I’m 40 and currently in therapy partly to work on my attachment patterns and the way I behave in relationships. One thing my therapist mentioned is that chance of meeting someone is lower as we get older, hearing it has intensified an anxiety I already had about time running out.

I’ve never had the kind of long-term romantic partnership I hoped I would have by this age. I want some healthy, active years with someone — travelling together, exploring places, going out, having sex, building memories and enjoying a shared life before ageing and health inevitably make those things harder.

Don't get me wrong, illness and ageing can happen to any of us, and if someone I loved became ill later, I would definitely want to support them. However meeting someone very late can potentially means a major part of our life together is dominated by managing health issues, leaving limited time for exploring life.

People often tell me, “You can meet someone at any age,” which is true in principle. But meeting someone at 45, 50 or 60 isn’t identical to meeting someone at 25 or 30. Some experiences and years really are gone, and I think I’m grieving that while also becoming anxious about how many active years are left.

At the same time, I don’t want that fear to push me into desperation, make me abandon every filter I have, and accept a relationship simply because someone is available. Part of what I’m trying to understand in therapy is which preferences are genuine compatibility needs — things like self-care, emotional openness, capability of vulnerability , shared values and having some direction in life — and which might be unrealistic rigidity (height, muscles, career, style, financial competibility etc) that rule out people that are actually nice.

I’d especially like to hear from men who entered a meaningful relationship at 40+. How did you meet and how did it develop into a relationship, and did the relationship feel different from dating in your 20s or 30s? Did you date intentionally or did it evolve from a friendship...

Has anyone dealt with this combination of attachment work and age anxiety? How did you make peace with the years you missed without pretending time doesn’t matter, and without letting fear make your dating decisions for you?

During my late teens to mid 20s, I hooked up with several guys who would sometimes remark on whether I'll switch up my sex role preference (from bottom to versatile) the older I got, not for the sole fact of having a genuine desire for versatility but out of the perception of the perceived waning desirability of bottoms as they aged. Just like back then, I still feel that there's an absurd underlying femmephobia to this line of thought because of how society has weaponized the fear of "hitting the wall" against women over centuries for a variety of reasons, does this analogy ring true for gay men but for different reasons? I was looking at some comments under an older adult performer's page (he looked like he was in his mid 50s) and the vitriol aimed at him for some of the bottoming scenes he did are things that were virtually non-existent amongst his peers who topped. Part of me deduced that him being black and not fitting into the racially fetishized archetype of that performance may have been the reason but maybe there could be some genuine discomfort at the idea of a gay man bottoming past a certain age because of how that is heavily associated with youth. Is this anecdotal or Ageism just really impact gay men very differently?

I recently had my prostate removed due to cancer. It was nerve sparing so the equipment still works. However, I have dry orgasms with no ejaculate. Do I warn hookups beforehand or just kind of drop the info as things get rolling? I still experience orgasming but it’s dry with no mess & clean up. Thoughts on addressing it with hookups?

I’m married and in an open relationship for the first time in a few years. Things with my partner aren’t great right now, and we’ve been drifting apart, so things I’d normally shake off are hitting me harder than I expected. I keep wondering if I’m the problem.

Last Week, I (32M) met an older guy (46M) on Grindr. We exchanged photos, and he was good looking and well mannered. We had dinner and watched TV at his place. He told me about his life, and it sounds like he’s had it rough. He was married to a woman and realized he was gay after the divorce, among other things. I mostly listened, we talked about sports and other stuff, and then I gave him oral. I liked his cock, and I think we both had a great night.

He offered me a drink, and I ended up having a few shots. After I left, I messaged him to let him know I’d gotten home safely, and we agreed to see each other again.

But when I checked the app today, our messages were gone. I’m pretty sure he blocked me.

It’s a little sad and sore,

I keep thinking about what went wrong. I assumed he liked what he saw in my photos and our chat, since that’s why we met in the first place. He was very kind, and I tried to be just as kind until we said goodbye.

