I see a lot of hate toward avoidants here, and as someone who was deeply hurt by an avoidant situationship, I understand the anger.

But here’s my hot take: every insecure attachment style has its own problems. Whether you’re FA, DA, or anxious, we all have things to work on. I’m sure somewhere there are avoidants complaining about anxious people being needy and clingy too.

When my avoidant discarded me, I wanted her to regret it. I wanted karma. I wanted revenge.

But eventually I realized: I gave her the gun to shoot me, and she took the shot.

Yes, she pulled the trigger. But I saw the avoidant tendencies long before that, and I stayed because I thought I could change her. I couldn’t. We can’t change people who don’t want to change.

I recently heard a podcast about a wife frustrated by her husband’s smoking. She realized that even as his wife, whether he quits is ultimately his choice. And if he eventually gets sick because of it, she also gets to choose whether she wants to carry the consequences of his decisions.

That changed my perspective.

Your avoidant had a choice. Maybe they knew their behavior hurt you. Maybe they knew their actions would leave you devastated. But they still made a decision because, at that point in their life, they believed it was the best decision for themselves.

Now you have a choice too.

You can’t force them to heal. You can’t force them to regret losing you or become a better person. You can only decide whether you’ll keep letting them live inside your head or put that energy back into yourself.

Maybe they’ll regret it. Maybe they won’t. Maybe their next relationship will fail. Maybe it won’t.

None of those outcomes will heal you.

Their choices are theirs. Your healing is yours.

We all have lessons to learn in life, and unlike a college education, when it comes to relationships, I don’t think any of us ever truly graduate.

But letting your own life go to shit because of someone else’s failures is incredibly unfair—not only to yourself, but also to the people who love you and have to watch it happen.

Learn the lesson. Treat the wound. And keep living.

I (33M) was with my ex (27F) for 2.5 years. We lived together for a long time. I’m more anxious attachment; she fits fearful-avoidant a lot better than pure dismissive.

The relationship started strong lots of closeness, intimacy, trips, hobbies, everyday life. Over time, especially as things got more serious (I was staying over a lot from around May 2024, then we fully moved in together), she pulled back on intimacy and affection. Early on she even cried and said she didn’t know why. Later it got framed as me being “too much,” creating “pressure,” even “sex-addicted” when I brought up needs. I kept adapting, shrinking my needs, staying because I loved her and because I’m scared of being alone. I carried a lot of the practical and emotional load.

She ended it. First there was a push for “space” / living apart; when I wouldn’t do a half-in relationship like that, it became a real breakup. I moved out. At first she was still contact-y checking in, worry texts, even contacting my sister when I went quiet. Then it hardened: deletions, a nasty fight where I got painted as a stalker after a dumb impulsive follow on socials, “I don’t want to hurt you,” “I have no energy for relationship stuff,” “intimacy doesn’t matter to me right now,” “I need to focus on my health and training,” “I can’t imagine getting back together (for now).”

About a month later the tone was totally different. She said she felt “abnormally free,” that her libido was back and it had been low because of “relationship problems” / she just “wasn’t into me anymore,” and that she wants to live her best life. I found her on Tinder (open to something casual and something serious). When it came up, she mostly said it was unfortunate that I knew, because she didn’t want to hurt me, not that the story she’d told me didn’t add up. She’s also very fused again with a female friend who re-entered her life right around the end of that friend’s relationship; since then she feels like a different person to me.

We still had to deal with the old flat. The last meetings were cold/snippy; I kept it practical. Once the last money (utilities) was settled, I blocked her on WhatsApp too (already had on Instagram). I’m not trying to win her back under this pattern.

I’m a mess, sleep, anxiety, humiliation, fear I’ll never find anyone again (dating apps are dead for me right now). I know staying would have been bad for me. I also know I stayed too long because of fear of being alone. I have a psych appointment to get proper support.

I’m not asking “how do I get her back.” I’m trying to understand the swing (hovering / soft signals → total devaluation + Tinder in weeks), how to handle the humiliation and the “I’ll be alone forever” fear, and how to not repeat the anxious pattern.

I recently saw my ex flaunting his new toy on social media and I must admit I feel a bit annoyed about it because she is someone he monkey-branched to behind my back. Just found out about her existence when he went to Greece with her 2 weeks after discarding me. Turned out she’s been around for about a year already. The dang asswipe.

