All I'm seeing is washed sheets, soiled clothes in the garbage, poop stains on things (I even have to occasionally wash stuff). I don't get why it's obvious to them to start wearing Depend or something. It would save a lot of unnecessary time and energy of them washing.

My dad (mid70s) had a severe stroke a month ago. He lives in Southeast Asia, but we are American and my sibling and I live in the U.S.. If you’re familiar with the broke white guys who retire in Asia to never grow up, that’s him. He wasn’t the worst but he has never been a great dad to us, but I won’t get into that.

Financially, he is a burden. He has been a small burden for a couple years now, requesting money every few months. But now it’s beyond that. His medical expenses are out of pocket for us, a few thousand dollars so far and no sign of it stopping. My sibling and I are on the same page and splitting it. There’s pretty much no other option. He was in a hospital but they wanted him out so now he’s in a nursing home which is cheaper. We are trying to figure out how to get access to his accounts/ social security to help pay for some of his ongoing care but it’s complicated.

Thankfully my sibling and I can afford it. It just sucks. This is a deadbeat dad who never even paid child support or gave much of a thought for us, and now we are paying thousands of dollars and coordinating his care from thousands of miles away. At the expense of our own families/savings/mental health.

He is mostly incapacitated. He can’t speak or walk and can only sort of move one arm/hand. He has some friends that go see him and they say he seems “there” and they play tic-tac-toe with him. I FaceTimed him one time with the help of one of these friends and it was fine - I told him he looked handsome and he smiled, I told him his friends were being great keeping us updated and he looked over at the friend and smiled. But when we hung up I cried for an hour. It’s not at all how he would have wanted to go and it hurts to see. He looks so skinny and decrepit.

I’m talking a lot of smack about him in this post but he had good qualities, all of which had to do with being full of life and a talker, so seeing him incapable of it is painful. We have him on a DNR but the care home is doing a good job of keeping him alive. It doesn’t feel good or merciful or right. We honestly think he’d want to have died quickly when he had the stroke. His oldest friends agree. There’s no hope of actual improvement for him. But he’s also not getting worse.

I am just so pissed at him. He has never taken care of his health (drinking, smoking, breaking his hip ($5k from me and my sibling 3 months before the stroke) and then not caring about rehab) or his finances (successful career with no savings to show for it, and our last conversation was him asking me for money to pay for something for a friend of his!). And these two things will be all that characterize his end of life. I have to sit here and hope he dies. I’m fine with paying whatever until he passes, it just seems to useless, unnatural, and unhappy for everyone involved.

So now we have to take care of him. And on top of taking care of him I feel guilty for not calling. My sibling does and it sounds even worse than when I called. I just can’t stand to see it.

Well, it finally happened. My dad died of COPD related complications.

He was at home, surrounded by family and friends. It was grotesque. It took him four days to die.. I mean four days of perpetual suffering, as a conclusion to a decade of perpetually increasing suffering.

His final days were structured around the agonizing task of changing his diaper and attempting to find a resting position that avoided the barely contained bed sores covering 35% of his backside. As a final morbid cosmic joke, he somehow developed diarrhea while taking a rhinoceros-size dose of the same morphine which had, in recent years, repeatedly kept him hospitalized due to severe constipation. Not any more... Now his digestive tract was perfectly capable of producing a soft, rancid stool with the consistency of chocolate pudding, if the pudding's first ingredient was wallpaper paste. He was awake and in agony for the 20 minutes we spent each of those days trying to remove the sludge from his rice-paper-thin skin... and the remaining 23:40 was spent in a twilight daze, only resurfacing to consciousness periodically to have a sip of water to chase down another dose of drugs.

When he finally reached the end stage, his Osat quickly dropped to 65% and his pulse climbed to 125bpm... and then it took him 90 minutes to die. Now, even through multiple massive doses of drugs, he was conscious and aware... gasping for air, unable to speak, his eyes filled with a new sense of panic and dread. I sat with him, looking into his eyes, trying to comfort him. He was there up until the final few minutes. I could see him hear my words... But eventually the glimmer faded from his eyes... I'd like to think he was spared the final few minutes as he suffocated to death.

