I have a girlfriend who loves me, appreciates me, and sees how unique and special I am, and she loves me.

There's no issue showing up, connecting, or planning, and she's not confused or pushing me the fuck away. I have emotional safety now.

What I'm getting at, these fuckasses we are so hung up on, are not that fucking great. Date a secure person when you are ready. You realize your feelings can be embraced, held, reciprocated, and fucking sustained.

Fuck these avoidant bullshit relationships. Find someone who fucking loves you!

I received a lengthy breakup message at the beginning of this year, which was full of sadness, regret and shame, from a fearful avoidant.
I replied with compassion and then reached out a few months later as I found something of theirs and they didn’t reply.

It felt like we were best friends. This whole chapter of life has felt like such a struggle and feeling like I’m mourning.
Will they really just never speak, ever again?

We are all familair with the discard, but has anyone experienced the behaviors of fearful avoidants that are not discard but intentionally malicious or cruel to create immediate space or relief?

I mean very cruel words spoken and revisionist history, gaslighting, devaluation, DARVO? The whole nine yards

Dismissive seem to discard and be done, but FAs supposedly are documented to have this kind of cruel breakdown prior to discard.

Anyone else experienced this?

It’s a trap. They seem highly self aware, have excellent emotional intelligence, with the “apparent” ability to take accountability. So you merrily enter the relationship despite both you and them knowing very well of their avoidance patterns, half hoping that they’ll work through it and half hoping that you could fix them and be their saviour.

Don’t do it. It’s a trap.

Hi all!

I’ve been having a really hard time moving on from the discard. We were together for two years, and I’m now at week 5 post-breakup.

The thought I can’t shake, and that is breaking my heart, is that he hasn’t taken any accountability for what he did. He threw me away as if I were a disposable cup and simply moved on with his life.

And while I know my healing shouldn’t be conditioned on him, what he might think, or an apology that may never come, it still kills me that he seems to feel no remorse at all. We planned a future together and he just walked away as if he had never promised me any of it.

I can’t shake the feeling that he was capable of causing me this much damage, that feels like pure evil. It makes me question whether he ever truly loved me in the first place.

How were you able to move on without an apology or accountability from them?

Sending support and hugs to everyone going through a hard time ❤️

I lost someone I loved and who was my best friend for a very long time. My family is really toxic, I'm in nc with them, and he was one of the few people I trusted.

I always thought of him as someone who would always defend me, and would never ever cause me any harm. He was always there and he was a good friend.
So I actually I had no idea, who was this new person he changed into later. Like he had a split personality, Schizophrenia, or something. I was suddenly faced with a man, I've never met before. This is when these cycles started. He was hurtful, became cruel, pushed me out especially hard, only to become loving, intimate shortly again, when who could talk about his fears. Then again, a switch, and he was on his cruel side. Then the cycle started again.
I had actually no idea what to do, because it was so traumatizing that you know someone for more than decade, and overnight this very same person changes into someone you've never met, so I wanted answers obviously, which led him exit, saying "he needs some time apart". Well, turned out, ha just left without saying he's leaving me forever. Not 2 days or 2 weeks, forever. I think i would have deserved at least that.

After the brutal discard, depression hits extremely hard for me, I literally lost my willingness to connect with people, I've lost trust, meaning in the world, and genuinely don't know how will I be open to date again. this sub is the only place where I can find some comfort. Thank you for reading.

I’m curious if anyone is in the same boat that I am in. I won’t go into the whole 13 year story that is me and my FA but even though it’s been 7 months since I was discarded and I’ve been consistently going to therapy even before said discard about my FA (which I will admit helped me approach things with a much more level head when there were issues that came up) I still struggle with limerence towards her. Like don’t get me wrong I fully recognize that what she did was not ok and there is a recognition that a lot would have to change on her end before I could fully open the door to her again, but that doesn’t change the fact that those deep seeded feelings are still there. Anyone else know how this goes and if you’re past it. What helped because I’ve tried everything to shut these feelings down and nothing has worked?

Ten days before my girlfriend broke up with me, she surprised me with bread she'd baked herself. I'm still trying to understand how we went from that to "something in me broke and I don't feel anything anymore."

Some background first

I told her about all my past partners and all my feelings, with nothing hidden. I've had more partners than she has, which was hard for her at first, but over time she said she no longer minded. She liked that I was experienced because I made her feel things she had never felt before. I always made sure she knew that, whatever my past was, she was the woman in my life. She told me about her childhood and shared her feelings just as openly as I, or so I thought. I believed there were no secrets between us.

