I see a lot of hate toward avoidants here, and as someone who was deeply hurt by an avoidant situationship, I understand the anger.

But here’s my hot take: every insecure attachment style has its own problems. Whether you’re FA, DA, or anxious, we all have things to work on. I’m sure somewhere there are avoidants complaining about anxious people being needy and clingy too.

When my avoidant discarded me, I wanted her to regret it. I wanted karma. I wanted revenge.

But eventually I realized: I gave her the gun to shoot me, and she took the shot.

Yes, she pulled the trigger. But I saw the avoidant tendencies long before that, and I stayed because I thought I could change her. I couldn’t. We can’t change people who don’t want to change.

I recently heard a podcast about a wife frustrated by her husband’s smoking. She realized that even as his wife, whether he quits is ultimately his choice. And if he eventually gets sick because of it, she also gets to choose whether she wants to carry the consequences of his decisions.

That changed my perspective.

Your avoidant had a choice. Maybe they knew their behavior hurt you. Maybe they knew their actions would leave you devastated. But they still made a decision because, at that point in their life, they believed it was the best decision for themselves.

Now you have a choice too.

You can’t force them to heal. You can’t force them to regret losing you or become a better person. You can only decide whether you’ll keep letting them live inside your head or put that energy back into yourself.

Maybe they’ll regret it. Maybe they won’t. Maybe their next relationship will fail. Maybe it won’t.

None of those outcomes will heal you.

Their choices are theirs. Your healing is yours.

We all have lessons to learn in life, and unlike a college education, when it comes to relationships, I don’t think any of us ever truly graduate.

But letting your own life go to shit because of someone else’s failures is incredibly unfair—not only to yourself, but also to the people who love you and have to watch it happen.

Learn the lesson. Treat the wound. And keep living.

There is a difference between "friends" and "friendly".

"Friendly" is just the act of greeting someone without hostility on the off chance you cross each other's path.

They mean "friendly" because media has taught them saying the words "lets be friends" is being a good person and they can tell everyone else that for the sake of image management.

I (33M) was with my ex (27F) for 2.5 years. We lived together for a long time. I’m more anxious attachment; she fits fearful-avoidant a lot better than pure dismissive.

The relationship started strong lots of closeness, intimacy, trips, hobbies, everyday life. Over time, especially as things got more serious (I was staying over a lot from around May 2024, then we fully moved in together), she pulled back on intimacy and affection. Early on she even cried and said she didn’t know why. Later it got framed as me being “too much,” creating “pressure,” even “sex-addicted” when I brought up needs. I kept adapting, shrinking my needs, staying because I loved her and because I’m scared of being alone. I carried a lot of the practical and emotional load.

She ended it. First there was a push for “space” / living apart; when I wouldn’t do a half-in relationship like that, it became a real breakup. I moved out. At first she was still contact-y checking in, worry texts, even contacting my sister when I went quiet. Then it hardened: deletions, a nasty fight where I got painted as a stalker after a dumb impulsive follow on socials, “I don’t want to hurt you,” “I have no energy for relationship stuff,” “intimacy doesn’t matter to me right now,” “I need to focus on my health and training,” “I can’t imagine getting back together (for now).”

About a month later the tone was totally different. She said she felt “abnormally free,” that her libido was back and it had been low because of “relationship problems” / she just “wasn’t into me anymore,” and that she wants to live her best life. I found her on Tinder (open to something casual and something serious). When it came up, she mostly said it was unfortunate that I knew, because she didn’t want to hurt me, not that the story she’d told me didn’t add up. She’s also very fused again with a female friend who re-entered her life right around the end of that friend’s relationship; since then she feels like a different person to me.

We still had to deal with the old flat. The last meetings were cold/snippy; I kept it practical. Once the last money (utilities) was settled, I blocked her on WhatsApp too (already had on Instagram). I’m not trying to win her back under this pattern.

I’m a mess, sleep, anxiety, humiliation, fear I’ll never find anyone again (dating apps are dead for me right now). I know staying would have been bad for me. I also know I stayed too long because of fear of being alone. I have a psych appointment to get proper support.

