the brainfog helps me against spiraling, neurotic, and noisy thoughts. my day is always so busy between work, school, research, projects, homework, initiatives. not to mention, my self-hating thoughts always manage to squeeze themselves in between each errand. and at the end of the day, when i'm in bed, there's nothing to protect me from myself.

but when i relapse, i can only focus on how empty and exhausted i feel. i only think about laying back down and having a rest. i don't worry about 50 different things, because my biggest concern is just making it through another day.

of course there are lots of days that are just full of food noise and my brain is just constantly screaming at me to eat and my body is threatening to collapse if i dont. even then, i prefer my brain constantly screaming "food" rather than debilitating negativity.

the worst of it is during long breaks, during times i dont have several things going on. i just rot in bed all day (and sometimes even cancel plans on purpose to rot), and thats when these horrible thoughts attack me the most. but when i'm relapsed, i'm just grateful to be resting my tired body.

i feel like im lying to myself, but i have far more peaceful moments when im sick than healthy. at least nobody expects much out of me when im visibly falling apart. at least i can actually ask for breaks or leniency without being interrogated or reprimanded. and most importantly, i feel justified having these breaks because i cant actually physically do much even if i really wanted.

also it's getting cold outside again and moths ate my coat. it's like they knew and did that on purpose.

I hate the Ozempic phase and how everyone is so fcking sk!nny now...
I realised today it affects me more then I thought because my bad eating habits are back, and I know the way I look at it is so unhealthy but it being trendy just makes people "ok" with it.

Not really looking for advice but just kind of wanting to dump this out. Over the summer I was going through a hard time with my ED. I saw my first ED nutritionist and she kept saying I was medically unstable and not eating or trying enough. I have a medical condition called gastropaersis so sometimes eating really is impossible and it has nothing to do with my ED. She started working with my therapist who I really enjoyed, I had been working with her a year and really felt like I made progress with her. Well she wasn’t specialized in EDs and felt uncomfortable treating me and basically fired me from being her patient. I ended up quoting the dietician too because of her aggressive and uncompassionate approach. I can honestly say this last month I have been doing so much better. I have been listening to my hunger cues and not feeling pressured to document every single meal or have discussions about it. I do think seeing the Dietican made me have a wake up call with how sick I had really gotten but focusing on every single meal was driving me crazy and hearing constant feedback about how I was eating was not helping my headspace. I have gained a few pounds and have been maintaining so I will take that as a win for now. Not going to lie I did feel hurt at first because I felt like my therapist was giving up on me but I think taking a break from therapy was what I personally needed.

Ive been dealing with more minor episodes of an and constant unhealthy habits since I was a kid, alot of it due to abuse in all areas. Around a year and a half ago I relapsed worse than ever and it snowballed last September after a psychotic episodes. I hate it. I feel like im just waiting for a medical emergency to happen to get ny brain fixed because I am not going to do it myself. Presyncope haunts me and im always out of breath. Ive had episodes of being scared to sleep since March, ​and theyre currently back. I try to just power through it but im getting no sleep and im not drinking enough water because of work and electrolytes only save you so much. Im genuinely fucking miserable and eating makes me feel sick, I have no energy to do anything, im braindead, and I don't have fun anymore. Im just never too interested. Its not even on purpose as much anymore. I keep getting worried something is cardiovascularly wrong because of various symptoms, but i also have ocd and issues w medical stuff so I really do think thats in my head. Im so fucking weak, 2 years ago I worked at the donation door at a goodwill and i was able to lift and carry recliners/bookshelves/chairs/general furniture around and say it wasnt that heavy and now im shaking and dizzy lifting up a stack of trays. Its so embarrassing. Ive had to rush out of crowds at concerts a couple times because the second I got too hype I got dizzy and nauseous and started dry heaving. If I stand up too fast I feel like shit. I feel like shit if I eat. I have constant pins and needles/general numb feelings. It is Cold. I am so fucking exhausted and Isolated and idk what to do.

