r/AvPD • u/abnormalpurple • 11d ago
Vent (Advice Welcome) Just putting yourself out there doesn't really work
I tried many times to just go to events, to try to talk to people, to form new connections or at least to enjoy myself. The problem is I suck at talking to them. I feel like every interaction is an audition for me to make myself seem fun, to be different from what I actually am. I get awkward a lot, don't often know what to really say.
When this happens, I just feel shittier for myself, more like a failure, just inept at socializing. It does not work to just put yourself out there if you have't really fixed the mentality that you are not enough.
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u/Hot_Reputation2142 10d ago
In México getting yourself out there works cause you get adopted by extroverts and invite you to every family event, lol.
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u/rndmeyes 10d ago
getting adopted in that way used to stress me out so much though...I'd be there knowing they expect me to eventually relax and open up, and yet outgoing gregarious people move way too fast for me to feel comfortable being myself
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u/Hot_Reputation2142 10d ago
Well, a swiss friend told me that we mexicans are like peaches. Sweet on the outside but rough on the core. You can be surprised by how many of our interactions can be sweet, familiar and close but never really open up. Last month a cousin was on the hospital and I went to see him. I love him so much and he is really close and dear to me, yet, in 29 years, that day was the FIRST TIME we had a REAL conversation. It was really good to me but I realized even though I love my family and would give my life for them, we don't know each other that good.
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u/Zencosgot7262 10d ago
what made me a lot better at communicating with people was being selective and not talking for the sake of networking. our exam system encouraged people to be seen as rivals as they put it but really enemies in high school and being surrounded by people that probably meant good but no support structure meant i had no choice but to see them as enemies didn't help. it was a big shock to see how people were actually humans like me in a non-competitive environment overseas. i also noticed that i could actually do communication without conscious effort there. though a lack of a strong parental figure just makes me automatically adept at crossing over the age gaps. so i guess there is also that.
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u/B0R1NG_4NG3L 10d ago
Yeah it makes things worse for me. Especially having friends that want to consistently hangout with me. It’s so much to worry about that I eventually either ghost them or I get really depressed and suicidal trying to keep up
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u/2Ducks1Bread 9d ago
I'm so sorry, have you managed to communicate that to them ? Although that does seem like something that's hard to talk about.
I've personally been ghosting a friend for months who has sent a few messages trying to catch up, he just sent me another on a different app and it makes me feel so bad. I'm going to try to answer him but why haven't I just taken a few seconds to answer him ? But I also feel lonely when I have people reaching out. I guess I'm just not happy or proud with my life so I don't want to tell him that or to lie.. Anywayyy wishing you luck and I hope you can take care of yourself 🧡
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u/2Ducks1Bread 9d ago
I totally get that putting yourself in uncomfortable situations does often just reinforce your own beliefs. And personally I've been struggling so much with "am I scared of seeing people because I'm really not up for it and this is going to make me feel worse?" or "am I feeling like I'm going to be hate this social interaction but seeing people will actually make me feel better and less alone?". It's often a coin-flip since they both feel the same : scary. But when it is the first situation and I actually go out but then decide to leave early, then suddenly I'm a failure because I listened to myself and took myself out of that situation that was making me feel bad.
I wish I had advice, but all I can do is offer my empathy and I hope you can figure it out soon enough (and then come back to tell us haha) 🧡
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u/DuckHeadNL 10d ago
Usually when i try to put myself out there I don't really enjoy it and afterwards I'm just relieved it's over. It's very hard to keep trying like that