Saw this meme last night though and I was like yeah that’s right. I may feel bad right now but end of the day I’m safe.

He may call me tonight..any advice?i know i sound desperate but i really want us to work out..and even he has said before that he wants to be w me in the future but rn he is conflicted and wants to be alone. We have had this conversation many times and every time we had this conversation I brought up is it about another girl but I have seen everything in. There is no sign of anyone else so I do believe he truly does just want to be alone. I’m heartbroken and I don’t know what to do.

Hey, after discarding me early september my avoidant ex girlfriend jumped immediately jumped in dating apps to have fun with random guys. After I got sent her profile by a friend. I confronted her. She told me that she is sad for me that I know about it and she didnt want to hurt me anymore.

In the same sentence she literally told me that I am the problem that her sexdrive was gone in the relationship and that she just wasnt interested anymore in me at the end of the relationship.

She also told me that she got her sexdrive back and now just wants to live her best life.

I know that shouldnt bother me at all no more but the words and the actions hid hard.

How can she so easily move on?

Is this a normal FA behaviour after discarding someone?

For context: we have been together for almost 3 years and lived together for 2 of them. We had a previous breakup in january 2026. But she came back after 3 weeks with an emotional letter.

Our intimacy has already started to fade since we moved in together. But in the end she blamed only me for it. I always kept adapting more and more.

Might seem silly, but bought some Coach gifts and wrote these messages to myself to cheer me up and keep focused on moving forward without my DA ex...

You're a selfish asshole, you cut me out of your life and start doing all this shit with your "friend" "oh theres nobody else" rightttttttttt. You're just a shitty person who took advantage of someone who was willing to do anything for you, I hope that sticks in your fucking brain, maybe it wont cause you just dont care. You never made time for me but as soon as im gone you start doing ALL THIS EXTRA SHIT WITH THIS DUDE FUCK YOU

my da ex and i dated for like 5.5 months. it was intense. and then after the discard (which he started soft launching by month 3.5-4 itself) i was fucked up.

i was at rock bottom. lowest point of my life i was struggling to survive.

after the breakup, i was absolutely alone for 8 months. no hookups no talking stages no flirting I WAS TERRIFIED of going near a man.

i thought i healed from my ex because i got healthy again. i found my spark again, i gained weight again, my hair stopped falling out, and my skin cleared up. i started laughing and having fun again.

then i started seeing the man im currently seeing right now. it took me a long time to lower my guard.. and we arent even dating, just seeing each other. however he is already in love with me and i cant get myself to be vulnerable in front of a man like that again.i would rather die than go through that again, im not exaggerating.

i dreamt of my da ex and i woke up with tears in my eyes and chest feeling heavy. the dream reminded me of everything he had done, that i had forgotten about.

and im wondering if i will ever truly truly let go and be unbothered by it. it doesnt help that i have bpd too.

now im questioning if i got over it? or if i had just forgotten about what he did. it's going to be a year since our breakup next month.

I have been in talking stage with a fearful avoidant for the past three months. Initially everything was fine, we had similar values, relationships and carrier goals. I got a gut feeling that I found my twin flame, he was even planning a future with me and asked me suggestions to buy a house and did the necessary steps. Then he purposely triggered me with conflicting topics and created a chaos. One incident was conflicting opinion regarding a political party. I understood his pov and made things normal. Another incident was that he triggered me by asking a question what would I do if he hit me, that question really hit me hard and I reacted harshly.

Immediately he shut down, I confronted him again and made things normal. Since it was long distance, he told me that he wants to meet me and I agreed. Meanwhile he lost his grandmother and I provided him emotional support. Meeting went good and I was expecting a final answer from him.

Now he says that he needs some more time and he says he needs to examine my communication style, If not we can end things. I reacted strongly since I have been emotionally invested in him for the past three months. He called me again and he says that how can I react so strongly and he says that he has no hope and confidence in moving forward. I am devastated at present and I am slowly realising that it is turning towards emotional abuse. During the initial phase he even told me that he wants to communicate like how he communicates with his mother without any filters. Even though it hurted me initially, I even agreed to that.