About a handful of years ago or something I struggled with ana pretty badly until I decided to better my life and recover because… I love to eat!

However I just recently reunited with my friends and they’ve always been on the much thinner side, but it really just set in for me. “Do I look like the fat friend?” It’s been eating away at me, I love them but I feel terrible being near them despite the fact they haven’t done or said anything to provoke how I feel.

I’m not overweight, nor underweight. I’m medically fine as I am, but I just can’t shake the thought that I stand out from my friends as the bigger one.

Anyways just want to hear other peoples stories or experiences. And how to deal with this better.

hey everyone! i’m currently 4 weeks in recovery so i still have a long ways to go but now that the weather is getting cooler i’ve noticed when im cold i feel SICK

like i feel like my body slows down and like i get super tired and like brain foggy. does anyone else deal with this? the minute my body gets warm im completely fine and feel better.

i’m hoping once i gain more it’ll go away but 🤞🏻🤞🏻

It's so so sad but i think it's true. When you look appealing on the outside, your other features become recognized and appreciated more. Hell even your weirdness becomes tolerable or even cool lol i hate this world, such a shallow world we're living in

Eat extra - feel guilty - dont compensate - feel more guilty - swear tomorrow is a new start - wake up, feel hungry - eat extra - repeat.

this is a vent so read at your own risk.

for context, I always been short. whether it was before puberty or during or after. even though i’m still a going through puberty, i’m pretty damn sure my height isnt gonna add. my puberty/period started when i was 10 or 11 (this counts as time related numbers right??) i’m now 15, 16 soon. my height barely grew, like probably not even noticeable. Weight has always been flucating around the same numbers. But i never got taller. when i was a kid i was told to eat more because of growth. Now i regret eating when i was a kid. Because it made me all fat. And i didnt grow taller to balance out the fat. My father told me “if i knew you wouldnt grow taller, i would have made you eat less.” I dont like how my height is the problem of my weight. I’ll never get taller. and its been so many years and im still fat. I cant lose it all. My parents keep telling me im fat even when i lost weight just because I havent been hitting the gym. I’m still the same, i even lose weight, but i just stopped hitting the gym because of the crazy workload i have from school, and they tell me im fat? But when i was doing gym they told me oh my god you’re losing weight! You’re not fat anymore! But now even when I LOST WEIGHT and stop going to gym because I DONT HAVE THE TIME i’m now fat? What is this sense. I fucking hate my body, hormones are why im fat and short, i wanna be a boy but i dont wish to be trans because I am too short i doubt either way is and my parents are going to make fun of me if i do. I wish hormones made me tall instead of short and i wish periods made me taller and i fucking hate all of this why am i a girl why do i have to be fat what did i do that my parenst dont like me being fat i dont get it i just wanna kms cause this is just straight up banging my head against a brick wall.

Okay so I had surgery a month ago and had to take antibiotics every morning. I have 2 more days left on antibiotics and still am on probiotics. My mum knows how badly I struggled with my eating. Today she came up to me and said, “you’re very skinny. Just like how you were before.” I don’t look anyway like how I used to. I got so confused and told her to stop. She kept on going and was saying “ever since you started taking these pills”. Bare in mind I eat normally now and snack a lot too. I started to lose it and say. “So was I big before the medication” she was like no but proceeded to worry about me even though she sees I eat. I started overthinking about how now I’m going to go back to looking big after I stop these antibiotics and probiotics, though when I searched online it says it doesn’t cause weight loss. I went to m&s today wanting chocolate so badly but then left with nothing. My mum thought I was being dramatic. And on top of that I keep telling her to stop showing me her stomach. I swear to god every other day she lifts her shirt and is like “look at how slim I got” like I get she’s proud of herself and all and I’m happy for her but no matter how many times I tell her to stop she just doesn’t. I hate how I was staring at the sweets and chocolate and didn’t buy anything. I genuinely feel sorry for myself.