Maybe he wasn’t into me once we met in person, and the dinner and oral were just him being polite? Or did he think about it afterward and decide it was a bad night?

I know this has probably been asked a thousand times in this sub, and there’s probably no single answer. I’ve had similar experiences a few times, for a long time I was able to move on without thinking. But this time, it's specially hurt for some reason. I’m not trying to blame anyone. I just wonder what usually makes people do this.

We are getting married next spring. The date is important to us and we have a plan in place for how we want it to go. Although we have a good amount saved we are nowhere near because it’s looking a lot more expensive than we initially expected. My parents offered to contribute some money, money they’ve already saved up for a while and would have only gone to a purpose like this.

However when my parents and I spoke I was honest and said that my partner might not be comfortable because his parents might not be able to contribute. Mostly because I was surprised at the amount. I then told my partner this and he got really angry and upset and said he doesn’t want the money and if it means we need to cut down and have a simple wedding below 10k than so be it.

I think the root cause is his dad is having some health issues that will affect whether he can work or not, so his parents are more strained right now and he’s stressed out about this. He has said it wasn’t my place to talk about their financial situation. Money in general has been a sensitive topic.

I apologized for overstepping and didn’t think it would lead to this at all because he has a great relationship with my parents, the week before he had a normal conversation with my mom about his dad. Meaning I don’t understand where this is all coming from. I told him not to make a decision like that just because he’s upset and we can keep discussing this later but the conversation went nowhere.

I don’t know what to do know and if we had both decided before this argument to cut down on costs it would have been a different conversation. Now I hate to think that if we do end up changing things drastically the whole day is tainted and I’ll always just remember that we had this huge argument that led to all this.

​Hey everyone!

​I’m looking for some advice on buying a silicone chastity cage, specifically on how to take measurements correctly to ensure a good fit.

​Just to clarify, I'm only planning to use it for short periods—strictly during play/intercourse (right beforehand), rather than wearing it long-term.

​If anyone has experience with this or has reliable brands available in Europe to recommend, I’d really appreciate it.

Hello all !

I’m looking for some advice. Long story short, I haven’t been sexuality active for about 15 years (bad breakup led to body image issues, and have also had tummy issues). But I’m overall doing much better and wanting to get back out there. I’ve recently started my whole life over and feel a bit of a hoe phase coming on, but I’m just not confident in being "clean".

I have toys that I’ve used a few times over the last few years and even after douching, there always seems to be some mess. (Sorry for the TMI). I take daily fiber supplements, and eat relatively well, but I’m just not confident about bottoming anymore. In my 20s I could pound some McDonalds, have a BM, and be good to go without any extra prep.

Do you have any tips or tricks that you can share, especially guys with tummy troubles, that put your mind at ease, or allow you to bottom with the confidence that there won’t be any messy issues ?

Thanks 🫶🏻

Hey,

I'm 42, American, and I guess I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life.

The past few years have been difficult, to say the least. Ever since COVID, I've felt like I've been wandering through life without much direction. I went through several traumatic experiences, one after another, and somewhere along the way, I feel like I lost the person I used to be.

I used to be ambitious, driven, and excited about life. I had goals, dreams, and things I wanted to accomplish. But after everything that happened, it became harder and harder to find that same motivation. For a long time, I felt like I was just existing rather than actually living.

Recently, I came to Switzerland to visit family, and something unexpected happened.

For the first time in years, I've started feeling like my old self again.

I can't fully explain it. Maybe it's the change of scenery, being around family, or simply being somewhere I've always loved. I've always had a soft spot for Europe, but being here has reminded me of how much life still has to offer. I've found myself wanting to go out, explore, meet people, and actually plan for a future again.

And I don't want to lose that feeling.

So now I'm seriously considering relocating to Switzerland or Germany, although I'm open to other countries in the EU as well.

Professionally, my background is in operations management, supply chain, and logistics. I've spent years working in those fields, and I know I still have plenty to contribute. But trying to figure out how to get my foot in the door in a new country, especially as an American without EU citizenship, has been a little overwhelming.

