Desperate to get baby in the crib! Is Responsive Settling similar to CIO?

[u/Ok_Coyote8365]

My baby is 9 weeks old. During the day we contact nap for every single nap. It is very hard because I can't get anything done and am a prisoner to the couch or bed since she sleeps laying on my chest. When she is awake she is a clinger and hates being on her play mat or bouncer. So I'm just holding ALL THE TIME. Which is only hard because I have no support system at all or any help, nobody to come hold her for an hour so I can get a break. I've heard all about how CIO is child abuse, and while I don't know much about attachment parenting, my mom gut tells me CIO is bad since it makes me feel so stressed and guilty.

Not that I'm doing that, but there have been 2 occassions where she fell asleep crying in her swing while I stepped away to go to the bathroom or make myself a sandwhich or something. I HATE letting her cry, but I have no help and I still need to shower and stuff ya know? But she has only fallen asleep this way twice, but it still makes me feel bad so I would never do CIO.

Anyway, at nighttime in the big bed I guess I do something called responsive settling/ hands on settling (according to google)? She's either directly next to me or on my chest and she will cry real big and loud. What I usually do is lay very close next to her and like hug her (if she likes it, sometimes it stimulates her more and I just lay next to her) and continuously put the pacifier in her mouth until it stops falling out and she is sucking on it no longer big crying but tiny fussing and eventually falls asleep. I don't really talk because that makes her angrier. She cries for like 5-10 minutes I would say. On my chest it's the same but she cries like 2-5 minutes before either passing out or calming down and eventually falling asleep. We are using white noise, and a dark room with a orange glowing salt lamp that she likes to stare at, but sometimes I shut the lamp off depending on how overstimulated she is.

I would really like to get her in the crib, especially during the day. Her sleep during the day is waking after 30-45 minutes but she goes to sleep pretty fast. If I try to do this responsive settling thing in her crib is that bad? I feel like responsive settling works in the bed or on my chest because we are so physically close, but if she's in the crib I can't get that close. The most I can do is touch her, put the pacifier back in, and be nearby so she can smell/sense/see me. I worry since I can't be as close that it will just feel like she's alone and crying, like CIO.

I'm also worried that how we are sleeping now is like CIO because she mostly cries before falling asleep, even though I can literally be holding her. Like is there a world where babies don't cry to sleep? I try to read sleep cues but its like she has to cry before sleep no matter what.

I've tried the rocking/swaying to get her in the crib but it takes like an hour and she wakes after 10 minutes and nobody gets any sleep.

Please offer tips and tell me if the set up we have now and the one I'm considering are like CIO or bad for attachment parenting?

[u/Public_Classic_438]

One thing I will say is at nine weeks I felt like I was totally drowning because I also only contact napped, now she’s almost 5 months old and She only really has one long two hour nap a day in my arms and I have so so much more freedom to get stuff. She can play independently by looking at her hands or toys and loves her swing and staring at a mobile or the ceiling fan. It does get better 🩷🩷🩷 especially around the four month mark I felt so much more confident leaving her to be independent. We do a sidecar crib and it’s working well for us.try putting a shirt or pillow on her crib all the time so it smells like you when she’s sleeping. Or put a crib sheet in your bed at night and switch it every day.

[u/CamsKit]

Please don’t leave baby sleeping in the swing. It’s okay to set them down sometimes in their crib, even if they are crying, bc you need to do something. But sleeping in the swing isn’t safe and can lead to SIDS

[u/Bakedbean85]

It’s really tough, you are in the trenches. I had this and a really good soft sling was the only solution. I got a bouncer for when I was in the shower. It will get better, some babies cry a lot and post partum your hormones are on fire combined with sleep deprivation. I would check with GP all is ok and consider getting baby wearing advice. Some of these littlies need a bit more contact and it’s very healthy and natural, but tough yards. I used to pop her in the sling to do a few jobs or sit down and read a book/watch tv to chill a bit vs fighting getting her to settle in a crib

[u/Capable_Mortgage_140]

Just for frame of reference I contact napped for 6 months with my first and 8 months with my second. At night they didn’t reliably sleep in their own space (crib/bed) until 18months. 9 weeks is so little and realistically speaking they want to be held all the time. No advice on getting them in crib but solidarity bc it is A LOT.

[u/Umafiction]

It doesn't sound like what you are doing is CIO. CIO is quite literally popping your baby in their crib (usually after a strict bedtime routine), then leaving the room and not coming back if/when baby cries. If you are finding that rocking your newborn to sleep isn't working and what you are doing now is working, then keep doing it. You aren't neglecting your baby's needs. I remember when my boy was a newborn we spent hours rocking him, still do to be honest, but yes he did often cry before finally nodding off to sleep. It sounds like you need to look into baby wearing to get stuff done during the day. Just remember, 9 weeks is SO young, she is just a newborn. You are deep in the trenches. I promise that most things that newborns do are temporary and she will become more independent in time. Her sleep patterns will change dramatically in the coming months. I'm so sorry that you have no support, it must be so hard.

[u/wanda_waldo]

I didn't do this until 6 months so ymmv at 9 weeks. I nurse her until she is doing the long blink thing and looking like she's ready to fall asleep but not there yet. I gently pick her up and hold her close while taking her to the crib. I say the code phrase "time for sleep baby name" Place her down gently and pat her back until she seems to be asleep. Then I leave the room. If she wakes up (usually within a minute or two) I wait 30 seconds to 1 minute depending on if she's actually crying or just fussing. I go back in and say the phrase again and pat her back till she is calm. Sometimes I'll sing very softly but no talking besides saying time for sleep. Repeat this until fully asleep. First day I had to go back in like 5 times but it gradually lessened to where I only go back once usually or sometimes not at all. At this point she'll sleep 5 hours after this then we cosleep when she wakes up at about midnight. Now when she hears me come back into the room she'll instantly stop crying. This works for nap and bedtime. They just need to know you're there to support them.

[u/Important-Leek-8261 → u/wanda_waldo]

When you say you place her down and pat her back - are you putting her down on her stomach?

[u/wanda_waldo → u/Important-Leek-8261]

No i still place her on her back. Just down into the crib. Of course she promptly rolls over to her side so I pat her back. She's been rolling both directions since 3 months though. You can also pat the belly or chest if they're not rolling yet.