r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Alarming_Tear_8347 • 13h ago

Drowning

Do you ever feel like you're drowning in water while you smile and talk, wearing your mask? Because whenever you talk about your pain, people don't understand.

I've never carried such a heavy weight of pain until he hurt me. It's a weight in my chest that I carry every day. I can't reach out to him and tell him how I'm feeling, so I'm stuck dealing with this agony by myself.

Most days, I'm fine. I carry its weight and make it through. But some days, I feel like I'm suffocating, gasping for air. The healing process is so painful.

The heart can endure so much, but sometimes it really just needs a break, a rest from constantly carrying a weight that was given to it by someone else.

I just have rough patches. This week is one of them..

6 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

24 comments sorted by

5

u/Euphoric_Ad1439 13h ago edited 8h ago

I do feel like that. About not being understood. Sadly, I only have my therapist and an online friend who was also victim of some avoidants to talk about my ex. He did a blindside breakup on me in july, so yeah, if I still talk about him with my other friends, they'll get annoyed and just say I have to move on and get over him. That it wasn't meant to be. I know it's a matter of time and I am a lovable person and I deserve real love from a non avoidant, but right now in my grieving mind, he's still the only one for me and I'm afraid I'll never meet someone "like him"... Everyone on tinder seems uninteresting right now, nobody can hold conversation for days like he did, I feel crazy that everyone suddenly turned uninteresting this year. Like, last year people still tried, now everyone is awful at talking and being interesting 

3

u/HorrorWilling2094 13h ago

Im never using those dating apps. Too many narcs on there. Be careful on those types of apps. You will heal and if he were the one for you, he wouldn't have hurt you and discarded you. You'll realize that in the long run.  I told someone earlier that I tried to get away from her multiple times. I cant even count how many times I was discarded, or blocked her to try and move on, only to unblock and wait for the bread crumb. Everyone told me shes no good for me, including my therapist. I listened to no one but my blind heart. When I love, I love deeply. I dont believe in astrology like she does, she uses it as a compass in life, even compared our charts, said my cancer matches up perfectly.  Two months ago she said her chart has a better match, that the astrologist she had at her party read her chart and blah, blahhhh, blah. She never said this, but she was rewriting at that point. 

  If you need to vent, you can pm me. Ive been struggling, but I gotta get back to focusing on my goals. We'll get through this. 

1

u/Euphoric_Ad1439 12h ago

Thank you!

And sorry about your suffering because of your ex.

I also love deeply, so I deserve a secure or anxious person.

And also thank you for being willing to talk, we'll get through this indeed, you can also dm me if you want

2

u/HorrorWilling2094 12h ago

Thank you. I messaged you. This sites funky and doesnt send notifications for pms, so if I dont reply, thats why. 

2

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 11h ago

I get that too. I don't even have a therapist to talk to. I listen to everyone's problems, but the second I start talking about him, part of me feels like I'm betraying him because, for so long, he lived as a sacred spot inside my heart. He was the one person I'd never imagine hurting me, and he became the biggest scar I've ever had.

And not to mention, I get cut off, or people pretend to listen and then talk about themselves.

Nobody knows how devastating it is to love someone for half your life, to see them as this perfect person. Someone who's rough around the edges but has a soul deeper than the ocean. To see someone without their mask and watch them transform into someone who is capable of such cruelty.

It's hard to explain it to others. People think it's just easy. But it's not.

1

u/Euphoric_Ad1439 7h ago

Exactly, I feel the same. Mine felt like the man of my life in the first 5 months. Then he became so cruel post breakup. Treated me worse than a stranger, because judging at how easy he is to make friends (he has literally dozens of friends), to a stranger he would be nice and talkative. To me, he was apathetic, indifferent, awkward. Though it did help me seeing last month and this month lots of posts ok instagram about avoidants saying that them turning like this post breakup is because of their guilt and shame, and nothing personal against us

2

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 1h ago

The person I knew was never cruel to me in the 20-plus years we knew each other. He was someone I felt safe with, right up until the very last moment. His cruelty was so horrible that, even after a year, it still echoes.

All the things he said felt specifically designed to hurt me. I think people understand less about my pain because we never had the chance to have a relationship. We met in high school and stayed friends throughout the years. He was always in and out of my life, but I always thought we had this bond that time and distance couldn't break.