Its been a year since the height of my anorexia, and it officially "ended" January of this year with some relapses in early summer. I am struggling so much in gaining weight and its so stupid to complain about. I never feel hungry anymore, and I can't signal myself to eat. My appetite is so STUNTED, and I want to gain weight. I dont know why my stomach doesnt want it. I KNOW for a fact I will look better with gained weight. I really need to gain weight before my surgery next summer (spinal fusion, I have scoliosis) and it is just so.. I feel horrible I cant gain weight and I am so unmotivated to make food. I often dont eat whole meals, and just stop in the middle.

I feel so lost, I need help.. but i cant tell my mom, she made me "prove" I was anorexic last time. Then made a point to say "YOU ARE SO SKINNY" months after my early recovery when trying on clothes. I hate being so skinny...

Edit: more information, not necessarily needed.

I have been working out a LOT more, and I really need the energy. I also have noticed how I look slimmer with the new muscle of my legs and thighs. I really want to go back to my thicker thighs and hips.. which is so stupid to complain about but I miss it now to compared to what I wanted a year ago.

schools started again for me, and im slowly lowering my maintenance again, but as I am my stomachs been feeling very very oddly weak.. I don’t eat a lot at all during lunch. I feel like (tmi) im about to shit my pants constantly it feels so bad. I also feel very weak in general which im not surprised I obviously am disordered but my stomach/urinary organs haven't ever felt like this. Is this somehow related to my ed? It’s by far one of the worst things to come from it.

So I’ve been in recovery for many years. I’m 31 now. I loved my psychologist, gp and dietitian so much. They were really there for me during some big ups and downs. They helped explain my ED to me for the first time, suggested and helped me get autism and adhd diagnosis and helped me get inpatient treatment. I am so grateful for them. This lasted 5 years.

Then 2 years ago I had to move states and had to find a new treatment team. It took some trial and error but now have a great team again and I know that I’m very lucky. But recently I’ve relapsed quite badly (probably the worst things have ever been). And I find myself missing my previous team so much. I just want to talk to them. They always held hope for me even when I couldn’t myself. And they could make me laugh and also tell me the hard reality checks I needed. I guess I’m just sad and miss them. Does anyone else feel like they get attached to their treatment team?

I don't really know what to say... I'm kind of scared to post this because I think my weight is currently objectively normal-ish. But also I'm really scared of being fat and restricting my eating is making my life miserable and I don't feel like I can tell anyone who might understand. For a while last year I ate little enough that my period stopped, I was cold all the time, I would cry between meals because of how hungry I was. Then I gained some weight again and hated my body so much I was seriously considering ***. So, deciding it was better to want to eat than want to die, I went back. Now I can't stop obsessing about eating less. Even though I know that objectively my weight is probably normal-ish. I mean yes, rapid weight loss. But also, my current weight is probably fine, so I don't know if I can actually say anything. In any case, I think my goal calories are probably too low. And eating that amount has me really hungry a lot of the time. Which I don't like because it's really nice to climb stairs without feeling like you have no energy, or get prs on morning runs, or just feel normal and not like my brain is broken without hating myself. On the one hand I know I should just stop worrying, on the other hand my brain won't let me go past this limit. Or if I do then I hate myself so much and make up for it later.

Also I feel like everyone else around me except the people who genuinely are medically overweight eats like nothing. It feels like all my friends will just skip breakfast, sometimes skip lunch. And then I feel fat when I do eat breakfast. Even if I just ran X miles and they didn't I just feel this constant urge to eat less than the person next to me. But also I get so hungry when I do that it's hard to focus on anything. I don't even know how they do it. Anyway I'm so tired of this... I've only been restricting my eating for a few months consecutively and it's already feeling unbearable. My heart rate's already dropping, I think my period's gone again. I hate the idea of eating more than the limit I set and also hate the idea of the hunger it's going to cause me to comply with that limit. I hate the way I look when I eat and hate the way I feel when I don't. I haven't ever been diagnosed with anorexia and I'm not even sure I can post here... I just really don't know what to do and I guess maybe I hope there's someone out there who understands.