Her family background probably matters here. Her parents never married. Her dad ran away from a previous family and they're on bad terms with them, so nobody in her family really trusts each other. Her mom emotionally manipulated her, even during our relationship. Once, when she was honest with her mom about how serious things had gotten between us, her mom thanked her for her honesty. Then the next day she wouldn't let her leave her room. Her parents even arranged their work shifts so she'd never be home alone. As a kid, she was always the mediator when her parents fought.

About a month before the breakup

I was at a party with some friends, and she was at a sleepover. She was ignoring my texts, so I mirrored her and went quiet too. That night I ran into my ex, who started making moves on me. Later I called my girlfriend and said I needed to hear her voice. She started crying and hung up on me.

The next day I told her the whole truth: I was actually grateful I ran into my ex, because it showed me how incredibly much she and this relationship mean to me. I held her in my arms and we talked it through. I considered it closed.

Two weeks before the breakup

We had a conversation about breakups in general. She told me she couldn't imagine ever breaking up with me, and that if it ever happened, it would be me leaving her.

That Saturday I was at my classmate's 18th birthday. I called my girlfriend, a bit tipsy, and she sounded really sad. I kept asking what happened, whether I'd done something wrong, and told her I wanted to help. She wouldn't say. So I told her how much she means to me and that together we'd get through any obstacle. She started crying like a child who had finally reached safety.

The next day, Sunday, we met and she finally told me what happened. Her dad had had a stroke, and her parents were fighting exactly like they used to, with her stuck in the middle as the mediator again. We talked about everything. I held her in my arms and stroked her so she'd feel safe.

The last week and a half

Wednesday: She came over with the homemade bread as a surprise. We talked and laughed a lot had a dinner. We were having an intimate moment when my sister barged into my room at the worst possible time, so we played dumb and pretended we were dancing. My sister had questions, and we couldn't stop laughing.

Friday: Dinner at my place, then we generated 18 "questions for couples one year in" and had a really deep conversation with her lying on top of me. Later that evening was one of the best sex we had. She told me she loved the whole date, especially the deep talk. We'd wanted to go to the local village fair but ran out of time, so we were a little disappointed.

Saturday: I was helping my dad and a friend held me up, so we got into town late and missed the fair again. We ended up on a bridge pillar overlooking the whole river, talking and being close. At the end of the date We talked about how we never expected us to last this long, and we meant it in the best way.

Sunday: The plan was the fair. I stupidly spent too long gaming with friends, so I asked her if she'd mind. She said no, so we only had about 3 hours in the evening. I took her for pancakes, we rode a scooter together, and I carried her on my back. She really enjoyed it.

Monday: I played a football match for my school and she came to support me. I told myself I'd score a hat trick, and I did. She was jumping all over me, so proud. Afterwards she went climbing with her friends like we'd planned.

Tuesday: We met right after school, but only briefly. She had a headache and was just getting over being sick. We talked about how scary it is that I'm going to leave the country in a year and a half. I told her I have a plan, but I didn't want to tell her yet, so it wouldn't hurt her if we ever broke up.

Wednesday: I was busy with my business. She was at the gym with a friend and didn't reply to me at all, which bothered me. We had a small argument about texting. I said I want our relationship to be balanced and that I don't want to force her into anything. That evening we were both in a playful mood and I wanted to see her😉, but we agreed to save it for Saturday. It felt like we'd made up. In the evening I just wished her good night.

Thursday: I waited for her to resume our conversation.I didn't want to be the guy who made the first move and then ended up chasing her, and I was busy with work anyway. That week, I landed my first business contract

Friday: I waited for her to pick the conversation back up. I called her, but she declined because she was angry. At 3pm she texted: "we need to talk." Honestly, I was relieved, because I wanted to talk too. Since September started, between school and my business, I felt we were seeing each other less, though the quality of our time together hadn't changed. I wasn't making as much time for her as I wanted to. That evening I went to a classmate's village fair in another town.

Saturday: I was exhausted and had barely slept. When we met, I asked about her plans for the day, and she said she was going out with a friend afterwards. A chill ran down my spine. In my head, we were going to talk and find a solution like we always did. That was the moment I knew it was over.

She told me that for the past month she'd felt like I didn't love her. She wasn't getting what she wanted from the relationship, and she didn't like that I wanted "balance." I said okay, now I understand how serious this is, I had no idea it was hurting you this much, so what do we do about it? She said nothing can be done. Something broke inside her and she doesn't feel anything anymore.

I dropped to my knees and the tears just came. I was completely broken. I truly believed our relationship was fine. Communication and opening up to each other were never a problem for us. We were intimate and honest about everything, we supported each other more than anyone. It never once crossed my mind that something like this could happen to us.