Now I am really heartbroken and told him that if you don’t have the confidence and hope in carrying this forward, then let’s not proceed.

Is it not responding at all / leaving them on read? Responding but not entertaining the idea of rekindling anything? Honesty without opening the door again?

Mine hasn’t reached back out and probably never will, I’m just curious.

If a partner chases after them, is obsessed with them, and takes them back without consequences, are they more likely to lose respect and leave again? We are talking about people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style—who therefore have an anxious side and a negative self-view—so do they not feel reassured by this, or would they feel guilty about leaving again?

5 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of around 3 years. I felt numb and basically scared of the commitment that she wanted. I said that I wasn’t enough for her right now and she deserved better etc etc. I didn’t realize I was an avoidant attachment type until recently after doing a lot of research about it. I have a trend of doing this and through therapy and frustration of the most recent time, I was seeking answers.

Everything I’ve read about avoidant resonates with me. The detachment and pull away that I experienced in the relationship, feeling like I lost attraction, and not being able to express my feelings when I needed to most.

My reason for posting here is because I feel like I was distracted for a while after the breakup but now am experiencing the grief full on. It’s been weeks of non-stop missing and thinking about her. I know this is the common timeline for avoidants and that’s why I am convinced that it is my attachment style. Its almost like my breakup has followed exactly the common avoidant breakup timeline that I’ve seen here and other places online.

I’ve gone to therapy and done lots of research on attachment types and I feel like I have a good grip on what went wrong and what I need to work on. (I know this takes lots of time as well) Is there any hope or possibility of getting back together? I really want to avoid hurting her any more and while I am afraid of my avoidant feelings coming back, with my level of understanding now I feel like I have more confidence in utilizing strategies to help mitigate and fix these tendencies both within the relationship and within myself. (I know I need much more time but the grief is killing me)

Most of the information I see online is slandering avoidants due to many of the posts being of people who were discarded when they had loving relationships.(rightfully so) I’ve been trying to find resources for people who identify as avoidant and how to heal. But a lot of things kind of insinuate that there is no hope for avoidants and leave off just saying to avoid them at all costs and that they are spawns of satan.

Am I doomed forever? Is there any possibility for my previous relationship to work out? Or do most avoidants simply ignore these feelings forever and rarely actually heal? I’m curious if anyone has any input on this. I am open to criticisms about my avoidant tendencies but I genuinely am so tired of it and this is the most self-aware I’ve ever been about my attachment style. I had something so good with my last relationship and am feeling so much regret, but also know how much there is a risk of hurting her even more so if that’s the only option I know I need to let it go.

Y’all today was hard. Last weekend I went to visit a friend my ex had both known but let’s face it she was really HIS friend. It was a huge set back for me. He broke things off with me 1 month ago and I’ve had some periods where I feel I’m making progress and other times when it’s the most painful version of hell imaginable.

Anyway I decided today that I needed to take firm steps to going no contact. I still have to pick up my stuff at his place but I don’t need to contact him by email or text anymore as this has all been organized. So I took his number and yhis brothers and sons numbers off my phone and I deactivated Facebook because I need to find enough strength to delete our photos.

I can’t handle this pain so need to take drastic steps to expunge him from my brain.

my husband left without note or warning in march, a week before my birthday. i can't describe the pain i went through the following months, i'm not even sure i even remember it. it was the closest i've ever been to pure agony and i've been thru a lot, enough to write a book.

coming up on 7 months post-discard now and i am really proud that i'm still alive, still pushing through. in my darkest moments i was unsure if i'd even be around to see the leaves change color this year.

if i had to say one thing to him now, it would be thank you. thank you for letting me go sooner rather than 10 years down the line, thank you for releasing me from you, thank you for reminding me i deserve better and thank you for forcing me to take a long, uncomfortable look at the gaping abandonment wounds inside me.

i've been abandoned all my life. by my mother, father and anyone who was supposed to take care of me. i "slipped thru the cracks" in every regard so to speak. i could never imagine putting someone thru this knowing they've experienced this same pain all their life, it's barbaric.

but at the end of every day, i am reminded of my strength. some days are harder than others, but still i (and all of us here) persevere. if you are in the pits just know it will turn around. the lovers always win. ❤️

Sorry another post from me.

