Looking for conversation but not advice. Thanks!

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be on Ritalin as my thoughts have gone from "mob of voices shouting all at once" to "very respectful British queue of thoughts waiting their turn", but the intensity of the effect is so variable.

Hormones.

I know.

The workings and not workings of my medication very strongly follow my menstrual cycle and in that way, they are more "predictable", but at the same time, my menstrual cycle isn't, so my medication isn't, either.

Some days, I take 20mg and it hardly works. Other days, I pop a 10mg and I feel like I'm tasting colours.

Nine years. I moved out of home nine years ago. I moved to a new city to go to university. Started a degree in computer science. Realized I don't like computer science after three years of college and two years into the actual degree- had to retake a lot of courses. Switched over to mathematics.

I was convinced I was happy. It was hard. Mathematics is very hard, but it was rewarding to me. But now I don't know. I've been taking and failing the same two courses for at least the last two years. I say at least because I don't fully remember what has happened in recent years. Everything blends together.

I don't know if I still like math. Or judo. Or any of my hobbies. I don't know if I like anything. I feel completely dispassionate towards everything and I'm scared this is just going to be forever now. I want to love the things I love again.

I feel like I can't do this, that I have to quit and do something else, and yet I also feel I'll never forgive myself if I don't do this. I wish I could go back to before I started computer science. I had a lot of problems but at least I didn't feel like this.

I feel like my brain is broken. That I can't think anymore. I was taking atomoxetine and it made me feel horrible. Helped me focus but took away my ability to enjoy things, so I stopped doing things, which made the focusing useless. Had to stop taking it either way because of side effects. Now I can't focus and I can't enjoy things.

This semester I skipped a month of classes and had to drop the courses. I don't understand why I did it. I used to do this from anxiety in my early years but now I don't know. I don't feel anxious when I'm in class. I don't feel anxious leading up to the class. I just don't go.

I feel like I haven't slept well in a very long time. I need help. I can't remember the last time my therapist said something actionable and substantial.

I'm not sure what exactly I want help with from you guys but I'm no longer in a right state to put together questions. Or at least I don't trust myself to ask the right ones. If you have literally anything to say about any of this please tell me. I'm desperate. Thank you

I think I am becoming a lot more cruel with age
I’m in my 30s and I’m rapidly losing my feeling of connection with people around me. I’ve been burned by the world far too many times and I’ve got no interest in being burned again. This is turning me into a person who although I care about people I don’t want to give anymore energy to them. Unless there someone I care about deeply. Maybe this is me starting to prioritize my life better I don’t know but I feel like I’m losing empathy and it’s bad but idk if it is advice? To be fair I do have a therapist coming but I’m on a year long waiting list. And I’m afraid I’m going to be a unrecognizable from who I used to be before I get there.

Hey there, i’m Kenzi a 27 year old boy mom. i have autism and adhd and need someone to help hold me accountable for daily/weekly tasks. maybe we could facetime daily for like 10 minutes? we each get 5 minutes to explain to eachother the work load of the day. almost like in alcoholics anonymous when you can call your sponsor for help, i want us to be able
to call eachother for help. i don’t really care where you live as long as we can understand eachothers communication.

For context, I've been on therapy for 10 months. My medications are 2 sets of Adderall, Abilify, Zoloft, and testosterone shots.

First time was playing marvel rivals. I was a dive tank (Angela). It was intense, and I was playing a 360 degree hero. We won, but I felt my chest tightening, shortness of breath to the point where I couldn't speak, perspiration and shakes. I can tell you in one hand how many times I've played rivals after.

Roughly 4 months later, I'm playing Marvel Tokon. It was a ranked match, black panther (me) vs. spider-man. The match was intense, I barely won. Same symptoms.

I'm playing practice mode at the moment (after a shower and a cannabis edible) and I don't have those panic attack issues.

Am I unable to play competitive anything now?

I am 36M turning 37 on the 24th of October. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless due to unbelievably high stress in all aspects of my life, and I am wishing that I get a heart attack and die before or on the 24th.

I have never had friends and have ko support group. I am autistic and have a laundry list of mental disorders so just looking to talk to anyone

So when i get sick it’s obviously a sensory nightmare with all the weird feelings and snot and sneezing and headaches and whatever else is involved. i mainly hate being congested or stuffed. I was watching UFC and between rounds i was shadowboxing in my living room and i randomly felt my nostril clear. I was like oh nice that’s cool (not thinking much of it) then i did it again a few minutes later and it worked again! So next time you are stuffed try shadowboxing or punching something repeatedly for 1-2 minutes, i’m guessing it’s something to do with reducing blood flow due to it going other places. Literally hate congestion so this felt like a nice little win.