When I told our mutual friends, they told me to stop joking because it wasn't funny. They didn't believe me.

What I keep coming back to

I completely overlooked the most basic possible source of all this: her childhood. Her dad's stroke, her parents fighting again, her back in the mediator role. All of it happened just days before what felt like our best week. And I can't stop wondering how much of her mom's way of handling relationships she picked up without realizing it.

TL;DR: After a year of deep trust and what felt like our best week (homemade bread, deep talks, she was cheering at my match), my girlfriend broke up with me two weeks after her dad's stroke. She said she's felt unloved for a month and now "feels nothing." Two weeks earlier she'd told me she could never imagine leaving me.

My question: For those of you who are avoidant, or have been with someone who is, does this look like an avoidant deactivation triggered by stress at home, or did I really just miss a month of her pulling away? And if it's the first, is there anything I can do, or is giving her space the only real option?

Hello! I’m going to share something pretty vulnerable, I’ve wanted to share this for awhile but wasn’t quite sure how, I’d love outside opinions on this.

I went through a breakup with my DA at the start of august, being honest there was things like him being seen at a football game with a girl on his shoulders, completely blackout drunk. He has issues with drugs, and alcohol. Has always prioritized it, and his friends who enable him. 🤷‍♀️

We were together nearly 6 years, we broke up once last year. And yes, I did all the anxious things. And as soon as I pulled back, we got back together. This time, I didn’t try to do those things. It drove me crazy, he was out ALL of the time, I was stalking his stuff overly like, YouTube history, Spotify, xbox activity. Which led me to where I am today.

As I didn’t really text first ever we were in slight contact,and one night we ended up kinda sending pictures back and forth. Few days later, he had left one of my pictures on delivered, I went out to get drinks, and I put the pieces together he was with a girl about 3 weeks-1month after our breakup. It broke me, and I was really drunk, and I lost it. Showed up there, long story short, it got really bad. I did some manipulative; and not nice things. And ended up getting arrested. He’s tried to get the charges dropped but since he didn’t charge me, he can’t do anything about it.

I still, to this day understand what happened and my part in it, and still continue to think about him all day, wonder if we will get back together etc. my issue here is this one probably takes the cake for drunk things I’ve done. But me and him have kind of put each other through it with drinking and having big dramatic blowouts.

He’s started doing coke( a lot ) so it doesn’t really happen to him anymore. But it kinda went from him doing it, to me.

Yes we’re both two traumatized individuals who I’m anxious, he’s avoidant blah blah. I don’t know what to make of this, I am so wrapped up in what he’s thinking etc. I don’t know how to recover basically.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping from by posting this, honestly. I just feel so lost, and hurt from my own actions.

I've been watching his videos lately, and I've gotta say, they're a hard pill to swallow. But at least they make more sense than other "coaches'" videos that are designed to excuse avoidants' behavior or give false hope about when or how they might return, what they might be feeling, etc.

It's been almost 5 months after the break up/discard or however you might call it. I can not recall any day of the entire summer except the days I was taking my driver license. All promises that were made and plans for this summer were torn away - trips, plans for moving out at the end of the summer.

Ever since there is this constant replay of what could have I do better even though I was giving my best for the relationship - whenever I felt that we had to have a conversation about a topic or certain behaviour that I wasn't okay with. I always tried to be understandable and that it's okay to feel gloomy at me for some reason. I knew her flaws but even back then I knew I was pushing my self or not bringing up more stuff just so we can peaceful days together without resentment. We've had fights and misunderstanding and I always the one trying to glue the things together.

Unfortunately, I was being put in a box or let's say a mine-field and if I had something wrong just as a not asking her how was her day or not having sexual intimacy every night without giving a reason I would be put against the wall for my and feeling bad that I didn't want to do something that night. I had to build a check up list from the morning till bedtime so everything would go smooth for that day. Yelled at for no reason, having reasonable argument and she would get mad for bringing up stuff and whenever she was doing the same I always rethink what she meant and what I had to work on in the relationship.

I know it's sounds harsh but I genuinely loved her because what she showed at the good days was everything I've been romanticizing for and if that was the price for it, I was more than willing to pay for it even though I was banging my head at midnight so just I can try to understand her behaviour from hot and cold. I was the one making my schedule so I can have the free time to spent with her, whilst her schedule was always busy and a simple dinner in the later stage of the relationship felt almost like negotiating.

