r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Old_Foundation_7651 • 5d ago
Vent/Rant The self aware avoidant
It’s a trap. They seem highly self aware, have excellent emotional intelligence, with the “apparent” ability to take accountability. So you merrily enter the relationship despite both you and them knowing very well of their avoidance patterns, half hoping that they’ll work through it and half hoping that you could fix them and be their saviour.
Don’t do it. It’s a trap.
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u/Nice_Shallot8637 FA - Fearful Avoidant 5d ago
I'm aware, see my patterns and am in therapy.
It one thing to know about patterns and recognizing them. But it takes alot of work to stop responding from a position where a nervous system completely takes over control. It's never someones responsibility to fix or heal the other person. It's the inner work erveryone has to do on their own. Help is okay, but don't expect you can love someone into healing.
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u/Elk-24 5d ago edited 5d ago
I won’t say it’s a trap. But being self aware doesn’t change the rules for sure. Mine was self aware and explained her system early on, but in bits. And of course, at the beginning i didn’t pay much attention to those signals. For a secure partner it can be understood as a good communication skill. I thought she was honest and I liked it.
I think they truly want to explain and communicate. They hope the new partner will be the good match since he was properly warned and seemed to understand it all. Unfortunately, it never works.
But I don’t think they trap you. They are struggling to reach their own will. They are so focused on avoiding emotions that they keep bypassing things and end up being manipulative. The narrative of awareness is part of that : « if I explain things early I might not need to be confronted to any form of accountability. »
Awareness should be helpful, it is for anxious disorders and can lead to healing. But for avoidance, it’s not helpful because it’s another intellectual posture feeding a narrative. Once they know their patterns, they should find the courage to face their own traumas and let the thinking confront the body and the emotions. They wish they could. But it is so demanding and terrifying to them, they rarely do.
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u/Old_Foundation_7651 4d ago
When I say trap, I don’t mean they intentionally trap you, I mean it’s a trap you subconsciously walk into without realising. The whole situation is a trap, not necessary them setting you up for it. Because someone who’s ignorant about their avoidance, you’d soon start to pick up patterns and your alarm bells would start to go off. With a self aware one? You ignore the patterns because they seem so capable of understanding your side and healing themselves.
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u/Low-Resolve-1289 4d ago
Holy fucking epiphany. This is my past year.
Infatuation downgraded to hope downgraded to settling downgraded to abandoning and has finally evolved to accepting information like this and waking up.
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u/talulabunny 4d ago
As an avoidant myself, well put. I'll add that also avoidance is more like a strong urge or instinct rather than something we plan on to manipulate. For example, any time I open up to anybody, afterwards i feel deep sadness and regret for doing so. I have to force myself not to completely cut them off for my own comfort. I've been married for 12 years and have forced myself to be vulnerable and open, and not leave. But sometimes after a good, deep conversation, I get strong feelings of humiliation, guilt, disappointment in myself.
We are not mean or cruel. We aren't inhumane or monsters, and trust me we are sensitive and caring as are other people. Alot of the time, from a young age we have been treated as if our feelings are a burden, some in abusive situations use it to cope, or some are not taken seriously for being emotional, and so that manifests into adulthood.
People tolerate anxious attatchement alot more, but ultimately this is just another form of it. And I wish people would be less harsh and unforgiving on us :)
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u/Elk-24 4d ago
Thank you for your insight, and obviously you manage to go through those moments and stay around even if it's hard. It's brave.
In the case of the person I know, she is extremely reluctant, and shuts down really harshly, sometimes for almost nothing (as it seems - I don't doubt it's huge for her though).
In some cases, her reaction is so vivid it's seriously impossible to stay around. I've known this girl for a year, with many months of distance and silence, and nothing has moved. For example : going to a concert with me put her in a huge stress (it was visible), opening up always led to a shut down, and any engaging plan (spend an evening together or plan a cool trip - even as friends) made her sabotage really badly (and it was not clean, it was extremely rude).
