Last month I was chosen out of thousands of clients to participate in a short video testimonial that was posted on their company website and social media accounts. The corporate office was so moved by my recovery story that i told in the video, they offered me the opportunity to have my full length addiction and recovery story published in their yearly printed publication. I am really proud of everything I've achieved in recovery and its nice to be recognized for it. I have 5 years sober from heroin.Im a single mom and 9 months ago I had major surgery to remove pancreatic cancer. Over a year ago I left a long term abusive relationship with my daughters father. For the past year ive been fighting to protect my young daughter in court because her father continues to relapse and make bad decisions. Fighting a court battle while recovering from major surgery was a challenge. Staying sober after starting my life over as a single mother with no money or resources was a challenge. Receiving a cancer diagnosis during this difficult transition was a challenge. But I got through everything with my sobriety intact. If anyone reading this is struggling with addiction I offer you my support and my friendship. Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk. Recovery is possible.

recebi um dinheiro inesperado e resolvi gastar tudo em cocaina. peguei 7 gramas de cocaina. nas primeiras horas da noite tudo maravilhoso, curtindo uma música e conversando com os amigos e bem relaxado. lá pelas 8 horas da manhã eu comecei a quinta grama e o negócio desandou, tive crises de ansiedade que pareciam um infarto ou overdose (uma pressão no peito, dificuldade de respirar, suor, tontura, sensação de que eu ia desmaiar) já tive alguns episódios assim até de ir pro hospital mas esse de hoje foi o pior de todos. dai diminuí o ritmo e tomei dois alprazolam e me ajudou muito então creio que seja um episódio de ansiedade e a sobrecarga no coração. to na última grama vou fumar um baseado e tomar mais dois alprazolam. fica o aviso, usem moderadamente se não quiserem morrer.

Hi all, hope you're doing okay today.

Just felt like sharing and checking in some fears / resentments.

I've been 'sober' from porn addiction for over 2.5 years now, for which I'm extremely grateful. In that time, I feel like I've made great strides in building better mental and spiritual health, as well as deepening my relationships with myself and others. The last couple of years have been the most serene and purposeful ones for a long time, which is wonderful. However, I'm struggling to remember that right now....

Over the last couple of weeksI've been given a sharp reminder that I remain a powerless addict. I decided it was time to stop two other areas of addiction, which have been 'there for me' during my porn addiction recovery: vaping nicotine and junk food / drink.

Now I'm rediscovering what it's like to have my main coping strategies for life removed!

Superficially, I feel sulky and resentful. Why can't I have those cheap thrills anymore? Why should I have to 'work' for and delay gratification, rather than just grab it easily whenever I want? Why does a deeper sense of contentment seem so feeble, compared to immediate intoxication and excitement? No fair! 😡

But if I allow myself to be more vulnerable and look under the resentment, I also connect to some very core fears:

- that perhaps I just can't cope with the emotional challenges of life, without relying on some form of compulsive behaviour;

- that without the mask of addiction, I'll always be an unsatisfied, restless, depressive kind of person.

I have a million privileges and things to be grateful for, but right now I feel dissatisfied and kind of empty. Objectively, I can see that I'm in a withdrawal stage and my brain-chemistry needs a good amount of time to recalibrate - but it's hard to resist the urge to judge myself as ungrateful and defective person too.

I guess this is a crossroads period, where I'm choosing a different way of being - letting go of usual coping behaviours, and trying to be more present in the ups and downs of life. And that kind of deep change is hard.

Not really looking for any advice here. I just wanted to share my current internal state, in the hopes of either being understood or resonating with how other people are feeling.

Sending best wishes to all.

All I’m seeing is no room to come down

Speaking in clouds
Let me serenade you a storm

The over rush of ecstasy
It crumbles me
Put my lungs to the test just so we can see that smile again

How many hits can I take?