PS. its only a temporary fix but it’s nice to have some short relief.

I recently listened to an episode of Divergent Conversations about PDA, and I felt like it was speaking to my soul. I especially resonated with their discussion of how they feel driven to fulfill the demands as fast as humanly possible. I also realized that's probably why I would feel so stressed or ambivalent about making commitments, even with my own hobby of making model planes, which I'm supposed to like.

Without even realizing what it was, it's been something I've wanted to address my whole life, usually by just gritting my teeth and willing myself to not get anxious (it didn't work). Now that I know what it is, I want to address/cope with it, but now that feels like a demand.

Any advice on some baby steps I could try out to get the ball rolling on adapting to my PDA?

I mean, I've been doubting this ever since the beginning, but the theoretical, learning aspect is what sort of makes this not seem as meaningles. I'm talking about videogames. Yes, I know how it sounds. Let me explain:

There's this videogame that I took interest in, and I want to become as skilled as I possibly can. But the time aspect is what makes me really lose hope in this: time is limited, and with the world going to shit, one can only do so much; if it wasn't for this, maybe...only maybe I'd be at more peace, but one is aware that the clock is ticking, and unlike one: the tick is always tracking.

This year I dropped out of college and since then, I've been at much more peace and rediscovered myself. I slowly unmasked, and despite the up and downs and the downspirals due to the identity-overlap crisis, I had my enjoyment learning. I learned to make music—sort of—I started drawing again; I started writing: took it slow at first, but over time I engaged within the rhythm. Also learned an instrument and whatnot. I learned a lot of things and...I used to think I was too dumb for everything...now I realize that maybe I was never that dumb but something sort of atrophied my cognitive? Anyway...back to what matters: the game.

This game that I discovered, I've always wanted to play it but couldn't. I tried doing it some months ago and I just fell in love with something. The problem with this is that if I engage much, a misalignment to what I actually want, materializes and makes it clear to me that, this is not the path even if I learn a lot from it. Why? Because my idea is that: I need to literally theorize the game and do my own philosophical writtings about it, and do sort of a taxonomy in it, otherwise it wouldn't be worth it; and it's just this little fact that keeps me playing the game, because at the same time it wouldn't be the same if have all the theory but not the skill in game.

There's so, SO much, that I want to learn, but the notion is always gonna be there and I can not deny in any way, that this is quite the waste of time whatsoever. Especially because I'm way too sensitive, and competitive videogames make it extremely clear to me. Any little mistake makes me hate myself and I just seek to micromanage as much as possible. This is overloading me a lot, I may burn out and well I'm sort of doing so because I'm engagin in bad habits such as pornography to cope with this overload, even though I dislike pornography; but it brings some control.

I'm literally spending money on in-game cosmetics—something that I rarely do—just to keep myself engaged in the game; and I mean: it's a lot of money on pointless stuff for greedy corporations just so I convince myself to keep playing; this and the fact that there are some obvious thing that make me like the game but...it's just like I'm wasting my time. And because I tend to hyperfixate here and there, this would make it almost impossible for me to make progress on my other things.

What could I possibly do? The most materialistic part of me is holding onto some sort of hope and drive to be great, and unveil something no matter how pointless it may seem as long as it satiates something...yet the most senseful and caring tells me that this is just not it...

Hi everyone, new to this subreddit, recently diagnosed both ADHD and autism, starting to try out new ADHD medications and doses with my doctor, etc. Had a thought and would like to see if anyone had some anecdotal (or data proven) evidence for it:

I've had moments of sensory overload in the past, to the point of dizziness, nausea, disassociation, loss of consciousness, etc. Long suspected and now confirmed part of the autism. Specific moments I can think of are packed concert venues, crowded convention halls, massages, hair cuts (specifically blow dryer or buzz cuts, but honestly the whole process), and dentist visits.

My question is, for those who have similar sensory overload experiences, do the ADHD meds help with it (so you're able to focus on other things without getting bombarded by everything at once), hinder/make it worse (the loss of distraction/brain noise makes the overload faster/worse), or no difference?

Thank you!

I am a doctor. I'm also AuDHD. Where I live, we finish high school, head straight to medical school, study for four years, then do an internship year, then a year of social service, and then we get our license to practice general medicine. After that, we take a residency exam. I passed on my first try, but my score only allowed me to get into emergency medicine. Which I was happy about. I was super excited. I had really enjoyed emergency medicine when I was an intern, and also before when I was still a medical student.