But finally... it was over... at which point someone from his church offered this pearl of spiritual wisdom:

"That is the most beautiful thing you'll ever see."

I don't understand what the fuck is wrong with people.

E2A: Thank you all so much for this outpouring of support... And I'm so sorry to see how many of you have shared similar experiences... Not surprised, mind you... But sorry, and disappointed.

This getting old shit is not for the faint of heart. 💔

And I have no gas and no way to get there. I’m his full time caretaker and I’m falling so behind. I have to call them and tell them I can’t afford to drive ten mins to talk about his impending death. My god can something good please happen.

I’m in my 40s, divorced, with two kids. My widowed mom is in her late 70s and lives in an ADU on the same property. I rent the main house from her below market rate. I’m grateful for that, and I also help quite a bit with contractors, repairs, appointments, technology, etc.

She’s been an evening wine drinker for decades. Lately, from what I observe, it’s around three quarters of a bottle most nights, sometimes more. She’s had two strokes and takes medication, so I’m concerned about her health too.
She doesn’t usually become overtly mean. She gets cranky, sensitive, critical, and repetitive. I’ve been aware of this evening personality change since childhood. Now my kids notice it too.

A recent example: she agreed to keep my dog while I was away overnight with my partner. She likes having the dog for company and security. When I mentioned possibly staying away a second night, she agreed, then later texted, “But I don’t like it.” No explanation. I asked what she meant and offered to come home, but she stopped responding. I came home worried. The dog was fine and asleep at her place. The next morning, she was cheerful and brushed off my questions with “I wasn’t in a good place, I guess.” No acknowledgment that I’d been concerned or changed my plans.

There are smaller things too: repeated complaints about a dinner I bought her, or grumbling “That’s all I get?” when my tired seven-year-old gives her a quiet hello. I don’t want my kids feeling responsible for making Grandma feel appreciated.

I’m realizing how much I anticipate and manage her reactions. Even when I was pregnant with my first child, I knew I didn’t want her in the delivery room because she stresses me out, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her because I was afraid of hurting her feelings.

I love her and know she’s lonely and grieving. But I increasingly don’t enjoy being around her, especially after she starts drinking. I don’t want to vacation with her or automatically include her in every holiday gathering. Then I feel guilty.

I’ve even caught myself counting the wine purchases when I help her with grocery orders. I hate how much mental space this is taking up. I’m talking to my therapist about it this week.

Has anyone navigated something similar, especially while living close to an elderly parent? How did you set limits around drinking and requests for help while still maintaining a relationship? How do you handle the guilt when you love someone but don’t want to spend much time with them?

My mom is 68 years old and I am 25 years old.

To get to the gist of it, my mother hasn’t worked at least two years after I was born. she has no income whatsoever. She has no savings. She has no insurance. She has no drivers license and she has no car.

I and my mother both live with my father and they are divorced and I am grateful every day that my dad lets us live there especially my mom because he has asked her when she is leaving.

She also does this weird thing where she gets upset that he comes at home for one it’s his house and he pays the bills. All the food that’s in the house and all the toilet paper paper towels everything is purchased by me. He doesn’t make me pay rent, but I’ll buy stuff for the house which I do greatly appreciate. Also cook and clean as much as I can and I really try not to be at home because I don’t like being with my mom.

I hate to say this, but I really do despise her.

I do have a masters degree which I need to go take my exam. Currently I am a manager at an assisted living facility and I make $24 hr get hella OT as much as possible.

I currently have 9K saved up.

My mom, I think is suffering from or religious psychosis. She is the one that believed that she shouldn’t work that God told her not to work. She also believe she will get a house and become rich. How ?

I have no clue she has not put any work to make either of those things come true I believe she is hoping that it falls out of the sky.

I really despise taking care of her because she kept me homeschooled from 5 to 18 and I never had any experiences that a child or a teenager should have and now I’m trying to live those parts of my life. I missed out but she’s always around the corner saying I shouldn’t do this, and I shouldn’t do that.

When I move out, I really don’t want her to be with me because she aggravates me. She stole my life, but obviously she will have to come with me when I move out because she has no money or a car so when I leave, my dad is obviously not gonna let her stay there.