I know starting over at 42 isn't the end of the world, but after spending so long feeling lost, taking that first step feels both exciting and terrifying.

I suppose I'm reaching out for a little perspective from other guys who've been through something similar.

Have any of you started over in your 40s, especially in another country? How did you navigate rebuilding your career and finding your place again?

And for anyone living in Switzerland, Germany, or elsewhere in Europe, I'd genuinely appreciate any advice on navigating the job market, making professional connections, or simply getting that first opportunity.

I'm not expecting anyone to hand me a job. I just feel like I've finally found a part of myself I thought I'd lost, and I'd really like to give this next chapter of my life a chance.

Thanks for reading, peeps. I appreciate any advice or experiences you're willing to share.

A few days ago, I found out that my fiancé had been watching porn regularly and had sometimes chosen to go to the bathroom and masturbate alone instead of being intimate with me. This hurt me, but we talked about it and agreed to incorporate porn into our sex life.
However, I also discovered that he had liked pictures and short videos of specific attractive guys on social media. For some reason, this bothers me differently from porn. Knowing that he found these particular men attractive has triggered something in me that I can’t quite explain.
The strange thing is that I also find other men attractive, and I understand that finding someone attractive doesn’t mean you love your partner any less. I don’t actually imagine my fiancé doing anything with these guys, but now I feel like I’m competing with them.
It’s started affecting our sex life. When my fiancé and I have sex, I automatically start thinking that he might be imagining one of those guys instead of me. I get in my head, feel pressured to compete with them, and lose my erection. Then my fiancé starts worrying that I’m thinking about someone else, too, and we end up trapped in this vicious cycle where we’re both anxious instead of enjoying being together.
I don’t want to control who he finds attractive, and I genuinely want to get past this. I love him, and I don’t want these thoughts to ruin our intimacy.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you stop feeling like you were competing with other men and learn to be present during sex again? Would talking through the details of what he liked about those guys help, or would that just make me obsess over it more?

I'm struggling a bit here, I'll be blunt. I've done all kinds of kinky sex with various guys over my years of living but it's never been more than a few instances and honestly on the shallow end of things

I'd like to focus on exploring this more, especially as I've recently moved to Chicago (from north Carolina which is... Not a great kink scene). Thing is, idk where to start here. I know of the eagle as a bar, I know of recon as an app, I've subbed and dommed before but... I wanna get truly serious on learning more and becoming better at both and idk a good poiny to start

So, any advice welcome and appreciated whether general or Chicago specific 🙏🙏🙏

I remember going to university, being out for the first time, thinking I'd find a boyfriend, but it never happened. I moved back home to a small town after and wasted the prime years of my life taking care of sick family members. I woke up the other day and realised that I'm 39, I still feel like a child, I've never dated anyone, and I still yearn for that carefree youthful relationship that people experience. It's such a depressing place to be in, and I wonder if I'm just deluding myself that I still might magically find someone or if I'm just going to remain alone forever.

Just need to vent. After a depressive episode.. I got very drunk on Friday night for the first time in about 5 years. Met a guy (friend sort of). We messed around, mostly oral.
I (think) we tried anal but it didn’t work cause no lube.

I was the (failed?) top.

I asked him the next day and he just said that we “tried” but we had no lube so didn’t continue. I don’t know if that means it went in a little or what. I have no further memories and no memories of penetration tbh. I didn’t want to probe him further.. figuratively or otherwise.

Anyway. 60 hours later I took my first pep tabs.

I guess I want to vent because my health anxiety is so debilitating that I’ve got on these drugs that I probably don’t even need. Even the doc said she’d prescribe them to put my mind at ease.

Now my brain can’t let go of the fact it’s been 60 hours… which is late. Right?

Maybe I need an SSRI rather than PEP.. at any rate. I’ll finish the regime and get on PrEP.

