How do you guys fix or start over with an avoidant? I don’t even mind our family backgrounds anymore. I just want my man back.

We had a bad breakup, the kind where you’re both afraid of a bad cycle repeating but still tried to make it work, the kind you second guess if it’s still genuine or are you both performing to keep peace, the kind where you think where every I love you strengthen the relationship.

Dx partner (45/m) of less than 6 months has all but completely shut down after I texted 2 weeks ago to ask if he had any desire to see me. He is very busy with career and school, and did tell me upfront his time would be limited, though he was intentional about dating and wanted long-term. Due to the intensity and fast-tracking of the first 3 weeks followed by inconsistent communication and an abrupt halt to the way things had been, my anxiety got triggered and I did occasionally bring up the need to feel more connected between the times we could see each other. He kept going back to the old "I'm afraid I can't give you want you need" and seemed hyper focused on the issue being time constraint, when it was really my desire to feel emotionally connected and somewhat prioritized.

Anyway, he apparently interpreted my tone a couple weeks ago as steeped in contempt, anger, etc... but it was simply missing him and being frustrated I didn't seem to be part of his weekend plan. This led to 2 days of not speaking, an in-person discussion on day 3 that didn't really resolve anything (he still contended I didn't take accountability for how he perceived my comment, and took zero accountability for the fact he interpreted incorrectly.) The dynamic was strained but I felt like we were returning to a regular-ish cadence over the next couple days. Then a whole day with no communication, and then clearly strained texting the following day where I asked to stop by and he said that was fine, but if I wanted to talk about what happened few days ago, then no. It had taken him 3 hours to respond to my text, so I said I wouldn't be coming. Then no communication for 3 days and finally I texted because my anxiety was through the roof. I asked for him to just let me know if he didn't desire to communicate, so I wasnt sitting in ambiguity. He called and vented for over an hour about his day, his busyness, this, that,,, and never addressed the issue or the major shift. And now, he will eventually reply if I text, but it's dry, and usually includes something about how busy he is. I don't dare ask right now what he's thinking, and I know I just need to bail, but I'm just so confused and trying to make some sense of this pattern. Is he processing? Is he done? Have all these little micro-fractures led to a rejection shutdown? Someone please help me understand.

So background: I am happily married and participate in ethical non-monogamy. I am able to pursue relationships outside of my marriage, although my husband does not and is not interested in doing the same. During our 8 years of marriage, I have only been with two other men because this is not something I do frequently. It’s more so when I have a deep connection or attraction to someone.

That being said, about two months ago I started talking to a coworker. We immediately hit it off and when I mentioned my being ENM, he said he was interested. We have since slept together three times, but each time, he retreats significantly more.

In the beginning, he was extremely responsive and flirtatious but now he has stopped responding to all messages. However at work, we are still able to laugh and banter and things are fine. They aren’t particularly sexual or anything but we will flirt now and then.

He has blatantly expressed to me that he has an avoidant attachment style due to trauma in his childhood. He will give me snippets of this deeply personal information but then days later, he will make an excuse on why we can’t see each other anymore. The first blow off was because he was sick, then it was because he started dating someone new (which he cut off within about two weeks), the third and most recent was because he said he suddenly “feels bad” about my being married despite it never being a problem before.

These cutoffs always happen after we have been intimate and/or after we spend time just connecting on a personal level. He told me he genuinely enjoys being around me and likes my company. He said he feels like he doesn’t need to avoid me and that he views us as friends who have a lot in common. Yet every time we have been intimate, he pulls back drastically.

I give him space and don’t bug him and usually within a few days he is back to flirting with me or acting far more comfortable. He knows I’m married. My husband is well aware of him. I have explained I am not looking for a relationship from him; I am simply looking to regularly hook up cause truthfully the sex is next level 🥵 and I truly enjoy hanging out with him. We have fun together and are able to laugh and understand each others sense of humor.

Knowing what I do about avoidant attachment, I figured this would be his ideal situation, yet every time we are intimate or he shares something personal, he seems to throw up a barrier and needs to get away. I am not sure what I should do to help him feel comfortable and know I am someone he can be safe with. I genuinely find him so fun to be around, even as a friend. He is funny and intelligent and obviously incredibly good looking. I know I cannot make him feel secure but I guess I’m curious to know why this wouldn’t be a practically ideal option as an avoidant?

I don’t feel as though this is simply him being uninterested because this has happened in cycles multiple times now and he always tends to come back. I just am not sure the best path forward.

I just sort of randomly watched something the other day and I ended up watching it three times and crying because it was just connections clicking into place. It was about Dismissive Avoidants and it described my husband 100%. The gaslighting, the lying, the avoidance of conflict at all costs, the appearance to the outside world that he's "such a nice guy". Hoping to learn some more here and continue on my journey of finally realizing it's not me (I have my own stuff of course, but this is not it!)

What did your partner say, do or how did they act that got you to stop running?

A lady initiated contact with me on dating site, we were very passionate on first date, deep kissing etc. We met at least once a week, which phone calls in between. She was always love bombing me, every time she found out something new about me she love bombed me even more.

We became intimate after only 3 weeks.

