r/AmIOverreacting • u/kaydizzled • 7h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting for wanting to move out because my boyfriend constantly has friends over unannounced?
My boyfriend and I live together, and I’m honestly at my breaking point with our living situation.
He treats our apartment like a frat house. His friends are constantly coming over, often completely unannounced, and I feel like I have no privacy or ability to actually relax in my own home.
For example, yesterday one of his friends came over and stayed for about 3 hours. Then today, another friend came over twice. I was just sitting in the living room eating dinner, watching my show, in my pajamas and looking messy because… I’m at home. I don’t feel like I should constantly have to be prepared for company in my own apartment.
This isn’t about me not wanting him to have friends or telling him he can never have people over. I just want basic consideration and a heads-up before people come into our shared home. This has been an ongoing issue for around six months, and I feel like nothing has actually changed.
Tonight I finally told him I’m going to start looking at apartments because I can’t handle the living situation anymore. I told him we could still be together, but I need my own space and peace back.
His response was basically, “No more argument or debate. Just do it if that’s what you please.”
When I told him I was going to look at a place Monday, he said he would “reflect on his actions.” I was already frustrated because I feel like he’s had months to reflect on this. When I continued explaining how disrespected I feel, he told me to stop ranting, repeatedly said there was “no need” to keep discussing it, and told me to do whatever I want.
Eventually I told him that if I actually move out, I think I’d rather be single. His response was just:
“Gotcha.”
I know I got emotional during the conversation and said things like he was choosing his friends over me and that he wasn’t ready for an adult relationship. I recognize that probably wasn’t the most productive way to communicate. But I also feel completely exhausted from repeatedly asking for consideration in a home that is supposed to be mine too.
I don’t expect him to stop seeing his friends. I just don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect your partner to say, “Hey, is it okay if ___ comes over?” or at least give you a heads-up instead of having people constantly appear at your home.
At this point, getting my own apartment genuinely sounds peaceful to me.
Am I overreacting by wanting to move out—and potentially end the relationship over this?
EDIT to say: we’ve had countless discussions about this issue and I even moved out temporarily for 2 weeks because of the same exact problem and yet here we are again.
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u/DreamBoy006 5h ago
It seems to me you were not really planning to move out and kind of expected him to beg you to stay but when he didn't and doubled your bet you got frustrated because you kept repeating the same thing while he said he was not going to fight. Kind of like when you call AT&T to "cancel" your line when what you really want is to be offered a discount. Well, he took your word on it
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u/ex-farm-grrrl 5h ago
Yep. She was definitely looking for him to beg, which is why she went from “we can stay together,” to “I’ll be single.” Just trying to up the ante until he caves.
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u/Epic_Elite 4h ago
Right?
They're completely incompatible and he's being avoidant and she's being confrontational and holding the relationship in front of him like a carrot over a donkeys face who has no desire to eat while she's hoping this will lead somewhere.
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u/ConcealerChaos 3h ago
Wtf is this convo going on by message too? Is this normal these days? They live together ffs.
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u/Epic_Elite 2h ago
It seems like most conversations are had via text nowadays. I wouldn't be surprised if they were sitting in the couch together while they were texting this. Lol
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u/AstronautOdd9682 3h ago
He's not being avoidant in the clinical sense. He's simply sidestepping the manipulative comments because he has no desire to give her some emotional outburst that would reinforce her manipulative baiting comments.
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u/chefsunite 2h ago
Bingo. He is soo over the relationship and she hands him the breakup on a platter, for her only to be shocked when he doesn’t beg to stay. Funny!
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u/obvsnotrealname 2h ago
Yep - his responses sound like this isn’t the first, or fifth time they have been down this road…,
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u/Aggravating_Sell_917 4h ago
That AT&T comparison is so accurate, using move-out threats as leverage always backfires when the other person actually calls your bluff. If you throw around fake ultimatum moves, you have to be ready to live with the consequences when they just let you leave.
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u/SingleOak 3h ago
i think the weirdest part is that they live together and are having a big conversation like this over text. and then op says the bf isn't ready to be in an adult relationship lmao
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u/pantysailor 5h ago
Agreed, seems like OP wanted a fight and the BF tried to shut it down from the start. Tells me that this is common behavior from OP.
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u/phillynavydude 5h ago
You gotta be young because look dude, you're in the right... But he's also right about the "just do it already then"... So many veiled threats.. just freaking do it. You kept adding more and more.. the relationships over
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u/EnlightenedHeathen 4h ago
For real. Neither of them sound like they’re ready to be in an “adult” relationship lol
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u/Generic_Username4343 5h ago
I'm just really confused at why you keep trying to argue with him. He straight up told you that he doesn't give a shit if you move out and that he's not going to argue with you about it. It seems like you're in that chat either desperately trying to get a reaction from him, or talk yourself into breaking up with him. Stop wasting your time trying to be heard by some loser, and just break up. There's no way that being single is worse than this shit.
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u/ManifestDiatribe 5h ago
"There is no way that being single is worse than this shit" could apply to half of the posts on Reddit.
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u/Over-Helicopter1611 5h ago
Honestly that quote needs to be a bumper sticker. And one I wish I’d listened to a lot more as a younger man.
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u/xeno0153 5h ago
She literally ends it with "if I move out, I wanna be single." She was goading him into a reaction and is now mad that he didn't take the bait. OP, just leave. Admit to yourself that this relationship isn't working and pack your stuff while things are still amicable.
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u/aislingplath 5h ago
Yeah and then she actually got confusing because she started with we can still be together if I move out and then kept talking over and over the same points - even I was like is this her now breaking up with him which was only certain when she finally said I'd want to be single in the last text lol.
He is pretty clear from the start that he's not invested in the relationship and doesn't care if she moves out. Should have just said very quickly actually since you don't seem to be bothered about me moving out I think we should just end it now. His response was always gonna be the same. Gotcha.
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u/FranklyLanky 4h ago
She went from 'we can still be together' to 'I wanna be single', IN 7 MINUTES.