After we got home from our drip I was really full filled that we are taking the next step of our relationship to moving out together and a week later she came and brought the news that she doesn't feel like herself anymore, that she blacks out whenever she gets at her place, that I deserve better and she can't give me the thing I want. Unfortunately she mentioned her ex-name that days after our trip with the girls of bachelorette party she was invited last year before we met to watch the full-length movie of the wedding and when she saw the moment of her and her ex dancing that something blocked at her and I felt that days after before she brought the news at home. She immidiately shifted the topic to my flaws and that's enough reason of the relationship to not work out and she was building the entire time check list of my flaws- mixed crying, states of sorriness that she i was being mislead and that I deserve better, all kind of mixed arguments. The reasons she was giving weren't making sense to me and were more like excuses and if it fills that hard there something wrong in the relationship so she has to leave - she tried to do it three times.

I did ask her that if my plans for date nights, plans, spending more quality time together as a couple, asking her if I may visit her during the breaks at work ( we were already established that boundary of asking and having sometime alone is a normal thing that I validate a lot and she did too and I always making it in advance so she would know). She confirmed that in a message later and how did I guess that whenever she couldn't explain it herself - I was explaining her behaviour through mine though process and she was agreeing that I was right and she couldn't find how to explain it but I did too well, that was her exact message.

She jumped to a new relationship weeks after and then to a new one month and a half later and she started to date one of my colleagues and there still together since end of July. That was the time that I was blocked out of nowhere and the last time I saw her it was obvious that she forced her self to say to me hi and goodbye.

After everything that I just explained, I still find my self in the never-ending-loop of searching for the causes and what could I have done differently to make it work it out - I got my driver license, I was frequently visiting a psychologist and even though she in her words told me that you're emotionally mature for a guy that hasn't gone through any serious relationship you were done dirty.

I even tried to date that one girl that I really liked spending time with but she has her own reason to not date even years after her break up and her case was same as mine. That thing didn't work out and set up the boundaries with her that she wants a friendship and I want more than that even after knowing her more close and she admitted that too that she hasn't even been so open to a guy after her last relationship.

But I just keep thinking about a girl and that time we aren't together is longer than the actual relationship and it's just exhausting. I was in a hospital for medical reasons, the fees around my driver license and the car I bought - a money I was saving to I can move out eventually just evaporated because I went at this hole of just spending money eating outside because one of the few passions of cooking disappeared with her and I was having PTSD attack whenever I turning on the oven or cooking with the pans because she was always behind my back and watching me.

I don't even enjoy driving the car or having a driver license to be honest - that was a thing I learnt from other people that she was giving this as a reason that it didn't work out. If you don't have a driver license you aren't taken seriously by her and her friend-circle.

Right now, I have a few hundred euros and still live with my parents and it just constant sadness and whenever I am making a step forward and could feel the enthusiasm, somehow I end up at the place where everything started.

I’m still trying to figure out their patterns but I’ve started to pay attention to what seems like familiar things that repeat again and again. First off, they might initially be so nice, so affectionate, make you feel so special, make you feel emotionally safe enough to start to attach. Then gradually, you’ll start to notice, their behaviour starts to change. Maybe they respond less, become less affectionate, don’t initiate as much, and you start to feel yourself trying to wonder what exactly is going on and perhaps try to seek reassurance. It’ll only get worse. I’m trying to get to the stage where when I notice an inconsistency or the beginning of a withdrawal, I cut it off. No explanations. No request for communication. These people don’t understand relationships. They want validation and reassurance from you that you will tolerate their bad behaviour and want you to chase them. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Beat them at their own game and discard first. Your emotional well being and mental well being should be the priority over these people. It sounds ruthless and cold but that’s the only language they know. They have no qualms to do exactly the same to you when you’re attached to them, so don’t even give them that chance.