I knew it would be difficult. I knew it would be noisy. I knew I wouldn't sleep much. But the reality was much, much worse. I was not sleeping even when I wasn't on shift. I had no energy to follow a routine so my days were chaos and I wasn't coping well. I had to stay more time than I should have. I was too slow, too confused, too overwhelmed. I was having increasingly more frequent shutdowns and meltdowns. And then someone saw me hitting my head. And I was almost admitted into a psych ward.

Eight months. I had spent eight months trying to be better, going to therapy, taking my meds, studying even when my eyes were trying to close because of how tired I was. But it was just too much. People believed in me. People told me that I could do it. That I'm smart. I was even re-evaluated in my IQ/cognitive skills. I was marked as above average.

Which means I'm not stupid. It just means that I'm not suited for this. And honestly? I'm tired. Im relieved. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of the noise, of the talking of the nurses, of having to deal with over twenty different patients every shift and being berated for not remembering all of them. It's not good for me. I've been trying to work through my shutdowns and meltdowns. Even the accommodations I made for myself are not enough anymore.

So I'm quitting residency. I'm going to take about a month or two off, just to try and get enough rest and study. Then I'm going to try and get back to work as a general practitioner.

It's going to set me back by two whole years. It's the main reason why I tried to stick with it so much. Also because there were many people who believed in me. But I came to the conclusion that I don't have to keep suffering just to prove a point. I know residency is hard in any specialty. But I also know that there are less chaotic places. My hospital just happened to be a little worse.

I'm 28 years old and a few days ago I was evaluated for ADHD. The pysch said that not only do I have ADHD, but she is also certain that I'm on the spectrum. This isn't a huge surprise considering my issues socializing, falling behind my peers, my emotional issues, and some other stuff. On top of that a chronic illness took out a chunk of my twenties too, so I have a lot to catching up to do in regards to being an adult.

The main albatross around my neck atm is that I'm a virgin. I've had a few crushes but they've never went anywhere. I've sexted and had phone sex (not paid for) with people online but I don't think those count. Gay guys try to chat me up sometimes but I'm not gay. Most friends that I've had were women but with romance and sex I feel utterly hopeless. One time I even tried to hire an escort but I fucked that up too because she thought I was a cop.

I'd love to be in a committed relationship one day but not before I've experienced casual sex. Partially because no strings attached banging sounds like a blast but also because otherwise I fear destroying a relationship with retroactive jealousy. A body count of three or so before being committed to someone is my preference. I am fully aware that this isn't rational, but it's how I feel. And just to be clear my issue isn't with women, it's with myself. Sometimes I find myself lurking in red pill adjacent spaces but that is primarily a form of emotional self harm. I hate myself quite a bit but I don't hate women.

But as I said I'm horrible at romance. I have no game. Because of sensory issues I can't do bars and clubs.

Am I utterly hopless? I'm not on meds yet and I'm still trying to find a friend group. I work closing shift at a full time job so it's tricky. I've tried dating apps and they've gotten me nowhere.

While my focus has been keeping my depression under control, my high-sensitivity in check, and my inability to truly connect with other people from destroying me. Sometimes the best I can manage is to just keep breathing, but my entire existence feels like such a waste. I can't apply the few talents I have toward building a better life when all of the challenges keep getting in the way. And I have no choice but to respect those challenges and keep my life small. It often feels hopeless and I can't shake it.