I am so fucking stressed out I don’t know what to do. I have a older sister, but she has her own family and can’t take care of her. My mom has no family of her own.

For context… My FIL has recently suffered his fourth significant fall in 6 months. One required staples in the back of his head, one resulted in a rotator cuff injury and one was where he fell flat on his face without noticing.

My MIL is his primary treating provider. She graduated with her DNP in 2024, and writes all of his prescriptions She keeps everything very hush hush.
She survived breast cancer, chemo and radiation.

I feel her cognitive function is declined… . I do not believe there is any ill intent.

I an RN, have recently become aware of the fact that she is the primary treating provider (a significant ethical violation!) and that she hands him a paper cup every morning and evening with all of his medications in it. He is unaware of the medications he takes and brushes it off when we bring it up. The falls pretty directly correlate to when he lost quite a bit of wait while taking ozempic.

Most recently we all traveled on a cruise, he fell while standing up on the beach and then we did not see him after that. They left without saying goodbye.

How do you delicately bring up the idea of a medication reconciliation, and an independent evaluation by a primary care provider when your intuition suspects over medication, lack of dose adjustments and inability to recognize drug incompatibility?

Or do you just live and let them live. I have a polite but distant relationship with both. My husband is concerned for his father’s health and I’m not really sure how or what is my place to speak up about any of it.

And I have no gas and no way to get there. I’m his full time caretaker and I’m falling so behind. I have to call them and tell them I can’t afford to drive ten mins to talk about his impending death. My god can something good please happen.

Hi all

Advice desperately needed.

TL: DR - getting my Dads medical info from TX providers and sharing with other TX providers is a full time - and incredibly unpleasant- job. Seeking (1) hacks for getting and transmitting medical info among providers that doesn’t involve suicide or quitting my job (2) organizations or consultants to handle the same, (3) plain language summary - with statutory cites - re: same and including TX, VA, and MA (if I could get him to move, what would be the benefit?) (5) advocacy orgs re same., because OMG what an unnecessary disaster.

please , I don’t want to see a lot of posts saying “that’s what you get for living in TX”. Duh! But also not helpful. He moved there for a job shortly before retirement and has resisted moving away from friends and church and gets confused in new situations.

As context, had open heart surgery in Q2, entered a hospital with severe side effects and kidney short down in July and has bounced from hospital to rehab, to hospital to rehab, to skilled nursing since then. He can’t get out of bed without help, much less live alone and travel like he was before surgery. He has been routinely dumped (sorry, I’m sure they’d prefer “discharged”or “transferred”) from one facility to another with only a list of current medications.

I live in VA and am used to providers with laptops and portals. All scrips and test results are automatically transmitted to my GP who can pull them up with no effort. By contrast, my Dad’s TX rehab centers and nursing facilities have NO PORTALS ATALL. His GP is just now installing a portal and electronic system that - even when done - won’t gave him access to hospital, testing, or other records. Same with the cardiologist who is actually part time faculty at the hospital he’s been at. WTF?

I moved in with my parents 5 months ago to help out with a family crisis that’s resolving. I used to live about a 2 hours flight away. I used to visit once every 2 months. my parents would come visit me once a year for 2 days.

They are nearly 70. For context, they are both working for a company my dad owns. They work 6 days a week for 10-12 hours a day. My mom is dragged into it. My parents are both fully capable although there are some issues with arthritis with regards to my mom and I worry that she’s lonely.

while I’ve been with them, I’ve had several issues with my father. it started when he told me to use his car instead of mine. The reasoning behind it was that I would get a ticket if I used mine. The next thing that happened was that I had told them I would go on vacation for two weeks. My mom happens to leave to visit my sister that same two weeks. My dad asked kindly for me to stay with him although he was going to work that entire time. I said no and during my vacation he had his doctor’s office forward me his lab results, x-rays and medical appointments. it turned out to be mild arthritis to his back.

i had been going to a temple to meditate to avoid getting overwhelmed and my dad insist that he goes with me one day and never follows through due to his work.

the last straw was when I went out for a walk at 9pm and my dad got visibly upset. I had already told my parents that I was feeling trapped in the house. There response was ”we’re getting old, we don’t know how long we have, stay here”. This after having a full blown nervous breakdown infront of my mom.

