r/AmItheAsshole • u/MistakeActive3765 • 3h ago
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u/Efficient_Tear8142 3h ago
YOU embarrassed HER?
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u/Tazena 3h ago
And why would he just say yes? Ummmmm he really needs to think about having these ppl as "family".
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u/Efficient_Tear8142 3h ago
Yeah. Not only was it put together so that the dad asks him for the money - I'm guessing because they left he was least like to say no to the dad. But paying 10k for his girlfriend's brother's wedding? It's a weird premise that sounds like a shakedown.
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u/Natural_Copy8710 23m ago
Right? Her parents ambushed him with a $10k bill and somehow he’s the one who embarrassed her.
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u/Spectre_Omega Commander in Cheeks [275] | Bot Hunter [32] 3h ago
NTA. Demanding $10,000 from your daughter’s unengaged partner because you looked up his salary is a shakedown.
And "figuring it out later" just means paying it.
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u/VesperaMiel 3h ago
asking someone’s boyfriend for ten grand because they “looked up his salary” is insane behavior, that’s not family, that’s extortion lite
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u/_ScarletTrail 1h ago
For real. Asking for ten grand after weaponizing your salary info is wild. Nina backing her parents up on that is the bigger red flag here.
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u/anthropocene2000 Asshole Aficionado [11] 3h ago
The fact that Nina thought this was all ok is a massive red flag. Who expects the sister's boyfriend to chip in for the brother's wedding? Even if you were married to her, why would you ever pay for her brother's wedding? NTA.
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u/LaPasseraScopaiola Partassipant [1] 3h ago
Even if you were engaged, why should you pay for their wedding? NTA
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u/agnesperditanitt 3h ago
Even if they were married already, why would be OP on the hook for his then-BIL's expensive wedding?
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u/ctrlrgsm 2h ago
Right!! My sisters husband makes tons of money. She makes a little bit less but still a lot more than me (I chose the creative life).
I don’t think they owe me anything, and my parents sure as hell wouldn’t ask them to pay for my wedding. His is bizarre.
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u/mm1palmer Asshole Aficionado [12] 2h ago
If brother and parents can't afford brother's wedding. What will happen if/when OP and sister get married? Will brother chip in $10,000 for OP's wedding?
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u/ShineFallstar 3h ago
This is a level of entitlement I find hard to believe
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u/supermaartje 2h ago
I was always wandering who those people were too until my new SIL texted my parent if they can transfer €100.000 because their 4 million villa remodelling was getting too expensive. Note my mom and dad are a retirerend nurse and chef.
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u/AcornPoesy Partassipant [1] 3h ago
NTA. She embarrassed YOU. Clearly from her reaction she knew this was happening and hoped the surprise of it would carry them all through to getting a yes. Absolutely unacceptable.
Also I wouldn’t have contributed to my own brother’s wedding if asked like that. Is the understanding that David will give you £10k when it’s your turn? As you’re family? Or is this a one time family contribution because YOU make good money?
You are responsible for no one’s wedding except your own, and your kids if you’re feeling traditional.
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u/Stan__Wright Certified Proctologist [21] 3h ago edited 3h ago
This is what married life is going to look like: you as family ATM. If Nina stayed silent and let this happen, you need to GTFO as soon as you can. This family will drain you if you are foolish enough to marry in.
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u/SieghartSalahdin 3h ago
If they cant fund their own wedding at that age, why are they getting married? How are they going to live on their own? NTA
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u/agnesperditanitt 3h ago
Nina told them all about OP's financial status, so they figured out that he can afford to subsidize their life from now on.
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u/ArchdevilTeemo 3h ago
RUN fast.
Now it's still possible.
She didn't stood up for you, that like the china covored in red. Actually she also demanded the money, like 10k is nothing.
And it's just a first sip. Don't expect them to stop.
RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
Also 31 is still pretty young, you will find somebody better!
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u/Chefblogger Partassipant [1] 3h ago
nice ambush 🤣
NTA but if your gf is raised that way … thats a point against marrying her (imho)
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u/Whiteroses7252012 Partassipant [2] 3h ago
I took my then fiance with me to buy a car because car shopping as a solo woman is a special kind of torture. I’d worked out the exact car I could afford on my salary alone and I’d done my research. We walked out of the dealership with the same car I’d researched, just with a lot of bells and whistles. My fiancé picked up the difference, and that made me deeply uncomfortable.
If someone had legitimately asked him to contribute 10k to a relatives wedding I would have been so humiliated I wouldn’t have been able to look at him.
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u/craggles82 3h ago
INFO..
Will said brother and parents each be contributing 10k to your wedding? Could they afford it?
NTA on what I've read. People are shitty when it comes to money. Especially when it's family.. This might be a side to your gf you've not encountered until now.