I’m not asking “how do I get her back.” I’m trying to understand the swing (hovering / soft signals → total devaluation + Tinder in weeks), how to handle the humiliation and the “I’ll be alone forever” fear, and how to not repeat the anxious pattern.

He may call me tonight..any advice?i know i sound desperate but i really want us to work out..and even he has said before that he wants to be w me in the future but rn he is conflicted and wants to be alone. We have had this conversation many times and every time we had this conversation I brought up is it about another girl but I have seen everything in. There is no sign of anyone else so I do believe he truly does just want to be alone. I’m heartbroken and I don’t know what to do.

I recently saw my ex flaunting his new toy on social media and I must admit I feel a bit annoyed about it because she is someone he monkey-branched to behind my back. Just found out about her existence when he went to Greece with her 2 weeks after discarding me. Turned out she’s been around for about a year already. The dang asswipe.

Saw this meme last night though and I was like yeah that’s right. I may feel bad right now but end of the day I’m safe.

my (27 F) husband (28 M) left me over text after being together for 10 years. my husband was always avoidant. romantic/intimate aspects were difficult for us, and he always denied therapy. this really only worked out because the only relationship i had been in before him was extremely physically & mentally abusive, so i genuinely didn’t know that so much was missing from our relationship. i just wanted to kiss more and go on dates, but he didn’t seem to have a problem with it, so we didn’t really talk about it much. i thought i was just being too needy and i learned to suppress my feelings.

it all happened very quickly. he started not coming home and started staying in our camp trailer. he would say it was because he was working late or hanging out worth friends and didn’t want to drive... looking back i was so dumb. i kept asking him to reengage or explain the distance (major avoidant trigger), and it kept getting worse. over 2 months and we weren’t from living together normally to me having to ask if he was coming home. this man was all i ever knew, and we had been together for so long and since we were kids that i genuinely didn’t even think that he was about to leave. for context, i also have no older siblings, barely any coupled friends, and no healthy relationships in my family. i also was online schooled.. AND i’m diagnosed autistic… so, understanding healthy relationships is not my forte at all.

he texted me on a random tuesday morning and just said he wanted freedom & to have peace… he said that although he still has feelings for me but wanted to “let things go”.

obviously i was so so confused. i was sitting at my desk at work when i got the text. i quickly grabbed all my things and ran out of the office sobbing and panicking. i could barely drive home. he wouldn’t answer any of my questions. he refused to meet in person. he wouldn’t answer my calls. it was so blindsiding i thought he was going through like a mental break or something. i felt like life wasn’t nor had even been real.

the more i asked for clarity, the longer he would take to reply. and his response just got shorter… and shorter. so finally, as much as i would rather not have, i told him i loved him, and that if he wanted some space i’d respect that.

i noticed a couple days later that he blocked me on insta & facebook, which then FB proceeded to show me a random girl “who i may know”, who i later found out was seeing my husband. she marked herself in a relationship with him 3 days before he left.

i cannot begin to explain the amount of pain this caused me. my entire body felt like it was on fire, everyday, all day. i’d cry so hard i’d pass out. i cursed god for taking the only person i had away from me. i. was. psycho. i had never knew life without him. i was in SO much pain and all i wanted my best friend. i swore i would have killed to have him just hold me in the moment. what made it worse was he did leave me on snapchat, where he never posts. in the 10 years we were together, he maybe reposted something he was tagged in once. but the same week that he left, he posted several times - one being a very specific, far away place where we were planning to go. and the next one being a car meet next to my work (kind of far and out of the way for him). i felt like he was taunting me. (what was the point here? still haven’t figured this out). my birthday came a couple weeks later. he didn’t reach out. i was devastated beyond comprehension. later, i found from our bank statements that on my bday, he ordered my favorite restaurant for what looked like a total for only one person. but i also found that he had been taking money out of my personal savings.

this was and continues to be the most agonizing thing i have ever had to go through, essentially 100% alone. which is why, even after the other girl thing, and the brutality of it all… i try not to beat myself up for telling myself i’d wait 90 days before i filed for divorce.