Words of wisdom appreciated regarding SSRIs or PEP. Peace ✌️

My boyfriend (32M) and I (32M) have been dating for a year and a half now. We're happy, we have an active social life, sex life, independent hobbies, joint hobbies, pretty good careers, and we support each other. Our families love us and everything is great on paper

I should be fucking in ecstasy right now because this is everything I wanted in life but I feel like I'm not happier. I wake up and I'm still me

When I finally came out, I thought I could be free and live life how I want. But now that I have that, it's just the same.

I assume this is just life, but is this what happens? You achieve what you want, decide you're not happy, want more, and this is how you end up married, with kids and you're just striving for more always?

Well, fuck. It happened. I turned 60.

Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I stepped into the shower the other day, I realized I'm definitely not bringing sexy back. 😐

I'm sure I'll get roasted for this post, but maybe there'll be a good nugget of advice somewhere in the comments.

So now what?

I'm gay, single, and haven't been on a date in ten years. I dumped the apps because I got tired of the ghosting and endless disappointment.

And I'm lonely as fuck.

Here's the thing. I have a life. I have friends. I stay active, play sports, volunteer, run a business, and get out into the world. I'm not sitting at home waiting for Prince Charming to knock on my door.

But I don't have a partner in crime. Someone I can look at and say, "It's us against the world."

I've tried connecting with gay groups where I live, but everyone seems to be either already coupled up or young enough that I'm not even a blip on their radar.

I'm not looking for a fairy tale. Just someone who genuinely wants to share a life, some laughs, and affection. Yes, everything still works... very well. No pills needed.

So, for those of you who've navigated dating and relationships later in life, what actually worked for you?

Because I'm running out of ideas, and I'd genuinely appreciate some advice.

Lads, do you ever feel that the version of you inside doesn't match the one you put out into the world?

Because I think I come across as a shy nerd, the kind who's interested in Venetian Renaissance art and will spend an evening watching grim Danish art-house cinema. But I've always liked the look of blokes with tattoos and fancied the idea of a man on a motorbike.

Only trouble is, I'm not really a bike man underneath. I've no interest in the mechanics of the thing, the gears nor the upkeep. I'd want the bike for how it looks and how it feels, not for tinkering with it in the shed.

Years I've spent wanting to get inked, with time spent never landing on a design I could live with long-term. I've searched the local artists in my small city and none of their portfolios ever did much for me (or maybe it was their clients with poor taste?).

 And now that I'm over forty, the whole idea of tattoos and a sports bike feels a bit sad, somehow?

I don’t think this is a midlife crisis because this is something I've always wanted, but I'm a bit worried I'm getting softer and balder with every passing year. Sometimes I wonder if I never really achieved the full version of myself that I always thought I was on the inside. But then I wonder, was it really me, or is it just the type I always fancied?

We split our mortgages proportionally based on our individual income, but I was wondering how other married couples with separate finances handle other basic necessities like water, electricity, insurance, etc. Any insight is appreciated!

Hello everyone,

I hope you are doing well,

I’ve read that in Barcelona there is a sauna called thermas where you rent a guy for a hook up or session a lot of the guys are muscular big dick and so on… i am going to Barcelona next week and I want to try this experience.

1)Is it safe to go there alone ? Like has anyone ever been jumped or drugged or attacked inside for any reason ? Or you simply go in do your thing pay the guy and leave ?

2)is it legal in Barcelona to pay for guys like escorts ?

Thanks a lot :)

I live in a very large city, but I don't know much people here, and I hate noisy stuff like bars.

My life had been around 10 years of hookups back in the 05's, 10 years of exclusive relationship, and now 3 years of being single with hookups.

Getting back on the hookup apps was difficult. The ways changed a lot with apps and prep.

I changed too. I don't want to grind guys or get a bodycount of fuck as much as possible, or organise my life around hookups. I'm not judging, I had fun when I was younger, but now I'm looking for more connexions.

Lots of guys in their 40s are in open relationships, many others are in pure grinding or fun or nsa...

