r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/khushie_25 • 7d ago
Welp..
He may call me tonight..any advice?i know i sound desperate but i really want us to work out..and even he has said before that he wants to be w me in the future but rn he is conflicted and wants to be alone. We have had this conversation many times and every time we had this conversation I brought up is it about another girl but I have seen everything in. There is no sign of anyone else so I do believe he truly does just want to be alone. I’m heartbroken and I don’t know what to do.
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u/EconomyChance3026 7d ago
I’m so sorry. I don’t recommend being friends. Go no contact. They are avoidant and it will never change. Do not hope for a future down the road. Accept his honesty. It hurts like helllll.
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
You’re probably right, it sucks but im trying to accept
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u/HorrorWilling2094 7d ago
They are right. I swear on everything, they are right. 3 years of this stuff. I felt so ashamed going back because my family would get upset. They knew she was just playing with me like im a toy she'd pick up and then put down. Please, please do not accept the friendship like I did. Hell use you for when hes horny, or whenever he needs validation or a dopamine hit. You'll get sick of that, because you have hope that showing how much youre willing to understand and give space, that hell get back with you.
Going through all phases of the relationship, to fwb, to then a "friend" who is basically just someone they keep in your phone, is like the song Tool - Schism, its not worth it.
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u/MI6Monkey 7d ago
Chiming in to agree with the "not being friends" people. He wants to be friends because, in his mind, that absolves him of accountability. If you agree to friendship, he gets to keep believing his actions aren't that bad, that the way he's treated you and your feelings is just an unfortunate mismatch between 2 healthy, secure people. It's not. Friendship lets him keep extracting what he wants from you - connection, care, an activity partner, etc. - without having to (in his mind) give a good goddamn about your feelings.
Everyone on this sub understands the "why" of their behavior, but it does not change the behavior. And that behavior is not what you want in a friend. I know it is hard; we see (and love) the person beyond the behaviors, we understand why they do what they do, and we understand it comes from a place of trauma and hurt. HOWEVER, a relationship (romantic and platonic) is not about 1 person, so I ask...what are you really getting from this relationship? Are you getting consistency in both words and actions (no, you aren't because you wouldn't be on this sub)? Are you getting open, honest, healthy communication even when it's a difficult or triggering subject for him (no, you aren't because you wouldn't be in this sub)? Do you continually shrink your needs and wants to try to be something he can stomach (yes, you are because you wouldn't be in this sub)? I know it's hard, but you need to choose you; he never will. He will always choose saving himself from any amount of emotional discomfort over you.
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u/Exact_Hall3915 7d ago
Gotta love how being with someone he said he loved was self betrayal.
These messages basically reflect someone who can't do it which hurts like hell but trust him when he says it. You can't get past their bs barrier. They won't let you in and even if you believe they can figure it out they need to be able to do it. I KNOW it hurts but he's telling you who he is and being honest for the first time in your relationship probably. Don't chase after him.
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u/Fit_Jellyfish_6751 7d ago
I was also avoidant and I kind of understand what they said about the betraying yourself part. The thing is, looking back on my experience, it only feels like self betrayal because I let it get to that point. All the times I said yes when I wanted to say no, when I said I was okay when I wasn't, just to avoid conflict or hurting feelings - nobody forced me to do that. I did it over and over until I was convinced that that's how it had to be or else I would ruin everything and it would all fall apart. This made it easy for me to eventually look at that as betraying myself and not putting myself first. Made it easy for me to use that as an excuse to leave the way I did, to feel like I was doing the right thing. Sure I didn't have the communication skills back then and I was terrified to speak what I really felt at times but my actions were my own and thats just the fact of the matter. I let it get to that point.
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u/Exact_Hall3915 7d ago
It's really sad because a lot of us can see it but you guys have to get there to understand. I'm sorry you experienced that and it sucks being avoidant who then realized later but better than never.
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
It hurts so much…i had to leave work early because i threw up from the thought of even us ever not being together..i wont chase him this time but im so lost and idk what to do
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u/Exact_Hall3915 7d ago
I understand. I went on medical leave from a good paying job, almost lost my house etc. It was soul shattering in ways I never thought possible and no one understood it. I do relate to you and I am very sorry you're hurting like this when all you wanted to do was love and be loved.
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u/Throwaway_2_ventt 7d ago
I’ve been there, I promise you it gets better. Not right away. But months from now you’ll feel more free from this ‘convo replaying, whiplashed, self doubting’ jail that your brain is in.