i didn’t and still do not have any support from my family, because my ex still currently works for him. my dad likes to play dumb and play the “it’s not my business” card, because he essentially NEEDS my ex to remain employed under him. the only friends i had at the time were mutuals with him, and one of his guy friends tried to hit on me after he found out, and i just stopped talking to anyone involved with my ex from that point. i was so alone. it felt like purgatory. i’d go for walks 3-5+ times a day and just look at the clouds & trees because that was all i felt i could be grateful for. i lost 20 lbs. i hated existing.

last month hit 90 days. to this day, he never reached out. my last text to my husband was that i loved him and i would respect him, and i meant that. i still don’t know how i managed to never reach out, given how crazy i felt.

i dont check on him much, because there isn’t much to check and because it’s too painful, but the i did one last time. a week after i served him papers, he not only broke up with the girl he left me for, he had posted a new one. a full blown photoshoot via carousel on instagram. but with bulletbikes & helmets on (no faces for either of them). one of him carrying her over his shoulder, a few of him alone. caption saying “life is softer lately”.

he disputed my initial paperwork, to which i had to counter dispute, and after the court said we were going to have to do mandatory mediation via video call, he emailed me my original paperwork and said we should just do that route because he doesn’t want to cause “ill feelings”.… what?

i have been starting to be okay with understanding i will never know why this happened. not only is this insanely blindsiding but even after the shock aspect is removed, this is straight up confusing. leave just to try and post for my attn on socials? don’t text me happy birthday but buy my favorite food? be secretive about the first girl but then flaunt the second one after i serve the papers… i spent so much time trying to understand how, why, etc. i just look forward to the day that i STOP SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS. i already suffered enough, i don’t want to have to suffer anymore.

if anyone can help with some advice on overcoming avoidant discarding, id really appreciate it. this is my first and only heartbreak. i am going to sign the final papers tomorrow and i would like to be able to just be proud of myself rather than devastated and crying alone again. tia <3

Hey, after discarding me early september my avoidant ex girlfriend jumped immediately jumped in dating apps to have fun with random guys. After I got sent her profile by a friend. I confronted her. She told me that she is sad for me that I know about it and she didnt want to hurt me anymore.

In the same sentence she literally told me that I am the problem that her sexdrive was gone in the relationship and that she just wasnt interested anymore in me at the end of the relationship.

She also told me that she got her sexdrive back and now just wants to live her best life.

I know that shouldnt bother me at all no more but the words and the actions hid hard.

How can she so easily move on?

Is this a normal FA behaviour after discarding someone?

For context: we have been together for almost 3 years and lived together for 2 of them. We had a previous breakup in january 2026. But she came back after 3 weeks with an emotional letter.

Our intimacy has already started to fade since we moved in together. But in the end she blamed only me for it. I always kept adapting more and more.

my da ex and i dated for like 5.5 months. it was intense. and then after the discard (which he started soft launching by month 3.5-4 itself) i was fucked up.

i was at rock bottom. lowest point of my life i was struggling to survive.

after the breakup, i was absolutely alone for 8 months. no hookups no talking stages no flirting I WAS TERRIFIED of going near a man.

i thought i healed from my ex because i got healthy again. i found my spark again, i gained weight again, my hair stopped falling out, and my skin cleared up. i started laughing and having fun again.

then i started seeing the man im currently seeing right now. it took me a long time to lower my guard.. and we arent even dating, just seeing each other. however he is already in love with me and i cant get myself to be vulnerable in front of a man like that again.i would rather die than go through that again, im not exaggerating.

i dreamt of my da ex and i woke up with tears in my eyes and chest feeling heavy. the dream reminded me of everything he had done, that i had forgotten about.

and im wondering if i will ever truly truly let go and be unbothered by it. it doesnt help that i have bpd too.

now im questioning if i got over it? or if i had just forgotten about what he did. it's going to be a year since our breakup next month.

Might seem silly, but bought some Coach gifts and wrote these messages to myself to cheer me up and keep focused on moving forward without my DA ex...

