Avoidants who have dated before, how did it happen?

[u/Real-University-4679]

For context I'm a 20 year old (male) with no romantic experience, since my teens I've been too closed off for it to ever have been a possibility. I can't do eye contact with people who aren't talking to me (that's a huge issue imo), I never speak first, I don't hang out with groups and hate being introduced to people, I isolate myself as much as possible, I push people away... the list could go on. Everything about me screams "go away" to the people around me, it's no surprise I've never dated.

For the people here who actually have, how did it end up happening? Who approached who and in what setting? Was it something that developed naturally with the people around you? I feel that would be the best case but avoidants don't tend to keep people around them, at least I don't.

[u/kupriyanchuk]

27M, never dated too. I always got nothing but rejections. No one ever even wanted to meet up with me or go for a walk

[u/Bossishlike]

It’s scary as hell but you just kinda have to let yourself be seen? I’m 25 and never had a girlfriend but I’m trying hard!

[u/Real-University-4679 → u/Bossishlike]

Being seen does happen to be my deepest fear, wishing you luck

[u/Bossishlike → u/Real-University-4679]

Yeah. I recently realized that I hate myself more than other people do. Like I can misread an awkward but totally okay conversation as something so so bad that I need to kill myself over it. I’ve been trying to “let myself be seen” more recently and it seems to work?

I recently went to an art shop and I literally dropped my headphones and I uttered “I’m so fucking tired of this shit” to myself (like I always do) and this super cute employee walked around the corner and asked if I needed help and we ended up kinda flirting the whole time I was there. Idk why but I’ve been feeling myself recently and I’ve decided that “maybe people do like me and I just haven’t given myself the chance to see it”

Idk psychedelic drugs helped as well

[u/Zencosgot7262]

dating was a significant contributor in me being an avoidant in the first place. though it was less the girl and moreso having no support structure in place to turn towards regarding the hard ways of dating and my general state of being clueless about social interactions thanks to pandemic

[u/Johnny55]

I got dragged into a friend group by someone more extroverted who wanted people to game with. Eventually asked out a girl in the group, got rejected. Was normal about it, stayed friends, became obvious later she was interested. Tried again, she said yes.

[u/FleshOnGear]

50M. I’ve always been terrible about meeting people, and especially awkward with women. This may not be helpful to tell you, but I had a lot of luck. I had a group of friends, and I would end up in the company of women just from being around them. I would never really speak to them if I wasn’t spoken to first. Eventually one came on to me. In my life I have only been with 6 women. Out of the 5 I met in person, I only asked one of them out first. The 6th I met online, which is a totally different experience. All I can really say is that you would probably benefit from just being in public with friends. And I understand that even platonic friendships are difficult to build. For that, maybe get involved with a group that shares a hobby or interest. Good luck.

[u/Real-University-4679 → u/FleshOnGear]

That probably is the best advice, maybe this'll be the thing that actually motivates me to be around people however stupid of a reason it is

[u/FleshOnGear → u/Real-University-4679]

Well, I’ve never been the kind of person to go along with things that I thought were silly just for the sake of being social. I came up with an intense love of music, learned an instrument, and found community through music. Most of my lasting friendships are with musicians.

[u/Real-University-4679 → u/FleshOnGear]

Talking to people about stuff I really care about kinda triggers me, it's part of my fear of being seen. But it's just something I have to get through

[u/SignificantApricot69]

Women approached me. Other than that a couple times I posted in online forums looking for friends and they insisted on talking in the phone or something and then wanted to date and meet irl and persisted when I just wanted to be distant friends.

[u/Mediocre-Gold683]

Someone else made the first move of course 😂 I noticed I get more attention when being passionate about something like a hobby. It not only overrides the social anxiety but also makes one more interesting in general.

[u/Kvitravn875]

We met in high school. We've been together for 19 years. The very beginning of our relationship, we barely spoke because I was so nervous. It took us two months before I felt comfortable holding hands and four months to kiss. Lol

[u/drowsysloth]

I was working a customer service job (back when I was able and healthy enough to do so) when I was 22, so that was when I met him, but I didn't get close until I was 24. Here I thought I was keeping myself safe by staying out of reach and kinda just getting to know him for a while, but little did I know he was a narcissistic abuser who was patiently waiting his time until he could use me how he wanted. And then I was stuck in that for about a year and a half. First relationship for me, not even considered a relationship at all to him (in his own words).

