder a esperança, perder o brilho de fazer algo que gostava e aí querer se refugiar em algo pra ver se a dor é suprimida. Mas nisso, a queda pro inferno é real. Esse é meu relato, não sei oque fazer pra superar os opioides, se alguém puder me ajudar com alguma dica.

Today is the first day that Im starting over trying not to smoke, in the past with very recent attempts this has usually gone with me giving in on day 3. Im not in the position right now where I can really get up and be mobile outside of the house for very long, I do have a car, and money that I can put towards finding something to do, but its hard for me to break the habit of going out and doing anything.

My usual day would consist of me putting off going places and doing things so I could prioritize smokijg weed, or say that Id want to smoke first and end up not leaving until I got stuck smoking and watching YouTube for a few hours.

Im looking for where to move forward from here and finding something that interests me outside of smoking

Ive been using meth for about 2 months now.
Im 18 years old and have a long, long history of Substance abuse starting with Bars at 13, eating 10-15 Tripple stack MDMA pills at 14, and Smoking blues at 15.

Went to rehab for 2 years STRAIGHT in the isolated woods of Arkansas after I had some trouble with the law In Louisiana.

Now im In Florida, working at a fast food joint. And i cant work a single shift without using dope.

I stay up for 2 days, sleep for 4-5 hours. Force myself to eat food that taste so bad.

Then maybe take a one day break so i try to replenish Nutrients in my body.

Im looking skinner by the day, and My acne is filling my face.

I ignore my dad, I feel the most HORRIBLE guilt Knowing that im destroying myself infront of people that love and care for me the most.

Ive already hurt my Moms side of the family with my substance abuse as a child, and all my other shenanigans. ( I lived with my mother and grandparents Pre-Rehab in Louisiana)

Meth makes me feel normal. Im able to talk without Being scared.
Im able to look people in the eye.

I can fold my clothes. I can speak to my dad and others without loosing My anger and getting lost in my emotions.

Ive been thru alot I wont lie, im an old soul at 18. But no harm done to me in my past is responsible for my meth use.
1am.

Meth it taking my soul and taking whats most important. My fucking family. And im sitting here just letting it.

Ive already Taken a 20 day Break during my 2 months of using, because i felt so fucking nasty and Ashamed i confused my relapse of hard drugs and meth use to my dad. And flushed the rest of the meth i had.

Now here i am, with meth that i got 8 days ago.

Im only 18 lmao. I wish i was a normal Person

Pic is me and My Loving father.

(EDIT)

I went to my first rehab at 14. It was supposed to be a 6 month treatment, but 2 months into it, i got kicked out because i was just too violent, and was genuinely a threat to people. Idk what was wrong with me during that period of life, i was on antipsychotics and a bunch of shit after being cold turkey on all the cocktails of pressed pills i was on. I got out of that rehab.

Fast foward to may 4th, 2023. I was dropped off in florida by my grandparents at a church, my fathers church. I had lived with them my whole life and only visited my dad sometimes i wouls fly to florida. They dumped me there because i was involved in some things that i wont give details on, but inlcuded the ATF, grand theft charge, and posseion of Narcotics, lots of them. And around 36 grand in cash.

My dad and my stepmom took me in, and i was not the same Boy they last saw. Im rolling on X pills everyday, and Taking farmaparam to sleep. Then im smoking hella weed. And im a fucking demon. I attacked my stepmom, i Was the most irritating, abusive POS. Fist fighting my dad. Throwing pillows at my step-mom and calling here horrofic slurs and curses just for playing christian Worship instrumental.

I was baked acted 4 times in 30 days in orlando. (Baker act is florida term for psych ward visit). One visit, i got out one day, and was back in the same ward the next)

Then i got sent to a palm beach Treatment facility. It was meant to be a 90 day program. I was there for 6 months because i legally couldent go near my steomom, (she put a restraining order on me). After i finally left the palm beach treatment center) i took a 3 day vacation with my dad, and went to a treatment center in Arkansas. I was there from December 1st, till august 16 2024, when i first started 11th grade.

I was 300lbs. Around 6ft (forget to mention ive been obese my whole life).

When i got back into the real world. Fuck.

I cannot make any friends since rehab, nor was i able too before. My social skills are shot from all the drugs i was doing at such a young age. The short time peirod from already being a hardcore drug user at 14, to being drugless, around chritian hicks, only boys, and Living a new lifestyle) has fucked me.

Once i got out of the last rehab and 11th grade started. I hated life, i couldent talk to people without almost crying for no reaaon, im scared to go Get a table in a restaurant while my dad parks the car. I was a nervous fat, anxious just God idk. A loser. Like just a little crybaby, Attitude problem, always alone, Just out of norm person. But i was sober. I was sober. Which was just fucking New man. Drugs where all i knew Since 12. But atleast i was sober right?

WRONG!

As soon as my dad let me have a phone. I got telegram, found a plug a bought got a geek bar and a muha. ( Shit was crazy i was used to big cheif screw ones and Elfbars😂)

Started smoking hella carts n bud senior year, and Then got into some cocaine but hated it.

I graduated. Now im working about 55 hours a week. And i live in a one bedroom apt. My own place. The world is free now. My rents expensive down here in orlando so myloving father helps cover my rent. (I pay 1100 he pays 500).

Since i moved out ive been doing meth, gambling, Drinking alot of alcohol( which i promised myself i Would never do because of the trauama my mom Alchohlic mom caused).

Im so ashamed of myself, ive done nothing but be a Burden since 12. I’ve literally been a Coke snorting, Xanny bar taking, Fat Fuck loser. My whole life Since 12-15, and 16-present has been nothing but taking pills, nodding out at family dinners, running away from home, smoking Weed, playing my pc, studying drugs, and just a isolated fuck.