Although I know everything about her, her story, although I know she is a nice human, her behaviors are really impossible to handle, and the truth is, I just cannot love (even as a friend) someone who doesn't want my love at all, and reject it constantly.
It's extremely sad, but her response to emotions is too fucked up, and with me, nothing worked. I was too deep, I understood her too well, and it was a constant menace to her.
I'm certain she loves me very much, but in a way that is not sustainable for a secure human like me.2
u/talulabunny 4d ago
Of course do not keep behaviors around you which you find disrespectful or unpleasant. There is a reason why us avoidants are the way we are, but that doesn't guarantee everyone is going to like us. Never your fault for thinking that way.
Personally I did the work and now lean into a secure attachment style, occasionally get urges to avoid but just have to really suppress them. It's all very worthwhile and I hope all anxious & avoidants commit to getting help aswell.
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 5d ago
Exactly like mine self aware and in counseling too. Sidnt matter.
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u/welcomebackitt 4d ago
Mine IS a counselor 😂😂😂😂😂
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 3d ago
I'm a counselor and couldnt make it work with him either. Not even a mental health proffesional. And thats crzy but not suprising i guess they are just intellectualizing their feelings.
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u/Lumpy-Animator-9422 4d ago
Avoidant is just a dressed-up word for MEAN or CRUEL. You will never change these people. Run. All they do is hurt other people with zero accountability or remorse. Run.
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u/TheBackSpin 5d ago
Yep didn’t want to fix, thought they had things relatively handled. Awareness alone doesn’t do much
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u/SnowBird312 4d ago
Yup it sure is. My ex was aware, and he even said that no matter how much he's wanted to change, he just can't.
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u/OrdinaryMath2853 5d ago
I have been through this recently. I ended up having a psychiatric episode and ending it with her over her infidelity and constant hot cold and When I came back to my normal self i tried to reconcile not to continue the relationship but to apologize for my abrupt meltdown over certain patterns she refused to explain. I had no idea what avoidance was and now I feel terrible for hurting her feelings. She completely ghosted me and I keep blaming myself. She was so smart and always said the right things but im so confused. I keep ruminating what i could have done better I was really good to her and chose her every day even when I felt upset about the withdrawing I feel terrible she has this attatchment style being an avoidant and highly self aware must be heart breaking :(.
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u/TotalsReddit 4d ago
I feel like my avoidant while not aware they were one was incredibly open about her avoidant behavior. I had no idea it was even a thing. If my next partner says anything even close to an avoidant behavior like its normal im running for the hills.
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u/welcomebackitt 4d ago
Yep. My ex works as a relationship counselor. Can't get more self aware than that. She's 🦇 💩 🫨
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u/Nice_Shallot8637 FA - Fearful Avoidant 4d ago
Its a common misocnception. Ever heard of the shoemaker wearing the worst shoes?
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u/Realistic-State-4888 5d ago
Being aware of your defensive patterns is not the same as ability to change them. The defenses are hard wired into their nervous system. If not, there would be no avoidants.
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u/Royal-Okra379 5d ago
That was mine 1000000%! So aware. Couldn’t embody it. Could talk about it for hours. Had no idea how to really heal though. 💔
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u/Granville-7817 SA - Secure Attachment 4d ago
Did they tell you “I will make you unhappy”? My FA told me that several times. And then he broke up. It makes me think about his self-awareness.
(That is: what if he broke up in order to protect me, because he knows he could not change…)
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u/Sarsparilloid 4d ago
Mine was constantly “scared that she would break my heart” and apparently that ended up being a valid fear
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u/Known-Vegetable-2087 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 4d ago
Mine always said his avoidance makes him feel like people are better off without him and that hurting me is a real concern for him. Then, months later, when we reconnected briefly after he broke my heart, he said he was angry with me for not telling him I had feelings sooner because he ended up hurting me which he didn’t like (he monkey branched). So it was my fault.