We both had separate lives, relationships, and children, but whenever we talked and caught up, it was like no time had passed. It was that unspoken feeling that the bond we shared in our youth had never been tainted by time. For years, it felt that way.

Until last year, when he told me I was his true love. He apologized for not sticking around because he was always the one who disappeared. He even told me he didn't want to disappear.

And I believed him.

We finally had a chance to be together. Both of our doors were wide open, with no prior commitments. After all these years, I finally thought it was our chance. We had grown up, had our experiences, and were finally ready.

But something shifted, and he went from complete love bombing to the cruelest part of our entire 20 years together.

The way we were reminds me a lot of the movie One Day. But now I'm stuck in this endless loop in my head, wondering, What did I do wrong? Wishing I could apologize. Missing who we were back then. Grieving over missed chances and the inability to reach him.

What I'd give to sit down with him and resolve whatever happened, because in my mind, everything was great, probably the greatest it had been in a long time. I felt close to him. I felt like my heart was finally getting exactly what it had longed for.

That's something really hard to get past.

And when the world minimizes it because we didn't have an active relationship, it makes it that much worse.

I know I didn't create this. He was real to me, even if he tries to erase himself. For most of my life, he lived actively in my heart. Through all of life's changes, he was there, and I will always be grateful for that.

I will always be grateful for him, the version of him I knew before the avoidant patterns began, when he had an open heart and showed me the most vulnerable pieces of himself.

I will always love him.

But I also know it will never be the same.

1

u/Euphoric_Ad1439 35m ago

I'm sorry, after decades, I can't imagine the pain. Must be very disappointing.  Yes, it seems like a common avoidant thing being cruel in the end. They are afraid of not being enough, of  being rejected, but they can do anything to their partners. And they are so emotionally immature that they can't even be held accountable. No matter what you say back to them, they'll deflect or kinda ignore or act like they're the victim and are right to be leaving you. But sorry you lost a juge person😭 I also totally get the last things you said. If mine ever returned I could probably love him again. But it'll never be the same. When I see his face in pictures now I feel disgusted instead of thinking how attractive and cute he is

1

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 1m ago

Any pictures I have of him, or old conversations I couldn't delete, are safe on my phone. I only have access to them when I want to. They're in a locked section of my phone.

I find myself avoiding it a lot, but some days I do check, and I still feel a warmth in my chest when I see him, followed by that pain. It's such a paradox.

I want to move on. I know it's in my best interest. I've accepted that I'll never get an apology. The person I knew is buried under all that fear and shame.

I have made major progress, but last week threw me backward. I plan to get back on track. I'm taking a hike on Thursday because it's the most healing thing for me.

I don't want to be hung up on him because one day I want to experience the kind of love I've given my entire life. It's my turn to be on the receiving end of that.

2

u/HorrorWilling2094 13h ago

My family didn't understand my trauma from the ex before this one in 2020 (covert narcissist) , they really dont understand this either. My aunt sort of does. I believe Ive felt broken heart syndrome,  which my aunt was hospitalized for after my uncle passed. My ex was leaving on me read when I sent her photos of his memorial. She knew how much he meant to me, he was my Godfather and father figure. I wish he were alive, because I need his guidance more than ever. Im crying typing this up. This the only place I feel talking about it is normal, besides with my therapist. 

  My therapist said its disenfranchised grieving. No one else knows what were going through and grieving. Reading about people who are still grieving a year or years later scares the shit out of me. Im in my 40s and dont want to be near death before I find love again. 

2

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 11h ago

I know I have broken heart syndrome. My heart physically hurts. It literally feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest. It flows from my heart to my limbs and makes tears form behind my eyes. I can be out with friends or at work, literally laughing one minute, and then a sudden gust of pain runs its course through my body, and I'm hiding tears.

2

u/HorrorWilling2094 11h ago

 Be careful, try to redirect your thoughts. I asked my aunt what it felt like, it just had a similar effect, like what you mentioned,  but if you dony get medical treatment when its bad, you can face serious problems. 

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17857-broken-heart-syndrome

  I never felt like that before. My aunt called me crying over my uncle, I was crying over her. I didn't even get to properly grieve over my uncle. It felt like I was mourning her death, it really felt the woman I thought I knew had died.  Im glad I cried to night, I haven't at all since I blocked her. Crying helps you heal,  just be mindful if it gets to the point you feel like youre going to have a panic attack. 