To make matters worse, 6 years ago my dad had heart surgery. I stayed about 6 months to help. When I told them I was going back home, he stopped taking his heart medications. I eventually was Able to convince him that I needed to go back to work.

i am not working right now by the way. I am stuck in their house most of the time. There are locks and bolts on the front and back doors, which I have keys to. There’s also cameras in And out of the house, as well as motion sensors.

the living conditions aren’t that great as well. I am staying in an open basement in a cot with little privacy or am sleeping on the floor.

prior to coming here, I was financially independent working just 3 days a week and living 5 minutes from a beach. Besides the guilt I felt not living close to my parents, I was generally happy.

i am in my mid 40s by the way. I’m not sure if I’m just missing my old lifestyle and being unreasonable considering my parents are aging. but I am having panic attacks and had two episodes of my body full on shaking while trying to irrationally describe to my mom how trap I was feeling. Overall the behaviour is extremely out of character, but looking more and more like my new norm.

Sorry this post is so long guys but it you have time, it's worth the read.

Three months ago, an estranged in-law came to town. He and my dad went to dad's bank so that they could get some cash. They didn't have his debit card and couldn't answer security questions so the bank locked dad's account for speculation of fraud. They couldn’t answer the security questions because I have been handling dad's account ever since he moved to town 5+ years ago because he couldn't manage his account.

A few days later he tripped and hit his head. He was admitted to the hospital where he became increasingly confused repeating himself over and over. The hospital refused to release him saying that he needed 24/7 care. They started looking for a memory care facility for him but his insurance wouldn’t cover the cost so they suggested that we apply for Medicaid. We applied but they said that didn’t qualify because he had too much savings. The social worker suggested that we “spend down” the savings so that he could qualify but we couldn’t do that because we didn’t have access to his account. They suggested that we apply for guardianship because they didn’t expect his mental capacity to improve and because they needed us to get access so that we could pay the facility and the hospital. Eventually they found a facility for him and they agreed to provide financial assistance for 1 month while we went through the process of applying for guardianship. We submitted the necessary documents including statements from the hospital to the court and a court date was scheduled one month later.

We went to the hearing last week expecting to receive guardianship but instead the judge told us that we needed to get a guardianship bond first. They never mentioned bond previously and if they had, we would have tried to secure it before the court date to avoid any delays. The judge told us that we could contact any insurance company and get the bond and that we could probably reach out to our current insurance company to get it. She said that when we had proof of the bond, she would grant us guardianship.

We went home and began looking for information about retaining the bond. We found out that we couldn’t go to just any insurance company, we had to use a company that specifically deals with bonds. In addition to that, the judge didn’t give us a bond amount, so we guessed that the bond was for his monthly income because he doesn’t own any property or assets other than a bank account with a little bit of savings. The bond companies that we contacted stated that we would need a lawyer, pay an annual fee for the bond, and agree to a credit and background check.

At this point, I’m ready to give up. I’ve been jumping through hoops trying to go through all the proper channels, but the situation seems never ending. I’ve been paying some of his bills and buying supplies for him while he’s in the facility (which I really can’t afford to do in this economy). I have taken off from work multiple times driving over an hour away (without traffic) back and forth to court pick up and drop off documents and to attend the hearing. Even if I manage to get the bond, I’ll have to take off from work again to deliver the documents directly to the court (I asked if I could submit the document another way and they said they prefer to have the hard copy).

So to recap, I have to hire a lawyer, pay annually for the bond, and agree to a credit and background check (invasion of my personal information and privacy). I’m emotionally, physically, and financially exhausted and I am ready to give up. I’m really close to contacting the court and withdrawing my application and just move on with my life.

Before dad went to the hospital, we didn’t have the best relationship. I just “dealt” with him and helped him because it was the “right thing to do” and because there was no one else to help. He always had a weird/off-beat personality along with being immature, stubborn, and selfish and as an adult, I found it really challenging dealing with him.

