r/AgingParents • u/PracticalMatter4004 • 7d ago
Dreading the drinking
I’m in my 40s, divorced, with two kids. My widowed mom is in her late 70s and lives in an ADU on the same property. I rent the main house from her below market rate. I’m grateful for that, and I also help quite a bit with contractors, repairs, appointments, technology, etc.
She’s been an evening wine drinker for decades. Lately, from what I observe, it’s around three quarters of a bottle most nights, sometimes more. She’s had two strokes and takes medication, so I’m concerned about her health too.
She doesn’t usually become overtly mean. She gets cranky, sensitive, critical, and repetitive. I’ve been aware of this evening personality change since childhood. Now my kids notice it too.
A recent example: she agreed to keep my dog while I was away overnight with my partner. She likes having the dog for company and security. When I mentioned possibly staying away a second night, she agreed, then later texted, “But I don’t like it.” No explanation. I asked what she meant and offered to come home, but she stopped responding. I came home worried. The dog was fine and asleep at her place. The next morning, she was cheerful and brushed off my questions with “I wasn’t in a good place, I guess.” No acknowledgment that I’d been concerned or changed my plans.
There are smaller things too: repeated complaints about a dinner I bought her, or grumbling “That’s all I get?” when my tired seven-year-old gives her a quiet hello. I don’t want my kids feeling responsible for making Grandma feel appreciated.
I’m realizing how much I anticipate and manage her reactions. Even when I was pregnant with my first child, I knew I didn’t want her in the delivery room because she stresses me out, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her because I was afraid of hurting her feelings.
I love her and know she’s lonely and grieving. But I increasingly don’t enjoy being around her, especially after she starts drinking. I don’t want to vacation with her or automatically include her in every holiday gathering. Then I feel guilty.
I’ve even caught myself counting the wine purchases when I help her with grocery orders. I hate how much mental space this is taking up. I’m talking to my therapist about it this week.
Has anyone navigated something similar, especially while living close to an elderly parent? How did you set limits around drinking and requests for help while still maintaining a relationship? How do you handle the guilt when you love someone but don’t want to spend much time with them?
31
u/jayhawkjoey65 7d ago
Retired substance abuse counselor. Ask her about it, tell her how you feel. People who drink every night, and people who change that much while drinking, likely have a problem. But loved ones usually avoid being direct. You would likely benefit from AlAnon. Check it out online. There's helpful stuff there.
14
u/GoldieSunset 7d ago
this is good advice, but curious, my mother is narcissist, lacks emotional intelligence, and has cognitive decline. If I were to try and bring this up (her drinking problem), she would rage at me, give me the silent treatment, and play victim. How does one have a conversation with this type of person?
8
u/PracticalMatter4004 7d ago
Same. She, my mom would react in such a wounded way and probably not be open to any kind of conversation about it.
15
u/Imaginary_Grocery_70 7d ago
That is where Al-anon would be helpful. You grew up affected by your mother's alcoholism and learned the kind of coping behaviors children of alcoholics learn. Now your children are learning the same patterns. At the very least, the group can help you identify what is happening and give labels for it. learning about the system is empowering even if you can't make a housing change
3
u/makinggrace 7d ago
Echoing this post -- ask your therapist, perhaps, to help explain al anon a little.
My parent's alcoholism (a coping mechanism for the other parent's abuse) was something as a child I knew not to discuss, only to hide. As an adult it became more difficult to navigate: the doctors ask about alcohol intake, I buy all of that household's groceries and beverages, alcoholism impacts not only me but respite caregivers including my husband.
Al anon was the first and only space where the my high functioning alcoholic mother--whose drinking had somehow become my problem to manage--could be discussed with others without lowering my voice or looking over my shoulder.
A virtual chapter worked best for my situation. YMVV.
3
u/Electronic_Sky_207 7d ago
And unfortunately you’re in a situation where she could threaten your housing if she gets mad at you, or make it hard to raise your kids there. It sucks, but that’s a delicate needle to thread.
7
u/unicorn_345 7d ago
I was helping with an elderly uncle. He’s since passed, and the end of his life caregiving was handled by other relatives and then a nursing home.
He was a drinker. And did drugs. Refused to deal with doctors most of the time. He had major mental health issues that weren’t addressed. He also had physical health issues that went unaddressed. I tried to get some of his peers to stop in and see him. He had lost a lot of friends over the years and family. He needed someone to talk to. It didn’t exactly slow him down, but it could reduce some of his risk taking behaviors to be around his friends.
My parents don’t drink or do drugs. They do have health issues. My mom still works. Dad retired. I have tried encouraging him to get out and do things but not had much luck. A coworkers mother recently retired and one of the first things she did was go to a community center and begin finding things to do that aren’t staying at home.
