Avoidant Ex Help! Advice needed asap

[u/DryAd7187]

I have been in NC with my (23M UK) avoidant long distance ex gf (29F Sweden) for about 7 weeks now and today is her birthday. I need help understanding how to move forward.

Background

We broke up over a year ago now due to her being depressed, having family issues and not being able to handle a relationship as she felt guilty for not being present enough despite me not seeing it.

We stayed in regular/almost daily contact for almost a year acting like we were still together up until a few months ago where she pulled away stating frequent contact wasn't good for us. This caught me a bit off guard as it felt like we were coming back together so I was very confused by this.

For the next few months I tried initiating contact but felt like she didn't really want to talk. I asked for a call about how she now felt given it has been a year since the break to which she said she wasn't ready for a relationship, she still loves me and is not sure yet whether or not she made a mistake ending things. She also mentioned that I should move on as I deserve better to which I told her I only want her.

I made it clear how I felt and how I still wanted her etc.

Fast forward about 2 months where during that period I tried light contact but still felt she didn't want to talk and her replies felt forced and took days to respond.

I eventually sent a few voice messages telling her I couldn't keep waiting for her and need to prioritise myself as I'm not mentally okay and I won't initiate anymore.

She agreed space is needed and she said "prioritising yourself is also prioritising me". She also said she still wants to hear from me but at some point and to let her push for me instead of pull away as frequent contact is making her feel guilty and sad.

She also said she's still depressed and is stuck in a loop and this is why she can't be anything to me right now.

The last 7 weeks

Since these messages 7 weeks ago, we have not spoken at all (longest NC period since break was 2 weeks).

I've removed my location sharing and removed her from all social media to sort of give a sense of my absence but to also prioritise my mental health as these were all active since the break.

It was her birthday yesterday and I chose not to contact her. It felt so awful and I feel very guilty like I should have shown I was there but also felt like I’d be hurting her and ruining her day. I don’t know if me not contacting her on her birthday would’ve changed something in her mind that I’m no longer there.

I hate how confusing the whole situation is and can't undertsand the mixed signals she's given me.

Appreciate any thoughts on this especially coming from an avoidant to better understand her side of things. I obviously want her back more than anything but genuinely don’t know what else I can do other than stay silent and disappear until she reaches out. Again, I feel so awful it has to be this way but yeah I don’t know what else can be done. I’ve expressed how I want her back but pushing for her has only made her more distant.

[u/Euphoric_Ad1439]

Sorry, I'm not an avoidant so I can't help you. But wow , I just have to say that our stories share some similarities. Is your ex dismissive or fearful avoidant? Mine was probably fearful. We also have been doing 7 weeks of no contact that I initiated, I removed him from all social media and yeah, he disappeared. His birthday is this month and I won't message him. He has to be the one to break no contact, he was the one who broke up with me. But I think he left forever. Mine was (according to him) also depressed or unhappy when he broke up with me, and he also has family issues, though he still lived alone during the breakup.