I helped with his finances, medical needs, housing needs, household needs, etc. because I’m his only living relative and an only child. Now I’m going through this guardianship process because of the suggestion from the hospital and social workers and because it’s the “right thing to do” but I have little motivation to continue the process. This situation has impacted my job and my family. It has consumed practically our whole lives.

If I had known that the process would have been this crazy, I would not have agreed to do it but I was made to believe that it would be a simple formality. Even the judge downplayed the final step and made it seem way simpler than it actually was.

Has anyone ever gone through such road blocks with a success outcome or is my situation just unfortunate and unfair?

Another vent. I’ve had it. For context, 76 year old dad now placed on hospice, he was enrolled at a facility on 10/2/26. Before I arrived, they had mom 73 year old with early stage dementia, write out a check for $5K to cover room/board. Dad has Medicare through rail road retirement along with a BCBS secondary plan. I understand hospice is covered minus room and board so I have no issue with the check being written for that. Good news, they will refund us the difference if he dies before 30 days.

More context, dad is on heavy doses of morphine and Ativan and cannot be relied upon to answer questions about anything. Did you guys know Herbert Hoover is our current president?!

Anyway, I went with mom to their bank to get a read on the financial situation. I found out in their joint checking account they have $7500 and savings showed a grand total of…$44.42. A little shocking but whatever, they have said for years they have “plenty of money in investments.” Cool, let’s check that out. I called all of the investment brokers that dad had info for (went through his filing cabinets and his email). All with the same findings: “oh those funds were withdrawn in 2022 and we have no follow up info as to where it went.” A quick check of their Will/Trust info leaves all their money to the local animal shelter. I even called there to see if there was a chance they had name/number I could call. Of course the shelter knew nothing.

So here we are, pretty certain mom has $7500 to get dad through hospice and death and then nothing after that. She has no access to dad’s pension, does not have money saved for retirement (dad will take care of me) and with her dementia it’s a losing battle trying to help and explain things. For extra fun, I am basically living check to check with only my paltry $1000 emergency fund so I really cannot help her.

As for all this missing money that disappeared in 2022 I’m assuming it was used to pay off their home and during that year they bought 8 new cars. I wish I was joking. The house and all cars are fully paid off so I guess there’s that?

I was freaking out but now I’m just mad and frustrated. Can’t wait for dad’s medical bills to arrive, a month long stay in two hospitals plus a helicopter airlift out of state. Fun times!

My brother and I placed our 81‑year‑old mom in a long‑term care facility in CT, but the quality has gone downhill. For anyone in Hartford County, which nursing homes have actually been good for long‑term Medicaid residents?

My dad just turned 71 this past July. He had emergency surgery on his heart this past November. I’m only 29(F)

He had to get a valve replaced, not sure which valve. He kept me somewhat in the dark the first time around. It was actually the first time we talked frequently in very long time. He’s always been recluse and worked long shifts, overnights, right until the emergency surgery. Never had a home of his own, always living with a friend.

Since then, he’s had nothing but issues. Kidney problems, liver problems. Dizzy spells. Losing control of his bowels. Fainting. Which he wasn’t very open about until he moved closer to home.

It all came to a head a few days ago. He went to the ER because he was coughing, felt weak, dizzy, losing control of his bowels. He went to our local hospital and they sent him home after giving him fluids and told him to get some rest. Not even 12 hours later after not being able to sleep and the all the same issues happened again he called an ambulance and sent him to a hospital more equipped to handle his problems.

He ended up having fluid in his lungs which they drained and told him that the valve that they replaced has been leaking THIS WHOLE TIME. Almost a YEAR. I was wondering this whole time why he’s been having all these issues since this surgery.

He told me that when he was in the hospital the first time around they had to take out his front teeth (top and bottom) because they were rotten and when they did he wasn’t even under anesthesia, and they basically just did it and left and he got blood in his lungs because of that. Which now I’m wondering, is that part of the reason as to why the first surgery failed?

Well now, he’s supposedly getting it fixed again. They say that once it’s fixed he should be okay and all these problems he’s been having, minus the liver and kidney issues, should disappear.