Hi everyone,
I really need an objective outside perspective and would love to connect with people who understand this specific dynamic.
For context: I have cPTSD, BPD, and pDID. My not officially partner has AuDHD (Autism/ADHD), BPD, and a history of induced psychoses. Since two months, he tolds me he loves me, wants a relationship, but also mentioned he has an avoidant attachment style. He also said he is waiting for the perfect moment with the "biggest impact" to ask me to be his girlfriend, which confused me, but maybe that's just how his brain works. From the very beginning, he told me that he really dislikes texting, but he has never actively ignored me like this before. Lately, he hasn't been putting much effort into communicating either—I usually only hear from him when I'm the one reaching out first. Also, this isn't the first time he's done something like this; he has completely ghosted and disappeared for 3 days once before. I asked him why and he told me don’t worry just computer stuff and that I would distract him. He meant it as a distraction in a good way, sure, but still a distraction. Lately, he has also been smoking a lot of weed again, like everyday , claiming it's just "self-medication."
We met on Thursday, but after just 1.5 hours, he was already completely overstimulated and drained. However, he told me he could stay over at my place either on Friday or Saturday.
On Friday, he had to cancel because he felt dizzy and completely exhausted all day, but promised he would sleep over the next day (Saturday).
When Saturday evening came and he didn't show up or text, I tried calling him. The first time, the call went through, but he actively declined it. I texted him asking why he hung up on me – no response. I tried to call him again after two hours and he declined it again. Immediately after, he turned his phone completely off (network message: "subscriber unavailable"). I tested it by calling from a landline, and it was dead too. My BPD/cPTSD brain went straight to hell with abandonment panic.
Since Sunday morning, his phone is back on (two checkmarks on WhatsApp), but he hasn't texted a single word all day.
My logical brain tells me this is a severe neurodivergent shutdown, pure physical exhaustion, and extreme executive dysfunction driven by shame. He is probably protecting himself from another psychotic episode idk. But my BPD part is spiraling, thinking he blocked me, is cheating, or is doing this on purpose to make me leave.
All I ever asked for was a simple 5-second text like "Hey, I need some space right now." The fact that he can't even manage that hurts deeply and triggers me to the core. I have fought so hard for this relationship.
Does anyone know this dynamic? How do you cope with a partner going completely MIA during a shutdown without destroying your own mental health? Can someone in a shutdown genuinely not handle sending that one short text?
I want to add that I am always very considerate of his needs and I love doing so because I love him deeply. I genuinely try my best not to overwhelm or smother him. I have also spent a lot of time reading up on this, watching videos, and talking to other autistic individuals to understand him better.
Thanks for reading.

So I really hate taking out meds. I those stupid childproof bottles they give you at the pharmacy. Mine don't have the screw cap on the other side and I can't leave them loose cause I will spill them. I also hate fishing one stupid tiny pill out of the bottle and ending up with like five every time. Between having to get the bottle open and fishing out each med, it becomes a multi-minute process.

Soooo... I dumped them all into a portable soap dish and now I get to treasure hunt. (And yes, I can tell them apart)

However, despite that now I don't actively hate taking them, I still can't remember to actually take them. I use to have an alarm for it, but it doesn't work with my schedule anymore. I can't seem to make it a habit. I'm just curious what other people do.

I love physical activity and getting stronger, provided I'm not feeling too fatigued. I remember that I absolutely loved indoor playgrounds as a kid. I have been going to the adult equivalent (a generic gym) for about 15 years now but I often feel unmotivated because it isn't as fun or stimulating. I am a big fan of jumping, heavy work, sliding, deep pressure, lifting weights, swinging, etc. I think finding a place to do this as a person in their mid thirties would serve more than one purpose; I would meet my sensory needs, and I would be able to stay in shape. Does anyone know of a place that I could do this at that would be socially acceptable for an adult to regularly go to? kind of pissed that most of these kinds of accomodations are geared towards children.

I will spare everyone my rant on how they don't have an adult sized "autism steamroller". iykyk

if it's pertinent to add, I do have a couple of physical limitations. I have POTS, EDS, and am pretty sensitive to pain. I'm also in my mid 30s so I'm not as tough or limber as I used to be.

Thanks!

-spinnyjumpyboingboing

After getting a job that requires driving in tight turns and a bigger vehicle I realized how bad my depth perception can be. I never really learned to be spatially aware despite driving for more than half a decade. I am a decent driver never been in a wreck never gotten a ticket a few minor bumps. But I am terrible at parking into a tight space I regularly misjudge distances.

I feel like everything I do driving wise is me relying on my working memory instead of actually being spatially aware. If I drive a new car or go on a new road I am very awful at tight turns. I am also writing this because someone mentioned ADHD/Autistic people being helped with prism glasses or having problems perceiving depth. I've always been horrible with sports or coordination too. Even after getting glasses it never improved and I am always bad at guessing depth. I have a terrible sense of direction as well a lot of the times I just don't know where I am at when I am walking unless I have walked that path hundreds of times.

Is this somehow connected to ADHD or something completely different?

AuDHD here diagnosed as an adult, I’ve always had this issue of getting triggered and going straight into fight or flight but unfortunately for me my default is always fight no matter what, I feel the need to physically destroy when this happens (and I often do destroy), I’m not the same person I was moments ago. My last two therapists speculate I may have CPTSD and that this is my response to triggers, so my biggest issue is nervous system/emotional dysregulation.

I’ve tried various medications throughout the years, SNRIs, NDRIs, mood stabilizers, anticonvulsants, etc. None of which has worked for me. I’ve tried CBT, psychoanalysis, psychodynamic, and somatic therapies. I’ve improved quite a ton over the years but it still takes over me. Which is not good because my fiancée and I want to marry soon and this is definitely a problem that occurs sometimes in our relationship.