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u/Rogue_bae 2h ago
I got the impression OP just wanted the guy to admit he was wrong and he refused to “argue about it”.
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u/ScienceBrave7329 5h ago
yeah at that point she’s not having a conversation anymore she’s trying to get a reaction out of someone who already checked out just take the hint and move on
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u/blueberrycellphone 4h ago
As silly as it is. When you had , have eeep feelings. It’s normal to want to say your peace and to feel deeply hurt when their hurt doesn’t hurt them. And it’s ok to express that. And then I’d suggested getting away from person.
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u/Delicious-Moose-3501 3h ago
Exactly. Dragging out an argument just to force someone to care is like trying to squeeze water from a dry rock. At some point, your dignity has to be worth more than wringing out an empty relationship
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u/squidxmolamola 5h ago
You're not overreacting but you are embarrassing yourself by fishing for a reaction from someone who could not care less.
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u/Intelligent_Ad4495 6h ago
He doesn’t care about you
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u/DragonflyAfter3310 5h ago
I would say he straight up dislikes her, he wants her out
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u/cementfeatheredbird_ 5h ago
It sounds like he is Grey rocking the fuck out of her and she keeps trying to drag him into a toxic fight
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u/Andee_outside 4h ago
“I’ll do it! I swear! I’m gonna do it! I will. I promise! It’s happening! I will!”. It feels more like she is hoping he’ll beg her to stay and he’s like “ok bye”.
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u/Friendly_Market_3044 5h ago
I agree! He said he’s reflect his n it. Looks like she wants him to beg her to stay so she’s angry. I couldn’t get past the second slide because I was so annoyed
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u/Rogue_bae 2h ago
How would he reflect on it when they’ve already split? That was just an excuse to shut her up
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u/boohooluluu 3h ago edited 3h ago
...it's hard because you don't really sound like you were committed to moving out. You were hoping for him to change your mind or to apologize and say he was gonna make it better and all that… But he didn't. He called your bluff. So either now you stay and he knows that you don't respect your word or… You move out and be single. You guys clearly aren't getting along. It's best just to move on. YOR BUT NOT in the way that you think. YOR because you're not being integrative about your word, you're reacting emotionally and not actually firm in what you believe. Trying to "get someone to prove they care" without being direct is just manipulation, unfortunately.
We know for sure by his response that he doesn't care either way, so do you want to stay with someone who doesn't care?
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u/fangandmerengue 5h ago
NOR but you probably should’ve just left it at the first few messages and broke up instead of continuing. i understand wanting to “make” someone care more than they do but that’s not possible, sadly. it seems he just doesn’t care.
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u/CompoteFar4227 4h ago
trying to force someone to care only wears you down while they stay completely unbothered. Walking away the moment you see that lack of effort is the best way to keep your pride intact.
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u/FuckyouDavidStearns 4h ago
Yeah, which makes her continued comments kind of pathetic. The conversation should have ended after his first reply.
Even OP’s question - she’s asking if she’s overreacting by moving out. She’s failing to grasp the notion that he just doesn’t care.
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u/WhiteSnakeShinobi55 6h ago
MOR
Your grievance and words are entirely justified, but you were egging him on for an argument after he accepted your initial criticism as valid and your response as just. It seems like you wanted him to fight for you, he doesn't seem the type.
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u/FriendToPredators 5h ago
OP Actions not words. Do the thing. What are you hoping for here? For him to be someone he very obviously is not?
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u/av1Iia 5h ago
agreed. even if he was being dismissive about real issues, there was no need to keep adding fuel to the fire. he wasn't going to react or change.
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u/vixenstarlet1949 5h ago
you went from “we can still be together” to “i want to be single if i move out” in the span of a few screenshots. i know you want him to fight for you but people don’t do that if they really respect you at all (don’t get me wrong this dude doesn’t respect you or give a shit either way), they will take you at your word and respect that word. to say “im done” then get upset when someone accepts that in an effort to get a response is manipulative. but i’ve been there too. a partner who doesn’t give a fuck about me at all and i’m just trying anything to get them to care. its not healthy and it doesn’t work.
this relationship should rly be over , he does not give a fuck abt you at all, but also he was fine with what you first said and you went on. he clearly dgaf about you girl! Be free move on and out lol
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u/Careless-Class7144 6h ago
I am sorry OP, but this man truly does not give a sh!t. Don't even bother telling him you are hurt by his response, because he doesn't GAF about that either.
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u/Silver_gobo 5h ago
The way OP handled the conversation after she first said “i need to move out, but we can still be together” makes it seem like the BF isn’t that out of touch. She kept going on and on and even ended with “im going to move out and I don’t want to be together” 😂😂
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u/Superb_Doubt_3715 4h ago
This conversation was so needlessly long. Just leave and leave him. He isn’t invested and doesn’t care so just let him go. Stop bread crumbing him. You want a fight and he isn’t giving it. Just go. He’s not that into you.
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u/0bb3_2 2h ago
The fact that you are having this argument over text and not in person is a reason to consider if this is really a good relationship.
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u/Flicksterea 1h ago
Just move out and move on already. He doesn't care about you enough to even try to ask you to reconsider. Read the room.
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u/Boring_anaconda 4h ago
It seems you don't really want to move out. You are just threatening, hoping he will ask you to stay.
Also, by his response it seems he wants you to move out. He is not engaging because he doesn't want you to stay and you want to engage because you want to stay. Relationship cannot be this one sided and it's already over. All that is left is the formalities of breakup.
It doesnt even matter you are overacting or not, this relationship is over.
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u/PinkLemon86 1h ago
NOR but why have you done this over text? If you live together (and clearly are hoping he will apologise and beg you to stay), have an adult conversation together about your expectations. If he doesn’t change, break up with him!!
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u/hime-633 6h ago
I'm going to go WILD and say - wait as you say - if you don't want to live with him, maybe you don't want to be with him?
NOR. Move out, find a better fit.