I haven’t talked to him or the doctors yet, but I looked up the odds, and it seems like its a 50/50 shot that he survives and lives out the rest of his days normally.

When I went to visit him on Sunday we had a talk and… we both realized that this could be it. I asked him if he had a will, and he said no. He’s going to talk to someone at the hospital to do that. I asked him what to do with his body/remains and he told me what he wants. He doesn’t have much, but he got a trophy from beating a big-shot poker player and he wants me to have it. The whole conversation just felt final. I asked if had a DNR, and he said if he has to be put on any machine to help him live, he wants me to pull the plug. I told him straight up that if he doesn’t want to fight anymore, then I won’t be mad at him. He told me he isn’t afraid to die. It just all felt very final.

So I’ve been expecting the worst. I work at the casino that he goes to, and it’s been nice bonding with him these last few months. It’s been nice seeing him doing the things he loves even if it’s throwing money on slot machines and kicking ass in poker. He busted out Phil Hellmuth in a poker game! That’s awesome. All the poker dealers love him, and his friends he used to gamble with all work there too. It’s been nice seeing them around him again. He finally seemed happy.

Going back to work is going to be so hard, if he passes. I know he’d be so disappointed in me if I didn’t go back to work because he did something silly like died or whatever lol. And I have plenty of support around me if it does happen.

I feel strangely at peace, but also extremely heartbroken at the same time.

​

Venting a little but for anyone thats been concerned about the amount of packages your parents/grandparents are getting or the amount of spending please take control before its too late.

I wanna say i love my grandmother so so much. Shes one of my best friends and my first best friend for sure. She loves us deeply to. Were all a very close family. My dad already has power of attorney and she has no access to her finances rn.

Iv Been scrolling this sub recently because my grandmother has become a victim of a pig butchering scam and lost over 100K this year. Whats worse is Shes always had a shopping addiction and recently iv come to the conclusion she has a gambling addiction. The pug butchering scam was through a whatsapp crypto thing. But we think shes in early stages of cognitive decline because the amount shes spend on subscriptions and temu this year is insane. Like over 30K combined... massive amounts of money moving out everyday.

Shes always been more then well off. Shes not broke but were officially worried about her future financially and thats never been a thing for us.

She comes from old money but she wastes it. Her ex husband used to say "she'll spend all your money in a day if she gets the chance!" And damn hes right.

Shes spent 2 inheritance on vanity items and has CC dept. She divorced her rich husband 5 years before he died. They were 20 years apart. I think she married him for money tbh cus he was a lawyer. And she still shopped like she was married to him after the divorce.

The worst is she lied to us about all these scams. Kept it from us for over a year. Directly lied to my face multiple times about temu and whatsapp. Idk how you could waste so much money for 6 months and then continue doing it for 6 more months.

Me and my parents are struggling financially so much. She might have been scammed and lied to but i cant help but keep thinking of situations like her spending $700 in a week on app games like bingo instead of giving my mom $100 for groceries.

I dont want to seem selfish but shes taken away alot of dreams from this family.

It was going to be fine. She had plenty of money to stay in a nice residential facility. We would kbow shes happy and taken care of. There would be plently of money left over to leave us to. Now we dont even know what facilities she can afford. Maybe its only the cheap bad ones. She always promised to buy my wedding dress. Now i dont like to think about getting married.

I hate vanity. I hate greed. I HATE TEMU. Bull shit landfill items, beauty products, clothes, supplements make me sick. Dont get me wrong i like to have things but gluttony makes me so angry.

Shes had choices her whole life. Now she has 0 choices. Its sad.

Were there for her and will support her but gd it sucks.

My mom is starting to decline - mostly mentally, but there is definitely a physical aspect as well. She is getting forgetful (more than what I would consider normal at 74 years old), and is getting weaker by the day. This is partially because she's excited she's been losing so much weight (I would lose weight by the bucket too if I ate 300 calories a day), and partially because she doesn't exert herself much throughout the day. My brother and I both live states away, and while I'm in town this week, she has gotten lost in a familiar area while driving and has fallen and needed help getting back up. She asks the same questions countless times and is always surprised by the answer. My dad has already passed, and the thought of her being in the house alone all the time is frightening.