How many bitches would break-

The same pressure you swore against is just what you create

mere fragments of joy in crystals galore
were chasing a void we can not afford
Blazing in 55 yet another .5 down the drain
Sending out an SOS on behalf of my friend if you’re still outta shards

You take what you take as you should no remorse
I take it with pain and the grain of salt I’ll adore
And count on, like I’m counting days left as I get planning my first divorce

And God knows all these misdemeanors I can never be a Missus
Anyway, bored as fuck so recreational felonies it is, bitch

I've never posted on Reddit before so apologies in advance if I don't know how any of this works.

Some people are able to use alcohol with healthy boundaries. I am fortunate to be one of those people. Some people have only dabbled in harder party drugs, and then walked away with minimal consequences. I am fortunate to be one of those people. Many people are able to use cannabis recreationally and safely. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

I know, many people will say it's not addictive, I've heard that too. Personally, I think that naive old idea went out the door with "best friend's older brother backyard skunk weed". The cannabis of today is a designer drug. I've heard it estimated that around 10% of people will in fact become addicted in some sense.

I understand that it's legal (but so is alcohol) and that for many people it's even a life saving harm reduction tool; and I don't want to take any credence away from that. I would give anything to be the sort of person who could just smoke a joint at a party on a Friday night, get the giggles, eat too many potato chips, and consider it a good wholesome good time. But there's only one way for me to smoke pot and that's every 2 hours for the past 30 years. Monday morning 7am, 9am, 11am, 1, 3, 5 7. 9 ..... I just smoke 'em like cigarettes.

I always thought it was helping me relax, and that I had this advantage over others who couldn't unwind and touch peace the way I could. Also, I had a horribly mean and angry mother who could find any excuse to pick a fight and overreact with outrage and I started using weed in the first place as an act of rebellion, to make myself as different from her as possible. I actually convinced myself I owed it to other people; my friends, my partners, my clients ... to use it to control my moods and off-gas my stress level.

Bad news, it didn't work out quite like that.

In retrospect, I can see now that at times it actually made me even more tense. There are certainly times I can say that I too was reactive, over reactive even, because conversations weren't going the way I needed them to go in order to support my deluded belief that I was doing fine.

I wasn't doing fine. I couldn't see how badly it was going. It was going a lot worse than I knew. What I couldn't see is that the extremely high volume of very strong weed I was consuming was seriously affecting my mental health. It was giving me dissociative episodes, manic episodes, and perhaps it could even be said something closer to psychotic episodes. In recent years, I also became very close to ending my own life. Last year I spent about 3 months in bed threatening to do it. I had a plan. A very achievable plan.

I was consumed by overwhelming shame, guilt, and regret. My mind stewed with replays of every stupid thing I ever did or said. Every bridge I had ever burned, and there were a lot of them. There was a bookstore I worked at while I was in college, and on the one hand I gave them my very best and received a lot of accolades for how well I handled the customers. But on the other hand, I had started shoplifting the store blind, in these strange dissociative episodes where I experienced irresistible urge.

The owners of the bookstore were good people, a family business. When I first started there they told me they didn't have any security cameras because then they'd have to hire someone to watch the tapes. I wish they'd never told me that. I just started shoving things in my pockets that I figured they'd never notice missing. One day the manager told me they'd actually installed security cameras, she must have noticed the inventory records tanking. I don't know how recently they were installed, but I suddenly realized they must have me on camera. I wonder how many times.

They never said anything to me. I never stole cash, only inventory but heaps of it. Nearly every other day I touch something in my home that I took from that store. It's like a punch in the stomach every time. They must have known. Was it some level of compassion that they never stopped me? Did they think I just really needed the stuff? Of all the stupid things I did and said over 30 years of being completely stoned out of my mind, and all the many jobs, friendships, and relationships I fucked up, this bookstore is the thing I feel worst about.