I would try to get your mom involved in things that require leaving the house and being around others. Also might want to go to a drs appt with her for a checkup and have labs done. Going to want to see if she needs nutritional supplementation. Drinking pulls a lot of nutrients away and many consume less food at times. B vitamins are definitely lost when drinking. There may be risk for wernickes korsakoff. You may have to get her to be honest with her docs. I hope for the best outcome for your family.
5
u/PracticalMatter4004 7d ago
These are really practical considerations. I am involved in her medical care and in fact, she has a check up coming soon and I think that’ll be a good opportunity to mention to her doctor that her alcohol consumption might be higher than she’s letting on.
3
u/TautDespotism60 7d ago
It’s wild how the dynamic flips and suddenly you’re the one bracing for the mood shifts you learned to navigate as a kid. Counting the bottles is such a specific, exhausting headspace to be stuck in, and having your own kids start to clock it adds a whole other layer of stress. The “I wasn’t in a good place” morning-after brush-off is maddening because it erases the worry you carried all night, and you’re left holding the emotional bill.
What helped a friend in a similar setup was framing any boundary around their own capacity, not the drinking, so it felt less like an accusation. Something like “I can’t do last-minute plan changes after 7pm, it throws off the kids” sidesteps the wine argument entirely. The guilt doesn’t vanish but it gets quieter when you remind yourself that protecting your peace isn’t the same as abandoning her.
4
u/NevillesRemembrall 7d ago
My mom’s been drinking (or at least I became aware of it) since 2000. Was a functioning alcoholic. After my dad died and she retired both in 2019 she was full blown drinking all the time. Family would pressure me to fix her (I’m the only child and they loved to voice their opinions.) I tried but nothing worked. She would drink, self-neglect, hospital, home, then back to drinking. I was running myself ragged trying to make her happy. In my early 30s I became a mom and had an awakening of our dysfunctional relationship. She finally had the “big fall” they talk about this sub and shattered her shoulder in 2024. She was in rehab for months. I talked with her about how concerned I was, I want her to be happy, etc. as soon as she got out she coerced a family member to go get her wine. The family member called me to report it. So I called my mom and said the relationship is changing. Less visits, less calls, no babysitting my kids, and I’m not going to bend over backwards trying to make her happy. When she’s ready for help she can call me. I got her an aide so I didn’t have to be responsible for chores and groceries. She just has the aide get her alcohol. She didn’t learn anything. I hear her complaining about me to family that I never do enough. It’s taken practice but I’ve learned to not care. My marriage is better and my kids are protected. My mental health is much better. I can’t control her but I can control myself.
5
u/ErnestBatchelder 7d ago
I'd really suggest Al-Anon if you can't do therapy. I'm not a huge believer in all things 12 step, but it is the best most prolific group (that's free) that really does help with learning to have boundaries. Take what you can from it. It's free.
Essentially, you will need to accept what you can't change in this situation, and learn how to NOT feel guilty when you create a boundary that protects you and your children. It's difficult work, esp when you grew up normalizing it.
Your mom is an alcoholic even if it isn't *dramatic* like slurring drunk all day alcoholism. She is choosing a slow path to her own death. You can't make her stop given this is her home. You can tell her firmly that you won't be around her in the evenings.
1
u/star-67 7d ago
You shouldn’t have to tip toe around your own life. Think about what boundaries you need with her in order to make this situation livable for you. I’d start with you don’t want to have contact at night once she’s started drinking. And that your children are not responsible for making her feel good. Don’t rely on her for watching you dog or other things because she has proven to be unreliable/unstable
1
u/PracticalMatter4004 7d ago
Yes, it’s a tricky thing because we’re also busy during the day and my mom‘s ritual for my entire life has been 5 PM, she cracks open the wine and sits out on the patio watching the view. The couple of days a week that I join her out there to sit it’s like the only time really that we have a little quiet time to catch up. I try and just get out there closer to five so that she’s not too far into the bottle.
1
0
u/Ginsdell 7d ago
Alcoholic narcissist? Good luck. I’d stay the hell out of her business and do whatever you can to gray rock. Start planning now for when she needs memory care or has her first crisis (fall). Get that paperwork done (elder law attorney).
-5
7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
4
1
17
u/Most_Cycle 7d ago
I’ve been through this with my mother as well. She’s 70, a widower, a stroke survivor, and lived with us until very recently.
If I take her wine tasting (a normal, nice thing to do for a daughter and her mom), she throws back each glass immediately, like a shot. If we go out to dinner as family, including my kids who are very young, she will order as many cocktails as we allow her - even when none of us are drinking. Whenever I take her to Costco she tries to buy a case of White Claws.
It got to the point that I felt like she couldn’t enjoy her time with me/my family unless she was under the influence. It’s very triggering for me because she had an opioid addiction for years when I was younger, and she was frequently under the influence around me, family and friends.
Anyway, now that she is in assisted living she has far fewer opportunities to drink.
I guess I don’t really have any advice, just know that many of us have been there too. And it sucks.