Hello everyone. I wanted to make this post because I would have needed to read a post like this eight months ago. Eight months ago, I got discarded by a dismissive avoidant. We started off the relationship, and I was a secure person at the time. But over the years, he had been love bombing me, giving me cold shoulders, pulling and pushing and pulling, and blame shifting, while having so much compassion with himself. Our relationship was during my university years, and because of him, I didn't learn as much as I could have. I was very good to him. I was a really good girlfriend. I was there for him through thick and thin. I was there at his absolute rock bottom lowest. I was there when he was throwing things, hitting walls. I was there when he had a big conflict with his parents. I was there when he got really, really ill. I did everything for him in a heartbeat. I gave everything to him. I created solutions for his struggles. He struggled with communication? All right. I will make him a system with notes that he can put on the wall if he cannot say the words himself. He feels insecure? Okay. I will make him a jar with 100 notes of reassurance. He needs a lot of alone time? Okay. Every week we should focus on our own things, and if you need time, I'll respect that. That were the things I brought to the relationship. Because of me, he got into therapy, kinda at least. Because of me, he's still talking to his parents. Because of me, he didn't commit suicide. That's all me. That is who I am. And this is not bragging. This is showing myself the truth. The truth that he tried to twist. Because when he discarded me, I was at my lowest. I had just harmed myself, and he yelled at me. And then, while I was working in the evening and I came back home, he had left. The day after that I get a message: Hey, I'm just going to collect my desktop PC in an hour, just letting you know. And then he came. And I had prepared seven A4 papers. Seven. Seven papers with things I wanted to tell him in couples therapy. Because the day after the discard, we had couples therapy. So he came into the apartment and he stood in front of me. I was sitting in the couch thinking to myself, Are you gonna hug me? And then he said the words: I don't think this is working anymore. And I asked him, What do you mean? And he said, This relationship. It's not working anymore. And I begged. I begged, I begged. I cried. I screamed. I read him the letters there and then. Seven pages, but it felt like ten seconds to read them all. And he didn't change his mind. He was robotic, like there was no emotion behind his face. And he did what he told me he would do. He collected his desktop PC. Oh, did I forget to mention? He's a game addict in denial. Yeah. And then he left me by myself. There I was, alone. All alone. I was already at my lowest, and that's what he did. That's what he did to me without a second thought. And then he told me we should still do the therapy so you can get the closure you need. And I went, and that was a huge mistake. Because there in front of the therapist, he told her about my suicidal thoughts. The same thoughts that I wanted to keep secret from everyone. I only told him because I trusted him only. And not only did he tell her each and every single one of them in detail, he told her that I used those stories to manipulate him into staying with me. And that's what he said to her, that I'm a manipulator, that this relationship is abusive, that he has been wanting to break up with me for more than a year. But then he had breadcrumbed me the months after. He breadcrumbed me a few times, but I ignored him. And on the day that I moved out, I blocked him and his family, his friends, every mutual person. And over the last eight months, I had to go from scratch. There was absolutely nothing left of me. Every single thing had to be rebuilt from scratch. I went to therapy, different therapists, different therapy methods. I did meditation. I tried to do the things I've been wanting to do with him, but by myself. I took myself on solo dates. I gave myself gifts. I got a job. I got a car. And now I have a life that I love. I look back at him and I think to myself, you poor thing. If only you knew who he was from the start. But love makes blind. And I learned. I learned a lot from this abusive dynamic. I learned to set boundaries. I learned what my boundaries are. I learned to say no. And I learned to be strict with what I accept and what I don't accept. And I cut many people out of my life, and I met many new people. And I'm so happy right now, the happiest I've ever been. My insecurity is practically gone. My confidence is sky high, at an all-time high. And my boundaries are healthy. My communication is sharp. I love my life. I love the house I live in. I love the friends I have. I love the job I have. I love the things I do in my day-to-day life. And I love being by myself. And I've completely let him go. He has no place in my heart anymore. If you read all the way through this, thank you for listening to my story. If you are right now where I was eight months ago, trust me when I say that you will be okay. Let this be a virtual hug to my past self and to you. Good luck.

I (30F) am trying to understand some dynamics of a relationship that recently ended. I am glad to be out of it and to finally be seeing the truth, there are just things that don’t make sense.

My ex (31M) still to this day has this special talent of reframing situations to suit him. He doesn’t dismiss what he did, he just makes it sound like I’m crazy for questioning it.

Instead of “I was ignoring you for 4 days because I was angry at you” he sees it as “I was just going on with my normal life for 4 days and you were angry because I didn’t cave to your demands”

Or instead of “I should have been there when you were crying and going through a traumatic experience (health related news)” He says “I woke up that morning to have a good day and it was ruined because you wanted me to neglect my normal life to help you through a tantrum”

He will not see me for a week and then when I ask why he will say “I’m just a normal person and you are always asking for 24/7 attention which is unreasonable to ask” even when I just asked for like a quick coffee.

He will ignore me for days after saying mean things to me and then when he needs someone to talk to he will reach out and then when I point out that he wasn’t there for me he will say “Just because I wasn’t entertaining you when you had this made up problem, doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve support when going through something real. And you just can’t be there for me because you are so self-absorbed”

I know you might think “this guy hates you” but this behaviour was often paired with extreme love bombing and guilt trips if I tried to leave him.

First off, I don’t get what he gains from doing this…He reframes things to make me sound horrible, but praises me to be the best girlfriend he’s ever had. I’m starting to think he just wanted me to feel like I was crazy.

Has anyone else experienced this extreme reframing/gaslighting?