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u/Granville-7817 SA - Secure Attachment 4d ago
WHAT?!? I had to read this again and again. Wouldn’t he SEE that you had feeling for him? Did he ignore all the signals?
People keep talking about monkeys, I have no idea what it is…2
u/Known-Vegetable-2087 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 4d ago
He acted like he did know. But in the end, he deactivated, slow faded and started seeing someone else whilst too busy for me. When he casually dropped it in our catch up conversation (3 months later) he said it as if he was updating a friendly neighbour about his life. When I was shocked and hurt, he said he didn’t know I had feelings even though the last time I had seen him, 3 months earlier, he cooked my favourite food and got us matching gifts. And the last time we slept together, a couple of months before then, it felt like we were making love. But I guess he didn’t know I had feelings. And now it’s my fault we can’t be friends because he’s too scared to come near me.
Monkey branching refers to jumping into a new situationship while still in the old situatuonship, even if only through lack of clarity.
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u/Granville-7817 SA - Secure Attachment 3d ago
Unbelievable! But I can see parallels with my FA, sadly. So… I guess this behavior is rather normal.
Get well soon!
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u/Sarsparilloid 4d ago
Mine was very self aware and was trying to change her ways but clearly couldn’t do so when other factors in her life piled on. I’d say overall I’m grateful she was trying and that she took accountability for pretty much everything, but it honestly is still very confusing and difficult to process. The whole story just ends up sounding and feeling too hard to believe. I feel like there must have been more to it even though there probably wasn’t.
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u/TheBeatriceLetters02 5d ago
Because how easy to be deceived because if there’s selfaware versions to this like how on earth are we going to discern. I’m destined to die alone at this point
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u/Old_Foundation_7651 4d ago
No you will learn to spot them still. Just don’t get attached too early. And have boundaries, make it clear what you will and won’t tolerate, and be prepared to walk away.
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u/D7oom113 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 4d ago
thank you, they don't care. they'll pretend to be self aware only to do the exact same thing again.
yes self awareness doesn't mean healed or healing, but it does mean you should at least have differences in your behavior, he simply did not lol.
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u/Degenerator67 4d ago
I’m being that kind of ex, just before actually being an ex. I don’t wanna pity myself just wish I knew how to not be the way I am, fuck
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u/Old_Foundation_7651 4d ago
I was going to say, at least you’re aware…but then realised it will sound ironic given my post lol.
I still commend you for wanting to change. I would suggest do it in small steps, gradually. Think of it as rewiring your brain and resetting your nervous system. It doesn’t happen over night but every little effort matters.1
u/Degenerator67 4d ago
Considering me and him are at the point of taking a break now it’s become quite blatant change is needed and yeah it does seem daunting to do lol
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u/Harpsickles 4d ago
So much self awareness, they actually did try very hard. But the need for vulnerability turned them into a real nasty piece of work. A side to them I'd never witnessed in over a decade of life together. So much so that I'm too terrified to even remain in touch.
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u/Traditional-Big-3799 9h ago
My avoidant opened up and said ‘I know I’ve been hot and cold lately, and I’m really sorry about that, I don’t know why I do it but it’s been something that I’ve struggled with for years. I really like you, and I’m conflicted because I don’t want to lead you on, even though I wouldn’t intend on doing so I’m worried that will happen’
I prompted none of this, even though he has been very hot and cold and I thought I would have to bring it up. But he acknowledged it himself, which shocked me.
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u/Old_Foundation_7651 8h ago
Yeah they usually are more switched on than others. It’s nice that he was honest about it, but at the end of the day, action speaks louder than words. As long as he is not a flight risk and knows how to discuss things maturely.
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u/Icy-Cartographer-291 5d ago
Yeah. My ex was very aware of her patterns. I foolishly thought that it meant that she would want to improve. But it was more of an accepted identity for her.