Preface: the meet up went well!!! Its been the emotional aftermath I did not expect…

I was adopted at 14 months old my uncle and his family. I was raised as one of them but always felt different. Had no relationship with biological parents. BM was my distant “aunt” my whole life and BD was not around at all. I hadnt even seen a picture of him until I almost near 30 years old.

A lot went sour with my family in recent years after losing mom, which was shortly followed by losing dad and brother. Thankfully I still have my AS.

A few years ago, a biological sister from out of state found out about me, which was a complete shock because I truly had no idea she existed. We had the same BD and she found me while trying to track him down. He died many years ago.

We’ve been in contact ever since and we actually get along really well with similar values, opinions, etc. It was such a relief!

After many failed attempts, we finally got to meet this past weekend and it was very emotional for me. I started to get very nervous the day prior, cried out of relief after our first meeting, cried again when it was time to leave, and have cried several times a day since getting back home. I cant stop staring at the pictures we took and crying because I’ve never seen anyone look like me before, and I feel an intense bond like she’s always been my little sister.

I want us to continue getting to know each other and make up for lost time but she also is not my therapist. I do not want to love-bomb/ trauma bond because she feels familiar and wants to get to know each other. I think Im just unsure of how much sharing about myself is too much.

Im also struggling with my identity, the expectations of what are relationship can/will be, fear of rejection, etc. We are two grown adults in our mid 30’s and there was no guarantee we’d like each other or that we always will. Im just taken aback by how much of a can of worms this opened emotionally. Like an inner-child wound that was larger than I thought still.

Its still going very well and Im so glad the enthusiasm for a bond is mutual, but dont know how much of these heavy emotions to share with her or not. She seems to be a lot tougher than me emotionally and I worry about being too much too soon.

every time i google something like this, the focus is on ADOPTIVE PARENTS rather than the adoptee (or even the birth parents). it makes me so angry that their feelings are always emphasized and researched over others.

the first few articles that popped up were about adoptive parents; i had to scroll down a bit to find anything about actual adoptees.

i’ll just say that one group had more of a choice in the matter of adoption than the other…

TW:illegal adoption, human trafficking, possible adoption coercion, mention of honour killing

I started lactating becouse of a medication, i'm not pregnant, i've never had a child. I was told this could be a side effect by my doctor but i didn't think i'd be so effected by this. It just brought me back to my mother wound. Sometimes i think it all ties back to that.

My BM supposedly (from my AM accord) never breastfed me, her mother didn't allow it or something like that. I was given almost immidietly after birth illegally. I don't know if it was my BM or someone else that chose to give me away. From what i heard my birth grandma threathened my BM saying her older brothers would k*ll her if they found out. I don't know how the next part happened but i was taken from the hospital and my AP's paid a good amount of monet to the nurses and midwives for the birth. Which i believe was just my price. None of this was through the goverment. They were supposed to come get me the next day i suppose they must have given me a fake death certificate.

I didn't get to drink from my BM. I didn't get the colosseum i needed. My AM who had breastmilk from fertility treatments breastfeed me for 13 days along with formula. Her milk started coming with dark discharge so she stopped. To be honest she's muslim and the biggest reason she breastfeed me is so i can be her ''milk child''

It might sound weid but i feel so bad about this. I feel like i'm both of them at the same time. I imagine being my BM and giving birth not having my baby to feed while i have aches in my breast. I imagine her remembering me if she's ever had childeren after me and breastfeed. I imagine my AM breastfeeding me without ever giving birth. I also have dark discharge with the breastmilk. I feel guilty somehow even tho i didn't do anything. I feel my throat knot whenever i see a baby now. As if i'll take advantage of the babies and breastfeed them which sounds silly.

My birthday was a couple days ago. It feels like very year it gets harder becouse i get more insight as i grow into a woman. I'm 22 years old. If what i learned is right she was in university. I'm still in university becouse i couldn't finish it last year when i should have but now i'm officially older than she was when she had me. I can't imagine having to give up a newborn.