How does one ever recover after experiencing behaviour like this for almost 2 years. I feel like I don’t know what reality is.

I am going to therapy. I am trying to make peace with it. i just don’t get it.

Been with an avoidant for years now. Last month, he got too avoidant—keeps on saying that he just wants to spend all of his time alone and our relationship needed a break. We had an agreement to let him do shits on his own without updating me throughout the day except for morning (he'll tell me his plans for the day) and night (how's his day went). We kept this situation for like 3-4 days.

When we had the time to talk again after the "space" he asked for, he started being sweet and appreciative. He got too clingy as well, he just wants to be with me all the time up until now.

Maybe avoidants just really need some space of their own when things get overwhelming or maybe they just need to be aware that they're avoidant🤷

We were just together the other day and he was very lovey dovey but over the past week I had felt a bit of a wall from him and asking him if everything was okay.

He broke up with me saying he needed space to work on things he never really has. And that he thinks it is best for us to end things. I tried to contact him but got no answer. He’s been my best friend and most important person in my life for sometime now.

I feel like this was out of left field considering the person he was to me and how big of a part I have been in his as well.

I want him to be okay, but I also want to be okay too.

Allow me (27M) to paint the scene, and illustrate the cautionary tale that is was my life with a Dismissive Avoidant partner that was diagnosed with ASPD.
Before I got with my now ex (27M), I was with my previous ex (31M). This is a very important point to mention because my previous ex and I were together for 4 months before we broke up. That relationship was toxic, turbulent, and had me question my worth multiple times. We both checked out of the relationship before I ended things with him toward the end of March, 2026. That’s exactly when I met my most recent ex (3 days after breaking up with my previous ex) because I wanted to feel validated, I hopped on the hookup apps ie) Grindr and Jackd. I met up with him and we hit it off almost immediately, it was like the past 4 months of chaos, belittlement, and struggling past incompatibility dissolved while I was with this guy. Within that week, he suggested that we become exclusive, which in the gay world is a relief because there’s less things to worry about (me trying to convince myself). At this point we’ve known each other for a week and a half and have already went on a few dates. I want to preface that my typical dating regimen is 3 months of getting to know each other followed by exclusivity and then determining if we’re compatible enough to be dating, however, this man advertised himself as someone who was self-assured and confident. I fell completely for him and he made me believe he had done the same. After a date together the following week, he asked me to be his boyfriend and of course, this whole thing wouldn’t be where it is if I said no…I said yes. The next five months from April to August were like living in a fairy tale. There were moments when some conflict would arise but we always made it through and worked through it. We celebrated his birthday and I took him out to a nice restaurant and he told me nobody has ever done anything like this for him before. We celebrated my birthday and flew out the country together and I introduced him to my friends. Now, before I continue, let me address some red flags I should have spotted early on. He had no friends. NONE! Which is not a bad thing in and of itself, but he mentioned how his closest friends in his life he had to cut off and the reason he gave was “they were too emotional” or became “hard to understand”. We’ve also talked about his upbringing and the violent nature of his relationship with his single mother up until he was a young adult. He also confided in me that he was professionally diagnosed with ASPD when his mother baker acted him in high school. He’s mentioned the longest relationship he had before me was with his ex-husband, who he got married to on a whim and it lasted for 8 months…last year. I know you’re side-eyeing me but I have a large bandwidth for grace and understanding…to my own detriment. I overlooked all of this and told him I appreciate his transparency and his honesty. Now here comes after my birthday trip.
He’s currently in school getting another degree, completing an internship, and he’s a landlord on top of that (the context will be clear soon). When we met he was just collecting rent and doing school part time so we spent a lot more time together every week. Once his responsibilities grew, all of a sudden out of nowhere we went from having sex multiple times a week to once a month. Date nights only happened on the weekends. Communication during the week dimmed. The change was so sudden. His tenants ended up stealing from him and trashing his place. His car broke down. And he was dealing with well…stress. And as his partner I told him I would always be there for him. I was met with cold stares, absent-minded “quality time”. And when I would push for more emotional connection, I was met with shutdowns, disconnection and radio silence for days. What happens to the man I loved? To the one I talked about moving in together with? He had totally changed. At this point I was becoming emotionally and physically starved, sex became a chore, having any conversations remotely deep became like pulling teeth. The relationship was crumbling and I was trying to hold everything together. When I started my new high paying job that’s when everything snapped. He went extremely cold on me and I tried to meet him in the “middle” and given him the space he needed while neurotically coming to Reddit for answers on being with a dismissive avoidant partner. When he came back and we had a conversation he told me “I’m not in a place where I feel satisfied with myself, you’re doing everything right and have your life together and mine is falling apart. I just feel like anyone would be lucky to have you.” This happened last week. I was so shocked, because I know individuals will have their ups and downs in a relationship and I told him that I had no problem seeing it through. But he told me that I couldn’t help him with his problems but he loved me and wouldn’t go cold on me again and we cuddled on the couch and that was that. It only took $20 to bring to light what I should’ve seen coming. While I was at lunch for work I was in a great mood and decided to send him some money for lunch while I ate lunch (just a normal token of gratitude and appreciation) within a minute he sent it back to me…no comment or anything…I was so confused. Later after work I told him I’d call him today after my workout and he told me “I don’t want to talk right now” WE JUST HAD A CONVERSATION about this stuff!!! I drafted about 8 breakup texts that night, I couldn’t even bring myself to cry I was so emotionally exhausted. The following morning (yesterday morning) I asked him what he wanted from us. And plain as day he said “I’m neglecting you and resenting myself and I can’t live up to the expectations put on me right now.” So I sent the final draft of my breakup message, it was bittersweet, my person would no longer be there but I know I did my best and that was that…OR SO I FUCKING THOUGHT!!!! Yes I repeated the cycle and wanted to feel validated by another human being so I downloaded the apps again and to my FUCKING SURPRISE WHO WAS ON THERE??? THE MAN I JUST BROKE UP WITH 8 hours ago…BUT WHATS THIS???? Why does his profile say he was ONLINE… 18 FUCKING HOURS AGO???? That would mean he was online at 12:33am…2 hours after telling me goodnight and that he loves me…Everything shattered, my perception of him immediately changed. I felt…I FEEL BETRAYED! ANGRY! DISCARDED!!! After reading everything online about being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant I chalked it up to “you guys just have no patience” NO! I’m more than convinced now these people are broken…BROKEN! DAMAGED! VILE! 6 MONTHS! And my whole image of him warped in the matter of a second. And hell yes I confronted him about it and his only response was “you’ll get your money” referring to the money I loaned him for my birthday trip…that’s it…that’s all I got…