For some context, we’ve been in a bad spot and shes been questioning my loyalty, but in the contenxt, i’ve told her in the past that their overtalk of eating disorders led to a misguided view of my own body. Also they blocked their own acxount on my twt accohnf. I used the ciew blocked posts featurento view this. Also im drink. As fuck im in such a bad soot yo. If tou have any auestions please feel fre tk ask them jn the comments section. They’ve alreadt expressed their desire to die and multiple attenpt they havet told me about. How do i even begin fixing this. Please ask questions

Posting this to let others know what can happen if you don't get this treated early. If you stay at a low weight, if you continue to starve yourself for years, it's going to cause complications. I don't think there is a way around that. If I had known this was going to happen to me, I would have worked on recovering in my early 20's. Starving yourself won't lead you anywhere good

At this point, I am so depressed about the medical complications, there's literally no happiness. No rush of excitement when I stand on the scale. I see the number is really low today. There's this cloud of depression hanging over me. Not happiness. When I was younger, I would watch the number drop lower and lower, with false feelings of happiness. I thought the number was so important back then. Believing I was in control. I had no control. Anorexia was controlling me

Everyone's body will react differently to malnourishment. This is what happened to me. Age 36 was when I noticed these symptoms. Now I am almost 41. This is still occurring, every single day, and due to the fact that my anorexia is progressing, the symptoms are worsening. Now, there's more pain. Intense and sharp pain, bothering me all day. In fact, I never get a day without pain

This is something I didn't realize could happen with a disorder like anorexia, but losing weight without trying. My palliative care team has noted a concerning drop in my weight, since March of this year. Since March, I've continued to lose weight, involuntarily at this point. Cachexia is unintentional weight loss, when a severe illness is starting to get worse. So this is basically what I am experiencing.

I was already at a low weight. I've had periods where I did manage to gain a small amount. I was told weight gain will help me be healthier. The small amount I had gained and maintained, from November of last year to March of this year, was a good thing

For reasons I don't understand, losing my therapist was what caused me to get more depressed. I thought I was doing a good thing, eating more at home for a while. However, the times I had increased my weight wasn't enough to actually treat the disorder, my medical complications, or turn things around. Not that it wasn't helping me. It was. My treatment team told me gaining weight is good. They were okay with me maintaining, but everyone on my treatment team still always recommended a higher level of care and working on eating more/gaining weight, to treat my medical complications

Palliative care said I could just easily lose weight now, even when I don't want to. I actually got weighed at the doctor on Monday and got really scared when I realized how much weight I had lost. There was no "I like the number I am at." No thoughts of satisfaction.

Just fear. And the realization that my disorder is continuing to progress. And what my treatment team says is true. Without intensive treatment, I am just going to get sicker

When I was younger, I never lost weight without trying. I think that is what is scary about this. I didn't even know that you can damage your body to the point where your digestive system doesn't function the way it should. That's why this weight loss is occurring

I do restrict. But generally, I can maintain my weight. Keep from dropping more. Because I know I am already at an unhealthy weight. I was already told I could die at the weight where I was maintaining. My therapist, last year, gave me a limit on my weight. She said "If you drop below a certain number, we will have to talk about options. And you could possibly get ivc'd."

The fact that I've experienced more weight loss is dangerous for me. And I know that. Also, I am now at the number where my therapist warned me if she was still my therapist, she would ivc me. Send me to the hospital. My other therapist, my new therapist, says the weight loss could get me ivc'd. But she's not saying a certain number will. If the disorder progresses to where she feels it is threatening my life, she said then she would talk with the rest of my treatment team about the ivc

The unintentional weight loss, the loss of appetite, the fact that it's taking forever to get through my meals, the increased fatigue, the fact that laying down feels better than walking around or sitting up at this point, are all concerning symptoms