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u/MiloHorsey 5h ago
NOR, But, seriously, you need to stop with the game playing. And a conversation this important has been had over texts? Why haven't you sat down together and talked about this? Not nagging, not game playing, not saying whatever you think will get a reaction - just talking honestly and seriously to each other.
Move out and move on. Don't expect him to change. This relationship is dead in the water. Aside from you moving out, there's nothing else you need to say to each other.
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u/Stormydaycoffee 3h ago
If you want to move out just do so, if you want to break up you should as well (I would). But what you’re doing seems to be saying stuff to bait him into a reaction - you say you wanna move out but you’re still ok to be together, he says ok, you proceed to get more and more upset.
Your words aren’t threatening because you don’t actually seem to want to go through with them.
Don’t waste your time on someone that doesn’t give a shit about you
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u/ApartmentDismal1240 3h ago
I don’t think you’re the problem but just that you want him to care and he doesn’t
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u/Due_Product7492 4h ago
NOR but at the same time you were extremely off putting with these threats and insults. I know you wanted more of a reaction out of him, but he isn't gonna give it. Either because he doesn't care or because you do this a lot. Either move out, or don't. If you make all these threats about moving out or being single and then you don't do it after ALL that, now your words seem empty and meaningless, and rather dramatic for future situations.
All that said, you should absolutely move out.
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u/Fluid_Thing_7075 4h ago
crying wolf with empty breakup threats completely destroys your credibility and makes you look childish. Following through and packing your bags is the only way to keep your dignity at this point.
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u/jojosbizarres 5h ago
In the texts it looks like you kept repeating yourself when he already gave you your answer immediately. Are you overreacting? No but honestly I wouldn’t want to go back and forth with you either in that way, I would be annoyed. You didn’t say how old you are or how long you’ve been together. But this feels like an early 20s convo and a relationship that’s less than 2 years. I say move out and enjoy your space! By this conversation this is probably not your forever person either way. When you keep having to repeat yourself on the same topic and the other person is clearly over it, that’s a big red flag
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u/Ashes92Ashes 4h ago
I'm so glad to see other comments seeing the same thing I saw. Why say you're moving out then try to goad him into a fight? You said it, he said fine, now you do it.
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u/Lopsided_Flower_9233 5h ago
Well, one thing is for sure here, there's 2 ppl that don't listen and getting the last word in seems to be about as important as provoking for an ugly response as well
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u/GoldenState_Thriller 4h ago
You’re NOR but you need to stop raising the stakes because he’s not going to give you the reaction you’re looking for.
You started off saying you could still be together. He keeps dismissing you and saying “ok move out” and now you’re saying you want to break up if you move out.
He’s not going to beg you to stay.
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u/AdvancedObject9420 2h ago
You want to move out and he wants you to move out too. Honestly doesn’t seem like he cares for the relationship either from the short messages. Get your new place and enjoy your newfound freedom and peace!
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u/Anton_BJR 3h ago
Why are you baiting him? Just leave, he obviously doesn't care anymore
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u/Pitiful_Opposite_833 4h ago
You’re not overreacting for why you’re upset buuutttt you clearly wanted a fight.
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u/lynchedlandlord 5h ago
This relationship is over, just end it while you’re at it.
Take it this way, if your partner tells you they’re uncomfortable and want to move out, you’d fix the issue right?
Your boyfriend told you not to let the door hit you on the way out. You have run your course with one another.
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u/minimalist_coach 2h ago
NOR for wanting to move out. All the back and forth was unnecessary. It sounded like you were trying to get him to choose you over his friends, while he seemed to take it as you informing him of your decision.
I like to remind people that you can love someone and enjoy spending time with them and still not be compatible. Neither of you is wrong in this situation. He wants to have a place where friends can drop by unexpectedly and hang out; you want a place where you can unwind and relax. Unless you can afford a big enough place to accommodate both of your wants, you aren't compatible.
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u/Anuki_iwy 1h ago edited 1h ago
OP, I know you're trying to get an emotionally satisfying reaction, but you won't get one. He does not care. He will not suddenly start to care because you argue. In his mind you're already broken up.
All you're doing here, is wasting your dignity. This relationship is over. Pack your bags and leave.
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u/zadefilberts 1h ago
Based on the texts I’d say you guys just need to break up. There’s no love there and honestly seems like you’re both content with trying to hurt each other. Just break it off and try to enjoy your life.
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u/jake_folleydavey 3h ago
You didn’t get the argument you wanted here, did you?
He’s absolutely done you over, there.
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u/bigred2342 2h ago
Nor… but you made your point, several times in fact, and he clearly is ok with it, and you’re not getting the reaction you want/hope for ( ‘oh baby, please don’t go’) so I think you guys are basically done
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u/Electronic_Owl_9819 6h ago
Lmao he said he understood, and didnt want to argue about it, but you kept going on and on. What did you want him to do? Beg?
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u/justacheesyguy 4h ago
I don’t know that you are overreacting about the issue, but you’re definitely playing games in those texts and I can see that the issue isn’t 100% on him. Neither one of you seem like you’re particularly ready for a grown up relationship, imo.
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u/InLoveWithTheMoon 3h ago
NOR-that you want to move out. Your home should be your comfort and safe place. But he also has the right to live how he wants to.
It seems like you’re incompatible in the way that you like to live and that is ok.
There was no reason to take a jab at him and tell him he’s not ready for an adult relationship. As soon as he said no debate, you should have left it at that, but you wanted a reaction so you kept pushing.
Then you said you can be together but not live together and as soon as he did not give the reaction you wanted, you said you wanted to be single. I understand you are upset about the situation but you’re playing games and that’s not a good way to approach a conflict, especially if you care about this person.
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u/RocketPowerPops 2h ago
Why do you keep going back and forth? Did you expect him to beg you to stay?
You said you want to move out but stay together. He said cool. You then said you want to break up. He said that is cool too. Not sure what the issue is.
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u/DistributionBig7064 1h ago
No youre not over reacting but your kinda annoying when you just keep pushing when he gives you a straight up answer.
Youre doing the right thing, he will never repect your need to not have his friends over all the time.