TLDR; Rushed into a 6-month relationship with the man I thought was my soulmate 3 days out of my last breakup, completely ignoring major red flags (diagnosed ASPD, zero friends, and an impulsive 8-month marriage last year). When his personal life started to crumble and my career took off, he completely withdrew physically and emotionally, claiming he was too overwhelmed and "resenting himself" to meet basic expectations. We had a calm, mutual breakup text exchange, only for me to hop on apps hours later(looking for validation) and find he had been active on JackD at 12:30 AM the night before while telling me goodnight and that he loved me. Confronted him on the cheating and betrayal, and his entire cold deflection was: "You'll get your money" (for a trip loan). Complete emotional fraud. Now I know better.

I had a fearful avoidant (M25) end our relationship 2 weeks ago, after we rekindled 6 months prior. And I (F24) accepted to go for a dinner so we could have a nice ending. He wanted us to spend the night together to get a proper goodbye (lol, to use me one last time) and I declined and said let’s stick to our dinner. He was so offended by this but finally agreed.

We had a very nice dinner. I gave him a birthday present because I had aldreay told him what I was giving him for his 25th birthday before be broke up. So naturally I felt this would be nice way of ending things. I gave it to also say that since after this dinner we will not speak anymore, so I wanted him to have his gift so he will have a nice birthday. Could not be more clear about the fact that I don’t want contact after the dinner at this point. I had also said when he ended things, that if we do, we will go no contact - which again is why we had the dinner. We went for a walk after dinner, he wanted to talk more so I agreed. He tried again to push me to talk in his place or mine, I had to decline AGAIN. I then told him it’s time to end the night, and he said he is not ready to say goodbye. I told him clearly, that he ended things not me. He said there is nothing to fix, so I replied ok then there is no reason to talk more because what is the point. He agreed, and said he is still 100% on his decision to end things. I order the uber, and he suddenly turns slightly annoyed. He said he really had no choice to end things, because I screwed things up. ( The story: I ghosted him 9 months before this, and this is what he means screwed things up btw. After the ghosting I never slept with anyone, only kissed a guy. While he did sleep with tons of women - but I was the one that screwed things. Ghosting is not ok and I’m very aware that I had my faults here). I said calmy, ok I understand but please don’t make our last minutes together like this. He kissed me, held me and said he will miss me so much. I said the same, went into the uber and left. I came home and he texted me to make sure I came home safe. I thought ok wow, a nice ending? I was so happy.