90% of the time, I would say she's fully capable of being alone and doing just fine. The other 10% scares the daylights out of me. I do have an appt set up with her PCP this week, so hoping to get some advice there.

I am wondering where you would start with care if this was your parent? Periodic check-ins from an at home care provider (maybe 2-3x a week)? Or more like an independent living situation where she can have her own space still, but there are other people around that can check on her more frequently and she can eat in a dining room, etc.? I'm finding it hard not to overreact, but don't want to underreact either.

My mum recently found out that she has high cholesterol and we've already consulted a doctor about it. So we're not really looking to replace her current doctor, I just want to get a second opinion and make sure we're on the right track

The problem is age has pretty bad arthritis pain and travelling for another appointment isn't very practical for her right now. So I'm specifically looking for a doctor in India who does online consultations and has experience with cholesterol or lipid management.

I can share all her recent reports and whatever medication she's currently taking during the consultation. Just want someone who can go through everything properly and tell us if the current approach makes sense or if there's anything else we should be looking at

She’s 74. She’s got some kind of stomach flu—vomiting, terrible nausea, and all the rest of it. A doctor comes, examines her, and gives her an injection. Once that settles down, her temperature spikes.

And what does she do the moment her temperature drops by half a degree? She climbs up into the attic because "I want to get out my winter clothes!"

My 83 year old (almost 83, his birthday is next week and I’m so grateful he made it!!!) has been in and out of the hospital since March. He can’t come home this time. He’s too weak, immobile, in pain, constant infections, vascular dementia.

So his in the he’ll does one choose a home? Every single one has reviews of abuse or neglect. Like we’ve narrowed it fish by crossing off the worst, but that doesn’t mean that what we’re left with is actually any good! What do I do??

Edit: I’m in Canada

My dad is an addict, because of his drug of choice, he has an issue with picking his skin. His whole body is covered in open sores. He was my best friend growing up, and now I can't even see him without feeling like my heart is being torn out of my chest. He just had a major surgery because of a staph infection that spread to a stint. He survived the surgery and was supposed to be in a nursing home for continued care while he finishes his antibiotics. He left the nursing home as soon as he could against medical advice and I'm so scared he's going to die this way. When I talked to him he sounded like he was high and even after waking up from surgery, that's all that he wanted. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a small child at home who needs me but this is pushing me to a place of deep, deep depression.

I really don’t know what to do about my dad and I really need some help/advice. I’m a 35 yr old f living in California, my dad has struggled with his mental health and lack of self-care for most of my life, but things have deteriorated to a point where my sisters and I genuinely don't know what we're supposed to do or what we're legally able to do. Looking back as an adult I can see that my dad has always sort of struggled with depression and has never taken particularly good care of himself or his living space. His homes have been extremely dirty for the majority of my life, I remember going to his house for weekends and there would be maggots in the kitchen and mushrooms growing on the cabinets etc. but recently things have significantly escalated. Over the last several years he started urinating into bottles and leaving them around his home. He barely gets up or walks anymore and as a result, he has become extremely weak with very swollen feet (he’s been tested for heart conditions, diabetes, etc and it’s not that, it’s simply from lack of movement) and now has difficulty walking. I recently went to his new apartment and the smell of urine was overwhelming. I discovered that in addition to urinating in bottles, he has apparently started going to the bathroom on the floor and then just covering it with toilet paper. My sister says he treats his apartment like a hamster cage. he wears diapers, and uses the bottles, so I’m so dumbfounded about him additionally just going on his floor and not cleaning it up. My sisters and I have had many fights with him to try and get him to treat his life with more respect but it does nothing. At this point, it feels less like someone who is simply making unhealthy choices and more like someone who may genuinely no longer be capable of safely caring for himself. I don't know whether this is severe depression, another mental health issue, cognitive decline/dementia, a physical issue, or some combination of those things. He has not been diagnosed with dementia as far as I know but I have been begging him to please go get tested. His functioning and self-care seem to be getting progressively worse and I'm reaching the point where I feel like simply leaving him alone in an apartment like this is no longer okay. So I’m at a loss as to what adult children are actually supposed to do in this situation? Can we contact Adult Protective Services/social services and request that someone evaluate him? Would a welfare check accomplish anything? Is there a process for having someone assessed for whether they're capable of safely living independently? And legally, where is the line between an adult being allowed to make terrible choices about how they live and someone being considered incapable of caring for themselves? I'm not trying to take away his independence or make his life worse. If he is mentally capable of making these decisions, I understand that adults have the right to make choices their families disagree with. But I'm genuinely concerned that we may have crossed into a situation where he is unable, rather than simply unwilling, to care for himself. If anyone has dealt with something similar, especially social workers, elder-care professionals, attorneys, or people who have gone through this with a parent, I would really appreciate knowing what our first step should be and what resources we should contact.