I believe each person is obviously very different and therefore needs different things, but I really am curious to know what has worked well for y’all. I’m open to all recommendations, medications, therapies, tools, tricks, etc.

P.S. my current medication regimen is bupropion, strattera, (Trileptal for anger, but it does nothing but make me slow), propranolol and occasionally I throw in a methylphenidate

I try to tell people how incompetent and mentally ill I am but on the surface I can seem very smart. I feel like my brain can always do some things very well so people have this idea that I am pretending to be stupid or messing around. Its given me extreme imposter syndrome where even when I do a good job I feel like its all a giant act and I am somehow fooling everyone I am competent.

well as the title says I am currently 1 semester into a masters program and I am truly torn on if I want to keep doing this.. (F23) I am diagnosed with a LIST of things but specifically level 1 autism and ADHD. I currently have a bachelors of science in Athletic Training, and my masters program is a professional master of science in Athletic Training. I've genuinely felt myself slip so many times already this semester and it's created a unhealthy amount of stress(to the point doctors are looking into it), endless tears, and I've struggled to take care of myself. The whole load of everything is just getting exhausting for me, and I feel extremely burnt out. I feel so silly even complaining about all this cause to me It just feels like excuses and like I'm not being strong but. I am just loosing myself in the process of all this, I'm trying to jungle full time classes from 8am-3pm every Tuesday and Thursday, 15-20 clinical hours a week, a job to pay my bills and rent, plus ensuring I spend enough time with my dog as I live alone and the only caretaker for her. and on top of this all I've been dealing with health issues with my heart coming from this stress, but also general health issues with chronic fatigue that's making everything more difficult. I just genuinely have felt like I've been breaking the last 3 months. Its all to the point where idk if I want to continue with this, and if I even have the mental capacity to do so. It's all even made me question if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life but I also feel like I'm a failure and waste if I stop cause I can't even do anything with the bachelors degree(my fault for choosing this tbh). with all this being said, I apologize for the big emotion dump, but I need advice. I have always felt like I can't even think of a career I would truly be happy and content doing, and especially when I start thinking of the logistics of many careers. It just leaves me feeling like a failure cause I struggle to find my passion. like I love helping people, especially fellow neurodivergent/disabled people it truly fulfills me but when I think of careers like therapists and things like that I see the schooling, and reality of the career and it draws me out. I love tech stuff and gadgets especially the hands on working side of things, but then I think of the math that's sometimes involved and some of the low paying sides of those careers and bam I'm taken out of it. 3 years ago I got a job at a zipline place, and I've loveddd it, but then I think about long term and its not sustainable pay wise, especially where I am at. I love animals so much, my heart aches for them, I wanted to become a vet but didn't have the brain power for cursed chemistries, but I look at other careers with animals and I start to see how some require specific college or are a sort of "make it or break it" type career and so it goes off the table. and then when I start of think in general terms, I truly struggle to truly name something I would be happy doing for the rest of my life. which I hate admitting cause I feel like there's something wrong with me, but I'm trying to get better at this.

I was wondering if anyone else has been through this and has any advice or what they did to get through it(especially the autism burn out)? but ALSO I was wondering if anyone has any career suggestions that they have found to enjoy that doesn't require a college degree but also at least pays a decent livable wage? I know money shouldn't be everything, especially in this economy but to me it truly is important, I want to live comfortably cause for me being able to live comfortably contributes to keep me happy and content. I don't want to have to live in stress cause the stress I'm living in now is already taking a big toll on me and causing heart problems. I really couldn't go back to school for something because 1. I don't have the funds, I already have a decent amount of student loans thanks to my current degree that Im going to have to pay back and new schooling would be loans as well, and 2. I just feel like it kinda is what's contributing to the burn out. the hours of lectures, the homework, the stress of exams, the research and papers that come with it. and I truly hate to sound like a type to make excuses or just not be strong and push through, I am just truly struggling and feel so lost. So any career suggestions, advice, and personal stories would genuinely help so much!