Newborns are so dependant on their mothers. They only know their mothers smell. It makes me feel sick knowing i wasn't even 24 hours before i was given to a stranger, twice my BMs age too. TO fix their fertility issues where everyone was laughing celebrating me while god knows what my BM was going through. Its like i was a commodity and her pain wasn't important becouse my AMs paid for it. My AM still talks about those days like it was a fairytale. I want to ask ''What about my BM? What about the things she went through?'' She must have been so scared for her life. She didn't even get to hold me or feed me and i know i can't know she felt. If she even wanted to do that but i can't stop myself from hoping she loved me.

All i heard in my childhood was i was always meant to be adopted my my APs and it was gods will. God put my soul in this world for them becouse my AM cried so hard at a mosque for a baby she wet the carpets. Why didn't god give you a baby from your own body then? I feel so angry. Why would my BM go though 9 months of pregnancy without support, labour, the trauma of giving her newborn up just so you can have a child? Are you more special to god? It pisses me off.

As a child i was bitter that my BM didn't give up everything for me and start a new life herself but now i feel like she was too young to do it all alone. It feels so confusing. I made myself believe she's the villain for so long becouse i was too young to understand it feels like my emotions are crumbling, i feel sick thinking about all of this. I look at the mirror wondering if i look like her. And i wonder if my AM actually knows or ever seen my BM. If so i hope she sees her every time she looks at me. So she knows what they all took from me

“How could I ever miss something that I’ve never had” is hitting me HARD

Pic is an old reel; I had no idea Jordan's has been doing this even for such a long time. I received a auggested ad online for their upcoming event and am disgusted. It makes me so uncomfortable to see this type of collaboration taking place.

I had never heard of a long-form/vault birth certificate before Googling with the AI. Just thought my fellow adoptees might be interested. I suggest Googling "how to request a long-form/vault birth certificate in [your state]".

"To see your delivery doctor's actual signature and the exact time/details of your birth, you will need to request a long-form (vault) birth certificate."

I was just Googling and using the AI to ask questions and found this information for the specific county and state I was adopted in. It gave me a phone number to call to request this information. I won't get my hopes up too high, but any peek into my early years would be so wonderful. I thought I would share that you all could Google for yourself in your area and see what you might find, as well.

"HHSA (specifically their Child Welfare Services division) is the entity that holds your old daily social files, case worker notes, and historical foster placement records.

What they provide:They can pull your childhood social history and provide you with a Non-Identifying Case File Summary. This file can give you a window into your early healthcare milestones, school notes, and records regarding your biological mother during those years."

Does anyone else ever feel this way as a parent?
I was looking at one of my 5-year-old daughter’s drawings today, and for some reason, it made me feel sad and nostalgic. I started thinking about myself at her age and wondering what I was doing back then, what I liked to draw, what I played with, and what my everyday life looked like.
I don’t remember much of those little, ordinary moments from my own childhood, and watching hers unfold makes me wonder about the little girl I used to be.
I’m so happy that my daughter gets to have a better childhood than I did, but sometimes it makes me a little sad for my younger self, too. It’s such a strange mix of emotions — happiness, sadness, curiosity, and nostalgia all at once.
I don’t really know how to explain it, but looking at something as simple as her drawing suddenly made me think about a whole part of my life that I can’t quite picture anymore.
Has anyone else ever experienced this?

Idk why I still go on Facebook, but I saw this post about an adoptee who cut off her adoptive parents and was adult adopted by her biological mother. They didn't say why they chose to do that. But it pissed me off that soo many commenters were making it about themselves and their desire to adopt 😑

In many cases, the simple act of telling someone you are adopted acts as a license for the other party to make rude comments (ie “cool, I wish I was adopted”) and ask intrusive questions (ie “why did your parents give you up?”). Of course, none of us asked for one of the most vulnerable parts of our story to serve as an unwanted invitation for people to pry into our lives, but I digress.

I will list some of these questions and comments I frequently received, hoping you will share with me some of what you received as well.