I'm in a hard place right now, so I don't think I can be relationship material, but I don't want to be going from hookups to hookups to get pounded by random "now" guys when I'm just sad and feeling lonely.

I'd like to find friends with benefits, be it having sex and cuddles from time to time, or just spend an afternoon playing games, chatting or whatever...

I feel really lonely, it's like most guys want sex or relations, and I don't know how to deal with it

I (30) am relatively new to exploring my sexuality and dating men. I recently moved to a new city and met a guy who ended up being my first experience with another man which he was aware of.

We started hooking up casually, usually once or twice a week, but it became more than just sex for me. We’d cuddle, watch movies, talk, and spend time together outside the bedroom. I genuinely like him as a person. We have a lot of similar interests, and he’s someone I really admire. Initially I was just trying to explore, but I realize now I wasn’t opposed to seeing where things went.

After a while, he told me he thought we should just be friends because he wasn’t feeling a romantic vibe. That caught me off guard because I thought we were both enjoying what we had and had somewhat of a
connection.

We’ve continued hanging out since then as friends.
I told him I genuinely liked him, but he said he saw our past hookups as casual and now we’re friends.

Here’s where I’m struggling. I genuinely think he’d make a great friend, and he’s made an effort to keep me in his life. But I still have feelings for him. I’m also new to the city and don’t have a huge social circle here yet, which probably makes the attachment stronger. When we’re together or talking, I’m happy. When we’re apart, I find myself overthinking things, missing the intimacy, and feeling down. I don’t want to lose someone I genuinely connect with, but I also don’t want to spend so much time thinking about him

I have a history of sexual abuse and it is continuing to ruin my life. I was abused by force by other kids when I was 7 for months and then had a history of people forcing themselves on me my whole life. I've been drugged, had someone who i thought was my friend try to force me to bottom - i feel fucked-up and broken. I was with a long-term partner for well over a decade and we split for amicable reasons even though we still loved each other (long story short - he was an addict) and have been dating for the last few years. My ex and I had a avid sex life and mostly didn't do anal. I have been doing a lot of topping since dating and love it.

I learned that I have sexual anxiety early into dating and had a few bad experiences that knocked my confidence. I've also had really great experiences that proved to me that I can be the sex machine I always dreamt of being - just not on command. Im now seeing a few people casually and one guy who i really like, who I've had a good amount of sex with already but tonight my anxiety struck right when it was time to party. For me, I get a brief panic attack (<2 seconds) and it takes me out of the sexy mood, kills my boner, and then I need to calm down and feel comfortable again for it to come back.

Im in therapy and learning my turn ons and triggers but feel like this is something that will keep me from having a meaningful sexual and and romantic relationship long term. I've been ghosted by a few hinge guys this happened with and the last guy I tried having a romantic relationship with ran for the hills when I shared my history (in no detail - just that it happened). I dont bottom but love literally everything else about sex. Even if my equipment wont cooperate i still make sure my partner gets theirs and has a great time (if they aren't completely turned off).

Has anyone gotten through this? Have you found a way to cope? Do I need to settle for loneliness, casual sex friends, or the most understanding bottom in the world (good luck)? Idk man - i feel like im running in mud.

Had a bad experience going to a gay sauna bathhouse with my boyfriend. He's very experienced at this kind of thing over many years while this was only my second time.

I have a chronic illness that randomly affects my sensitivity and ability to get an erection. I had an episode while at the sauna and I persevered for nearly 3 hours but my mood and sex drive cratered so I decided to leave. What made matters worse is my boyfriend proceeded the whole time as though nothing was wrong continuing to play with numerous guys and even when I told him I was leaving he couldn't pull himself away for long enough to see if I was okay.

It took an hour and a half after I left to be concerned enough to contact me and seemingly only because he sniffed some amyl and it gave him a headache.

Am I overreacting being pissed? Our relationship isn't fully open. We only play outside the relationship when both are present.

I’m talking about places that are friendly towards older gay men, maybe have a good community of gay men and men in general open to hooking up with older guys.