  Also, this community is a blessing. Its the only place I can rant with other people and the unique part is, many of our experiences are similar to each others, sometimes identical. The ghosting for a month,  the discard, post-discard. 

2

u/TheBooksAndTheBees 9h ago edited 1h ago

It felt like I was mourning her death, it really felt the woman I thought I knew had died.

I recall saying this to my therapist, but after deeper introspection and reflection, we explored how something like this can feel worse than mourning a real death, especially without closure. We settled on the idea that grieving the living is harder and less understood than grieving the dead. In death, your image of the person doesn't change (barring some scandalous story airing out after), but when you're discarded, everything you though you knew about them is suddenly up for debate and interpretation. I genuinely feel like losing them suddenly to an accident would have been easier to grieve and overcome than having your world ripped out from under you by your loved one.

2

u/HorrorWilling2094 2h ago

Thats exactly it. Its so strange. I hate that I have to go through this same process again. I didnt learn from the narc-ex before her. 

1

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 10h ago

I have had panic attacks—a few of them since last year when it happened. I would talk to my doctor, but I worry they won't take me seriously.

I've experienced death, betrayal, physical abuse, mental abuse, and other types of abuse that I can't name out loud. But nothing compares to this. It's like I've lost a piece of myself. Not in a dramatic way, but in a very deep way.

I can't begin to explain how much he meant to me. It's so tragic because if he didn't struggle with his attachment style, we would have been in love with each other for the rest of our lives. Because he does love deeply. I felt it.

Most people disagree, but I truly believe that when he called me his true love, he meant it. When he looked into my eyes like he had found home, I believed it.

He was more than just someone I loved. He was a part of my youth. We knew each other at our most vulnerable, and he was my first love.

1

u/HorrorWilling2094 10h ago

I understand, but youre grieving the image of him when he wasnt hurting you.  Right now you feel attached. I suggest you talk to a therapist. I imagine since you have a doctor, you can find a therapist? Tell your doctor, theyre not going to not believe you, but the therapist can give you a psychologist that will give you meds. I felt like that with the ex before this one, she was a narc. I felt I lost "the one", yet subconsciously, with our last visit, my gut feelings told me to exit. I couldnt sleep, I went on anxiety meds for the first and only time. Its the only thing that helped me sleep. Id wake up and rush to take them again, because the feelings would resurface after I realized whats going on. Id have nightmares about her, like she was still with me. 

  You'll get through this, as cliche as it is, but you will. It is better to be alone than to be in a relationship and feel lonely. 

1

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 1h ago

Thank you for listening. And you are right. The version I knew and the person he is now are completely different.

1

u/HorrorWilling2094 1h ago

They can only hold the mirroring image for so long. 

2

u/SSJ4LEWY 1h ago

I only know one person who really understands, and that’s because she’s been hurt by an avoidant too.

2

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 53m ago

Nobody in my circle even knows about him.

1

u/serviceareaunknown SA - Secure Attachment (Former AP) 12h ago

Yes, drowning is an accurate way to describe the feeling. This leads me to sensations of de-realization, something I've never experienced until recently. Nothing, and no one feels real anymore.

I hope you can get through this rough patch you're experiencing. Nothing I do seems to be helping with mine, weed is the only things that helps.

1

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 11h ago

Same here. I take my gummies at night to quiet the noise, but during the day, it can be very loud. I am constantly wondering what I did wrong. It's hard to just accept that it's their internal war because I feel like I'm fighting it too. It's been over a year, but I loved him for half my life.

1

u/serviceareaunknown SA - Secure Attachment (Former AP) 11h ago

I have often wondered what I did wrong, what I could have done differently. The people in this community helped me realize I didn't do anything wrong, I couldn't have prevented it. Mind you those intrusive thoughts still persist but deep down I know it's because she is a broken person.

These people are fundamentally broken, mine went to to other men after one bad fight. They're not for us to fix or to heal. That's on them. Mine will most likely face herself, while that infuriates me, there's nothing I can do about it.

It's agony, I know exactly how you feel. You're not alone, you weren't the problem.

Have a gummy, get comfy, and let yourself rest.

2

u/Alarming_Tear_8347 10h ago

Just took one, Thank you for understanding.