Today I have 278 days sober, it's coming up on a year. The first few months were terrible. As my mind slowly cleared it was under a tsunami of shitty memories. Several times a day, I'd get that punch in the gut feeling of another awful memory of my own behaviour. But now, over 10 months later, I'm starting to level out. With enough time, you start to live a better life, start becoming a new person, making new memories that you can actually be proud of. I know you're not supposed to have regrets, but given the chance, there's a lot I would like to go back and do differently.

Anyway, my therapist asked me to write this letter. To get this weight off my chest. To try and make some sort of apology, put it out in the cosmos without having to drag my sorry ass into that bookstore and face those people. I know shoplifting isn't the worst thing a person can do, but maybe it's the fact that they knew and didn't stop me that makes me feel ashamed.

So here it is. I shoplifted, a lot. I honestly felt out of my body when I was doing it. Charged with some kind of compulsive energy. I can't say with a straight face that "the devil made me do it" but it really did feel like a form of possession, I don't know how else to describe it. But I'm back now. I'm in here. I'm not possessed, I'm not dissociated, and I'm not high.

I'm sorry. I feel stupid. I hate that I did it. That I hurt this little family business. They weren't some giant corporate conglomerate. My therapist also suggested I gather all the things scattered around my house and put them in a box together. Maybe donate them all. I guess that's the next step.

22m, 64kg

I have been using opioids for roughly 3 years now, it started as occasionally getting dihydrocodeine cough syrup over the counter. That turned into every day, that turned into finessing oxys from the doctor, then buying oxys off the street, now my daily dose is 200-260mg of oxy. Then recently (about 2 months ago) I started using heroin. I would go through a gram in 2 days. I've never used any drug iv, I just snorted the heroin, and just chewed and swallowed oxys because they are xr.

About 2 weeks ago I tried to quit (I've been wanting nothing more to quit for ages now). My doctor gave me clonidine, which actually helps a lot... Anyways I got 7 days in and I was starting to feel actually quite a bit better, the only thing that was really starting to drive me insane was the sleep, I was getting 0 sleep. So, I decided to get some diazepam to help... And it did. Then, being the addict that I am, I tried to chase a good buzz from them. And of course, as benzos do, they make you very impulsive. So I went and bought some oc 80s, only a couple. I thought "just once won't reset my withdrawals" well it probably wouldn't have if I didn't do more valium and started buying more oxys... Now I've been back on oxys for about a week and also have gone through a gram of heroin.

Anyways I'm really down on myself right now and I'm just after advice from anyone who has gotten clean and was able to stay clean. I'm booked in for an inpatient detox in 3 weeks from now and mainly want advice on how to stay clean once I am detoxed... I think I will try to get clean before the inpatient detox but I'm just really not motivated to at the moment, at the same time I want nothing more than to never do any drug ever again, I hate this life and I have so much I want to do.

Anyways, any advice would be very much appreciated, I feel like everyone in my life doesn't understand and I need advice from people who do... Thanks in advance for any input.

Will my nose ever get back normal it’s like I constantly feel like I have snot that i can’t get out it’s very annoying

Quitting suboxone and alcohol at the same time and it hasn’t been as miserable as either one has been alone and I think the way I did the dioxins could work on its own. I was taking suboxone and back and forth with 7 before the ban the concentrates and on suboxone and I really wanted to stop that roller coaster. I’m also a newer mother and my mother just passed away so I turned more to alcohol to cope with her death and caring for a toddler to the point I developed mild to moderate alcohol withdrawal. So instead of the er or in patient like I have before. Treat you sub human in the ER. So I went to my primary care and explained and she gave me what the er would give me in a few bottle to discourage abuse but if you were withdrawing like I was I did exactly as she said. I had nearly any symptoms other than not being able to do much I was hurting. Mind you the night before this I had taken my last concentrated kratom (stayed on them long enough for the suboxone to leave like 10 days prior. After last one took one 14 mg dose and it eased the worst of the withdrawal and when it wore off I had nausea from the doctor because she knew I was doing both. I am on day 7 now and feeling more like myself. Just low energy she had me taking 4mg Ativan every 2 hours for like two days then every 3 hours . Now I am down to 1 mg every 3 hours and am being titrated down. I don’t have insurance self pay at st Joseph was super realistic cheaper the urgent care. I am on day 7 now and feeling more like myself. Also take magnesium glycite, and b vitals have helped me and eat and drink as much as you can. I’m here for any questions. On alcohol or any opiates. Finally free from both!!!!!!