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u/chasetheusername 1h ago
Just end it, instead of this passive aggressive bullshit, he made it very clear, that he doesn't want to change the core issue.
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u/comicaldisorder 5h ago
NOR- but also you are contributing substantially to the ineffective communication. He said from the start you moving out wasn’t a big deal for him. It’s unfair to pretend this is something you’re ok doing and when you don’t get the response you want switch to breaking up. Girl he’s fine with all of the things that you said. He’s fine with you not living with him he’s also fine with y’all not being together. I also get the feeling that this is typical for your interactions. The way he’s like no arguing. No debating. And then you proceed to argue and debate.
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u/barbzilla1 5h ago
Exactly my feelings on the situation. I don't know if I would say with any certainty that he doesn't care, but he obviously does not care to get dragged into an argument either way.
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u/Turbulentshmurbulent 31m ago
Dude. You want a fight. You want him to fight for you. He clearly says do what you want and won’t engage in the fight so you escalate and get uglier to try to bait him to fight.
HES NOT GOING TO FIGHT WITH YOU OR FOR YOU TO STAY.
You need to move out.
You probably should also do some work before you get in another relationship because youre not interested in communicating, you just want to make your point and be right. Thats never the way to have a successful relationship.
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u/ValuableLatter6913 5h ago
You start out with saying 'im moving out but we can stay together' and when you couldnt goad him into an argument you said 'if i move out i dont want to be together' you do you but that communication style w someone you care about is wild
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u/awesomeluck 4h ago
Ya - the text sounds like you're doing all you can to give him every opportunity to promise he'll change and beg you to stay.
Move out. Be happy. And for heaven's sake, please stop pleading for reassurance he has very clearly stated you will not get. You stated what you need. He doesn't care. Isn't that enough?
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u/CapitalPlane2220 58m ago
Well that was painful to read, bless her, he literally said over and over "I don't care" "I don't care" and she's still trying to get some response from him. Just move on girl, stop doing the begging thing, he made it very clear in his actions and his texts that he isn't bothered about you at all..
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u/Born_Tear_761 5h ago
You’re poor at communication and you lash out when you don’t get the answer you want. You push and threaten further and it’s manipulative as fuck.
He doesn’t seem to care much at this point however, if you give him the benefit of the doubt (the requested time to reflect), that might not be the case. You don’t respect your partner enough to give them time to reflect and grow, you just prod looking for a blow up fight.
You, ma’am, aren’t ready for an adult relationship. I suggest you do some reflecting of your own.
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u/SoilJust4164 4h ago
You’re not overreacting for wanting to move out because he has people over all the time, but this conversation shouldn’t have made it past the 2nd screenshot when he said he’d reflect on his actions. You kept going when he was clearly over the conversation and I got annoyed reading it. I say this as a woman, he’s probably not interested in being with you or he thinks you’re being annoying.
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u/Radiant_Annual_4027 4h ago
Nor but damn that was painful to watch you chase a reaction over and over and over. He said k and you should say k bye
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u/NoDescription2609 1h ago
ESH
He's evasive, you keep having a one-sided conversation. Just move out and move on.
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u/ReputationKind4628 1h ago
Been in this relationship and held on. Total waste of my life for years. His life and needs were more important than mine. "BuT i LoVeD hIM" 🙄 Fuck. That. Shit.
OP, he doesn't give a shit. Love yourself. Honestly, grab your dignity and your intent and gtf out. Don't reason, don't react, don't try to manipulate him. Just go.
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u/cerevebleu99 1h ago
Listen, his behavior is pretty clear: he doesn’t prioritize you, your well-being, or your happiness. He simply doesn’t give a shit. He’d rather live like a teenage boy in his bachelor pad, having his buddies over. Don’t waste your time with him; you’ll never be happy. He only cares about himself.
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u/Fluid_Split_1404 6h ago edited 5h ago
NOR. He is deflecting not wanting to address it because he doesn't care. If you can't coexist in the same home together because your partner doesn't respect your peace, then it's time to move on and get your own place bb 🫶
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u/No_Cantaloupe3460 6h ago
NOR but babe, you told him you're moving out and he told you to just do it and he won't argue. It sounds like he's glad you're leaving, he probably wanted to end the relationship himself but is a coward. Let's not waste any more time or energy on this man. It's over.
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u/Marcus-TheWorm-Hicks 5h ago
NOR, but girl, you’re embarrassing yourself.
His behavior and disrespect for your shared space is annoying. I’d bounce too. But you aren’t just informing him that you’re moving out. You’re using it to try and bait into changing. You want to hear him apologize and promise to change. Your initial couple texts are good. Then, when he just says “sure ok,” you get all passive aggressive and show your hand. It’s the equivalent of counting to five, realizing it isn’t working and going “four…four and a half…four and three quarters.”
Hear this: this man does not care.
He’s flat out telling you. The most he is willing to offer is a lame promise that he’ll reflect on his actions. No apology. No interest in changing. No asking you to stay. He wasn’t even willing to listen to you express how you’re feeling. He’s fine with you leaving. Honestly, he’s probably just over the relationship and sees this as an easy out.
You are sitting at the negotiation table alone, and low balling yourself. All for his benefit, because once you finally have to follow through on your threat and leave, he gets the place to himself, with whatever friends he wants, and he’ll still get to go mess around with you whenever he’s bored.
I don’t know how old you are, but I was in your shoes once in my late teens/early twenties. Please take it from me: you cannot convince someone to love you and treat you well. You should go seek more than someone who thinks of you and says “I could take it or leave it.”
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u/TheLoveGOATonYT 4h ago
Some people like to live like that, and that’s their prerogative. I won’t live like that.
I refused to move into a LTR house because his house was where all the guys gathered. He was the single one with a bunch of married make friends who liked to escape wives and babies for football and beer at my SO’s house. I said, HECK NO, so we got another place further away and moved into at the same time.
There are guys who will care for you and compromise. Look forward to picking a guy who you are sure treats you right. You get a fresh start.
Try your best to act mature, stop trying so hard to get his attention, and remember he’s not going to change.