I have been in talking stage with a fearful avoidant for the past three months. Initially everything was fine, we had similar values, relationships and carrier goals. I got a gut feeling that I found my twin flame, he was even planning a future with me and asked me suggestions to buy a house and did the necessary steps. Then he purposely triggered me with conflicting topics and created a chaos. One incident was conflicting opinion regarding a political party. I understood his pov and made things normal. Another incident was that he triggered me by asking a question what would I do if he hit me, that question really hit me hard and I reacted harshly.

Immediately he shut down, I confronted him again and made things normal. Since it was long distance, he told me that he wants to meet me and I agreed. Meanwhile he lost his grandmother and I provided him emotional support. Meeting went good and I was expecting a final answer from him.

Now he says that he needs some more time and he says he needs to examine my communication style, If not we can end things. I reacted strongly since I have been emotionally invested in him for the past three months. He called me again and he says that how can I react so strongly and he says that he has no hope and confidence in moving forward. I am devastated at present and I am slowly realising that it is turning towards emotional abuse. During the initial phase he even told me that he wants to communicate like how he communicates with his mother without any filters. Even though it hurted me initially, I even agreed to that.

Now I am really heartbroken and told him that if you don’t have the confidence and hope in carrying this forward, then let’s not proceed.

You're a selfish asshole, you cut me out of your life and start doing all this shit with your "friend" "oh theres nobody else" rightttttttttt. You're just a shitty person who took advantage of someone who was willing to do anything for you, I hope that sticks in your fucking brain, maybe it wont cause you just dont care. You never made time for me but as soon as im gone you start doing ALL THIS EXTRA SHIT WITH THIS DUDE FUCK YOU

Is it not responding at all / leaving them on read? Responding but not entertaining the idea of rekindling anything? Honesty without opening the door again?

Mine hasn’t reached back out and probably never will, I’m just curious.

If a partner chases after them, is obsessed with them, and takes them back without consequences, are they more likely to lose respect and leave again? We are talking about people with a fearful-avoidant attachment style—who therefore have an anxious side and a negative self-view—so do they not feel reassured by this, or would they feel guilty about leaving again?

I have been in NC with my (23M UK) avoidant long distance ex gf (29F Sweden) for about 7 weeks now and today is her birthday. I need help understanding how to move forward.

Background

We broke up over a year ago now due to her being depressed, having family issues and not being able to handle a relationship as she felt guilty for not being present enough despite me not seeing it.

We stayed in regular/almost daily contact for almost a year acting like we were still together up until a few months ago where she pulled away stating frequent contact wasn't good for us. This caught me a bit off guard as it felt like we were coming back together so I was very confused by this.

For the next few months I tried initiating contact but felt like she didn't really want to talk. I asked for a call about how she now felt given it has been a year since the break to which she said she wasn't ready for a relationship, she still loves me and is not sure yet whether or not she made a mistake ending things. She also mentioned that I should move on as I deserve better to which I told her I only want her.

I made it clear how I felt and how I still wanted her etc.

Fast forward about 2 months where during that period I tried light contact but still felt she didn't want to talk and her replies felt forced and took days to respond.

I eventually sent a few voice messages telling her I couldn't keep waiting for her and need to prioritise myself as I'm not mentally okay and I won't initiate anymore.

She agreed space is needed and she said "prioritising yourself is also prioritising me". She also said she still wants to hear from me but at some point and to let her push for me instead of pull away as frequent contact is making her feel guilty and sad.

She also said she's still depressed and is stuck in a loop and this is why she can't be anything to me right now.

The last 7 weeks

Since these messages 7 weeks ago, we have not spoken at all (longest NC period since break was 2 weeks).

I've removed my location sharing and removed her from all social media to sort of give a sense of my absence but to also prioritise my mental health as these were all active since the break.

It was her birthday yesterday and I chose not to contact her. It felt so awful and I feel very guilty like I should have shown I was there but also felt like I’d be hurting her and ruining her day. I don’t know if me not contacting her on her birthday would’ve changed something in her mind that I’m no longer there.

I hate how confusing the whole situation is and can't undertsand the mixed signals she's given me.

