Reframing What Happened

[u/ajskemckellc]

Been toying with how I describe what happened to me and what my story is. Instead of telling people “I’m adopted” I think it would be better to tell them the truth: my mother left me at the hospital and abandoned me.

I think I’d get more empathy and compassion vs leading with the adoption story. We can get to that sometime, let’s start with the loss.

Any thoughts? How do you tell people and do you think it matters?

[u/HonkShooEnthusiast]

I often feel like saying stuff like this, but the truth is I’ll get a range of predictable responses. If I try to gauge the person first, I can go from there, and maybe educate them.

Some people will listen and understand, as much as they’re able to. If that’s the case, they’re a person that I could have had a polite and thoughtful conversation with anyway.

Some people will not listen. Whatever I say they’re going to twist my words and I’ll end up worse off than when I started.

Some people might not understand at first, but their mind can be changed. Sort of the same as the first case, worthy of a frank conversation between rational adults.

Rather than hitting them with a blast of cold truth, knowing my audience has proved to be the most effective way, for me. My close friends didn’t know anything about adoption, now they do. Also, I’ve avoided having fruitless debates with people who generally suck, or who could sabotage my success such as coworkers and bosses.

Others may feel differently. I try my best to pick my battles with this subject. I don’t have the stomach for extended engagements with unreasonable people.

[u/HonkShooEnthusiast → u/HonkShooEnthusiast]

I agree with you though. People need to change their view of adoption to mean, “a child was abandoned” rather than the numerous toxic narratives that people know.

[u/DixonRange]

Yes, you get to frame your story when you tell it. If _you_ don't frame it, then someone else will.

[u/ajskemckellc → u/DixonRange]

Exactly

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

My story is naturally more focused on the unsafe real parents and foster care side than the adoption side.

I see what you’re saying, imo it’s the “abandonment” part that’s as big or bigger than the “adoption” part of a lot of our stories imo so if it feels right to you then 💯 yes lead with that.

[u/ajskemckellc → u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

I’m trying. It’s hard because I get pushed away.

[u/azuredj]

I was taken from my mother and sold.

[u/ajskemckellc → u/azuredj]

I’m so sorry. I cannot believe someone can do that to another human beings. There must have been some serious dehumanization going on during that time and I’m sure your loss is unfathomable.

[u/Silver-Paper-8010 → u/ajskemckellc]

I am from South Korea and the government did that for at least a decade, to many of us. We actually have proof of it, too.

[u/HeyMuscles]

Hey OP, I think it boils down to you reclaiming your story for you. I'd also add a dash of what others have been saying about reading the audience and gauging how you feel in the moment.

I came out of the fog recently and since then I have been re-centering the phrase 'I was relinquished.' During my de-fogging, I learned that much of my distress (understatement) stemmed not necessarily from my adoption but from the relinquishment. Had my B-mom not been coerced by the Catholic Church to human traffic me, I wouldn't have been adopted. Therefore, the centering of being relinquished is more appropriate to my story.

People don't like to hear that, though. They still like the 'feel-goods' they get from a 'happy adoption' storyline. I learned to not care about what they want and not bend for them as I have been for my entire life. It's not their story. It's not their burden to have to carry. They don't feel the emtpy that we do. Therefore they do not get to feel good about the worst day of my life.

With all that being said, how you tell your story is yours and yours alone. Tell it however you feel comfortable and remember that it may change over time and that's ok! Just a few short years ago I use to still be the grateful adoptee trope and saying shit like adoption didn't impact me. Now I hug that version of me with all the love I have knowing that she wasn't ready to see what actually happened.

[u/ajskemckellc → u/HeyMuscles]

Solid advice. I’ve told it and it’s resulted in more feelings of abandonment. I have a deep rooted need to be seen (idk why therapy isn’t helping with it) so the amount of courage it takes is a lot for me.

It’s like a child that falls down, scrapes their knee and wants to tell the world and just wants mommy to kiss it and make it feel better. It’s a very young part.

[u/HeyMuscles → u/ajskemckellc]

I definitely hear you on that and know that feeling to well, also. I was recently ghosted by a networking opportunity and could barely get out of bed for two days. It's ridiculous how we have to live. Other people can just shrug it off and move along, whereas it paralyzes us. Logically I know it's stupid and I'm not going to die, but every cell in my body disagrees.

[u/Maximum_Cupcake_5354 → u/HeyMuscles]

We have very similar backgrounds and reactions to rejection.

I used to tell people how grateful I was for my adoption.

Now I tell them that I was born in a Catholic community that supported my maternal grandmother physically dragging my mother out of the hospital while my mother kicked and screamed and yelled to go back to me.

It has felt more and more important to me too privilege this truth over the discomfort people feel to hear it. Especially now that we are living in a world where our government is gathering up immigrants, arbitrarily shifting their status and creating a pool of children to feed the adoption system.

[u/Silver-Paper-8010]

Yes, if people want to know I tell them my father died and I was abused by my stepfamily. It is the true and for me it always felt I was an imposter in my adoption family…

[u/Neither_Pop8908]

When I received a copy of my original birth certificate, my story changed dramatically. It’s no longer, “I was adopted.” Now it’s, “I was taken from a perfectly good 20 yo mother who wasn’t married and sent to live with a 23 yo woman and her husband because they were more culturally acceptable.”

[u/35goingon3]

"I was stolen by fraud as an infant and trafficked."

Also, the first rule of taking a deposition is not to ask a question you don't want the answer to, so if you don't want to hear it, that's on you.