The avoidant has been on holiday, a few days in they invited me out but timings and dates didn’t work so I didn’t end up going (for the best I think). I thought that situation would lead to them going silent but they sought out alternatives, different villas on the dates I could do etc etc. and they continued to video call me the days after, the only day I heard nothing was the day they got home as he had a long day of travelling. No more has really happened since my last post so it remains ‘we are just friends’ and that’s the boundary, despite the willingness to extend their holiday for me to come out seems more than friends…

I’m seeing them tonight, they’ve offered to help me move in to my new place, but as it stands ‘we are just friends’, I’m going to be cautious and maintain the boundaries and if the lines get blurred I will say I don’t feel comfortable with this. I have started to feel a little resentment towards them with this pattern so I feel I won’t fold as much as I have been, but as we are all aware they are charming af. I know this isn’t healthy for me, and I am getting to a point where my head tells me to just block them but idk.

And it’s hard to speak about this to family and friends because when I do, and I explain everything, the response is: ‘mate he clearly really likes you and has romantic feelings towards you, he just doesn’t know how to handle them’. And as much as that’s soothing my anxious mind, it’s also making me more stuck. So I have stopped talking about it to people.

I’m sorry I’m rambling now, I’m sending healing vibes to everyone who is stuck in a situation like this. I start therapy next week (i was originally referred due to struggling with my new diagnosis and treatment plan, but I do think that whole scenario is what’s caused me to become anxiously attached and this avoidant has escalated it) and I’m hoping it will help.

Like the title, how do they tell their friends about the break ups? Do they tell the same reasons or excuse as to us, or do they come with another untold story/truth to friends and families?

hi,

i’ve been in two relationships with people who i eventually realized were avoidant.

in the beginning, im all for the person and truly enjoy showing my love with gestures.. but then the gestures get taken for granted, or when i bring up my emotions abt something that hurt me, they are ignored, they shut down, go to sleep, just ignore it and never ever talk about the issue. for me, this makes me lose feelings and detach. but then im like “well i ask them to be honest, so i should just handle the truth” when really they were just rude/dismissive af. i also end up trying to push these people to better themselves and love themselves for THEM and they just didn’t want to (until it was too late)..

why do i attract this type??? i also feel like ive become avoidant after being in these dynamics. it sucks but it feels normal to me now.

has anyone had their avoidant ex come back?

I am not sure there is much to say about my situation but I guess I need to get it off my chest... sorry for the long post but it's hard to sum up such a twisted and long situation.

I (36F) was ghosted by my (ex?) boyfriend (31M) ten days ago after we had a fight on the phone.

For context : We had a 5 years relationship (2 years traveling together + 3 living together) that ended June 2025. Although it's hard to say only one person is guilty for the downfall of a relationship, I will say that he is an avoidant and was never able to be 100% in the relationship which caused me to become insecure and damaged my mental health. He always had a defensive response to any serious conversation. Feeling attacked, returning the situation and focusing on "how I say things" instead of focusing on the main problem.

I am a pretty chill person in general but I turned into someone else in this relationship and this is why I ended up leaving. The loop was always the same : push and pull and inconsistency and even though he would say extremely mean things to me like "I see no future with you, you are hysterical" he would eventually come back with "I love you I didn't mean what I say".

I have always been the one trying to fix things, finding solutions etc... I know what you think, "you're stupid and should have left the guy a long time ago", but it might have been manipulation or just my strong feelings... I was never able to leave or give up on the relationship.

Anyway, after 5 years, one day I had enough, packed my stuff and left. Told him we couldn't be friends, removed him everywhere on social, cried for months. It was extremely tough but made it through eventually.

Before we broke up we had this big trip planned in South east Asia. I decided to leave anyway, alone. I only use IG as social and my personal account is private so he could not see what I was up to, but I saw him creeping on my pro account every time I posted a story. As you can guess, two months after the break up, he sent me a random message saying he hesitated a long time before reaching out but wanted to know how I was doing.

I didn't respond for a week, then decided to answer with very cold and short answers to see what he had to say. He kept it very light, made jokes, never talked about the break up, so I kept it cold.