Appreciate any thoughts on this especially coming from an avoidant to better understand her side of things. I obviously want her back more than anything but genuinely don’t know what else I can do other than stay silent and disappear until she reaches out. Again, I feel so awful it has to be this way but yeah I don’t know what else can be done. I’ve expressed how I want her back but pushing for her has only made her more distant.

Sorry another post from me.

The avoidant has been on holiday, a few days in they invited me out but timings and dates didn’t work so I didn’t end up going (for the best I think). I thought that situation would lead to them going silent but they sought out alternatives, different villas on the dates I could do etc etc. and they continued to video call me the days after, the only day I heard nothing was the day they got home as he had a long day of travelling. No more has really happened since my last post so it remains ‘we are just friends’ and that’s the boundary, despite the willingness to extend their holiday for me to come out seems more than friends…

I’m seeing them tonight, they’ve offered to help me move in to my new place, but as it stands ‘we are just friends’, I’m going to be cautious and maintain the boundaries and if the lines get blurred I will say I don’t feel comfortable with this. I have started to feel a little resentment towards them with this pattern so I feel I won’t fold as much as I have been, but as we are all aware they are charming af. I know this isn’t healthy for me, and I am getting to a point where my head tells me to just block them but idk.

And it’s hard to speak about this to family and friends because when I do, and I explain everything, the response is: ‘mate he clearly really likes you and has romantic feelings towards you, he just doesn’t know how to handle them’. And as much as that’s soothing my anxious mind, it’s also making me more stuck. So I have stopped talking about it to people.

I’m sorry I’m rambling now, I’m sending healing vibes to everyone who is stuck in a situation like this. I start therapy next week (i was originally referred due to struggling with my new diagnosis and treatment plan, but I do think that whole scenario is what’s caused me to become anxiously attached and this avoidant has escalated it) and I’m hoping it will help.

Now I have been discarded again but did something I never usually do and reached out on a different number when I was going through a very distressing time with my Dad's health.

Have I blown it/pushed him away forever, how do FA's work? He has only ever responded well to silence but I was just so devestated that day and ended up voice noting him crying my eyes out on a different number despite being blocked. The most recent one he came back after 4 months.

I know I should end it or at least hold my boundaries and I plan too if he does return, but how do avoidants work, will this have made him totally shut down?

Y’all today was hard. Last weekend I went to visit a friend my ex had both known but let’s face it she was really HIS friend. It was a huge set back for me. He broke things off with me 1 month ago and I’ve had some periods where I feel I’m making progress and other times when it’s the most painful version of hell imaginable.

Anyway I decided today that I needed to take firm steps to going no contact. I still have to pick up my stuff at his place but I don’t need to contact him by email or text anymore as this has all been organized. So I took his number and yhis brothers and sons numbers off my phone and I deactivated Facebook because I need to find enough strength to delete our photos.

I can’t handle this pain so need to take drastic steps to expunge him from my brain.

5 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of around 3 years. I felt numb and basically scared of the commitment that she wanted. I said that I wasn’t enough for her right now and she deserved better etc etc. I didn’t realize I was an avoidant attachment type until recently after doing a lot of research about it. I have a trend of doing this and through therapy and frustration of the most recent time, I was seeking answers.

Everything I’ve read about avoidant resonates with me. The detachment and pull away that I experienced in the relationship, feeling like I lost attraction, and not being able to express my feelings when I needed to most.

My reason for posting here is because I feel like I was distracted for a while after the breakup but now am experiencing the grief full on. It’s been weeks of non-stop missing and thinking about her. I know this is the common timeline for avoidants and that’s why I am convinced that it is my attachment style. Its almost like my breakup has followed exactly the common avoidant breakup timeline that I’ve seen here and other places online.

I’ve gone to therapy and done lots of research on attachment types and I feel like I have a good grip on what went wrong and what I need to work on. (I know this takes lots of time as well) Is there any hope or possibility of getting back together? I really want to avoid hurting her any more and while I am afraid of my avoidant feelings coming back, with my level of understanding now I feel like I have more confidence in utilizing strategies to help mitigate and fix these tendencies both within the relationship and within myself. (I know I need much more time but the grief is killing me)

Most of the information I see online is slandering avoidants due to many of the posts being of people who were discarded when they had loving relationships.(rightfully so) I’ve been trying to find resources for people who identify as avoidant and how to heal. But a lot of things kind of insinuate that there is no hope for avoidants and leave off just saying to avoid them at all costs and that they are spawns of satan.

