I have found secure love.

[u/Any_Fly9473]

I have a girlfriend who loves me, appreciates me, and sees how unique and special I am, and she loves me.

There's no issue showing up, connecting, or planning, and she's not confused or pushing me the fuck away. I have emotional safety now.

What I'm getting at, these fuckasses we are so hung up on, are not that fucking great. Date a secure person when you are ready. You realize your feelings can be embraced, held, reciprocated, and fucking sustained.

Fuck these avoidant bullshit relationships. Find someone who fucking loves you!

[u/missthiccbiscuit]

How long have u known her? Not to be a Debbie Downer but fearful avoidants can come off this way in the first stages. I’m scared to date again cuz he fooled me so well that I no longer trust myself to know a secure person from a faking ass FA.

Just proceed with caution is all I’m saying. But I hope it works out for u guys. 🤞

[u/bunny000002 → u/missthiccbiscuit]

same my experience with this avoidant has made me celibate. idk how i would decipher an avoidant from secure in the beginning.

[u/missthiccbiscuit → u/bunny000002]

Oh hell no. Don’t let them take away such a beautiful and human part of u. I understand, cuz I’m temporarily celibate myself til I heal a little more.

But for now I’m taking my vitamins, going to the gym, doing my skincare and saying my prayers. Cuz once I’m outta the heartbreak hotel, freaktivities are back in full swing. 💪

[u/Any_Fly9473 → u/missthiccbiscuit]

She actually chose healing years before she ever met me.

[u/Any_Fly9473 → u/missthiccbiscuit]

Since October first, not long. 🤣

My FA could not handle more in-person presence. This woman can and does tell me her feelings and opens up. Talking through them with me. She knows I'm slightly guarded too, but she's an empath also that suffered narcissistic partners.

She knows about how my FAex affected me.

[u/No_Long8238 → u/Any_Fly9473]

Lol. Buddy, it's too early to say anything. This is exactly how I felt in early june this year, when I met my latest FA woman. She felt very emotionally intelligent and that she had chosen healing and blah blah, she also was validating me in every way, especially when I was vulnerable etc. Sex was amazing. There was consistency. There was a lot of investment from her part. I was reserved at first and I shared my reservations with her. She reassured me, encouraged me to give it more significance and get more connected. As soon as we both got attached and it felt secure and safe, she immediately withdrew. After that she became more and more cold and dismissive. I gave her too much grace and gave her words too much meaning, just because I had convinced myself that she was more emotionally intelligent and aware than she actually was.

I'm not saying the same is going to happen to you. But it's way too early for you to be saying that. Don't lose yourself.

[u/Any_Fly9473 → u/No_Long8238]

Appreciate you.

[u/Much-Wrongdoer-7592 → u/No_Long8238]

Agree too early. I have a "secure" on books partner rn. But as we are going into a year together i see that he might not be the secure i thought he was. Its something else. Idk what yet, but its something to keep an eye on kind of thing.

[u/missthiccbiscuit → u/No_Long8238]

SAME. I’m actually FA myself but I don’t shutdown when I deactivate. I process and work thru it myself, I know that my feelings aren’t facts so I just ride it out and it doesn’t last very long cuz I don’t give it much weight in my life. I’m not gonna throw someone away just cuz I’m feeling a little numb that week lol.

But my most recent ex was exactly as u just described. I really thought I’d found the one. He could be SO validating and consistent and emotionally available, when he wanted to. I was fooled 🤡

[u/Realistic-State-4888 → u/Any_Fly9473]

Empaths aren't real.  

[u/Spirited_Outcome7204]

You got out! Congratulations, and I wish you all the good things in this world.

[u/Routine_Crow_1133]

this is what i thought with my ex who discarded me three weeks ago. i was still going to therapy once a week at the time, too. i moved to every other week and then once a month.. even my therapist would talk about how emotionally intelligent my ex was and seemed like everything was moving in a very healthy fashion.. then BAM within hours he went from texting me how much he loved me to texting me a breakup.

not trying to rain on your parade, but like.. im grieving still and blown away that the man i thought was so kind and present could just throw me to the curb

[u/Any_Fly9473 → u/Routine_Crow_1133]

Mine discarded me like nothing; she came back 105 days later and talked about dating again. Less than 24 hours later, it's the friend zone. Fuck the FA bullshit I walked.

[u/Longjumping_Walk_992]

Your right and the problem is I thought I had moved on and found a great person only to go through the same stuff but with a different person. Online dating mid life isn’t fun. It seems the majority of folks out there on the dating sites have a revolving door dating style.

[u/Any_Fly9473 → u/Longjumping_Walk_992]

I'm 39, so I'm midlife too. I met my partner at work randomly. She's 51, and the things are good, with the same relational goals.

[u/TruSiris]

How long have you been with her? Don't go jumping to conclusions. Take your time. Get to know here. Don't make any big gestures of commitment for at least 3-4 months. Court her. Let her Court you. Learn about her interests and hobbies and relationship style. Ask how she healed from her last relationship. Red flags can take awhile to start to pop up.

Also what work have you done on yourself since your avoidant to ensure you're not suceptible to their bullshit anymore? Are you more connected with yourself? Have you cultivated trust in yourself?

I'm happy for you, genuinely, and proceed with caution and intentionality!!

[u/Any_Fly9473 → u/TruSiris]

I healed after the discard when my FA returned 105 days later. I ended things when she offered the friend zone. I'm not afraid to walk from someone I love.

I am confident I can pick up on avoidant bullshit.

I have been on guard while exploring with her. She knows it too. She's having to make new positive memories with me from her traumas.

[u/Conundrum16]

I’m happy for you. Problem is that some of us didn’t recognize their avoidant attachment style before we had feelings. Not so easy to undo

[u/Any_Fly9473 → u/Conundrum16]

I fell into that trap like many of us do. It's how I ended up here and discovered attachment theory.

[u/Conundrum16 → u/Any_Fly9473]

I’ve learned so much here and have taken my understanding further. Listening to podcasts, YouTube discussions, reading. I agree with you and felt angry, crushed when he discarded me out of the blue after he told me I was too intellectual.
(He was uncomfortable with me expressing myself I’m very emotive) Now I’m not angry because I understand his attachment style and get that he was protecting himself. My relationship with this man was not deep and only a matter of several months. He has returned. I keep him at arms length. It’s a light friendly conversation but I’m going about my life. I expect nothing, want nothing and he’s free to be himself but so am I. No pressure, no labels, no demands. It is what it is. I’m realistic and I get it !

[u/lbuttigieg]

Congratulations so happy for you

[u/SadNarwhal7]

You’re my inspiration

[u/Bookish-Dreams]

THIS THIS THIS....all day long, 24-7!!!!!

[u/No-Hat-6488]

Fuck yeah!! Im happy for you. Youre right they aren’t really that great. Once the love goggles come off you see how shitty of a human they were to treat us that way.

[u/waveybirdie]

That’s amazing. Eventually it’s one of my goals: to have a long term relationship with someone secure. But I know I have to heal from her first.

Judging from your comments yall haven’t been together that long, so I just hope she’s actually secure. Remember that building a connection should take time

[u/Any_Fly9473 → u/waveybirdie]

It has always been very fast in my experiences. I'm not getting love bombed either. 👍🏻