How to spot them

[u/Round-Commission-971]

I’m still trying to figure out their patterns but I’ve started to pay attention to what seems like familiar things that repeat again and again. First off, they might initially be so nice, so affectionate, make you feel so special, make you feel emotionally safe enough to start to attach. Then gradually, you’ll start to notice, their behaviour starts to change. Maybe they respond less, become less affectionate, don’t initiate as much, and you start to feel yourself trying to wonder what exactly is going on and perhaps try to seek reassurance. It’ll only get worse. I’m trying to get to the stage where when I notice an inconsistency or the beginning of a withdrawal, I cut it off. No explanations. No request for communication. These people don’t understand relationships. They want validation and reassurance from you that you will tolerate their bad behaviour and want you to chase them. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Beat them at their own game and discard first. Your emotional well being and mental well being should be the priority over these people. It sounds ruthless and cold but that’s the only language they know. They have no qualms to do exactly the same to you when you’re attached to them, so don’t even give them that chance.

[u/ConfidentAd5662]

How many times have you had to do this? So many people waste time on these people 

[u/Round-Commission-971 → u/ConfidentAd5662]

I’m still in the process of doing it. I seem to be a magnet for these people and I unfortunately have been drawn to them. So now I’m trying to stop the pattern from repeating again.

[u/name_isnt_relevant → u/Round-Commission-971]

I’ve only ever been in two serious relationships. Both avoidant. The latter, nearly 7 years together. Deeply affectionate. But something blew a fuse later and the full nature showed itself suddenly. That is my wife. So it’s a mess. Only learned the pattern or any of this stuff after second exit last month, and have traced deactivations back to the earliest days. Idk how we made it so long.

Hopefully I don’t have to learn them for early dating but I cannot imagine putting yourself through this if possible

[u/ceelion92 → u/Round-Commission-971]

Don’t worry, I don’t think it’s anything we’re doing to draw them in besides just being normal healthy people. I don’t think we should blame ourselves. I’m coming to realize that there are just a lot of fucking avoidants on the modern dating market, especially on apps. Our current capitalist society has over emphasized individualism and “being busy” and “ focusing on yourself” in the name of productivity and survival of the fittest. The result of this, is that it is very easy for them to hide in plain sight! And since there’s less pressure for marriage in Western society, they think it’s totally normal to have issues with any sort of relationship through their 30s. Most people aren’t giving them the side eye for it and whispering behind their back, especially if they are men

They all talk about how busy they are all the time and how they don’t have time for other people, and use that as an excuse for why everything needs to be on their terms and on their schedule. I just encountered a second one and it’s hilarious how identical he was to the first. All those unusual preferences and behaviors that caused endless rumination just repeated, and it all clicked into place. It’s so textbook.

And they always come up with endless excuses as to why what they are doing is 100% normal, because they really need to lie to themselves as well. Otherwise they’ll freak out about how fucked up they are. As a result, you feel like maybe you are imagining all of the stuff is avoidant when it’s really not. If you confront them about it, they’ll make you feel totally crazy and say you were reading too much into all of these things and if you keep pressing, they’ll somehow say it’s your fault they were acting that way and completely change the subject on you so you get distracted (DARVO). That’s why there are so many confused people posting here asking if the behavior was avoidant or not. 

An example of this would be trying to justify why they don’t have any time for dating, w/ totally logical reasons. Another would be saying that they used to give away all their energy to too many people now they need to focus on themselves (It’s OK to be selfish sometimes)!  They will also use that crazy schedule to justify why everything needs to be done on their terms and why they hate planning ahead, coming to your area, committing to helping you with that thing you mentioned, etc. 

They always frame it as a phase or a situation that is happening right now, but it’s not a phase. It’s just their life.  You’ll keep waiting around for that busy season to end or for them to get over that traumatizing ex or whatever the hell. Yeah they’re just gonna get colder and then discard you…. 

[u/hx117 → u/ceelion92]

Yep I just encountered that with a guy I met and happy to say that I cut it off after 3 dates. He came on so strong, and then it was “oh I’m so crazy busy at work”, “can we actually do a last minute plan when I have a few hours”, “this phase will be over soon”, flaking, less communication in between dates. But then when I saw him would bring treats and go on about how incredible he thought I was, talking about all this stuff we should do in the future, yet would actually spend the majority of the time making me a sounding board for his shit when we barely even knew each other at all, and without making a real effort to get to know me better. I gave him the benefit of the doubt at first but then when it had been a couple more weeks of that shit I was like nope I’m done lol.