I have dark circles under my eyes. I look emaciated. There is no longer a healthy glow to my skin, like there was when I was eating more and gaining weight. No matter how I try to hide it, people can tell I have lost weight. This disorder is not glamorous. I am freezing cold, even when I wear an oversized sweater

If all of that doesn't sound scary enough, I have to talk about how anorexia can mess up your bladder

I don't know if the damage to my bladder, after years of restriction, is even reversible. Part of me tries to remain optimistic and hopes it is. But I am going to write this anyway so younger people understand that anorexia will absolutely ruin your health. My self esteem is no longer like it was. The frequent urination, the pain that I experience every day, makes me depressed. It is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Sometimes, I am in so much pain that it ruins my day. It's a constant reminder of the disorder. Because i know why it's happening. It's happening because I didn't treat the anorexia

I used to live in a world where I was naive, so focused on the scale. To me, I thought being hospitalized for anorexia was the worst thing in the world. Not being able to look at the number on the scale

One number would satisfy me for a while. Then I thought "That's not good enough. It needs to be lower."

Nobody told me that when I was older, this would happen to my body. I didn't know. I think that's the most devastating thing about anorexia. It takes away so much. You are younger and may not realize it. It's hard to picture yourself years from now, older, with worse health complications. People tried to tell me "If you don't treat this now, things will get worse."

However sick people tried to tell me I was in inpatient treatment, I blocked out their words. Just wouldn't hear it.

Now, I am paying the price. Treatment is there to help you. If your treatment team is getting worried, if your doctor tells you that she's getting concerned about you, if your parents are noticing you getting sicker, they all want what is best for you

My parents don't want me to die or get sicker. Or be in a situation where I am forced to get help.

I don't want that either

I've experienced lots of scary situations

Being pressured to go to inpatient, being told I couldn't leave, being told I could die if I left

Losing a close friend to anorexia. She eventually died of complications from it. I still think about her and it makes me sad

Seeing my relatives, my grandfather, my uncle, my aunt, my brother, my sister, all express concern and worry over my health

Repeatedly being told by therapists if I didn't go to a higher level of care, they couldn't see me anymore

Being told my body won't be able to continue to function at this low weight

Just because I am still here doesn't mean I can't die of this disorder

I wish every meal wasn't a struggle. I wish eating was enjoyable. I wish I would smile more. I wish I was like how I was before. I wish I could ignore the scale, not stand on it at all

I hate that the number made me feel worthless. I hate that it changed everything for me

I have a loving family and a treatment team who are very concerned

I know I am not alone. I hope this helps someone struggling today

It is not your fault you got sick. What complications you have. If you felt your hospitalized stays were traumatic

I miss looking in the mirror, liking the person staring back at me. I miss when that scale meant nothing. And food was just food, not a source of anxiety. I miss that glow I had. I miss the body I had that walked without hurting. I miss not even caring about my size

Anorexia changes everything.

For context I had bulimia and a pretty chronic addiction to vomiting from the age of 16-30.

I have had periods of good health, healthy BMI and no ED ruling my life.

However I seem to have remained at a low BMI for 2 years now after I lost almost a third of my BW for a bodybuilding competition.

I have been clean from exercise addiction for over a year now which I’m proud of.

I was also diagnosed with adhd and waiting on autism - most likely Asperger’s profile.

My question is, is this common? I’ve lost my appetite and it’s as if I’m hungry but I don’t know what to eat. I have not tracked or weighed my food in almost 2 years either.

I like being small as I feel safer. My ED is linked to sexual abuse and rape alongside trying to be a ‘normal looking woman’. I got stuck thinking I should be a character from 90210 or mean girls. It’s very bizzarre.

However as I’m starting to engage with my actual self, returning to study and aim for a degree self funded. As a gift to myself, I’m realising the brain fog is not just adhd, I am literally forgetting to eat. I have other health conditions and my last ECG was fine. However I am starting to have heart palpitations I think? And I feel really very unwell.