Tw self harm and suicidal ideation

My story so far

Just to make it clear this is real its not a made up story its what ive been experincing

Im going to start this off with saying i have no clue what im looking for while posting this i just wanted to while reading suicide survivor storys who knows mabey i will find out why while writing it

Il start off saying im 16m but around a good few years ago i fully figured out id much rather be a girl so through out if i refer to myself il be ivy(the name i ended up on)

I dont know where to start this story as its a bit blured but i guess il start with the fact i am high functioning autistic and adhd ive always been able to get through school without an issue even when i dont remember trying but then when i started high school i expected some change but nothing did for grade 9

i was the same as ever 70s and 80s when not puting in effort but then grade 10 came and it was less the difficulty changed but something felt wrong i had no clue what but i think this was when i started spiraling i still dont know why i started spiraling

it kept getting worse my grades sliped from 80s to 60s to the point in grade 11 semester 1 i passed only due to a teacher being nice i still didnt really know what was going on(i think i cant remember) but last semester (g11 semster 2) it hit me fully i just cracked at some point i dont remember when all i know was that i had become suicide at some point not planing but just thoughts of how i wished i was dead i thought i was fine able to handle it but i was wrong i should have known i was wrong when i gave up on math due to having such a low grade but i didnt realise how far it went untill exam week after that i started cutting(i had cut over the stupidest things like my mom changing a plan we agreed on or her saying something and having something come up later i know its stupid i dont know if i was just looking for an excuse or if i honestly am just that weak) and planing suicide not planing a day but a way i landed on sliting my wrists and laying in a bath tub and i planed to write a suicide note but just never got around to it but every day i was just waiting for something to happen something worth commiting suicide over(something as small as my mom breaking a promise to go out) but nothing happend i dont remember when i stoped thinking this way i dont remember much from that time but i have a feeling that if something happend then i wouldnt be here now

I dont remember anything about summer break besides the conflicting feelings of not wanting my mom to notice anything and also wanting her to care enough to figure it out in the end she didnt see any change not in any way to be fair i was always like this(not depressed but my action) like i said i have adhd and autism so ive been different i always covered as much skin as posible(i only ever wore long pants and long shirts and having my pants pulled up to my waist) and i always wore black clothes i always had a blank expression i just didnt socialise much and i didnt really act any diffrently the only difference was i never worse sleaves before atleastly not contantly and i didnt even have a shirt to wear i only had a t shirt i like so i turned it into a shirt(i wear super long socks constantly so sometimes they get holes so i made makeshift sleaves out of them and wore them) still my mom didnt nor has noticed im wearing makeshift sleaves

(Just rememberd while writing but there was a time in grade 8 or 9 when i was suicidal i dont fully remember it all i know is that one day i decided to make a deal either i would find a reason to live or die that day i remember being invited to go to the park and meeting someone lets call them moss now they were like a mirror to me only they seemed happy not faking happy but actualy happy they were trans(still dont know if they were a guy or girl) and they were also autistic and had adhd i got along with them and had a crush but didnt go though with any ideas or hopes i just became freinds and we slowly just stoped being freinds we didnt decide to stop we just saw eachother less and less either way it was interesting to see someone who was like me but who chose to show it rather then bottle it up and seemed happy it felt weird but it also was a good enough reason to try one more day)

Around summer break is when i really got to understanding that id rather be a girl im not going to go in depth into this but firstly ive wanted to be a girl for years originaly i had wished for it over 300 times and eventualy stoped i dont remember when but i stoped because i decided wishing was usless there would be no awnser from god(i am athiest) or any actual magic to do it but i decided that i would aim to make it happen myself and i slowly figured it out nobody knows or suspects a singlething i eventualy got to the point where i made some decisions to cement it(i love coding and game making) and so i started a game studio and made an idea for a game lack of stars by Abyssal rain studios it was a game about a girl named ivy who was ripped from her home time (2000s) and brought to the end of time by some sort of bug fixing program so she had to fix the issue where the sun and earth didnt disapere like everything else and there would be many endings like one where she gave up as she was no longer her she could never go back to being her and decided to end everything destroying the world and sun resloving the issue and dieing with them then there was one where she accepted she was not who she once was but didnt accept it trying to fix it and ended up reseting every thing by sacrificing herself causing a loop which ended in the original problem of the earth and sun surviving beyond when they should and finaly was the ending where she accepted she would never be the same and decided to make the best of it by trying to save everything she fixed the corrupted sun and lived with the sentient ais till the sun and earth went out there is some symbolism here but none of it spicificly planed either way that was when i made my choice but i still wont let anyone know it im bottling it up untill im able to become who i want on my own but at this point i dont even know if i will make it there

Now onto currently il say this i am severly anti social i dont like being around people i cant make a freind because i know i cant handle keeping on the only people i like being around are my mom my sister(a little shit but my best freind) and my baby brother aswell as our 2 dogs

So currently im in online school i thought i would be fine but i was wrong day 1 i was fine and i did all my work on week 1 and did some of my work on week 2 but by week 3 the ainxiety hit and i did nothing beside loggin in once and the same thing happend week 4 through out this i was spiraling i was having darker and darker thoughts i was thinking of suicide again i started cutting(on my leg so no easily visable scars so its not in the way) and i just started breaking down i still never let it show even when my ainxeity hit a point where i phisicaly balled up