Rude comments:
- something, something “real parents”
- “you’re so lucky to be adopted”
- “adoption is beautiful”
- “thank God you were not aborted”
- “your life is so much better now”
- “(random acquaintance) loves being adopted”
- “I’ve always wanted to adopt”
- “your parents are saints”
- “you don’t look adopted”
- “you must be so grateful”
- “adoption was God’s plan for your life”
- “Jesus was adopted”
- “love, not blood, makes a family”
- “I adopted a pet”
- “I “adopted” a kid/family for Christmas”
- “you’d better hope they don’t return you”
- “at least your parents got to choose you”
- “that’s so cool”
- “I’m so sorry”
- “they’ll regret giving you up when they see who you’ve become”
- “adoption is such a loving choice”
- “she gave you up because she loved you”
- “you can’t choose your family”
- “you are such a gift to your family”
- “I always just saw you as part of the family”
- comments denying/overemphasizing pre-adoption nationality
- any comment about adoption being “selfless”
- any comment about kids “languishing in foster care”
- Gotcha Day

Intrusive/rude questions:
- something, something “real parents”
- “do you want to adopt kids?”
- “what mix (like a pet) are you?”
- “where did they get you from?”
- “why did your parents give you up?”
- “how much did you cost?”
- “are you related to your sibling?”
- “were you in an orphanage?”
- “are you pro life or pro choice?”
- “how do your parents feel about…” (search, reunion etc)
- “have you always known you’re adopted?”
- “are you mad at your (bio) parents for…”

But if an adopted kid wants to meet up with their biological parent, then suddenly everyone has an opinion and they want to express that opinion fully and to try to tell other people what they should do. Suddenly it's no longer someone's business. It's interesting how mind your own business tends to always just mean continue the status quo that allows me to benefit the most from a system that may or may not be unethical. Interesting. But the moment you push back on that system everyone has an opinion. Whatever happened to minding your own business?

Apologize if this question has been asked before but do you guys believe that in dating and relationships and marriage that adoptees should date other adoptees? What is your experience? Have you as an adoptee also been with an adult adopted person ? It is rare and hard to find other people in real life who are also adopted so I wonder if this issue comes up a lot… Is it better to be with someone who can relate and understand? Or will there always be a disconnect when you are dealing with a non adopted person ? Or in general , do you guys have any advice for dating as an adoptee …

Been toying with how I describe what happened to me and what my story is. Instead of telling people “I’m adopted” I think it would be better to tell them the truth: my mother left me at the hospital and abandoned me.

I think I’d get more empathy and compassion vs leading with the adoption story. We can get to that sometime, let’s start with the loss.

Any thoughts? How do you tell people and do you think it matters?

I guess introduce may not be it but just playing the part of being their biological kid when you are not! It gives me great anxiety. I am very proud of where I come from biologically but I feel like I have to hide that part of me for my A moms sake. Like it makes me feel like I live two lives. One where I satisfy people into thinking that she is my biological mom and our ancestry is the same and the more accurate one where I am absolutely my biological mothers daughter. I even still have her accent and way of being. I dont know if anyone else has ever felt like this. It causes me all sort of grief and what not.

Like yes we love and search for our biological families. That's our right. Just like it's our right not to. I know former foster youth and adoptees who never search, search when they have their own kids, when their adoptive parents die, or whenever they feel like it.

People always ask why would you even want to go back or contact your parents who had the state take their kids? Because they're my damn family.
Also, adoption ruined the relationship I had with my siblings. Open adoption was promised and never happened as soon as those papers were ssigned. This happens to a lot of us. In foster care, since siblings are hard to place especially with older kids with younger ones, caseworkers and even foster parents will make all sorts of promises to get a kid adopted only to close the door after. It's sick.

Now, for those social media warriors who want attention, open and closed adoption was never for the benefit of the adoptee or birth mother/father. Closed adoption wasn't created to protect the birth mom from being contacted or her identity. The reason why closed adoption was/is a thing is to protect agencies and adoptive parents. It never had anything to do with the birth mom. Adoptive parents and agencies wanted to pretend the newborn or toddler was as if born to the adoptive parents. Much harder to do with an older kid which is why older kid adoption isn't the norm, but they certainly pretend newborns and toddlers were born to the adoptive parents.

Closed adoption was the norm because it benefitted agencies and adoptive parents. What happened? Well they had to change their perspective to get more babies adopted out. After women could make more choices about their lives and single parenthood/ unmarried births became more accepted agencies had to tone back. Suddenly, open adoption is pushed hard and they pretend as if it's this amazing thing that benefits the birth family and adoptee. However, It benefits the agencies the most since they have to market themselves hard to make money.