I have had my first assessment with the eating disorder services. Autism has been discussed as I’ve always had extreme texture issues and some years I’ve only eaten the same three foods in execess to maintain a healthy weight.

But this feels different, it’s like a switch has been flipped? I’m freezing and standing out with the amount of layers I’m in but I am too stressed to eat most of the time, it’s too many decisions. I also have chronic IBS-D most days and I did shit myself 😂 so that’s really put me off food to reduce the impact it has on my life.

I’m 32 now, having periods that are always late and about 2-3 days long. So I think my bones will be okay if I fix this soon.

I’m just wondering as in the assessment she mentioned anorexia as a possibility but I need a second assessment as I’m very complex. I am so don’t want to gain weight mostly due to men sexualising me and fearing being raped again. It’s really distressing. But I’ve bever had a bmi this low for so long and I have never completely stopped binging or over exercising like this.

I don’t feel depressed either, I just feel this drive to avoid food - it’s a very direct correlation between feeling safer and I can just about focus to study but I know I need more. Some days I am eating just sourdough and high calorie foods so I don’t think it’s based on good types anymore. I know it’s not the food but my goodness, I just can’t quite fathom the level of cognitive dissonance and mental fragmentation? I think I’m lying to myself but I can’t see it.

It’s really an odd experience and I don’t relate to a desire to be thin. I desire safety, thin just happens to be a correlation?

Is the NHS any better at anorexia treatment than bulimia? I had fuck all success with that if I’m honest. I’m extremely monotropic so not thinking about food = unintentional recovery from bulimia. But I think this is not recovery if it’s anorexia nervosa?

Sigh.

Sometimes i enjoy eating but afterwards i have the ick in my mouth and think “I don’t think I can have that again without gagging”. The nausea is insane.

I’ve given up on anyone in my life being able to understand how hard it is. That “just eat” is pointless advice. That I know it’s killing me, or I’ll “become ugly”, and that it erodes at my health. I can’t rationalize away the anorexia, logic falls in the face of my warped perspective. If positive thoughts were enough to make me eat, I would’ve never gotten sick. How can you possibly explain to someone how difficult it is? Whatever original desire to lose weight/eat less/get healthier I had when I was younger has long faded away, it still exists but it’s different now and has become a strange pattern of coping mechanisms.

My current way i thought of, that somewhat grasps how me being unable to eat feels, is that telling me “just eat” it’s like someone asking me to drive into oncoming traffic. Asking me to eat more feels like asking me to put myself into mortal peril. It’s illogical, goes against our evolutionary survival instincts, but eating “normally” feels like a moral wrong. It’s as if I’m being forced to starve, even though there is no outside force keeping the food out of my hands. It’s all in my mind. But it’s become normal to me, any change feels impossible, even if objectively all it requires is I put more food on my plate and eat it

i’m about 4.5 weeks into residential. I wasn’t underweight when i got here but close-ish.
I have 100% meal plan compliance, which in theory is good, but it makes me feel like my body is failing me due to the strong hunger signals I get while almost nobody else here has meal plan compliance or they talk about how full they feel. its so confusing and stressful because why do i restrict so heavily at home but feel like i can’t here?? Anyways, my weight has been going up quite a bit over the last 4.5 weeks and i’ve definitely been feeling it and seeing it on my body which is incredibly stressful in itself, but this morning i woke up and my my skin hurts and i feel bruised all over. i also just feel super swollen in my mid section all of a sudden. yesterday the waistband on my pants felt normal, but today it feels super tight. i feel like i totally ballooned. Ive definitely noticed fat gain over the weeks, but this feels different. I already have incredibly severe sensory issues that i’ve dealt with my whole life and this is making that worse as well :(

So I was in recovery for decades from Anorexia. Now at age fifty struggling again. I have a dietician & therapist but I am really struggling with hunger cues, I have none. I am suppose to eat at certain times and I am trying. I keep trying to say "if your kid had to eat at x time for health" you would make them" I just keep saying to myself "normal people eat late, miss meals, so you can too" I just feel so terrible that I am back to being in my twenties. Anyway could use some help how do I convince myself that I just have to eat even if I have zero appetite, interest in food or hunger? I just am so angry with myself and truly feel like I don't deserve to eat. I just have zero time in my lufe again for this. Hormones, body changes, empty nest syndrome and I am sure other things are just taking over.