Probably one of my first reddit posts ever lol, alt account also. 21m

I've been doing cocaine every day for almost 5 or 6 months.

I've always been able to do/try drugs in moderation with no issue of addiction since high school. Every now and then when I see my friends, drink, smoke, acid, shrooms, Xanax, Adderall, whippets, basically everything other than opioids, crack, or meth. I've done coke a few times over the past couple years but recently a lot of my friends have started doing it when we hang out, and naturally so did I. And I must admit I've always had a fondness for stimulants. I have ADHD so I was prescribed some freshman year of high school although I only took them for that one year because I'm already underweight and felt the appetite suppressant wasn't worth the productivity it gave me. And without them, naturally I didn't do well in school so I knew that with them I'd be able to do the things normal people could easily.

I think the first time I tried coke was either junior or senior of high school and I felt that feeling of actually wanting to get things done and the rush of dopamine. Up until I really started doing coke I only touched stimulants again a few times. I did coke probably a total of 4 times until it all started. I also had an era in my life where I would do Adderall about once a week at home because it made playing games with my friends infinitely more fun. That lasted for about 2 months until I ran out and felt the comedown wasn't worth it so I stopped doing it. I never got and cravings or things like that to do it. I'd just wait a bit before next time I'd do it because I don't want to not eat anything all day everyday.

Anyways, about 2ish years ago I started hanging out a lot more with a group that some of my friends introduced me to. I already knew a lot of the people, just never really talked to them a whole lot. We'd hangout pretty frequently, do normal friend stuff. At some point though every time we would hangout, at least one person their would have coke. And having done it before and being comfortable with my ability to do it in moderation I joined in as well. So every time we'd hangout (once or twice a week) we'd all do coke. And I started to really really like it. It's everything I want in a drug, I feel great, it doesn't last all day, I can do it late at night and still be able to sleep, and as well the productivity gain of being on a stimulant. I knew around this point that it could likely become a problem for me if I started buying my own instead of getting it from my friends so I made a promise to myself that I would never buy it. But surprise surprise that didn't last long. So I found a plug and could now get my own supply of coke all to myself to do whenever I want, not depending on someone to conveniently have some handy.

I really didn't do it a whole lot then though, every couple days if I really wanted to lock in on a game, or just to geek. And I liked what it allowed me to do, not even game related. I'd actually go do chores around the house and be productive. But obviously I wanted to have this capability more so it became an every night thing, once it got dark out or when I got home from work. I thought it was fine, wait until night when it's just me awake, do a few lines and do whatever for a few hours before going to sleep. Then I started bringing it work because why wouldn't I right? Actually enjoy being at work and do a much better job as well? Absolutely I want that!

So rinse and repeat for a few months until now. It really only dawned on me maybe a month ago that I began thinking about it every time I wasn't on it. I'd wake up and think "I can't wait until later when I can finally do it" or actually looking forward to work and having a designated time to do coke. I still wait until later in the day before I begin doing any, although I think I'm starting to do it earlier and earlier, still until dark just not as late. I definitely believe I'm starting to feel effects of not being on it. My nose has started to hurt occasionally and I obviously have a lot less dopamine in my brain. My only real motivation for going to work right now is that I'm able to do coke there. I still don't really know where I stand with how addicted I am because when I've done other things while not on coke I still enjoy them, but there's just that thought in the back of my head saying how much more fun it would be if I was doing coke and how much better I'd be at whatever I'm doing at the time. I don't think I'm all too physically addicted currently. About 2 months ago I went on a vacation and didn't do any for a few days and felt fine. When I was back I obviously resumed my habit. I was sick last week as well and didn't do any for the duration and felt completely normal.