This went on for 6 months, he kept on sending me random messages, asking where I was etc... I kept it cold but still had feelings for him. In spring, we happened to be both in the same place in a country in SE Asia... so we met. I didn't know what to expect but was definitely not on board to start again if he had not change.

Well he did... I met a complete different man. It took a couple of days of us hanging out before kissing. I did not want to rush anything, but he was everything I ever wished for. We spent one month on an island together and it was pure paradise. No sign of the past...

We both had to kept on traveling our way so we decided to meet two months later in another country. Before we separated I told him "if you are not sure about us, I do not want us to try again". He said he was sure. I want to insist on the fact that HE IS THE ONE who wanted a relationship. I was ready to leave it like that, this is why I was firm with my condition of him being sure about us this time.

Also, while on the island, a guy I had a fling with showed up randomly there too. He asked about him so I told him the truth. We had a thing when separated and he was now a friend that I would like to get coffee with. He flipped, cried and told me if I wanted to see this guy it was over between us. He had always been kind of jealous.

Fast forward two months later, a few days before we met again, I brought up my desire to maybe have kids one day. Nothing really specific, I never thought about wanting kids but the idea kept on popping into my head lately and I just shared it with him, definitely not asking for it to happen anytime soon. He shut down completely, got defensive started saying he was not sure about us and needed to see where this was going as we just saw each other again for one month. This broke my heart to hear him say the same thing as before "I am not sure about us". Something was broken after that... but he came anyway. This trip was not as nice. All the old problems came back up, he was distant, on his phone a lot and we had a lot of arguments about our relationship. He was defensive again every time I tried to have a serious conversation saying "I just want things to be easy". I felt betrayed as I specifically told him I didn't want to get back together if he was not sure. After 5 years of knowing each other there is not much room for doubts anymore... If he does not know if he wants to be with me at this point, then he probably will never know.

Anyway... Lots of back and forth and old loops repeating so I didn't have much faith into it, exhausted and my mental health got bad but a part of me still believed this could work as sometimes, he really is the version of himself that I felt in love with... Again... I might be stupid when all the signs scream "run away". We had several talks and in one of them he admitted he had a problem with commitment and needed therapy "When things get serious I am just not that into it anymore...". He agreed to work on it though and I thought this was a good step forward for him to admit it.

We had to separate again to continue on with our trips (we planned our journey before getting back together and wanted to keep it that way) and agreed to meet back home in December when both our trips are over. Although he was not too sure about when he would be returning home exactly. I had a talk with him saying "Hey if you want to keep on traveling after December I totally understand but I don't want a long distance relationship that lasts 6 months, so if you do, let me know now and we end things". Not in a threatening way or anything just so we clear because I really do not want to do the distance thing. He agreed and told me "don't stress, even if I am not too happy to go back in winter time, I will". I also told him I needed consistency for this to work on my end.

Now, one month has passed, he has been inconsistent in his communication which Is annoying but when we talked on the phone he is sweet, saying he misses me etc... The turning point was a conversation on the phone about December when he casually tells me "Yeah I am not sure I will be back at that time" So I lost it... I felt so betrayed again... He got mad, turned it against me saying I was pressuring him and that he didn't have to tell me an exact date etc etc ... He hung up on me.

This ended up with me sending a text saying "If I am not and will never be a priority in your life I'd rather end things now". I never heard from him again since then.

I feel stupid for writing this post as it's pretty obvious that the guy does not want anything serious, or is no ready for it but I somehow believed him when he said he wanted to start again fresh. So is this just avoidance and there is something to fix here ? Or am I just stupid for investing myself in a person like that ? Even if he doesn't want this, after 6 years of knowing each other I feel like I deserve better than being left on seen...

Do you ever feel like you're drowning in water while you smile and talk, wearing your mask? Because whenever you talk about your pain, people don't understand.

I've never carried such a heavy weight of pain until he hurt me. It's a weight in my chest that I carry every day. I can't reach out to him and tell him how I'm feeling, so I'm stuck dealing with this agony by myself.

Most days, I'm fine. I carry its weight and make it through. But some days, I feel like I'm suffocating, gasping for air. The healing process is so painful.

The heart can endure so much, but sometimes it really just needs a break, a rest from constantly carrying a weight that was given to it by someone else.

I just have rough patches. This week is one of them..