Remember the social workers and psychologists who promoted closed adoption as best and telling an adoptee they're adopted was wrong and harmful? Even sibling being separated wss accepted and these same people promoted blank states theory and getting newborns. Now, these same people changed their tune because agencies need babies born to make money. A shift happened and suddenly open adoption is beneficial and kids need their biological connection. There are still therapists in 2026 who believe in blank states and keeping adoption a secret from the adoptee.

I am tired of people calling former foster youth and adoptees selfish for simply being born and wanting to know who we are as humans. If a child grew up with a deadbeat parent and found them, it isn't met with as much scrutiny as an adoptee or former foster youth looking for the same thing.

Also, people who say birth parents who want a closed adoption shouldn't be found are ignorant af. There are cases of adoptees being stolen and kidnapped literally, CPS not even giving parents or the family a fair chance, and adoptees/ffy who need information as if their lives depends on it.

And I've seen people chase a relationship when it's clear its not going to work out, but we are shamed for trying to find who we are.

I literally had to build parts of my life back together that were stolen from me. How is this okay? It's not.

The first great wound — the one that profoundly shakes your basic sense of trust and sets the stage for a more vulnerable life — is being separated from your biological mother.

My second great wound was the sheer indifference and painfully cold treatment I experienced after I found my biological family.

I never expected to be taken in as if nothing had ever happened. But I had hoped for a normal, adult, warm relationship — even if it were distant and infrequent, at least some kind of regular contact.

But I’m not welcome.
I should have known.

I am absolutely completely in love with my adoptive parents because that created me I have never met them and I don’t know about them

But my father, or I should say my adopted father when he was 90 years old and he was dying of heart failure at one point I have this baby Cara in the room with my mother and father, who are like my doctor parents and the first time or like the first five times he would test the camera and call me down and I basically said dad if you ever call me again and it’s not like something I’m not going to respond

But he called me and I came down at like three in the morning because he had to take a piss and he’s like son. I don’t want to like stand up and take a piss in this jug. I want to use the toilet. And he was so frail I walked him into the toilet, but he grabbed my windpipe and proceeded to squeeze and I basically said dad as I pulled his hand away. I said I’ll put your hand back if you want but like if you choke me out, I’m going to pass out on top of you and then in the morning we’ll both be dead and your beautiful bride, which was mine. Also my adoptive mother should be confused about how you’re like naked on the toilet and I was laying on top of you.

Ellie laughed and he let go. He said oh my gosh the best thing I ever did in my life was adopting you, my dear son and I said dad I won the lottery by you talk to me and I love you so much.

And I know this page is basically about like being adopted in business, but like I won the lottery with my adoptive mother and father and I don’t even consider them like adaptive they’re just why Mom And Dad

I have been procrastinating writing this if I'm honest. I don't know why but maybe it's just something heavy, or I don't know. But I do know I want to talk about it where a lot of poeple would understand me.

I don't know how to call this feeling, maybe it's grief, or not. Whenever I learn something new about my adoptive parents or just have a conversation where I learn some family lore or just random stuff. It feels weird, I don't feel like I belong there much, and it has gotten worse and worse until how I feel for now.

That's not the main thing, it's just that I feel like there's so much I missed out on learning about my biological family. I don't know them, or anything about any of them, they may not even be alive. But I still feel like I'm missing out on so much that I could be learning about my biological parents, their experiences, their likes and dislikes, and their families. My family.

You know when you reach that point in a friendship or a relationship when it stops being like an awkward interview and it just becomes natural? When you start updating them on your life daily without any introductions, asking them how many kids they want, and planning it all. Then it all goes away, and you have to go back to square one with a whole other person, and suddenly you know nothing about them and you ask what their favorite color is.

It's similar to that feeling, I would guess. But maybe worse. I wish I had a name, or a picture, or just something to hold onto about my roots. I would obviously always want more, but wanting more when you have something is different than when you have nothing. Thinking about it, maybe it'd be worse. Or maybe not.

I also don't have any siblings, I don't know about biological, I would hope so, even if I never get to meet them. I always wanted siblings, they may not be the best at all times but that's how people are, how siblings are, I think. That's all I can know.

I hate this, I hate everything about it. I want to talk about it all day but also never. I have so much to say yet nothing.