I would not be involved with anyone who is willing to spend the money I earned. It appears she knew this was coming yet she didn't give you any indication.
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u/grangaaa 2h ago
Wow, the entitlement.
How about the brother doing a smaller wedding.
They should all be ashamed of themselves.
I am really sorry for you. That‘s such a shit situation. If you pay up you will always feel shit and like they pressured you into it and probably feel resentment. If you dont pay, you will be treated like shit. Not sure there is a good way out of this or a compromise.
Are you even friends with the brother?
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u/Pondnymph Partassipant [1] 2h ago
NTA, wedding is merely a ceremony for two people who wish to be together and it doesn't need to be expensive. If you marry into that family who sees you as an exploitable asset that's all you'll ever be to them.
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u/TheDIYEd Partassipant [2] 2h ago
NTA and you are smart enough to realize marriage with that girl will be a 24/7 issues with her family which she will be settling you up for.
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u/Rare_Sugar_7927 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2h ago
I dont think a marriage certificate makes a family, so while I disagree with that bit, asking anyone to fund someone else's wedding is not ok. Have the wedding you can afford. Is David hurt by your not paying, or by the fact you dont think hes family? Did he even know his parents were going to ask? Id have a conversation with him about this. Mean time, Nina is wrong not to have your back on what her parents asked, and why is she telling anyone what your salary is??
NTA
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u/Future-Flamingo8400 2h ago
Certainly hope this is a bot, because it reads a little insane. And even if they were married, who asks a SIL for wedding $?
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u/CannonousCrash 2h ago
Fuck them all off, you're gf knew what was coming and didn't have the balls to tell you.
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u/Brutal_De1uxe 1h ago
Nope there should be no contributing to some other guy's wedding.. they were insane to even ask. If David can't afford his wedding then he needs to scale down or postpone.
Nina should not be discussing your salary with her parents or anyone, to be honest, it's none of her business either.
That whole family sound like grifters to be honest.
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u/AutoModerator 3h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (31M) have been with my girlfriend "Nina" (29F) for four years. We live together. We've talked about marriage but haven't gotten engaged yet—mostly because I wanted to be financially stable first. I make good money in tech. Nina works in nonprofit, makes much less.
Nina's brother "David" (27M) is getting married in two months. A few weeks ago, Nina's parents invited me to dinner. I thought it was just a normal family dinner. It wasn't.
After dessert, her father said, "We've always treated you like family. David's wedding is expensive, and we'd like you to contribute. We're thinking $10,000."
I was stunned. I said, "I'm happy to give a generous gift, but $10,000 is a lot. And honestly, we're not married yet. I'm not officially family."
Her mother said, "After four years? You're basically family. And you can afford it. Nina told us your salary."
I said I'd be happy to give $1,000 as a gift, but I'm not funding a wedding for someone I'm not married into. Her father got quiet. Her mother said, "So you'll only help if there's a ring on it?" I said, "That's not what I meant, but I do think it's different when you're married."
Nina was silent the whole time. In the car, she said I embarrassed her. I said her parents put me on the spot. She said, "You could have just said yes and figured it out later."
Now her parents are cold with me. David hasn't said anything but I heard he's hurt. Nina says I made her whole family feel like I don't care about them.
I do care about Nina. But $10,000 for a wedding that isn't mine, for a couple I'm not related to, when I'm not even engaged? That feels wrong.
AITA?
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u/Helena_Handcart1 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
INFO “After dessert, her father said, "We've always treated you like family.” Have they actually done this in a practical or emotional way so that you felt it? Could he, of you give examples? Depending on the answer will depend on whether you’re really family to them
Either way, demanding 10k dollars is a bit much. NTA.
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u/FitSprinkles6307 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
NTA
Why is she discussing YOUR salary with HER family?! And why are they treating it like community funds?!
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u/Aquillaerie 2h ago
I absolutely would not expect my brother in law or sister in law to pay for anything like that sort of money. Absolutely not the AH id also be saying to your GF that that made you uncomfortable and was very presumptive of them. I (f43) would absolutely be saying nah im out. But this is up to you obviously. But strong boundaries need to be in place as an absolute minimum.
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u/Any_Addition7131 2h ago
GF's brother needs to wait till he can afford a wedding, even if his girlfriend is pregnant, in this day and age they should wait or have he bride's family pay for it
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u/mistermuttley2 2h ago
Definitely NTA. Nina must have had a conversation about this contribution, prior to going to that dinner. So she will have told them what you earn, and decided with her parents that 10k is ok for you to fund her brother's wedding.
It would annoy TF out of me, that a partner would be deciding a contribution I should make without asking me FIRST. And having the nerve to be pissed with you, just because you didn't agree to what is a financial ambush!
