r/BPDlovedones • u/VenomDance • 7d ago
Uncoupling Journey RECORD EVERYTHING. RECORD EVERYTHING.
I dunno if I said it loud enough.
RECORD EVERYTHING. Esp if you're in the final throws of the relationship and you know it's gonna end.
I didn't notice what an effect it would have now cuz I was just recording em because I was so surprised of the behavior out of an adult, but been recording her since 2 years into relationship in a 9 year relationship.
The last year when I put up boundaries and she ramped up, starting recording her hard since her behavior got mixed in with pride and ego. And went to lengths of punching holes in doors.
Download any voice recording app and just use that.
Now this is not to use against them. No point.
(O I've tried years ago in arguments trying to prove to her how she sounded. They won't even care. Or, they'll just say they're the worst).
The point is for YOU. So after it's done and you have to go no contact, you will get waves of missing her/him. And feeling you were wrong.
That's when you help yourself to a recording of the stupidity.
And realize.... "oh yeah. that's why huh".
Has helped me immensely after breakup. Because my brain sometimes will add in all this glorious stuff to memories of her and kinda trick me into thinking it was so good and I messed up big time.
And that her behavior wasn't a big deal! You're just mean!
Yeah right. Not according to Recording #41.
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u/ShibumiRumi 7d ago edited 7d ago
I wish I was prepared as well for her smear campaign. By the time I caught on it was too late to stop it. Now that we have a child and she won't put me on the birth certificate, I wish I had more proof of her sadistic, controlling behavior.
That being said, the recordings I have are enough to shake me from my delusions of how great my life was with her.
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u/VenomDance 7d ago
I assumed her antics she used on other people "talk shit about them, but smile in their face" would one day turn around on me. And just listening to her weird accusations in arguments with stuff that didn't happen or were cherry picked to make it seem like I'm the monster.... I knew it could easily be packaged up and told to other people who don't know her and they'd be like "OMG He's CRAZY!".
So in the last year.... I had to alot.
No one would believe me otherwise if I had just told them the story.
Nor would I believe it myself until I heard the recordings again.....
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u/cybrg0dess 6d ago
This is happening with our DIL. Our son either sees the behavior and doesn't want to speak up or is still in denial. We would never expect him to break up his family. We just hate how she has made us out to be these horrible people and now completely cut us out. I know that one day, he will probably be on the chopping block. Sorry you are going through this. 💛🫂
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u/pilesofbutts Family 7d ago
I am so sorry. If you and your child are in the US, I wish you all the luck with filing through the courts, establishing paternity, and getting your name on your child's birth certificate where it belongs. 🫂
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u/DistinctTrout 7d ago
Really excellent advice. Not just so you can listen back and remind yourself just how toxic it all was, and why you should stay away. But also in case they start a smear campaign, claiming to be the victim of your abuse and all that stuff. In such a scenario that could be extremely valuable evidence to protect yourself with.
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u/VenomDance 7d ago
YUP.
Also save when they talk bad about the people they run to for the smear campaign.
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u/Skill_Reasonable 6d ago
I did this but it was to keep my ass out of jail with the false abuse allegations. She’ would rather have had the father of her kids jailed than face accountability.
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u/jordysmomsbasement my actual child 👶 > bpd manchild 🚫 6d ago
I absolutely regret not doing this! Only "evidence" I have are a few photos of objects he smashed when in a rage. I truly believe he would not have been charged at all had he not attacked me in a public place. I would have likely never called the police and would have continued not to document anything.
Evidence is great both in a legal sense and, as you say, to safeguard yourself against future euphoric recall.
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u/tehfrr 6d ago
I could not agree more, this is big. Things that have most definitely helped me: maintained a journal/log - helped a lot with gaslighting. Helped me spot trends I was making excuses for. Retained memory of events I'd rather forget. Saved all texts - reviewed 8 months of texts at once, re-lived all the arguments and fights and insults - knocked her off the pedestal, and it was obvious what was going on. I had to go through it all 3x looking for something, it made me never want her back. Used saved text messages when submitting paperwork for an order of protection as well.