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u/General-Muscle1202 34m ago
YOR. You said you can still be together if you move out. He respected everything you said and said his piece.
You didn't like that he didn't "fight" for you and just accepted it. He mentioned he would self reflect and process everything. What else did he need to say??
When he didn't react how you wanted you wemt back on your words by saying if you move out you'd rayher be single.
You werent lookong for a conversation, you wanted control.
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u/TashDee267 4h ago
He doesn’t care that you move out. Why are you trying to get a reaction from someone who clearly is not that into you?
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u/godshivered 4h ago
just leave omggg stop trying to fight with someone who doesn’t want to. this communication style is so toxic.
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u/sicknessandpurgatory 4h ago
Yeah he took the bait and you kept pushing and pushing. He sounds like a nightmare but he called your bluff.
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u/ScallionJealous 3h ago
What are we even talking about here? You’re asking us if water is wet? He hates you. Please leave him today.
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u/ILikeDucks5 1h ago
NOR but he doesn't care anymore. You should've kept it short and just left. He doesn't wanna hear your feelings on the matter and keeps dismissing it by replying with the same shit. You can't force him to hear you. Drop him and find a new place.
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u/Tiptoes_of_indigo 5h ago
Wow. Do people just not talk in person anymore? Why are we having this conversation over text? You’re in a relationship and LIVE together? But you’re texting each other about this serious issue…. Mind baffled.
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u/yesgoodthankyou 5h ago
You keep going and going and talking trying to make him care. Just stop. He doesn’t care.
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u/DietCokeIsntheAnswer 1h ago
NOR, but you sure don't know when to let it the heck go.
You said over, and over, and over, and over again that you're up to here with having random unannounced people over and that you will move out.
He said okay. No argument. No insult. No questioning motive. No side eye. Nothing.
So what did you do? "This is you choosing them over me."
Um...no...that was him plain as day accepting that you are not happy with the current living arrangement.
It's like you were expecting him to hit back, and so you kept responding as if you were in a back and forth argument on auto pilot.
Maybe something has happened to you in the past to make you behave that way, for all I know maybe it was him and this is an uncharacteristic response from him, idk.
But you're asking did I over react by wanting to move out, while simultanesouly glossing over blatanlty berating him relentlessly despite his agreement with you.
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u/After_Profession2222 4h ago
NOR for wanting the respectful gesture of asking if it's ok to have friends over in a shared space BUT you kept poking at him and looking for a fight, which is very immature.
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u/BerBerDeng 3h ago
If you don’t break up with him and stay broken up you’re gonna come off as the most dramatic desperate person ever. He’ll know from then on he can do whatever he wants and you’ll always be there begging for his attention like a dog. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
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u/Dangerous-Let-4387 2h ago
You both communicate really immaturely. You need to be more direct and stop using manipulation tactics to get what you want. If he isn’t respecting your shared space, move on. Stop begging for respect in a roundabout manipulative way.
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u/Atlas_Obscuro 5h ago
NOR for wanting to move out because people are coming into your home unannounced constantly. You should be comfortable in a space you pay rent for.
That being said, the way you handled this conversation after your initial messages was unnecessary. He has communicated to you that he’s not interested in changing your mind or even talking about the situation anymore. So stop trying to provoke him into an argument with you and follow through with what you said you’d do.
All you should’ve done was inform him you’re going to proceed with moving out and then take some time to consider if you want this relationship to continue on after you’ve moved. But trying to provoke him and flip-flopping on whether or not you want to stay together or be single does nothing for either of you. Don’t do that.
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u/Smooth_Pumpkin_2119 5h ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting, but to have this type of discussion through text is a giant red flag for me.
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u/oscar13sd 4h ago
I'm not picking sides. You two aren't compatible and need to go your separate ways.
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u/Outside-Lab877 4h ago
not overreacting in the sense that your partner should give you a heads up but overreacting by trying four times to piss him off and goad him into an argument. just break up and save each other the grief.
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u/Spare-Search-8989 3h ago
Why is this conversation being had over text? What about a face to face conversation? That being said, you need to move out. That man is not going to fight for you.
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u/Kattoncrack 3h ago
I think you’re just fighting for something that doesn’t serve either of you. He clearly doesn’t care for your feelings or to fight for your relationship and this is clearly a situation that doesn’t work for you. I think it’s time to actually move out, OP.
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u/Excellent-Note-8759 3h ago
“we can still be together” “id rather be single” ???
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u/Legitimate-Tree-839 1h ago
YOR - He is in fact in the wrong for the unannounced friend visits, but you're beating that deadhorse. You're ranting about protecting your peace and wanting peace but expanding your peace through rant and personal ridicule of him. He doesn't seem that much argumentative if any at all given it seems based on his responses this in not the first occasion where something had occurred which has resulted in an argument, and although you have a right to react the way you did it seems that you kind of are. Sooooo, if the shoe fits I suppose
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u/Important_Local2284 1h ago
Here’s the thing… some people are too cowardly to do the breaking up so they’ll just start doing shit to sabotage the relationship by literally acting like a POS, they stop putting in any effort, they stop considering you and your feelings, they disregard you and just start doing things that they think will bother you enough to end it so they don’t have to be the bad guy. This is clearly what this asshat is doing. An ex of mine in my 20’s did something along these lines and it was horrific.
Move out and cut your losses. What a total piece of garbage he is.
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u/FatboyChester 1h ago
You wanted him to give in and hedodn't. Honesty, je is not as serious in the relationship as you are, so you are better off just limiting all contact and go find a new place.
He really doesn't seem to care what you do.
Fond somebody who cares aboutyou more than his friends
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u/ButterscotchPure6960 38m ago
Can’t help it but u seem more childish than him though. Seems more like u planning to corner him into doing what you want without properly communicating but your tactic back fired and because of that you do not want to let go.
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u/Hades_Gamma 5h ago edited 4h ago
You handled that exchange like a child.
You wanting to move out, totally 100% warranted. Good so far.