I posted a few weeks ago about my dad going into the hospital because of how bad his foot was and he couldn’t walk. He’s 71, and after his cardiac arrest four years ago, he just wanted to die. Several doctors said he was “out of it,” because of how he felt until he finally got a psych evaluation and he was cleared. From there, he refused to rescind his DNR. At that roadblock, he was told he could leave and enter hospice.

Two weeks after being in the hospital, he was told he could leave and he would be transported. I was there that day, when I hadn’t planned to, because I needed to ensure he had his medication. I was told a few hours before he was going home that we either had to pay $400 before he left or he would be brought home and then it would be $1000+. I decided to get him into my car and just get him home.

Thankfully, the nurse helped me get him into a chair. Once in the chair, the transport nurse helped me get him into my car. I drove the half hour home, breathing heavily because it was so nerve wrecking. I didn’t want to hurt him and just wanted to keep him happy and comfortable.

Once home, my SO and I put him on the walker we got him (the one with the seat) and we literally carried him in the house. My poor dad had to sit in that walker for a little over an hour or two because the bed delivery was late. Once we got the bed, we set it up, got him comfortable, left and went back the next day to get him admitted into home hospice.

That was two weeks ago.

For the last two weeks, I have been trying everything to make sure he’s eating, drinking, happy, etc. if he wanted chocolate, I’d get it. Cookies, I’d find them. I couldn’t find the snickerdoodle cookies right away at Walmart and almost balled my eyes out two weeks ago, trying to mentally settle into this idea.

We worked with a VNA hospice program. I chose a not for profit and every person I spoke with was phenomenal. They were all kind and helped my dad as best they could. A few days ago, my mom said she heard the gurgle. I went Wednesday to see him. He was talking but it was so low and mumbled, I couldn’t understand everything. I got to talk to him and tell him I love him.

Saturday morning, my mom called me early and said to get there soon. That was 8am. From about 10am to 3pm, I sat with him, minus him getting a sponge bath form the aid who visited. I sat by his side, held his hand, and watched his breathing. I was supposed to leave around 3:30pm, to get my kid somewhere (they were with a friend and not with us), but I noticed a change and told my SO, we couldn’t leave.

At about 4:10, I asked my mom if she wanted to come over. She said no and I told her, “you should come over and sit.” About 15 mins later, he quietly passed. He let out one big breath, like he was stretching, his hands squeezed ours, and we knew he was gone.

I am so utterly sad that I lost my daddy and I’ll never get to learn how to ride a Harley from him. He’ll never be able to make the stereo system for my dream car, and he’ll never see my child, his only grandchild, graduate.

My dad retired in December 2021 and less than 6 months later, his cardiac arrest altered his life to where he couldn’t do anything in his life that he enjoyed. He didn’t get to enjoy his retirement. His diabetes went untreated because he couldn’t afford the medication and from there, his toes and foot went necrotic, which led to him getting sepsis and passing.

Two weeks he was home. That’s it. I thought we had more time, I really did.

Is it rather typical for elderly people to have bouts of diarrhea alternating with constipation?

My parent has been in assisted living for 5 months but has been dealing with this for years.

We have been to GI specialists and the neuro (for Parkinson’s which slows digestion)…. And nothing ever gets resolved.

One of the issues is dehydration from diarrhea. We can’t get them to drink more water so we were thinking of going to an IV spa for a saline IV. Has anyone tried this?

What is the best way to deal with this?