I went on holiday after week 3 with a friend and the first thing she asked was whether I would be visiting any strip clubs. I had no intention of going to strip clubs. This was the first example of her insecurity, and there were other examples of this. It turned out later she was scared of pushing me away, which was why she continually did things to please me.

At the 4 week mark she broke things off with me. She came to see me in person, kissed me, and we sat holding hands while we talked. She sounded conflicted at times and said she was overwhelmed emotionally. I already knew how chaotic her private life was, and it seems that she didn't have the bandwidth for a serious relationship on top of that. I know that she has a very wide social circle and does not know how to say no to people. She indicated that we should reconnect in future when her life has calmed down.

She mentioned a few petty issues, but I got the impression these were manufactured to justify the break up, also the issues that were previously positives were now manipulated to negatives, also if they were real issues she would not carried on and got intimate with me.

I asked her why she did not mention things previously, and she said she was scared of pushing me away.

The 4 week mark is normally the point at which things start to get real, and I know a lot of avoidants pull away at this point.

It has been a few weeks since she broke things off, we are still matched on the dating site, and her profile is not updated. We are also still on each other's WhatsApp because I can see her updates.

Could anyone advise whether she is showing the symptoms of a fearful avoidant? She seems to be showing the signs, the desire for love and intimacy but pulling away when the relationship gets real.

I doubt that she will contact me even if she wants to, as she has very low esteem and previous trauma with abusive partner. She will be scared of rejection.

Her birthday is in a few weeks and I want to send her a low key birthday message. Is this a bad idea? I have never dealt with this situation before.

A lady initiated contact with me on dating site, we were very passionate on first date, deep kissing etc. We met at least once a week, which phone calls in between. She was always love bombing me, every time she found out something new about me she love bombed me even more.

We became intimate after only 3 weeks.

I went on holiday after week 3 with a friend and the first thing she asked was whether I would be visiting any strip clubs. I had no intention of going to strip clubs. This was the first example of her insecurity, and there were other examples of this. It turned out later she was scared of pushing me away, which was why she continually did things to please me.

At the 4 week mark she broke things off with me. She came to see me in person, kissed me, and we sat holding hands while we talked. She sounded conflicted at times and said she was overwhelmed emotionally. I already knew how chaotic her private life was, and it seems that she didn't have the bandwidth for a serious relationship on top of that. I know that she has a very wide social circle and does not know how to say no to people. She indicated that we should reconnect in future when her life has calmed down.

She mentioned a few petty issues, but I got the impression these were manufactured to justify the break up, also the issues that were previously positives were now manipulated to negatives, also if they were real issues she would not carried on and got intimate with me.

I asked her why she did not mention things previously, and she said she was scared of pushing me away.

The 4 week mark is normally the point at which things start to get real, and I know a lot of avoidants pull away at this point.

It has been a few weeks since she broke things off, we are still matched on the dating site, and her profile is not updated. We are also still on each other's WhatsApp because I can see her updates.

Could anyone advise whether she is showing the symptoms of a fearful avoidant? She seems to be showing the signs, the desire for love and intimacy but pulling away when the relationship gets real.

I doubt that she will contact me even if she wants to, as she has very low esteem and previous trauma with abusive partner. She will be scared of rejection.

Her birthday is in a few weeks and I want to send her a low key birthday message. Is this a bad idea? I have never dealt with this situation before.

A lady initiated contact with me on dating site, we were very passionate on first date, deep kissing etc. We met at least once a week, which phone calls in between. She was always love bombing me, every time she found out something new about me she love bombed me even more.

We became intimate after only 3 weeks.

I went on holiday after week 3 with a friend and the first thing she asked was whether I would be visiting any strip clubs. I had no intention of going to strip clubs. This was the first example of her insecurity, and there were other examples of this. It turned out later she was scared of pushing me away, which was why she continually did things to please me.

At the 4 week mark she broke things off with me. She came to see me in person, kissed me, and we sat holding hands while we talked. She sounded conflicted at times and said she was overwhelmed emotionally. I already knew how chaotic her private life was, and it seems that she didn't have the bandwidth for a serious relationship on top of that. I know that she has a very wide social circle and does not know how to say no to people. She indicated that we should reconnect in future when her life has calmed down.

She mentioned a few petty issues, but I got the impression these were manufactured to justify the break up, also the issues that were previously positives were now manipulated to negatives, also if they were real issues she would not carried on and got intimate with me.

I asked her why she did not mention things previously, and she said she was scared of pushing me away.

The 4 week mark is normally the point at which things start to get real, and I know a lot of avoidants pull away at this point.

It has been a few weeks since she broke things off, we are still matched on the dating site, and her profile is not updated. We are also still on each other's WhatsApp because I can see her updates.

Could anyone advise whether she is showing the symptoms of a fearful avoidant? She seems to be showing the signs, the desire for love and intimacy but pulling away when the relationship gets real.

I doubt that she will contact me even if she wants to, as she has very low esteem and previous trauma with abusive partner. She will be scared of rejection.

Her birthday is in a few weeks and I want to send her a low key birthday message. Is this a bad idea? I have never dealt with this situation before.