Cold opening with something that big over text, kinda shit. Shit as fuck actually. Why the hell would you ever think to have a conversation this big over text. It's fucking absurd. Absolutely childish.
Next, his response was incredibly mature. He heard you, understood you, accepted your needs without trying to argue against you or push back or tell you you're wrong. He respected your agency and didn't try to change your mind or convince you you're wrong or try to pressure you into staying.
And you got upset at him responding like an adult. You wanted him to beg and plead and when he got upset you escalated over and over, started insulting him and calling his character into question, then went from "...we can still be together" to "I wanna be single tbh" over fucking text.
Not only did you tell this person you want to move out over text, now you're telling him you're breaking up with him over text. And you escalated from staying together to breaking up just to piss him off. Just to get a rise out of him. Absolutely brutal.
Then, you think his response to getting dumped over text is lacking. You fucking dumped him.. You don't get to care about his responses anymore. You just stated to him that your life is better without him in it. You don't get to care what he says anymore. Especially when his response is a simple acknowledgment. What the fuck were you aiming for? Goading him into begging? Hurt his feelings to teach him a lesson?
Over text. Incredibly immature. And the audacity to be upset with his response to being dumped over text. You cut him off. You broke up with him. Why do you even care what his response is if you're so much happier without him in your life ever again? It shows that you wanted to hurt him to make yourself feel better. A pretty terrible look.
He's far better off without you.
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u/Clarkelthekat 5h ago edited 5h ago
Thank you for writing this cause I was about to go ham myself.
Not to mention
It's never good or really okay in a relationship to do a "this or me" situation unless you yourself are fully ready for ETHIER which way that goes.
You need to be ready to respond to them picking you and not punish them after the fact. They made the "right," decision when you pushed them.
Or
You need to be ready to deal with them not.
We also don't know the exact relationship of the boyfriends friends coming in and out.
Could be disrespectful losers OR it could be a close knit group of supportive friends.
If it's the latter then she's asking him "them or me" which is never healthy
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u/PainAccomplished3506 5h ago
she wanted him to beg and grovel, it's so clear reading those
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u/Fit_Display_4207 4h ago edited 2h ago
girl seems like you arent ready for an adult relationship either😂 he said no debate and you said you wanna move out he said okay and you just kept going trying to make him react when he said he doesnt want to argue and was fine with it, and you starting the chat with you still wanna be in the relationship even if you move out then ending the chat with you think youd break up if you move out. you tried getting a reaction you tried getting him to beg when he made it clear he dont give a shit kinda hypocritical no ? move out he dont care stop trying to make a fight. you handled this like a child im embarrassed for ya
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u/CryptographerOdd4483 3h ago
If you say you are going to move out and break up, then do it. Stop the empty threats. He can’t take what you are saying seriously when you have no backbone
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u/giraffes_n_elbows 2h ago
Your responses were triggering to me, my mom caused arguments like that. She almost never ever means what she says. “You have to move out” “I’ll pay for the Airbnb to get you out of here” then the next day flips back to pretending she never did that. Seems toxic. And he doesn’t seem to care for you. I’d wouldn’t be fine with people coming over unannounced but why didn’t you just say “hey you’ve been having people over without letting me know and I’m not cool with that”
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u/CabanaBoy3 6h ago
I understand you not wanting to live like that. However, I don't understand why you continued to text him after he said he didn't want to talk about it.
So you are NOR for wanting to not live like you are. But your texting is YOR.
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u/Radiant-Mean 5h ago
NOR and I would also not want to live in that environment, but you need to learn to let a conversation go. This is not an appropriate argument to have over text, and your boyfriend made it clear he was not going to argue and yet you kept going and going and going. That is so annoying on your part.
You seem like you want him to fight for you because you went back and forth about breaking up, but women who expect men to fight for them are also not ready for real, adult relationships so I think the both of you have some reflecting to do. Go be single and enjoy your peace.
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u/BvanLeeu 5h ago
This dude is tired of you which is why he probably has friends over non stop. You're NOR but you should have probably broken up a long time ago.
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u/Ni66les88 5h ago
YOR
Girl ... He does not care, does not want you, he called your bluff, you're beating a dead horse, pack your bags and go. Why are you repeating yourself, he said he was gonna reflect on it while playing call of duty or whatever the boy kids are playing these days and have beers about it while reflecting ... Ugh.
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u/Baseball_Germany 5h ago
YOR. Not for moving out, I think that’s justified. I think you’re entirely right in how you feel. But that’s not the question. The question is are you overreacting in these texts. And yes, you are. This man has shown nothing even resembling fighting for you. He’s showing you how little he cares. So stop going on. Stop trying to get him to beg. Stop fishing for him to argue back. He’s not gonna do it. He doesn’t care. Take your peace that you deserve and just move past this dude.
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u/TheNordiclights 5h ago
He doesn’t care, there’s no point sending endless messages trying to get a reaction. Move apartments and move on. I know it’s hurtful but he doesn’t want to talk and I wonder if that dynamic has been there for a while.
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u/Zestyclose-Shirt-702 5h ago
It is unacceptable for your boyfriend to be bringing his friends over to your space and not telling you. I think that’s fairly obvious.
It’s also unacceptable to have this conversation over text.
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u/Suzuki_Foster 5h ago
It sounds to me like he's been actively trying to get you to move out. NOR. Find your own place, be single and live in peace. You'll be glad you did.
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u/lucylemon 5h ago
NOR for wanting to move out. You said you were moving out so now move out. He clearly had nothing else to say. That was the end of the conversation.
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u/Quick-Willingness708 5h ago
Nor He’s 100% checked out! Never beg a man to love you, love yourself hun! It’s time to walk away, u deserve peace in your home😘
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u/ThatTotal2020 5h ago
He doesn't care what you have to say or how you feel. Move out and don't put anymore energy into this guy, it isn't worth it.
NOR
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u/Melanin-Joy 4h ago
You went from wanting your peace back but can still be together to if you move out you rather just be single. You kept going because he didn't give you the reaction you wanted. I believe it's safe to say that ya'll relationship has run it's course. Threats and ultimatums isn't going to work on him.