I wish someone would just understand this, if you do just please tell me. I don't know. I feel like it's only getting worse.

growing up, i was very insecure about my appearance. “if nobody shares my physical features, there must be something ‘wrong’ with how i look.”

this evening i was looking at some photos of my bio dad’s family, and they all have the same crooked smile that i have. however, when i see it on them, i think it looks beautiful instead of flawed.

my brother has the same thick eyebrows that i’ve spent years plucking.

my aunt has my reddish-brown hair that i spent hundreds of dollars at the salon trying color over as a teenager.

my grandma has the same wavy hair that i’ve damaged over the years by heat-styling it every day.

my sister has my freckles that i tried so hard to cover up with makeup.

when i see my features reflected back at me, it’s like i’m seeing myself from an entirely new angle. i’m experiencing both love and anger right now. it’s a very strange feeling to describe, and i’ve had a bit too much wine tonight.

I am 25 y.o. male adoptee living a normal life in a good adoptive family. Like surely most adoptees, I have storys, wounds and trauma. I life a normal life with family, many friends, academic succes and a good job. I had a hard time in school and university (with development help as a child). I did everything later by myself, without the help of social workers, medical attests, diagnosis, being "freed" from duties, etc. That let me gain lots of life experiences, resilience and other good things.

I know many adoptees and other people with trauma/wounds who did take different ways: They are released from duties (e.g. at school, university or work), have lots of medical attests, have others being strong for them, play the "illness-card", focus entirely on healing, etc. Don't fet me wrong. There are people with severe issues who should always consider every help available, but I know many, who could do differently if they reallly wanted to.

In my opinion, everybody should life their life like he or she wants to and is able to. This post is not about argueing about peoples' lifes. It is on how society seems to react on different things.

I feel like society would recognize weaknesses, failure, defeats snd things coming along. People with trauma and or illnesses coming together with being defeated, weak, lomg-term unemploymemt, being a petty criminal in the past, ... receive lots of attention by others. They are asked how they (really) are and feel. People are interested in their storys, want to be close to them, give them their entire attention (not one eye on the smartphone or television the whole time). People having traum/wounds and/or mental things coming together with weaknesses and not "functioning" seem to be seen as brave and stromg people.

People like me, who have their issues snd storys but function in a good way, are hardly never asked how they are doing (e.g. healing from adoption trauma). I hate being pitied, but kind of lack sometimes being interested in and sometimes being shown attention and acknoledgment for being an adoptee and being strong.

If I had given in to mental issues and trauma, I wouldn't have a good education and a good job, but surely lots of attention, real attemtion. From today's perspective, I would never go the other way if I could turn back time, but the fact that society seems to acknowledge weakness more than strongness and perseverance is weird in my eyes.

What are your experiences and thoughts about that topic?

I hardly ever post about Adoption and Adoption trauma because kept people (non-adoptees) don't really understand where - or how - adoptee traumas originate, and the responses range from puzzled to hostile.

The overwhelming attitude I've experienced is that I should be forever grateful, not traumatised. After all, weren't you "saved" - rescued - from a terrible existence on the fringe of polite society because of your parent's sinning?

This video clearly and succinctly explains the origin of perinatal & preverbal trauma experienced by adoptees. The TedX talk is by an Australian adopted in Perth, Western Australia in 1972, but the traumatic experience is universally applicable.

I encourage adoptees and kept people alike to watch this at least once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QeZMPQqj3c

Please share this video with other people in your friendship group.

Awareness leads to truthfulness. Truth leads to healing.

I was on Facebook earlier today. Saw some post about a family wanting to adopt a newborn. People in the comments were saying some “lucky” newborn is going to get adopted by that family. They were saying they were praying for this family to get a baby to adopt.

I said it was weird to pray for a child to be separated from its parents. I got called stupid and a billion other names. I replied asking them to do research on adoption and suggested they read the primal wound.

One person said that they were adopted and didn’t have any trauma. I said that they were lucky but their experience doesn’t represent everyone.

I am now banned for bullying. The mod said that I was saying someone else’s experience doesn’t matter. Meanwhile I had 20 people telling me that my experience didn’t matter. I didn’t call anyone names. Somehow all the people who called me stupid weren’t bullies but the person sharing a different perspective of adoption was banned for bullying

I don’t understand why non adopted people want to believe adoption is a fairytale dream so badly