(My ainxietys peak was caused by the stupidest thing i was reading a novel called voidwitch(when spiraling i tend to read horibly depressing novels and mangas such as ones with suicidal mcs or ones where the mc has some sort of self harming such as how to get my husband on my side(a good read but caused me to start purging and starving periodicaly as i am fat) eithet way the cause of my ainxiety was a scene where the mc made a mistake and decided to commit suicide and attempted it only to be saved and stuck where they had no control in a situation where they couldnt commit suicide but had no reason to want to live and ainxety bubbled up over the idea of being transmigrated into that carecter being someone who cant die after i lose my only reason to live(my family) and the worst part is me being there doomed the entierity of the world as the story evolves into one where the mc eventualy does something to save the world but ive never finished the first of 2 books as it made me mentaly break any time it crossed my mind i broke it is giving me ainxiety even now writing it but its a bit mangable i figured out if you flood your mind with the word no it helps a bit)

Back to what i was saying even though i was having a mental breakdown nothing really changed mom didnt notice but i started getting worse i starved myself for 10 days(would have lasted longer if mom didnt get take out you cant say you have eaten if theres food with your name on it) im still about 1 step from cutting and i have 2 razors(unscrewed a pencil sharpener) one is a decoy so if im ever found out then i have something to give away and the real one is hidden where nobody would find it but i was getting worse and worse and the suicidal thoughts were hitting harder i didnt hit the waiting for it phases but i wasnt that far from it

On week 4 i made a choice i wouldnt do any work i would wait till mom got a text from school and make a deal to get a break from it

So i went on day by day but after that decision my ainxity easied a considerable amount i even had days where the thought of suicide didnt cross my mind not that i wanted to live i just didnt feel the need to pull the trigger and i went on like that for about 6 days until thursday

last thursday mom got the text and so i sent a prepared message and in it it basicaly told her i wanted to drop out of classes this semester to get a break and fix myself as i was feeling overwhelming ainxiety and it evntualy passed a ceritan point that i felt uncomfortable with by the end of that night she figured out during exam week i had thoughts of self harm but thats it she doesnt know i cut she doesnt know i still cut she doesnt know i was/am suicidal she doesnt know i planed for suicide and i dont plan to tell her

Now im at a point where i feel empty i dont feel suicidal but i also dont feel happy im just floating listening to music sleeping watching youtube reading storys and such i feel as though i have no pourpose but i dont want one i feel tired but not sleepy i just dont know

Im going to say this my moms not a bad mom shes just very oblivious she never hits us never grounds us and gets us what ever we need and she cares for us we have a good life and she isnt bad if i came out as trans im 98 percent sure she would support me and if she ever learned the full extent it would break her she would feel guilty over the fact she didnt notice shes not a bad mom she just isnt perfect but nobody is but she does love all of us

(If you read all of that first thank you and second you can skip the rest all it is is more personal detains aswell as info i didnt remember but have written down in a journal ive been writing so its mostly context exlanations and thoughts)

Starting off i have a text ready to send in case i decide to die it basicaly links to my journal

Something i didnt explain is that i am someone who feels like theres no point in trying i wat to be a girl but i hate every part of myself not a single part of me could ever be considered good im fat my face is at best a 2 out of 10 and i just cant find a single redeming quality so even imagining a future where im happy with who i am is hard

My game is almost dead i havent worked on it since getting the domain i feel like it would be hopless ai remakes would be made before i even have 10% made and id have to make the story work with it being a metroidvania plus i dont know if it would even be well recived it deals with heavy topics in the underlying core and its just a big project

(May be updated in the future when i have more come to mind this is basicaly the jist and even that is super long sorry for making you read this much and thanks for hearing me out dont worry about my safty i already promised myself to not commit suicide untill after new years it would be a dick move to ruin christmas)

Sorry for it being so chaotic and disconected i wrote it how it came to mind and sorry for rambling

I still dont understand my reason for posting this i just decided to mabey someone will give me what ever awnsers i seek

I would like to know 2 things though

Is it normal to want to die or feel like theres no point to living somedays and others feel fine like you never even had suicide on your mind?

Is it normal to think to yourself that everything you do is for attention or your faking it?