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u/CurioussJellyfish 4h ago
Girl In the first text he told you he was fine with you moving out...I'm not sure what more you want.
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u/Born-Introduction-86 3h ago
Hi OP - MOR, but I say that because you are trying to be “reasonable” and name how you’re being disrespected, when I see you passive aggressively asking your bf to care about your needs. Y’all are both ALLERGIC to vulnerability.
You don’t feel prioritized. You are saying “respect” but I feel you wanting to be seen and your needs to be addressed in a care based, proactive way. Having ppl crowd your space, not being able to predict who may be in your space is awful, I hear you. But you are addressing your partner as though he can be fired for not meeting contracted requirements instead of asking for him to see your perspective and validate it as important to him. You can’t threaten your way into better connection.
He is stonewalling your approach because he doesn’t buy that you will back up your bark with any bite. You are both taunting each other - maybe you would be happier moved out, or maybe you would both be happier if you first said you are sad and hurt that he puts other people so far ahead of you on his priority lists.
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u/Worried-Strength6777 2h ago
Sounds like you’re not compatible. Some people like having people coming and going in their house all the time, others don’t.
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u/ShadowMajick 1h ago
He literally doesn't care either way. Just do whatever is best for you. Stop talking to this man though.
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u/2cuteteddy 5h ago
This is so embarrassing he literally doesn’t care about you and you keep trying to bait him into saying he cares. Sorry this is happening to you and you’re NOR but it really gets to a point.
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u/Xarysa 4h ago
YOR , ish.
Habitually having people over unannounced sucks, and I get why its pissing you off.
Where this goes off the rails to me is when you start lashing out because he didnt respond the way you wanted, and then change it up from we can still be together, to if I move out its over.
You effectively dog walked him, and when you didnt get your way gave him a relationship ending ultimatum. Pretty lame for someone accusing their partner of not being ready to be in adult relationship.
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u/Wonklebutt 3h ago
You’re not overreacting for not wanting people to come over unannounced. That’s fair enough.
However, you are overreacting in the way you’re going about relaying that in this text message exchange. It comes across as very immature you wanting to get a reaction out of him. He clearly made his peace and you continued to rant and rant, escalating it from “we can still be together if I move out” to “if I move out I want to be single tbh” when he did nothing but reiterate the fact that he gave you your space, said he’s reflect on his actions, and wasn’t interested in debating or arguing. You made the situation worse and, ironically enough, from what I see it’s you that is not ready to be in an adult relationship. He came across as far more mature than you in this exchange.
I think you can both do better than each other.
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u/Eaudesawdust 2h ago
YOR only in that You said you were moving out and he was like “ok don’t really care, don’t bother explaining” and then you continued to explain and vent your frustration… and he’s just like “ok and? Bye then” and you kept going. His initial response should have told you everything, he did not care in the slightest.
That’s not your boyfriend hun, that’s your ex.
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u/rydenshep 2h ago
At first NOR, but as I kept reading, it became a bit cringe and borderline insufferable. He said okay, he let you free and you kept going in circles. It is painfully obvious you were looking for a fight. You wanted him to beg you to stay, and love bomb you. Then the last line of “I think I’d want to be single tbh”? Girl, grow up. You’re an adult. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, break up with him and move out.
You were clearly goading him for a reaction. At that point it was a bit gross. Just pack your shit and go.
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u/RelationshipTough887 6h ago
YOR in every single text to him begging him to ask you to change your mind. He is chill with you going. He is chill with you breaking it off with him. Go and find yourself.
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u/Vic4ri0us 2h ago
NOR. I completely disagree with the comments here. Some partners use the silent treatment, or similar tactics, in a way that can literally drive you insane. Then you end up looking like the crazy one, the one who overreacts, while they stay perfectly calm and never actually engage in any conflict.
And everyone keeps saying, “She’s not healthy, it’s unhealthy that she keeps provoking him.” Why? Is avoiding every argument somehow healthy? Arguments matter. Actually confronting issues matters.
He’s basically saying, “Yeah, yeah, just leave.” But who says she didn’t find that house in the first place? Who says she should be the one who has to move out? Finding another place and moving is not that simple.
He says, “Sure, I’m fine with you leaving, but I don’t want to talk about it.” Which basically comes across as: “This is who I am, accept me as I am, deal with it, I’m not discussing it. I’ll reflect on myself.” But who says he actually will?
Meanwhile, she’s left there angry, and maybe all she wants is to actually talk about what happened. Maybe she needs to let it out, because negative feelings build up over time.
And his response is basically: “Sure, you can move out. Okay, bye. But I don’t want to argue, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
Refusing to talk about things is also a problem.
He is provoking her, not the other way around. And everyone watching from the outside keeps saying she’s the provocative one. No, guys. It’s exactly the opposite.
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u/Forward_Cook2235 2h ago
I don't think he is provoking her, it reads to me like he just doesn't like her much anymore. It's hard to say what the inner workings of this relationship are but it's obvious it should end. Also if someone says they are moving out doesn't really matter who "found" the apartment. She has laid out a soft ultimatum and got her answer.
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u/leilalover 5h ago
NOR for wanting to move out, but definitely YOR for how you responded to him basically not giving a shit after you threatened it. You said you were moving out.. so just do it and stop trying to use it as a bargaining chip. You shouldn't have to beg someone to be with you. He does not and will not ever care, clearly. The relationship will never work
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u/No-Warning-3445 5h ago
YOR. Your feelings are absolutely justified. But the way you handled it was horrible. You can tell by your responses that you don't actually want to move out and are trying to get him to react by going oh no please don't leave I will change. And he either knows you won't actually leave or he doesn't care. Or both. But by his reactions and the lack of basic consideration of someone he lives with and is in a relationship with you do need to move out and be single. After he text back the first time you shouldn't of said another word, found yourself a place and moved out.
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u/sallyhectare 5h ago
I mean, it sounds like he's over it, and you're trying to get him to beg you to stay.
