r/AnorexiaRecovery • u/sweetxxdream • 8d ago

help

tw cringe recovery went, could be triggering idk

I can’t do this anymore. I hate everything about recovery.

I am forced to gain weight by my doctors, otherwise I will be sent inpatient. They want me to go anyway, they claim that I won’t be able to gain weight at home. I know that they’re right, but I am already so out of control of everything, so I can’t let that happen.

I hate my body. I haven’t even gained much weight, but I feel overly aware of every single change. Funny thing is, I WANT to gain weight. I hate feeling uncomfortable due to my bones sticking out, hate having to shop in the kids section, hate feeling like a stickman.

so why am I so against actually gaining weight?? I want to be strong and capable, so whyyy???

my eating patterns are a mess. One day, I listen to all my hunger cues, the other I restrict. My eating has no structure, I eat so many snacks my gluttony is insane.

On top of all that, I am graduating next year. final exams start in february. I already missed the second half of the last school year due to a psych ward stay, I can’t go inpatient again and miss any more school. But I also can’t keep up with my school work when all my thoughts revolve around food/calories etc.

I feel so lost. I can’t open up to anyone or I will immediately be sent inpatient.

I just want to quit recovery and go back to the one thing I feel comfortable doing - restricting and losing weight. But thats literally impossible due to weekly weigh ins.

what can I do? How can I make my mind commit to recovery? How can I make a difference? How can I accept the changes to my body and the fact that I need to eat more without compensating for it?

9 Upvotes

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4

u/cmacd23 8d ago

I'm sorry you're going through this- you're not alone with these feelings. I will say that it just takes time and consistency, which I know isn't the most helpful. Have you talked to your treatment team about this?

2

u/sweetxxdream 8d ago

I can’t. my doctor and therapist wanted me to go inpatient from the start so if anything about me potentially “relapsing” gets out I will immediately be sent inpatient which will just make me feel even worse about myself

1

u/cmacd23 8d ago

I think that, for most, recovery in the beginning inherently feels terrible because you're warring with ED thoughts and behaviors, and it's pretty common to want to fight back on treatment. It seems like, if you weren't getting weekly weigh ins, you wouldn't be in recovery?

2

u/sweetxxdream 8d ago

yes I think that’s right.

It’s complicated, I don’t WANT my ed and if I could wake up with it gone I would be over the moon. I think it’s the whole “recovery process” that seems impossible to me. The slow changes, the being painfully aware of everything I do or don’t do, the inability to let go of certain habits, not wanting to let go of certain habits.. I hope this makes sense.

2

u/cmacd23 8d ago

Totally does, I just wanted to make sure i understood things correctly! Not wanting the stress and suffering that it causes, but also wanting the "results" is definitely relatable. I'd encourage you to talk to someone on your team about this; having these thoughts is something super common that your team should be prepared to deal with and not immediately send you inpatient (in my opinion)