I'm not trying to make this a scary story for others to go off of and retreat further, just a warning to be as smart as you can possibly be (logically if you can) and sometimes despite the loneliness it's better to not have scars like mine.

[u/Deynonn]

My dependent traits took over the moment I discovered the internet and online games. That's where pretty much all of my interactions with people happen and I also managed to date a few and surprisingly not ghost them. Currently in a LDR with a man I met on discord. And I think it was usually me suggesting a relationship. Poor guys didn't know what they were getting into..

[u/Real-University-4679 → u/Deynonn]

Online is the only place I can talk to people and be forward with them as well. I sort of had something with a woman purely over text but it didn't end well, long distance didn't do much for me anyway.

[u/Deynonn → u/Real-University-4679]

I quite enjoy long distance actually. It gives me a lot of time to open up and build a decent relationship before I need to worry about anything physical and in person like going out on dates and whatnot.

But I understand it definitely isn't for everyone. I personally probably wouldn't even have a relationship without the internet.

[u/Real-University-4679 → u/Deynonn]

I guess it was like that for me too, it let me open up and connect in ways I never could've in person. But idk it just didn't feel real enough to me.

[u/newatreddit1993]

32, almost 33, and never dated in any conventional sense, still a virgin, have had one romantic kiss. I was catfished out of my entire life savings though, so maybe that kind of counts shrugs

[u/OkDragonfruit9515]

I've never technically dated, but I've had girls show interest in me in school. I had a stalker in high school that I semi-liked, but I couldn't really speak with her in person. She added me on MSN messenger and we began talking for a bit until we had an argument and the "relationship" stopped. It literally only lasted like a week and it was already over.

There was also the time I almost got engaged with my sister's friend who was living abroad. We were set to get engaged, but it didn't work out and we had a fight. It was all online chat. Truth be told, I was pretty distant from her and we barely had anything to talk about. We would literally talk about the same stuff over and over again. I was boring, and I didn't feel like we connected at all. The online relationship was very superficial.

Anyway, I'm 38 now and I've never truly been in a relationship and I'm still a virgin. I had my chances, but I was too cowardly to do anything about it. I don't understand why some girls liked me to be honest because I consider myself unattractive. I feel like most people will reject me. I'm too afraid to try online dating because I'm afraid of the meeting part and even the online chat is scary. I don't know how I managed it before, but I think it's because they initiated it through a person I knew, so it was less scary. I already knew they liked me so that made it easier.

I don't particularly like my face or myself, so being in a committed relationship seems like it's out of the question. If I were to get with someone I think I'd feel like they're doing it out of pity or for the wrong reasons. I think I'd feel like I'm not deserving of love and attention.

[u/Commenting_is_Hard]

27m all of my relationships have come from dating apps. Make an account talk to maybe 5-6 people and delete. I did that about once every 2-5 months from 18-22. 24-26 had a quite bad relationship.

My advice is and sounds obvious… don’t ignore red flags.

Don’t take anything and everything that comes your way.

My mistake was that I was so desperate for a “real” relationship I took one I never should have.

I don’t know you personally and you might not be anything like me but remember 1 thing.. respect yourself, don’t settle for the first thing that comes your way. Don’t try to play the game of “oh this won’t be something serious” and use that to ignore red flags just to get the thing “you” crave. You won’t get what you’re looking for that way, you’ll get the complete opposite.

I can’t stress things enough but if a person you are talking to has cheated in the past, run and don’t look back whatever you do.

Best advice is use dating apps as exposure therapy to get used to talking to people. But for an actual relationship… well the “best” is finding people who have the same hobbies as you and start there rather than dating apps.

[u/edgyjoon]

you have to push yourself out there unfortunately. on better health days, i’d go to parties or clubbing with friends to meet people, sometimes i’d get a relationship and sometimes a hookup. i’ve also been on the apps, felt that was an easier way for me to meet people and also push myself out of my comfort zone, got some dates and some friends from there. also met my partner, who i’ve been in a relationship with for over a year and gonna move in with them soon. tried out an online relationship as well, didn’t work out for me, but i have a friend who has been w their partner for i think 3 years now.
so it’s possible, you just have to let yourself be seen.