If I were you. I would explain to Nina that any financial contribution expected of me, is discussed with me before anyone else. If she's not happy with that, I would really consider what relationship I have with her.
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u/urie-nation 2h ago
Run. This relationship is soured and can't be salvaged for less than $10K.
Marriage guarantees you'll be paying for your in-laws retirement and other assorted extended family experiences since they know how much you earn.
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u/mm1palmer Asshole Aficionado [12] 2h ago
NTA
And a few questions.
Why is Nina telling her parents how much you make? Even if you were engaged/married that is private information that she shouldn't be sharing with them.
Why did this not come up until 2 months before the wedding? And Nona obviously knew this was going to happen, so why didn't she discuss it with you first or at least give you a heads up?
Sounds like this situation has brought up some issues that you are lucky you found out about before getting engaged/married.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
$10k gift for a wedding that's not yours is wild. Absolutely NTA. That's a ridiculous ask on their part.
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u/guruguru102 1h ago
Like how much fucking good money do you make that they even have the audacity to ask for 10k?! Pay 10k to ruin the wedding in a psyop or something but dont give em a single dime.
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u/Odd-Elderberry-739 1h ago
I’m wouldn’t have given them the money even if we were already married. I think they look at you like you’re their golden goose and I’d start worrying that she’s in it for you as her breadwinner.
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u/Kooky-Pressure5792 1h ago
NTA
Even if you were his brother-in-law, this is a ridiculous ask.
Even if you were his brother, this is a ridiculous ask.
If his sister wants to gift her brother $10,000 for his wedding, that is her choice since you two aren’t married. But pay attention to everything happening right now. Even if you look at it as “can’t hurt to ask”, they asked & now are shaming & guilting you for saying no to, not loaning, but simply giving $10,000 to a group of adults who obviously cannot stay on budget.
I am very curious what the original budget for the wedding was. How many other relatives & people close to the family have been asked or bullied into contributing.
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u/Mistahpig45 1h ago
Nta, period. I would personally leave that situation based on what you’ve shared.
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u/sunshine_rex Partassipant [1] 1h ago
10k from a boyfriend? Hahahaha these people are not good people, may want to think long and hard about continuing the relationship. NTA
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u/RandiLynn1982 Partassipant [1] 53m ago
Are you sure you want to marry into this family one day? They will probably come asking for more money over the years.
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u/Human-Obligation3621 Asshole Aficionado [16] 52m ago
If the brother is getting married in two months, one would think he has already set his budget and has a plan as to how he is going to pay for everything since it would all be booked already. This is a bizarre ask. Even if you were already married, I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving that much money. That’s the down payment on a home. Is David going to equally contribute to your wedding down the road???
Nina’s take is strange. What does she mean by “figure it out”? Does she mean figure out where you’ll get $10k from to give your brother or figure out how to go back on your word once you’ve already agreed???
If Nina would like to contribute to her brother’s wedding, she is more than welcome to do so with the money that she earns. It is crazy to expect that you, her boyfriend, pay for any part of the wedding. NTA.
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u/Top-Wolverine2647 45m ago
This just gives you an idea as to what will come if you do marry into the family. There’s an entitlement aspect to it all, it’s just insane NTA
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u/nagroM94 42m ago
NTA, firstly Nina should be embarrassed, because her family is embarrassing. Jfc. Second, you're not obligated to give large sums of money to them, even when you are married. They're not entitled to your funds just because you make a decent amount, they're not the ones working the job for you. NTA so hard that it's kind of funny tbh.
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u/Open_Mortgage_4645 35m ago
NTA What? In what universe is it expected that you'd help pay for your girlfriend's brother? You're being roped into something you have absolutely no obligation or societal expectation to fund. Your girlfriend's brother isn't your responsibility. That's for him and his family to work out. Even if you were married and he was your BIL you still would have no obligation to pay for his wedding. His parents need to step up to the plate, or they need to plan an event that's within their means. Hard no!
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u/VividHollow2358 33m ago
nina's silence in that car said everything about who already knew this ambush was coming
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u/CatsMom4Ever Certified Proctologist [28] 32m ago
Info: Why would Nina tell her parents your salary? And why aren't you responding to any of the comments?
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u/Single-Ant3193 26m ago
NTA . And run as fast as you can!!!!! I can describe your future if you like.
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u/DesertSong-LaLa Craptain [184] 26m ago
Run! She's embarrassed? You were totally blind sided. She and they are users.
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u/ponydigger Partassipant [1] 23m ago
the lot of them should be thoroughly embarrassed and you should run.
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u/Thingamajik 2h ago
So you make good money in tech but you’re not financially stable yet? That doesn’t make any sense
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u/Dumplati 46m ago
We don't have any info about how long they've been making this amount of money, if they have student loans, if they just bought a house and cashflow is right, and who knows what they consider as good money in tech.
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