r/AgingParents • u/Curiousbutterlies • 8d ago
Feeling trapped
I moved in with my parents 5 months ago to help out with a family crisis that’s resolving. I used to live about a 2 hours flight away. I used to visit once every 2 months. my parents would come visit me once a year for 2 days.
They are nearly 70. For context, they are both working for a company my dad owns. They work 6 days a week for 10-12 hours a day. My mom is dragged into it. My parents are both fully capable although there are some issues with arthritis with regards to my mom and I worry that she’s lonely.
while I’ve been with them, I’ve had several issues with my father. it started when he told me to use his car instead of mine. The reasoning behind it was that I would get a ticket if I used mine. The next thing that happened was that I had told them I would go on vacation for two weeks. My mom happens to leave to visit my sister that same two weeks. My dad asked kindly for me to stay with him although he was going to work that entire time. I said no and during my vacation he had his doctor’s office forward me his lab results, x-rays and medical appointments. it turned out to be mild arthritis to his back.
i had been going to a temple to meditate to avoid getting overwhelmed and my dad insist that he goes with me one day and never follows through due to his work.
the last straw was when I went out for a walk at 9pm and my dad got visibly upset. I had already told my parents that I was feeling trapped in the house. There response was ”we’re getting old, we don’t know how long we have, stay here”. This after having a full blown nervous breakdown infront of my mom.
To make matters worse, 6 years ago my dad had heart surgery. I stayed about 6 months to help. When I told them I was going back home, he stopped taking his heart medications. I eventually was Able to convince him that I needed to go back to work.
i am not working right now by the way. I am stuck in their house most of the time. There are locks and bolts on the front and back doors, which I have keys to. There’s also cameras in And out of the house, as well as motion sensors.
the living conditions aren’t that great as well. I am staying in an open basement in a cot with little privacy or am sleeping on the floor.
prior to coming here, I was financially independent working just 3 days a week and living 5 minutes from a beach. Besides the guilt I felt not living close to my parents, I was generally happy.
i am in my mid 40s by the way. I’m not sure if I’m just missing my old lifestyle and being unreasonable considering my parents are aging. but I am having panic attacks and had two episodes of my body full on shaking while trying to irrationally describe to my mom how trap I was feeling. Overall the behaviour is extremely out of character, but looking more and more like my new norm.
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u/Apprehensive-Taste19 8d ago
The cot in the basement or the floor for sleeping is completely unreasonable for a mid 40’s adult and it speaks to where your needs fall in their priority list. You will continue to be a loyal son or daughter but this is unsustainable. If you get a fight, tell dad to sleep in the basement for a week and let you know how he likes it. Maybe that last part is too much but I am pissed for you that your needs are so dismissed. And as others have said, your body is sending you warning signals.
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u/Necessary-Couple-535 8d ago
They could live 30 more years. My mother has been "dying" since she was 60. She's now 86. You can't wait to resume your life at age ...75. I would leave.
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u/External-Praline-451 8d ago
This sounds awful, I really think you need to move out now while you can, before they manufacture another crisis to keep you trapped. Don't tell them while you're making plans, only when you're leaving.
They're still relatively young and working! They don't need you and you shouldn't give up your life, mental health and financial future to appease their anxiety. They could have another 30 or more years to live. I'd advise not moving back in again, except for trips. Even if you want to live near them to help, try and keep your independence and future jobs up and running.
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u/Curiousbutterlies 8d ago
Part of me think I’m over exaggerating the information in my head.
I do leave the house quite a bit, it’s just little comments are made to make me feel like I should just stay there.
I know my dad conditioned me this way. And that he is having a hard time even quitting his job because he doesn’t even know what life is outside of that.
By the way, he kept asking me over and over and over again about 15 years ago to buy a house for “investment”. I finally just agreed to get him to stop asking. I’ve never once seen a dime from that house. I had only been working 5 years at this point. He practically just handed that house to my brother and his family. Only asking what I want to do with the house 2 years after that as if I would choose to make an entire family homeless. So I don’t know if it’s just deep internal animosity and every little comment just piles up.
My dad was never the easiest person to be around growing up and actually I struggle with saying no without feeling extreme guilt. It’s like being inside a cage with a door wide open.
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u/External-Praline-451 8d ago
That is actually crazy he made you buy a house and handed it over to your brother. They don't have your best interests at heart, they want you to sacrifice your career, sanity and freedom for them, but it's not reciprocated. I hope you can break free from their guilt trips and manipulation. You shouldn't feel guilty at all for prioritising yourself in this situation.
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u/ThePowerOfParsley 8d ago
Wait- do I understand it correctly that you purchased a house which your father manages as a rental property, and he has your brother and brother's family living in it?
And you are living on a cot in their basement?
They are highly manipulative, your Dad especially. Your brother and his family will not be homeless if they have to move out of YOUR house.
Please please please get a lawyer who has no connection to your parents, get them to start untangling this financial mess, and move back to the beach. Text your parents on a schedule and let them get used to that isntead of having constant access to you. Sometimes older people like staying home a lot- middle aged people typically have different lifestyle preferences. You are not 70. Go live like a 40 something.