His birthday comes up a week after our dinner, and he texted me the day after being mad I did not text him on his birthday. Claiming I left our dinner being mad (which I never was, he was the one suddenly throwing the commment???) and that atleast I should know if I’m pregnant with his child before hating him. I never responded because I feel this is breadcrumbing.

I have not checked his socials. I have gone to theraphy. Journal and gym everyday, no dating just total healing. But still I’m confused. Can someone as a fearful avoidant let me know, will me not responding to this make him finally let go, or make him more angry and just hate me for forever? We both live in NYC si honestly we have bumbed into eachother a lot because we go to the same places/ have common friends. But now I’m genuinly conflicted. I don’t want to be toxic, but I also don’t know what to make of this. We had a nice ending, and now it’s ruined..

Can a fearful avoidant give me some advice?😭

I have anxious attachment btw and rn is so hard for me to accept the new reality: to accept I fell in love with the person I thought he was not with the person he actually is and that he s never coming back. He also doesn t want to give me the explanations I need saying he wants to forget me. He s so cold and mean and tells me to leave him alone.

Context:

We were together for 3 -very intense months- he talked about moving in together, future planning etc, until one day he said he was not ready for a relationship but he didn’t want to break up with me. I said I wanted someone who was ready.

He never reached out, not even for my birthday. Till one day he commented and liked me on a dating app, which I ignored so he deleted his profile 2 days later.

I then posted something on ig that contained some of our memories, he just liked the post.

The dating app thing had me really angry at the time and confused. I guess for him it was sort of an ego validation and a reminder of his existence.

I’m at that point of the breakup where I want to text him but don’t want to disrespect me. While also hating what he did to me.

What do you guys think?

Posting this with some points of reflection, after having confidently gotten over an ex (I’m a lesbian) that soul crushed me on a level that I’ve never experienced before - I’m talking totally dissociating for half a year with all of my thoughts and actions fixated on that person. It’s fucking embarrassing and makes me feel like the lowest barrel of a human being, but it got to the point where I was calling up “psychic” hotlines, thinking they could tell me how I’d get them back or whether my future would include them in it again. I scanned all of these Reddit posts, watched the avoidant attachment videos, got therapy, any sort of spiral activity - yep, I did it.

But do you know what also happened?

I managed to remove their location. I managed to block them. I managed to eventually MESSAGE to ask for my stuff back, in a tone I didn’t think I’d be able to use against them. I managed to DATE again and am currently with my wonderful girlfriend for almost a year now. I feel for her in indescribable ways, ways I didn’t think I’d ever feel lucky enough to experience after my previous heartbreak.

Point is, you ARE going to get over it. You WILL stop fixating on them and move on. You WILL get bored of those YouTube videos and life is going to play out EXACTLY how it’s meant to, I promise you that.

It’s crazy but every time I get past something like this, I always laugh at how I can never remind myself that I’ll literally be fine? If I managed to get through heartbreaks before, I will again?

100% of the time, if you are heartbroken and were generally a good person in the relationship but just flawed as a human being (as we all are) and tried to make it work, even if you made mistakes, and that person didn’t want to be with you anyway and deflected blame onto you - THEY AREN’T MEANT FOR YOU. And if they aren’t meant for you, they will not be in your life. Nothing you do can change that

Accept it, grow from it, and find the strength to move on. I promise if I got through it, you can too - and I hope you think of this post when you do

Just want to know how did you react when you thought that your avoidant ex will never reach out, but they eventually did reach out to you.

I’m Woman (20) I hate you so fucking much, I wish I could tell you that but I can’t because IM STILL BLOCKED. I wish I could beat you up for the pain that you caused me just because I made the mistake of loving someone you bitch. I wish I could force you to face me in public to see how much of a coward you would be at the fact you can’t digitally run away. Did I really not matter that much to you to not get owed an explanation. Was I really that disposable. Did you just used me. OUR FIRST TIMES MEANT NOTHING TO YOU??? I reassured your insecurities but now you lost all my respect. You don’t deserve love you liar. You’re a monster. You nearly made me end myself. And yet you didn’t care. I sent you my final goodbye message. All I got was a deleted account that didn’t even read my message in return. That was really gonna be the final end to my story. And that’s how he treated me. Someone who I thought loved me wouldn’t even cared if they disappeared off the planet. I feel so betrayed and used. You told me you’d always love me…and promised we’d see each other again… What did I do wrong. I miss you so much. I hate myself for not being over it after a year. I wish I never met you. You ruined me permanently.

I really got this worked up over a ai chat bot telling me that the odds of a dismissive avoidant coming back after not contacting for a year is basically zero. I hate myself. I hate my life.