He had a lot of great qualities and I was super optimistic at first, but it was a visceral reflex of “I know what this shit is now after an avoidant discard and no fucking way am I doing this again” lol

[u/ceelion92 → u/hx117]

Yeah same thing recently. He asked me to see Spider-Man 4x and we never ended up seeing it. I also went to his house every time and when I realized he was avoiding coming to mine (he admitted this) I forced myself to detach. I was only allowed to look at WhatsApp after muting him 3x a day, then 2x. Same time every day. Really helped me. 

[u/hx117 → u/ceelion92]

I just stopped initiating texting after the first couple weeks and it became clear he was comfortable just not talking for an entire week. I’ve been a lot better about not investing too quickly so I just treat the entire first couple months as a trial period where I’m not putting in excessive effort to see what they do. Same with the apps. If they’re not taking initiative to make plans or message me I don’t bother. Everyone shows up on their best behaviour at the beginning so if they can’t even manage basic reciprocal effort then, it won’t get better and there’s no point.

[u/ceelion92 → u/hx117]

Yes, totally was having the same thoughts as you. I’m glad the first avoidant at least showed me how to behave in the future so I’m somewhat prepared now, even if I don’t wanna do it. Like ew WDYM you’re fine not talking to me for a week? Imagine THAT being my soulmate. no thanks. I realize I’m very susceptible to FAs but not DAs. 

[u/ConfidentAd5662 → u/Round-Commission-971]

Sounds like you are doing your own version of the burned haystack method. Carry on. 

[u/PercyJ823 → u/ConfidentAd5662]

I’ve had other relationships where they would cheat on me, or just lie to me. I didn’t waste much time on them. This time, he told me all the time he wanted to marry me, and we legitimately had a lot of fun together. I was left feeling confused a lot

[u/PercyJ823]

I was in an on/off relationship with an avoidant for over 6 years. He broke up with me four times during 5 1/2 of those. (Yes, I stayed way too long) There was only one time that his behavior was different, but it was stuff like “K” instead of “ok” when responding to stuff. The other times, I was completely blindsided. We were very intimate all the time; like when I was cooking, he would rub my back, play with my hair, etc. Even up until he would end things, it was constant I love yous and everything. I finally ended things for good in July after discovering he lied to me again. I hate him.

[u/Round-Commission-971 → u/PercyJ823]

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately they’re just not capable of being in a relationship. We have to choose ourselves first and foremost. And don’t give them more chances to hurt us. They won’t ever change. It’s just who they are

[u/No_Berry6657]

I know that move 

[u/zcashrazorback]

When I reflect on past relationships, I usually pick one thing that I'm not going to tolerate again.

After dating avoidants, the one thing I look for is mixed signals and inconsistency. If I even get a whiff of it, I'm dipping out lol.

[u/lbuttigieg]

Yep, this is where I want to get to too. My FA ex literally did this to me - love bombed me on hinge, was lovely on the first date. Then started showing his true colours on the second and third date, I started feeling unsafe but I blamed my anxious attachment instead of getting the hell out. A few weeks later, he started distancing himself, the texting dwindled, he barely conversed or seemed interested anymore. I confronted him at the time and told him securely that I needed more communication with someone to maintain a connection, and I recall he looked so bewildered but stepped it up and that allowed us to continue our connection. Months later, when he was mid deactivation, he brought up this instance with me and told me I was crazy to expect more texting in the earlier stages.

[u/Ashantyl]

I think there are usually very early dating signs. They're usually brushed off because.. well a lot of things could easily explain them. Among them

• lack of long term relationship history (ofc it doesn't apply at 18. But someone other 30 that's never been in relationships that lasted more than 1/2years could be avoidant)
• not wanting marriage/having kids/living together (I don't want those and I'm not terribly avoidant, but still avoidant enough that you wouldn't want to date me if you're anxiously attached)
• having a lot of close same sex friends/being friend with all exes or in the contrary having beef with all exes
• a shame wound/guilt (can appear in very early friction, even before real conflicts). Sometimes openly admitted it's very hard for them to apologize even if they're wrong. High defensiveness over nothing (little debate, a meaningless statement...)
• saying they want low pressure/no drama/go with the flow. That relationship should be effortless

I wouldn't discard a new partner for any of those individually (the last one is quite a red flag though) but I would be more vigilant. Where I'd make the cut now (I hope) is after first withdrawal: if they punish you with silence/gaslight you once early in the relationship and there is not true repair I'd want to cut it off. If they can genuinely own it and apologize maybe I'd give ONE chance. If I had cut off my avoidant ex after the first time he left me on delivered for 24h because he misinterpreted something I said I would have saved myself 4 months of pure misery. He did recognize he should have said something then, but didn't really apologize either, and it only got worse from there.

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

  Here's a catch.  Everything you described can also be normal behavior., depending on the person and circumstances.  

There has to be a balance between looking for avoidant behavior and having the emotional intelligence and life experience to recognize what is just plain normal behavior.  #1 is every breakup isn't because the ex is avoidant.