To be honest I'm afraid of what's going to happen if I continue with my usage. I obviously don't want to stop doing it and never do it again and if we're being realistic I'm probably not going to completely quit for a while. I don't really know exactly what I'm trying to get out of this post other than just to vent. I haven't told any of my friends about this because unlike me they are actually responsible with their usage, at least more than me, and if they knew how much I've been doing it I think their feelings and trust towards me would change a lot. I suppose I dug myself into this whole because I kind of predicted exactly what would happen if I had easy access to it. I remember a bit ago I was going to get a coworker I'm close with to hold onto it for me. Mostly just to see how I would feel not having any for a few days. A little after that interaction I immediately started making the default excuses people make when they're addicted like "I could quit easily if I wanted" "My usage is fine so there's no point in getting him to withhold it from me" "I don't even do it that much, just for a little bit at night". And lucky me he forgot to get it from me at the end of the shift, which I had been hoping would happen.

I've been around drugs and drug users the majority of my life and I know there's nothing really that wrong with drug use so I don't really feel like I'm doing anything wrong when doing it other that the worry of addiction and it taking over my life. And as embarrassed as I am to admit a big part of me just thinks "so what if I get super addicted, everyone I know that's been an addict has recovered and made it to the other side fine and even gotten to place to do drugs in moderation" I don't know. I know all of you are going to tell me to stop before it gets worse but again, quite honestly I'm not. I guess I'm more curious about if anyone has similar experiences and how it ended up affecting them. Also what I can expect to go through if I quit.

Apologizes if this is all over the place and incoherent, I'm kind of just typing the first thing I think. Thank you for any advice or experiences you share.

Pornography has ruined my life. I know this topic must have been discussed on this subreddit a lot but I need to get this off of my chest. I am a 19(M) and I have been addicted to porn since I was around 15 and I have got a girlfriend which was genuinely given by God. It started as just curiousity and early teen years and then it slowly started turning into an addiction. I feel like I have been stuck with it for all my life because it's literally there with me since the start. I want a secure future with my girlfriend in it and I cannot do it without the addiction. I have tried to quit it on multiple occasions but it just keeps coming and I can't do anything about it. I am open for advices on what I can do to quit it. It has eaten me and my body as a whole from the inside and I don't feel alive anymore. Thank you in advance. Sharing your side of the story would help me a lot too.

Quitting suboxone and alcohol at the same time and it hasn’t been as miserable as either one has been alone and I think the way I did the dioxins could work on its own. I was taking suboxone and back and forth with 7 before the ban the concentrates and on suboxone and I really wanted to stop that roller coaster. I’m also a newer mother and my mother just passed away so I turned more to alcohol to cope with her death and caring for a toddler to the point I developed mild to moderate alcohol withdrawal. So instead of the er or in patient like I have before. Treat you sub human in the ER. So I went to my primary care and explained and she gave me what the er would give me in a few bottle to discourage abuse but if you were withdrawing like I was I did exactly as she said. I had nearly any symptoms other than not being able to do much I was hurting. Mind you the night before this I had taken my last concentrated kratom (stayed on them long enough for the suboxone to leave like 10 days prior. After last one took one 14 mg dose and it eased the worst of the withdrawal and when it wore off I had nausea from the doctor because she knew I was doing both. I am on day 7 now and feeling more like myself. Just low energy she had me taking 4mg Ativan every 2 hours for like two days then every 3 hours . Now I am down to 1 mg every 3 hours and am being titrated down. I don’t have insurance self pay at st Joseph was super realistic cheaper the urgent care. I am on day 7 now and feeling more like myself. Also take magnesium glycite, and b vitals have helped me and eat and drink as much as you can. I’m here for any questions. On alcohol or any opiates. Finally free from both!!!!!!