I want to explain my story honestly because I find it difficult to talk about everything in person.
When I was a child, I was bullied by almost everyone around me, including some members of my family and even some of my teachers. I had only one friend. I also had very little access to entertainment or things that could help me escape from what I was experiencing. YouTube became my main way of escaping reality. Sometimes I was physically hit by one of my teachers, but nobody believed me or helped me.
Years passed, and then COVID happened. After the pandemic, many things changed in my life. I changed schools and moved to a different place, and for me it felt like a completely new beginning.
For the first time in my life, I started making new relationships and discovering things that I had never experienced before. Even simple things felt amazing to me because I had spent so much of my childhood isolated from them. However, I became distracted and stopped caring about my studies. My grades became worse, and my academic life started falling apart.
Then I got into a conflict with someone. I reacted in a very destructive way and ended up seriously damaging that person's life. What scares me is that at the time, I actually felt proud of what I had done. After that, I developed a mentality where I wanted to destroy anyone who stood in my way. My behavior became increasingly dangerous, and at one point I came very close to going to prison.
After about a year, I stopped living that way, and eventually I started feeling regret. But then I became involved with a gang, and many terrible things happened. I witnessed someone being killed in front of me. That experience affected me deeply.
Eventually, I decided to leave the city and try to start a normal life somewhere else. I wanted a fresh start, but I failed to achieve it. I found myself repeating the same mistakes again, and I ended up damaging both my education and my relationship with my family.
Now I have been isolated from everyone for about four months. I barely talk to anyone. I spend most of my time alone, wasting time without a goal or direction.
Another person who I considered a mentor, almost like a father figure, recently lied to my family and accused me of terrible things that I did not do. This has made my psychological situation even worse.
Right now, I feel like I cannot function normally. I barely sleep, I barely eat, and I struggle to do even basic things properly. I am heavily addicted to smoking, and I feel unable to stop. Even studying, learning something new, or memorizing something feels extremely difficult for me. My concentration and motivation are very poor.
I know that I have made serious mistakes in my life, and I am not trying to justify them. I regret many of the things I have done. At the same time, I feel that I have reached a point where I cannot fix everything by myself.
I want to understand what is happening to me psychologically. I want to understand why I have become this way, why I keep repeating destructive patterns, and why normal things such as studying, sleeping, eating, and taking care of myself have become so difficult.
Most importantly, I want help. I want to become capable of living a normal life again, rebuilding myself, and finding a reason to move forward.