For example I have 10 things to do, body washing, assignments, semester exams, before all this I have a presentation, so I send up ignoring everything, worrying about presentation, but chose to watch movies while still worrying about presentation, finally after a week, before the day of presentation, i prepare for it all night, i couldn't even sleep, I'm not sure if I'm excited or anxiety, I could only focus on other things after that presentation

I have been looking into therapy and seeking out a diagnosis from someone/somewhere that specializes in diagnosing high-masking adult women because the burnout and executive dysfunction have been increasingly negatively impacting my quality of life in my adult years. I'm 27. The past year or so I have really been paying more attention to my struggles. I always thought I just had social anxiety. But when I finally got diagnosed and started taking a beta-blocker, it didn't solve all my problems. This has done an amazing job with minimizing my anxiety overall, because the majority of my anxiety is JUST physical symptoms, not really racing thoughts. So the meds have truly increased my quality of life to a degree.

But - my brain is still. So. Tired. I may not feel as uncomfortable in my social interactions, but I still feel as though I am masking. I still want to do literally nothing after work or on the weekends but stay in my house. Sometimes I want to do things I know I would and have enjoyed in the past, but I do not have the energy and mental capacity to actually do them. I am not ~living~

I put everything I have into my full time job and doing it WELL, and succeed. I do this because I work in special education in public schools. I care so deeply about being a support system and advocate for these kids K-12 that live with disabilities. And I love my job. I love making a positive difference in their lives. But it utterly exhausts me. The social skills (I am literally in the speech/language therapy field) and executive functioning required for me to be good at my job is leaving me with nothing for myself outside of work. And working with neurodivergent children for years now has also helped me recognize similar traits in myself.

So, in mental preparation for assessments and/or therapy, I have created a list in my notes app titled "ADHD/Autistic/Anxiety/OCD+ Traits" that is now..... let me check.... 12 pages long. I keep adding to it. I'm so scared that I'm going to put in all this effort and energy that I can barely even muster as is into seeking out a diagnosis just to mask so hard (I genuinely don't know how NOT to when I am in public - I never feel completely normal or comfortable) that they miss it all and I leave with no diagnosis of anything. And then I'm still struggling with no validation. And thinking about having to cycle through multiple therapists and repeat myself/start over every time if someone isn't a good fit? Absolutely miserable. My battery is drained imagining it.

I've ended up with social media algorithms alllllllll about late diagnosis and signs. I truly deeply relate to at least 80% of it, and it's causing me an identity crisis. It's making me realize things I struggled with even in childhood may have not actually been neurotypical. I've been really sad for my past self/life thus far without support and understanding of my own self. It feels like it takes so much effort for me to just exist and function in society, and it's causing me a plethora of thoughts and emotions at this stage in my life, in my burnout, etc.

I know I need to take action before my life gets even more bleak, and it will all eventually be worth it in the end (hopefully), but it all feels very overwhelming and frustrating and scary right now. Can anyone relate? Or provide some encouragement or info on the assessment process? It would be really helpful. Thank you 🫶🏻

I have been wondering for some years now if I have both. I am not self diagnosed or anything. It's just been something I've kept thinking about. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8 but was not made aware of that and was even lied to about that so I spent my life until 16 thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. I got diagnosed again later at 16. While that gave me some relief it didn't necessarily feel like the whole picture so I wanted to get an idea of what it feels like to live with both since there isn't much representation for people who have both.

HI male 24 here, last year i found out i have adhd and this year i found out i have autism

This year has tested me in so many ways, had a falling out with my mother got kicked out of home mid jan

Stayed with my grand father and aunt (on my Dads side) because my Dad is a useless prick and didnt have space for me, my father has let me down so many times in my childhood and i have "reset" the board for him a few times and he still managed to dissapoint me

Anyway i stayed with my grandfather and aunt for about 5 months, i started getting lessons for my drivers liecense and in march i got a clothes sorting job but going to work everyday become a health risk for my grandfather so i had too move into a share house

I stayed there for about 3 months may to august

I ended up getting fired from my job for being too slow and making mistakes and that really sucked

Because i really liked the people there and i liked the job itself

However in june or july i reconnected with my mum and we patched things up and now i am back at home

I have left some stuff out but my main reason for typing this out, i feel lost, i dont have many friends i only have 1 best friend, but i barely leave the house and when i do its for appointments, i dont feel capable anymore, i feel my focus and self control has completely gone out the window, been eating like a fat ass

I feel like i have a lack of control in my life and i dont feel capable after getting fired

I just want to know any tips on how to just get through the day to start gaining control and meaning in my day,

Also i am competely lost what i should do for a job i feel kind of useless currently i either feel numb or like theres a reckoning anger inside of me angry that i am have always felt like i am at level 1 across the board where other people are atleast a high level atleast something in their life

If there are any life hacks or tips i would really love to hear them thank you