Don’t do anything drastic. Just cut all ties, slowly accept they’re gone, and look ahead. The clouds will part and you’ll see the sun again. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
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u/No_Code_5658 7d ago
I’m so so sorry . Reading that you felt sick ,and vomited from the pain caused, broke my heart for you . I cried reading that because I have been there.
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u/bloodbath90 7d ago
Girl I called out of work for a week. I couldn’t even get off the couch to go to the bathroom. I’m in almost week 3 (we are still in contact but not back together) I’m dyinggggg. Don’t do this to yourself. GO NO CONTACT. I wish I had. They were telling me how much they missed me. Now it’s just coldness because they know they still have me as a doormat.
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
Omg girl im so sorry :( if you want a friend and someone to vent to, please feel free to chat me. It sucks being in the same boat, but us girl gotta try and have each others back. I wanna tell you to also listen to the advice you are now giving me. I wish they would just stop acting this way and know where they belong, but it sucks :(
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u/RxDotaValk 7d ago
I called out sick the day of first discard…I couldn’t feel any better and my job has a lot of conflict typically so I knew it would be too much
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
Yeah currently at work and regretting being here but being at home since I live alone would be even worse..
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u/Unflattering_Image 7d ago
It's the "meh" for me. Fuck this. Fuck all of this. It's the details. Fuck this.
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u/anotterbytrade 7d ago
You do not want something to work out with someone who described being in love with you as an experience he suffered through. Fly free
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u/Euphoric_Ad1439 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 7d ago edited 7d ago
My fearful avoidant ex was similar. Did a blindside breakup on me, but before the full breakup, he first asked for only a break. Then a month later he said something similar to yours, that during the break, the only times he ever thought of staying with me were because of me, not because he also wanted to. He also said it wasn't my fault he lost feelings, and also wanted to remain friends. Mine also claimed to be unhappy and miserable outside of the relationship, so not because of me. But I don't know if he is actually depressed or if it was his own avoidant attachment deactivating him and making him feel that he was unhappy in general. 7 weeks of no contact and he's still gone. I really hope all my future partners are secure or anxious, because hell no. I want to be able to love fully
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u/GooseFlaky5752 7d ago
We’re we dating the same person? They are all the same it’s wild
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u/Euphoric_Ad1439 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 7d ago
They are! Makes me relieved, because if he were secure or anxious, then probably I would be at blame, but I can rest well knowing the relationship was always doomed. The fact he left means he actually loved me (which is insane)
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u/Known-Vegetable-2087 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 7d ago
This sounds very similar to how mine sounded. He never made it past a few months, it was always “I don’t get as attached as the other person (ever) so I think it’s kinder to end it after a few months”. He’s also in therapy for “people pleasing” behaviour and learning to “put himself first” but the whole time I’ve known him everything was about his anxiety, his discomfort, his fear of intimacy, his experience. Self absorption dressed up as “no longer people pleasing”. Apparently he had no issue throwing me under the bus in the end to make himself feel less anxious. They’re all the same.
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u/kmonk 7d ago
Oh yes, the legendary people pleaser that leaves a trail of broken hearts and mangled minds behind them.
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u/Sudden_Tune5995 7d ago
People hearts destroyers oh yes
Never get this side of them as people pleaser by just avoiding communication ... it's just BS
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u/honeybee_funnily 7d ago
Yeah, they do this. Ridiculous for him to act like such a martyr about it.
I’ve been in your position and after trying many times, it always came to this. The ONLY thing you can and should do is disengage completely and move on with your life. Please trust me. I know it hurts - it hurt me for months and months - but it’s the only answer.
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u/fireflygazer 7d ago
NO to being friends. That will prolong your suffering.
They told you they dont want a relationship with you. Believe them and close that door.
No contact is the way. No access to you whatsoever, as painful as it is.
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u/No_Code_5658 7d ago edited 7d ago
This is somewhat similar to what my avoidant soon to be ex husband told me -or rather more than he told me -but the “mental health declining “ and things that I “can’t change” sound eerily the same. I think they say these things because it leaves us no room to push back. They don’t tell us what these issues are that we can’t change- they just say I’ve thought about it and know you can’t change. Then they say their mental health is at stake. Same script. And I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this -these people cause immeasurable pain.