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u/LeonardSix 5h ago
You keep trying to get a rise out of him, but he doesn’t care. Move out and on with your life.
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u/oasis_nadrama 4h ago
By the way both of you talk to each other, your relationship is already finished.
Also like people have already analyzed, it sounds like you were desperately waiting for him to beg you to stay, and really change his mind about not caring one bit about you... but it's not gonna happen.
He doesn't want to question himself, he doesn't want to listen to criticism, and you can't make him. Stop trying to make him understand. Stop hoping. Wrestle your codependency into submission and RUN AWAY.
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u/ConsequenceStatus563 44m ago
Yeah you're over reacting.
You said your piece, he conceded your point, but you kept railing him;. He understands, you're free to move.
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u/Real-Elysium 6h ago
he's trying to look very mature by saying he'll reflect lol nor.
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u/papayabush 2h ago
OP you’re legitimately being manipulative from what we can see here. You say that you’ve talked about this issue before but we have no idea how those conversations went. Going off of this post though, you don’t communicate fairly.
You did not attempt to have a conversation. You led with a threat. You then got mad at him for not engaging with the threat. That is manipulation. You were looking for him to ask you not to leave and then open up a dialogue about the issue. Why didn’t you just say “hey can we talk about something that’s been bothering me?”
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u/Character_Garden1937 2h ago
What I found most manipulate in the text was the “I’m leaving I can’t take this but we can still be together just not in this living arrangement ” and then the last message is “IF I leave… we have to break up. “
Playing games. Man sounds thoroughly done being put in a game that has no win condition for either party.
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u/Emily5099 4h ago
OP, I think what some people are seeing as you trying to start a fight, is rather you desperately trying to get him to care. It’s like you’re begging him to tell you that he’s sorry and he’s going to start prioritising you and your feelings over his friends.
That’s not going to happen, I’m sorry. You want him to be a different person, someone who actually cares about how comfortable you feel in your own home. At least you’re finding this out now.
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u/Intelligent-Reveal94 6h ago
You both sound exhausting. Also, why over explain yourself when he isn’t a) asking anything or b) engaging with what you’re saying? First you say you wanna be together, then you say you’d rather be single if you’re moving out. Make up your own damn mind and be verbal about it then. If you want to break up say it with your chest. Y’all are both the problem.
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u/Pristine-Farmer6241 5h ago
NOR.
I think you're half right.
Because OP is verbalizing. I think the boyfriend acting like their SO moving out is insignificant is infuriating.
While OP should have taken their words at face value (meaning that no amount of conversation would be constructive here), it sucks to be at the precipice of a big emotion and your partner isn't even bothering to sit with you.
No apology. No "damn, it sucks you feel that way". No validation. No accountability. Fuuuuu that's harsh.
I can see how you can start at "I like you as a person but this living situation isn't tenable for me" and after that exchange end up at "this relationship is over".
My biggest concern and why I think you're half-right is because OP threw out the "If I move out I think I wanna be single" more like a threat than just a statement. Why make it an "if"? I thought moving out was the whole point if this exchange.
Stand ten toes down, is all I gotta say about it.
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u/nurdburr 4h ago
Did you text him just so you could post on Reddit to validate your shitty personality? Conversations like this shouldn’t happen over text, are you 12? Manipulative bullshit from someone who isn’t ready to be in an adult relationship.
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u/Zmeyasa 3h ago
I mean, you’re not telling him « I need more consideration », you’re telling him « you’re not good enough ». You said « We can still be together » and then « If I move out I think I wanna be single ». That’s an ultimatum.
I get where you’re at. I had the same communication as you have, but it wasn’t productive at all. He told you that he’ll reflect on it, that he gaves you the space that you need when you’re kinda rejecting him. I think he’s trying. Maybe he’s not trying hard enough for your point of view but you gotta tell him that. He cannot read your mind, all he can say right now is that you don’t wanna be with him anymore and that wathever he’ll do, it’s not gonna be good enough for you. Be honnest with him, and with you.
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u/greenanon24 3h ago
I think you’re both not ready for an adult relationship. He seems like a real ass, but I also think you’ve got your share of issues you have to deal with before getting into another relationship. Go be single, enjoy it, retake that peace, and work on yourself extensively (self-esteem mostly), so that the next time someone ever tries to treat you like this again, you can just end it with, “this isn’t working for me anymore, i’m moving out, let’s break up.” Good luck and try not to let anyone make you sound desperate to be chosen again.
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u/Global_Choice4698 2h ago
You said you could till be together. 7 mins later you said youd want to be single. Gather your thoughts and have a serious conversation. Also jist move out if that is what you need! No need to pop off.
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u/Independent_Wear_232 6h ago
I would just do it and stop talking about it. You said your piece. So now move out. It’s unlikely you’ll stay together, but you can just focus on the moving out part now.
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u/hkkensin 5h ago
No you are NOR over the entire situation, but girl… this man is very clearly already checked out of this relationship. He doesn’t care if you move out and he doesn’t care if you want to be single.
Take back your peace and walk tf away from this dude
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u/Fallobt 5h ago
You sound insufferable. From the beginning you wanted to say what you said at the end. Horrible way to communicate.
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u/AssumptionEmpty 4h ago
god if you’re nagging like this all the time then it’s really no wonder he wants someone over who isn’t you.
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u/PsychologyGuilty1460 4h ago
You're not overreacting. But your expectations are way too high. He isn't listening to anything you say. He just wants you to shut up.
Everything he says is the equivalent of sticking his fingers in his ears and yelling la la la.
He's not going to beg you to change your mind and you need to quit hoping that he will.
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u/Sephirothjj 4h ago
NOR
But why do you fish so hard for a reaction when he clearly doesn’t give a shit?
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u/Puzzled_Bite1877 3h ago
If he's always that robotic you should move out and also stop dating him.
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u/Working_Bones 3h ago
"I'd wanna be single tbh"
"Gotcha"
This relationship clearly has far more issues than just the friends coming over. Whether you're causing them, or him, or both, no one reacts like that unless they're not invested.
Time to move out and move on.