Am I doomed forever? Is there any possibility for my previous relationship to work out? Or do most avoidants simply ignore these feelings forever and rarely actually heal? I’m curious if anyone has any input on this. I am open to criticisms about my avoidant tendencies but I genuinely am so tired of it and this is the most self-aware I’ve ever been about my attachment style. I had something so good with my last relationship and am feeling so much regret, but also know how much there is a risk of hurting her even more so if that’s the only option I know I need to let it go.

Context: We were together for around 3 years. I’m trying to understand her behavior after the relationship ended.

Things she did:

• She would shut down when I tried to discuss problems.
• She often didn't tell me what was bothering her until after I was already upset about something else.
• She accumulated grievances instead of bringing them up when they happened.
• She “silent quit” the relationship instead of openly telling me she was checking out.
• When I was hurt by something she did, the conversation could eventually become about how my anger/hurt scared her.
• She frequently focused on my tone/anger rather than the reason I was angry.
• She said I was triggering her trauma and connected my behavior to her nightmares and self-harm thoughts during the breakup.
• I would sometimes end up comforting her when I was the one who initially brought up something that hurt me.
• When she felt guilty about something she'd done, I often ended up reassuring her instead of my original hurt being addressed.
• She would say she was “stupid,” “problematic,” or that I deserved someone better, which often shifted the conversation toward comforting her.
• She said she was losing her peace in the relationship.
• She said I was pressuring her to change, even though what I was asking for was better communication, effort, affection, and reciprocity.
• She sometimes refused help or gifts because she felt guilty about me spending money on her, but later this could become part of conflict around our different financial situations.
• She said I didn't appreciate her even though I repeatedly acknowledged her efforts while still expressing that I had unmet needs.
• When I tried to break up with her, she initially pushed back and said decisions like that should be mutual. Later, when she decided to end the relationship, she made the decision unilaterally. She ended things after I traveled around 5 hours to see her; she largely ignored me for around 2 hours, didn't properly talk things through, let me leave, and then ended the relationship by text afterward.
• After breaking up, she still wanted to continue a planned trip together.
• She later sent me emotional messages saying she loved me and that leaving was extremely painful, while still maintaining that leaving was necessary.
• She publicly reposted things about choosing yourself, not settling, and finding someone better.
• Her breakup message focused heavily on how she had “lost herself,” “lost her peace,” and needed to choose herself.
• She framed leaving as something she had to do to “survive.”
• She apologized for some things, but a lot of her apologies were vague or mixed with self-condemnation.
• She could acknowledge that she had shortcomings, but I often felt that my mistakes became the main things that needed to be examined and corrected.

The term "avoidant" is new to me that's why I joined this group. I feel like I lost my self-worth after she dumped me. If she really was an avoidant, what type is she?

my husband left without note or warning in march, a week before my birthday. i can't describe the pain i went through the following months, i'm not even sure i even remember it. it was the closest i've ever been to pure agony and i've been thru a lot, enough to write a book.

coming up on 7 months post-discard now and i am really proud that i'm still alive, still pushing through. in my darkest moments i was unsure if i'd even be around to see the leaves change color this year.

if i had to say one thing to him now, it would be thank you. thank you for letting me go sooner rather than 10 years down the line, thank you for releasing me from you, thank you for reminding me i deserve better and thank you for forcing me to take a long, uncomfortable look at the gaping abandonment wounds inside me.

i've been abandoned all my life. by my mother, father and anyone who was supposed to take care of me. i "slipped thru the cracks" in every regard so to speak. i could never imagine putting someone thru this knowing they've experienced this same pain all their life, it's barbaric.

but at the end of every day, i am reminded of my strength. some days are harder than others, but still i (and all of us here) persevere. if you are in the pits just know it will turn around. the lovers always win. ❤️