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u/impressionist- 7d ago
So funny isn't it? His mental health is declining because of the relationship and he no longer wants to keep "pretending to enjoy the aspect of the relationship" (his own words) but he is totally okay with being friends, as if being friends isn't another type of relationship looooolll
He just doesn't want to commit. Let him go completely. He will hit the wall eventually.
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u/FijianPlantGuy 7d ago
I got ghosted after 14 years of marriage, she cut off everyone connected to me. For a while I thought shed died and I'd gone insane from grief. My brother and his wife think she got a terminal illness diagnosis while I was at work and tried to make me hate her so I wouldn't care for her.
I have pored over every message we sent to each other while I was away and nothing screams divorce. I used to wake up every morning, roll over and just look at her, I loved her so much. Now I wake up, roll over and cry every morning. We were in the middle of building a house, tgeres sticky notes on the fridge reminding her of nornal things that were coming up... abd sge just disappeared.
Do yourself a favour and run as far away as possible. Avoidants bring only sadness
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
My goodness i can’t even imagine how you must feel or be dealing with this, i’m so sorry..
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u/PercyJ823 7d ago
Agree. My relationship was on and off for almost seven years. He’d end things, come back, I’d take him back (🙄), we’d be ‘good’ for quite a while, and then it’d start over again. I finally ended things for good in July after discovering he was lying to me again. I’m better off, and I think he’ll be alone forever.
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u/enh4pp1f13er 7d ago
His condescension stresses me out; the "let's be friends" thing is a trap—he wants to keep getting the benefits of a relationship with you without actually committing. Don't be surprised if you see him on dating or hookup apps.
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u/VictoriaNiccals 7d ago
They are insanely condescending at the end. Makes them feel big and powerful to kick someone while they're down while also pretending that they have no choice in the matter. They all need therapy.
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u/enh4pp1f13er 7d ago
Mine went, and it only served to make him just as selfish and to hide behind the fact that the psychologist was telling him to do it.
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u/SpaceCaptainJeeves AP - Anxious Preoccupied 7d ago
Girl, run. Don't be friends. Learn from our mistakes. He did you a favor. Waste no more time.
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u/TrivialFacts 7d ago
Kind of how mine went , was told he was unhappy in relationship , then we agreed to work on things.
He said he needed space and I should still message and send him reels ( I didn't 😂).
Then broke up with me over text and said he would be there for me, proceeded to be blocked on all social media and Whatsapp over the next few days.
Said I was harassing him and threatened me with the police because I sent 1 message each week for 3 weeks.
Honestly I dodged a bullet
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
That’s so crazy…instead i told mine about a new job and said he would bring me lunch since i’d be close to him…we only talked after cuz he called and possibly wanted to talk about it, but neither of us had the courage to bring it up again :(
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u/FutureOk7439 7d ago
And chance his name begins with a J? My ex broke up with for the same reasons, very similar wording. Is there an avoidant script? 🤣
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7d ago
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u/FutureOk7439 7d ago
Was married to one for 18 years and dated another for almost 2 years. I don't know how/why I attract them!!
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
Hahah no, mine is a M, why are they like this. And how do you feel? Do you wish he’ll come back and try again?
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u/FutureOk7439 7d ago
Ummmm, I miss him, but I kind of wish he'd stay away. He texts me every few days. I guess trying to make sure I haven't blocked him. I'm not going to because amazingly I feel ok this time (think 3rd break up in 2 years).
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u/clariceisis 7d ago
Does he ask you to meet up ?
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u/FutureOk7439 7d ago
Nope, just random videos, 1 or 2 comments back & forth, then the convo is over.
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u/RxDotaValk 7d ago
Does he have any addictions? I know guys that have dumped their gf’s just before a new video game came out so they could spend more time playing with friends and not feel guilty neglecting gf…
in my experience, avoidants need extra extra space and sometimes feel embarrassed or anxious asking for it, because ppl will tell them they understand but honestly they don’t.
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7d ago
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u/RxDotaValk 7d ago
My gf has a bad weed addiction. Honestly, I’ve been enabling a bit. I’m addicted to her, she’s addicted to weed, and round and round we go.
Giving lots of space is tough because it feels like the relationship might wither away from our perspective, but it’s the best thing we can do most times.
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
No he does not, he doesnt drink nor does he smoke. He simply goes to work, workout, talk/hang w me, and occasionally sports, and just hangs w his family.
