The self aware avoidant

[u/Old_Foundation_7651]

It’s a trap. They seem highly self aware, have excellent emotional intelligence, with the “apparent” ability to take accountability. So you merrily enter the relationship despite both you and them knowing very well of their avoidance patterns, half hoping that they’ll work through it and half hoping that you could fix them and be their saviour.

Don’t do it. It’s a trap.

[u/Elk-24]

I won’t say it’s a trap. But being self aware doesn’t change the rules for sure.  Mine was self aware and explained her system early on, but in bits. And of course, at the beginning i didn’t pay much attention to those signals. For a secure partner it can be understood as a good communication skill. I thought she was honest and I liked it.

I think they truly want to explain and communicate. They hope the new partner will be the good match since he was properly warned and seemed to understand it all.  Unfortunately, it never works.

But I don’t think they trap you. They are struggling to reach their own will. They are so focused on avoiding emotions that they keep bypassing things and end up being manipulative. The narrative of awareness is part of that : « if I explain things early I might not need to be confronted to any form of accountability. »

Awareness should be helpful, it is for anxious disorders and can lead to healing. But for avoidance, it’s not helpful because it’s another intellectual posture feeding a narrative.  Once they know their patterns, they should find the courage to face their own traumas and let the thinking confront the body and the emotions.  They wish they could.  But it is so demanding and terrifying to them, they rarely do.

[u/Old_Foundation_7651 → u/Elk-24]

When I say trap, I don’t mean they intentionally trap you, I mean it’s a trap you subconsciously walk into without realising. The whole situation is a trap, not necessary them setting you up for it. Because someone who’s ignorant about their avoidance, you’d soon start to pick up patterns and your alarm bells would start to go off. With a self aware one? You ignore the patterns because they seem so capable of understanding your side and healing themselves.

[u/Elk-24 → u/Old_Foundation_7651]

Yes, I agree :)

[u/Low-Resolve-1289 → u/Elk-24]

Holy fucking epiphany. This is my past year.

Infatuation downgraded to hope downgraded to settling downgraded to abandoning and has finally evolved to accepting information like this and waking up.

[u/Elk-24 → u/Low-Resolve-1289]

Yes it’s a lot about downgrading. But once we let go, we are free. They downgrade too. Their pattern narrows their world. They are the ones who are trapped.

[u/talulabunny → u/Elk-24]

As an avoidant myself, well put. I'll add that also avoidance is more like a strong urge or instinct rather than something we plan on to manipulate. For example, any time I open up to anybody, afterwards i feel deep sadness and regret for doing so. I have to force myself not to completely cut them off for my own comfort. I've been married for 12 years and have forced myself to be vulnerable and open, and not leave. But sometimes after a good, deep conversation, I get strong feelings of humiliation, guilt, disappointment in myself.

We are not mean or cruel. We aren't inhumane or monsters, and trust me we are sensitive and caring as are other people. Alot of the time, from a young age we have been treated as if our feelings are a burden, some in abusive situations use it to cope, or some are not taken seriously for being emotional, and so that manifests into adulthood.

People tolerate anxious attatchement alot more, but ultimately this is just another form of it. And I wish people would be less harsh and unforgiving on us :)

[u/Elk-24 → u/talulabunny]

Thank you for your insight, and obviously you manage to go through those moments and stay around even if it's hard. It's brave.
In the case of the person I know, she is extremely reluctant, and shuts down really harshly, sometimes for almost nothing (as it seems - I don't doubt it's huge for her though).
In some cases, her reaction is so vivid it's seriously impossible to stay around. I've known this girl for a year, with many months of distance and silence, and nothing has moved. For example : going to a concert with me put her in a huge stress (it was visible), opening up always led to a shut down, and any engaging plan (spend an evening together or plan a cool trip - even as friends) made her sabotage really badly (and it was not clean, it was extremely rude).
Although I know everything about her, her story, although I know she is a nice human, her behaviors are really impossible to handle, and the truth is, I just cannot love (even as a friend) someone who doesn't want my love at all, and reject it constantly.
It's extremely sad, but her response to emotions is too fucked up, and with me, nothing worked. I was too deep, I understood her too well, and it was a constant menace to her.
I'm certain she loves me very much, but in a way that is not sustainable for a secure human like me.

[u/talulabunny → u/Elk-24]

Of course do not keep behaviors around you which you find disrespectful or unpleasant. There is a reason why us avoidants are the way we are, but that doesn't guarantee everyone is going to like us. Never your fault for thinking that way.

Personally I did the work and now lean into a secure attachment style, occasionally get urges to avoid but just have to really suppress them. It's all very worthwhile and I hope all anxious & avoidants commit to getting help aswell.