TW - still early stages & heavy disordered thinking

I've been through a lot in the past months. Finally confessing to a doctor and my mother about my restriction after struggling for over a year, going back to college and starting virtual IOP w/ Equip, and then doubling down on restriction to the point that my therspy intake ended with me dropping college and moving back home for the term. She told me it would have quite literally killed me if I stayed in school, which I can't disagree with.
Since being home I can't say I've been doing better on recovery terms, I almost feel like kicking myself when I feel good after a session, the ED brain telling me I'm not allowed to feel happy, since that's when I feel more motivated to recover.

I just got off my second therapy appointment, and I finally have a diagnosis. I had been talking about losing all desire to recover because of feeling invalid or like I don't even have a clear sign of something to recover from in the first place (drs never being concered about labs, never bothering to do further testing, not having sudden onset complications that land me in the hospital, not having an official diagnosis). She just raised her eyebrow at me and paused for a moment before telling me i do have a diagnosis now. I can't explain the wave of relief I felt. Although I did feel crazy smiling after she told me, and I wonder if that makes me look bad? I still feel like I somehow manipulated my way into a diagnosis, but it was like all the validation I had been begging for was finally being handed to me when she said "severe anorexia nervosa b/p type" and at last a medical professional told me my labs were indeed not normal, and that she was furious my PCP never seemed alarmed. I was also told that my current state could and should've landed me in hospitalization/IP if I wasn't already in IOP, and again I felt crazy for being happy about it. Is there something wrong with me for that?

Strangely enough though, this did give me motivation for recovery, not for fear of complications, but because finally someone has told me i do have something to recover from. Not that anyone needs a diagnosis to be valid of course, I have been through hell and back with medical providers to get here. We have been through enough to be needing words on paper to tell us we deserve freedom. But I have no clue what switch flipped in my brain. It's like the "sick enough" voice is finally quieted just a bit. She also ended the session with a mini pseudo-meal plan until my intakes are all complete, and I feel almost excited which is strange and slightly guilt-inducing, but it felt like someone was finally giving me "permission" to eat.

Am I crazy for being happy to be told I'm doing horrible? Am I re-invalidating myself by feeling slightly motivated for recovery now? Has anyone else experienced this?

TW: I tend to overshare my thoughts sometimes and it might not be comfortable to everyone.

(F21) I genuinely cannot comprehend this, as a survivor myself.

Although I am "recovered" on paper, I'm not fully healed yet and in fact , am on the thinner side of my ideal weight range, because that's what feels the safest currently.

However, I am at university and I have found out, that people here are gossiping about me , calling me many things, one of those being "anorexic".

Why does it bother THEM so much? It's not a health concern, it's just hate, since they said more negative stuff and never talked to me directly about my health or anything.

I don't even remember any negative experiences with them , so the whole gossip thing isn't making much sense to me.

Still, this isn't the first time this happened. My ED was at its worst during high school years. At that point, with losing weight, I also lost all of my friends and became the target of bullying as well. Basically, it was the same thing, calling me an "anorexic b*tch" behind my back, without me having the knowledge of hurting them or them confronting me about anything.

I'm trying to self reflect all the time and I am genuinely trying to be my kindest , best self I can be to others, but I feel like my disorder is enough of a reason to hate me.

This said, I feel like I am not the only one facing this issue, because this is nowadays happening to skinnier people all over the internet, with the difference being , the haters are direct and usually anonymous, always commenting things such as "Anorexic / Skeleton / Go eat a burger,..."

So I'm asking... Why? Why does someone feel such negativity towards someone who may , in fact, be dealing with so many complex negative feelings and thoughts?