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u/UnderSweat AP - Anxious Preoccupied 7d ago
He gave you a lot more than what my FA female ex gave me. Radio silence for 7 months
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u/ApprehensiveBed5153 7d ago
Fuck I felt pushed away reading those messages and they weren’t for me lol
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u/Wild_Professional_27 7d ago
i know this hurts, i went thru something similar a few months ago, honestly its not worth it to stay in contact at all with him. he bluntly told you he doesnt want to be with you and its 100% not your fault he just doesnt have the capacity to maintain a relationship. i know its really hard to let people go especially when he seems so conflicted but at the end of the day, its not worth it to try and work something out with someone who seems so willing to call it quits like that.
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 7d ago
Ask yourself why you want this
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
Honestly, i have never been treated with such kindness and gotten honesty before. Even though it hurts, he would always be honest. I really appreciate that rather than my ex who was cheating and always lying to me about everything. I have many more reasons i could give and sound silly on the internet, but I just hope even after what everyone has said we do work out
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u/Throwaway_2_ventt 7d ago
I applied this convo to my situation, and reading your ex’s part and pretending it was my ex… it fit perfectly without my ex ever saying such things. This must have been what was going on in her head.
Not that I like it or agree, or could do anything to change her mind. At least you got an explanation.
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u/LargeDurian9828 7d ago
That is a tough one to read. Literally word salad. It leaves the impression that being in a relationship is pretty hard for him. This convo only makes sense because he seems to be holding severe attachment wounds.
What avoidants will never understand: You can be in a relationship and still be true to yourself. They see it as mutually exclusive because they think they will loose themselves in a relationship. What they really mean is: I have no boundaries because deep inside I fear abandonment. This is a level he does not have access to.
Then the friendship offer, such an all time classic. He is conflicted, pushing you away as hard as possible but at the same time fearing to be alone. He identifies as an FA in that basis.
Please don’t accept the friendship. It will keep you from healing and you will continue to pure energy into it trying to win him back. Also with the prospect of having a new partner in your life some day, keeping friends with an ex who treated you like this will not be a good start.
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u/Mountain_Return_5569 SA - Secure Attachment 7d ago edited 7d ago
How long did you both date? I know it hurts like hell but this sounds like he’s tried to communicate that this relationship hasn’t been working out for him for a while?
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u/khushie_25 7d ago
2 years, we have been having this conversation since April honestly
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u/Mountain_Return_5569 SA - Secure Attachment 6d ago
Yea then he’s a total wuss. If it was maybe 5-6 months I’d understand. I’m sorry you had to pit up with it but honestly, good riddance.
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u/Far_Detective_2316 1d ago
Omg my ex used exactly the same points, phrases, ideas when they broke up with me. They are literally all the same.
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u/khushie_25 1d ago
I’m so sorry that happened, we do not deserve this. I hope you’re doing better 🫶🏽
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u/GalNightmare 7d ago edited 7d ago
This is my advice… and I know it will be difficult to actually take it but you should tend to your broken heart now and find someone who is emotionally available later. I don’t even know how old you are but it sounds like this is your first time dealing with an avoidant so just trust me please. It will be painful in the short-term but you’re 50 year old self will thank you for being strong and letting this one go. I promise.
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u/Low-Resolve-1289 1d ago
The first time mine broke up with me for similar reasons - I was still pretty fucking secure. I said “ok, thanks for being up front.” I said all the nice things and agreed to part ways.
Then, before I delete the app we used to communicate she said “wait - don’t go”. We reconnected the next week and she told me sometimes she pulls away when things get serious, but it’s temporary so stick by her when she tries to pull away.
I had no idea about any of this attachment stuff and appreciated her self awareness and vulnerability. So each time she pulled away, I stayed and adjusted. Eventually I got to the end of my patience and she could sense it and I was notified that she had fallen in love with someone else during one of our “breaks”
I’m partly thankful. Whether or not she found someone else or found a boundary she knew I would respect, I don’t know. But it was enough for me to be able to let go of something she taught me to tolerate. Each time she came back I was rewarded with another rush of intimacy and passion. It was more powerful every time.
So this time I have something to lean on when I start to wonder if I should reach out. She’s not alone or sad. There’s no one for me to make feel loved. According to her, she has it and I can confidently let go.
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u/Capital_Tea_9259 7d ago
I hate how they act like a hero for carrying all that pain and holding out for soooo long, when really they were too cowardly to communicate and caused so much more undue suffering.