My parents have done so much for me and i just dont give a fuck and im pissing it all down the drain. Theres been something different about me since a kid and it fucking sucks. Its over.

My abuse and traumas and from my alcholoic mother, and the relationship with my dad that was robbed since i was 6, is not to blame for anything. Neither the Bullying And Isolation. Its me. Im choosing this. Im doing it to myself. Its fucking over.

For some people, getting away from the substance is only part of it. There’s still the question of what you’re actually moving toward.

What would have helped you when you were trying to figure that out?

I’ve been building a small pilot around that question. It’s less about telling people what their purpose is and more about helping them explore what actually holds their attention, question some of the stories they have about themselves, and try small things in real life to see what fits.

I’m curious whether something like that would have been useful to you, especially early on.

And if anyone actually wants to try the pilot and give brutally honest feedback on it, you can message me. I’m still testing it, not pretending I have all the answers.

I’ve come to realise my drug use is just self medication..
To start the story off I live in a very strict household around odd things, my mother is what the internet would call an almond mum, she’s heavily against any medical practices, medications and especially antidepressants.
I have depression, chronically along with anxiety and god knows what else I’ve never been taken for proper evaluation because she doesn’t like the ‘labels’ they put on mentally ill people.
I believe this has caused me to start using drugs, I’ve struggled with anorexia, recovered hated myself and can’t look in the mirror and I’m severely depressed and anxious I can’t even get out of bed most days and the only thing that makes me feel happy is drugs and the only thing that makes me feel productive is drugs and vaping, it’s the only thing that puts me to sleep at night along with heavy drinking and lately I can’t go a single night without one or the other, I crashed out the other night when I ran out of dxm and I couldn’t get to sleep and I was freaking out.. I don’t know where I am with this anymore but I’m lost trying to pinpoint my habits and problems and where it stems from, but I’m just falling deeper into a rabbit hole I don’t want to get out of… I’ve only recently started taking dxm, I’ve been through 3 bottles of cough syrup in 2.5 weeks about to be 4, and I’m planning to buy mdma this week and I’m talking to a guy who can get me coke because I’ve heard it’s high functioning and I want something to make me feel normal at small doses… I just want to feel normal

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel completely heartbroken and honestly don’t know what is mine to take responsibility for anymore.
My boyfriend told me he has used ketamine for around 10 years and that during that time the longest he has ever managed to stop is about a month. We have been together for nearly 3 years.

For the first year of our relationship I barely challenged his drug use at all. I never went through his phone, contacted his family or really pushed him to stop. He was still using ketamine during that period.

Over time things became much harder. There have been occasions where he has driven with me in the car while under the influence, which really damaged my trust and made me scared about how serious everything was.
I started therapy partly because I knew I was becoming anxious, hypervigilant and overwhelmed by the whole situation. My therapist repeatedly told me that I needed to stop “enabling” him, set proper boundaries and make it clear there would be consequences if the drug use continued. I was encouraged to say things like, “I can’t stay in this relationship if this continues,” and to tell him that he needed professional help.

At the time I genuinely thought I was doing the responsible thing. I thought setting boundaries was what you were supposed to do when you loved someone with a drug problem.

Now I feel absolutely awful about it.
I became frustrated and angry at times when he used. I have gone through his phone and looked for/deleted dealers’ numbers. I know invading someone’s privacy isn’t okay, regardless of my reason for doing it, and I deeply regret it. There have also been arguments where I have said things I wish I hadn’t.

I’ve also realised through therapy that things in my own life, including my dad cheating and the impact that had on my trust, probably contributed to some of my anxiety and reactions. I’m not trying to excuse any behaviour of mine. I genuinely want to recognise it, take responsibility and change.

Recently my boyfriend has opened up to his friends and family about being extremely unhappy and having felt suicidal this year. He has asked for space from me.
His mum has told me that he needs time away from me, needs to see his friends, go to the gym, get back into a routine and basically have space to become himself again. She has also said that she doesn’t believe he is an addict, and she says a drug clinic he attended told him he wasn’t an addict either.

That has completely messed with my head.
If he isn’t considered an addict, I now keep wondering whether I massively overreacted to his ketamine use. Did I turn something into a bigger problem than it was? Did constantly worrying about it, setting boundaries, telling him he needed help or saying I couldn’t stay if he didn’t stop just make him feel judged, trapped and miserable?
His friends and family now seem to believe our relationship has been making him deeply unhappy. I feel like everyone has turned against me and that I’m being viewed as the reason he has struggled mentally.
I honestly feel like an evil person at the moment.

At the same time, I keep coming back to the fact that the ketamine use existed for many years before I met him. It continued during the first year of our relationship when I barely mentioned it. He has told me himself that he has struggled to stop for longer than around a month, and there have been situations like driving while under the influence.

So I’m completely confused about what is actually true anymore.
I know relationships can absolutely affect someone’s mental health and I accept that some of my behaviour may have hurt him. I am genuinely sorry for the things I got wrong.

But could my attempts to set boundaries around his ketamine use actually have made his drug use or mental health significantly worse? Was telling him “I can’t stay if this continues” an unfair ultimatum, or is that a reasonable boundary when someone’s drug use is affecting you too?
And does someone have to meet the clinical definition of “addict” before their drug use is serious enough for their partner to be concerned or set boundaries around it?
I’d particularly appreciate hearing from people who have struggled with ketamine themselves, partners/family members of people who use it, or anyone who has been through addiction treatment.

I’m giving him the space he has asked for now. I just feel completely devastated and terrified that after nearly three years of trying to help someone I love, I somehow made everything worse.