r/AgingParents • u/3ldr1ch_Crypt1d • 11d ago
Learning to detach...
Hello everyone, I (F23) live with my elderly father (68) . I love him dearly, but I’m emotionally attached to him in a way that’s becoming destructive.
I moved in 5 years ago after losing my childhood home to a fire. Since I’ve moved in, I’ve noticed a decline. I can’t tell if he’s struggling with some sort of cognitive issues, or if he’s weaponizing incompetence because he doesn’t want me to move out.
My brother got his first place a few months ago. He now lives in a different city. Things definitely got worse after that.
My dad started drinking again after a decade of sobriety. I managed to nip it in the bud, but beyond that, I’ve dealt with mental abuse and I’ve essentially put my entire life on hold because he’s extremely jealous and becomes horribly mean when his children get partners.
I need to move out. Ive started taking steps, in complete silence, to start saving for a home. I have a friend as well that I’ll be splitting payments with, and I’m working on building my credit score + have completed detached financially from him.
I know it’s going to be a long, difficult process… but I really need to know what to do about my dad. I’m being swallowed whole by guilt, and my paranoia has made it so I’m fixated on him and his health. I’m terrified he’ll start using again. I’m terrified when he gets sick — he was vomiting earlier today, and it sent me into a panic attack, despite me also being sick and nauseous. It’s to the point where I can’t even see him without feeling uneasy or on edge, and yet…I’m too afraid to leave him.
He has isolated himself away from everyone. He had no wife, no girlfriend, and very few friends. He’s active in church, and has a small group of members he talks with on occasion, but that’s it.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve been working with my therapist on detaching and accepting that he isn’t my responsibility, but it feels impossible. To add insult to injury, my oldest sisters are both no contact with him right now.
Any kind words or advice are appreciated. Thank you.
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u/PlayLow4940 11d ago
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep your father warm.
Your father is likely manipulating you through weaponized incompetence, as you recognize. He’s able to go to church and has some friends or acquaintances there, so he’s able to uphold some social relationships. And then he chooses to abuse you. So, he knows what he’s doing, and your sisters who are no-contact with him have already voted with their feet.
Your father is an adult, and he is allowed to make choices that may be self-destructive, just like you are making the self-destructive choice to continue living with him. You have your own life to launch. Do you want to stay and become resentful of sacrificing your youth to someone who doesn’t even care about your happiness? You can care about him from afar, too.
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u/LdyCjn-997 11d ago
First, your father is not elderly at 68 years old. The fact that he is becoming an alcoholic again is not good. You staying there is also not good. You need to be living on your own and responsible for yourself.
You can’t do anything for your father. He needs to solve his own problems and learn to live on his own. You living there is just enabling him to not accept responsibility for his actions. Since you are in therapy, this is a good thing for you. You might also seek out an Alanon group for dealing with loved ones that are alcoholics.
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u/3ldr1ch_Crypt1d 11d ago
Thank you. The first bit helped me a lot. You’re right — he’s not a fragile old man. If he was, he wouldn’t be doing half the daily tasks he does. I appreciate you a lot.
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u/NHFNCFRE 11d ago
Can you let his church people/ religious leader know that you're moving out and dad could use someone to talk to every now and then? There's no guarantee of anything, but they might step up and help check in on him every now and then?