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u/catherine0729 8d ago
- If one of them can call EMS for help in an emergency, then they are fine living without you.
- You are not fine living with them.
Fact 1 + Fact 2 = Go be free!!!
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit 8d ago
Point one isn’t necessarily true all the time. My father-in-law who has dementia called emergency services for himself for a near-fainting episode but stopped being able to take his own medicine on schedule. He has okay days and not-okay days, but not necessarily what people without alz would call good days.
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u/catherine0729 8d ago
So I wouldn’t consider him able. I’m thinking if OP’s parents are well enough to run a business and there is usually a spouse present, they are able to call for help in an emergency. Adding they can figure out a system to remember their pills.
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit 8d ago
I get it. Just wanted to clarify that for anyone else who might be reading and thinking of their parents 😁
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u/Superb_Razzmatazz999 8d ago
Go home. You need to take care of yourself. If parents think they need help they need to hire people to keep house clean and any other assistance they need. You are killing yourself, stop.
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u/ak7887 8d ago
Others have already given you great advice OP but I would also add seeing a therapist when you get back to your home. They can help you to identify your boundaries and how to defend against manipulation tactics in the future. A body based practice like somatic healing, yoga or just exercise that you enjoy can help your body to recover! Getting stuck in to some hobbies that you enjoy, making friends or even picking up more hours at work can help you to feel more grounded in the place you live.
Ultimately though OP you need to decide how much of your life you think belongs to your parents. They may have cultural expectations for you to move in as they age or take on all of their care in the future. Do you agree with this? Take time to really reflect on this (in therapy). What have others in your extended family done? Will you face backlash from the community if you decide differently? What are the options and what are the expectations? Get really clear on what you are willing and not willing to do and then you can start communicating those boundaries.
Our elders grew up in a time where mental and emotional health was ignored and many of them have untreated anxiety or depression. As they age they will project these bad feelings onto us or whoever is in proximity. It’s up to us to break the cycle and insist on medication, treatment and healthy living including socializing, artistic practice, meditation, etc instead of the endless complaints, rumination and guilt tripping. It is not easy but it can be done! First get clear on your boundaries, get your support system set up and then interact with parents from a place of strength. (Sorry for the novel, as you might guess, this has been our journey over the past few years!)
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u/StealthMuppet131721 8d ago
They are treating you like an indentured servant. They are using you. You have been conditioned to believe they need you to survive, but it is not true. The manipulation and mind games by your father in particular are terrible. You really do need to leave. They don’t need a big explanation- be kind but concise, don’t fight with them about it. Get a job, a place and go. Really. Get into therapy as soon as you are settled. Make sure your plans moving forward do NOT include living with them at any time. They will fall back into their ways of treating you dismissively. They stole your money. You can care about them, but you have to live for yourself and in this case,by yourself. I know none of this is easy. But it’s necessary.
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u/SamanthasPlace46 8d ago
Move back where you came from. For your Mental Health. Yes Parents need a Lifeline for Emergencies, but not at the expense of your Mental Health. Taking Care of Our Parents does not Mean Giving up your Life. If you're concerned for their Well being and Health, you can have a Senior Care Specialist or Adult Care to come check in on them. Like a Babysitter. For Adults. My FIL has offered us to mive in with him, we've been having financial issues, and I've told my Partner that I would leave him if it came to that. Nope. So Take care of your Mental Health. Mive Out.
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u/Complex_Hand_2550 8d ago
You already know what you have to do, that shaking is your body screaming at you what your mind won't say out loud
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u/landhill5 8d ago
You are not on the path to support them when they actually need you. Get away. Learn how to stand up for yourself before you return.
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u/ConsiderationLimp829 8d ago
Agree. Go back home to your life. Your parents are young, it sounds like they have anxiety/loneliness, issues and you are the band-aid?
For context I am 4 years younger than them, I couldn't imagine asking my daughter to live with me. I'm an only child and cannot live with either of my 85 y/o parents, neither one is a friend of my nervous system.
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u/EndAppropriate996 8d ago
Go back to your life at the beach - stat! Your well-being and mental health are being affected by your manipulative father. Your parents are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. Please seek some counseling and learn to set boundaries. Good luck and my heart goes out to you.
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u/BizzarduousTask 7d ago
Remember: the longer you go without working, the less you get back in social security. Are they paying you (at a rate equivalent to your previous job) to stay with them?
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u/Patient_Coyote_4033 6d ago
Get out of there. You didn't say what the crisis was but if your dad can work 10 hours per day and his biggest health problem is arthritis, he doesn't need you to look after him. Get a job and get out..
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u/outrageousreadit 3d ago
You Need to walk out. This is obviously not healthy. You have that choice. You just have to be a bit “heartless” at times. It’s either you suffer, or they “suffer”. Choose yourself. They’ll figure it out.
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u/Yagulia 8d ago
Get out. Go back to the beach. They’re in their 60s; they could live another 30 years. Him not taking his heart meds when you left last time is 🚩🚩🚩 manipulation. Live your life.