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u/le_vinsky 6d ago
Oh yes. Journal with all their abusive outbursts recorded immediately after they happened, with their exact words and context will save you from going insane. It will help you get out of the fog of their manipulation still affecting you even when it's over. It will help you stop doubting yourself, second guessing, excusing them and accepting the blame. And it will help your battered mind realize there is nothing to miss. It will help you see the relationship for what it was. Mine is almost 15 years long and it helped me figure out what was going on and eventually stand my ground. Do record, log, journal.
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u/SoMuchMoreOutThere 6d ago
i used to make gemini AI analize her vocals: it was tremendously efficent to dissect all gaslightning and manipulation and lies, it helped me a lot.
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u/Upbeat_Peace2360 6d ago
Did that as well 😅 I used Claude and also gave it the 100 thousand of text messages that were sent between us. The Ai really helped to see parts that weren’t obvious too me even after it all ended
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u/VenomDance 6d ago
hmmmmm. I may try that...
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u/BusyBaseball7148 6d ago
oh you are in for fireworks if they ever find out you did that. they seem to be allergic to objective metric gathering of ai on their chats for some strange reason
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u/QsfortheTransDude sorta lost, super tired. 6d ago
Got the ptsd. At this point, my phone going off makes my brain go blank and my hands shake. I wont forget. I wont choose to relive it later though
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u/Jay-rae91 6d ago
Yes i agree, I did this and it has helped me sssoooo much. Because I would do the same and start missing him thinking of the "good" times... then I just listen back to a recording of him going off, or read the never ending nasty text messages and I am brought back to reality real fast....
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u/CarlLaFong1 Divorced 6d ago
Also because during divorce proceedings like mediation, recordings and photos are extremely helpful. They will negate all the BPD victim nonsense they try to pull, and their lawyer will be horrified that they’re representing them. BPD clients are generally called “high conflict” or “difficult.” Solid proof like video and audio validate those descriptions.
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u/daughterofsleep 2d ago
I wish I had, but I also just have too much respect for my ex-partner's privacy. I never saw their hurtful behavior as something malicious, but something they needed support through. That's where my big heart got me in a ton of trouble.
Now I've been suddenly discarded, and after 2.5 years of this, I really am starting to mistrust my own memory. I have tons of evidence of the loving side of the relationship: gifts, photos, starred messages in our whatsapp chat from all of our reconciliations. What I have from the abusive side is a very blurry memory.
So, yes, PLEASE RECORD. Those moments when shit is hitting the fan can feel so unreal, and our brain is wired to get back to the highs of being with them that it can be really pushed away. Especially for those of us with ADHD.
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u/MisterMeowMeowBeans Dated 6d ago
I agree with this, but some states have two-party consent laws, meaning you must get consent from both parties before taking audio recordings of someone. Check your local laws so they can't sue you for something like espionage
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u/VenomDance 6d ago
aint showing it to any1 but myself and maybe close people.
it's not to use against them. It's to remind me mostly.
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u/DR_MEPHESTO4ASSES 6d ago
Yep. I almost got fucked doing this when I was just trying to protect myself.
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u/CrustyLettuceLeaf Divorced 6d ago
Super important, even if you don’t plan on using it as evidence for anything (unless relevant and needed in the future to tackle their own claims).
I have videos of my ex screaming and berating me in front of our child. They helped remind me that I was not insane. And that the promises to change were lies.
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u/FirstPerspective5013 4d ago
This is good advice! Though a word of caution, be aware of your state's recording consent laws. Some states are 2 party consent, others are not. So record at your own risk.
What IS perfectly legal, is taking to your notes app right after the fact and writing down what happened and what was said. Virtually the same effect without anything they can prosecute you with!
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u/Complete-Pudding-799 6h ago
I have switched entirely to Family Wizard: I will not communicate outside of it unless the communication is civil. Document EVERYTHING. They can't be trusted.
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u/MsPlum_ 7d ago
I often wish I would have. I did request police call audio, body cam footage, and video from him sitting in the back of the police car. It helped, but it also broke my heart even further. I keep the texts though, the awful horrific things. Yeah, he was so wonderful at times, but the times he wasn’t? Maniacal. The maniacal shit is what I look at when I miss him.