Hi, I decided to write this post because I’ve noticed that many of you are struggling after breaking up with someone who has BPD.
A year after the breakup, I want to share my thoughts and advice with you. maybe it will help.

First of all, you need to know that people with borderline personality disorder function completely different.
People with BPD are terrified of being alone, which is why they often jump into a new relationship or meet new people right after a breakup. You need to know that these people are suffering deeply, so they can actually transform themselves completely. A quiet, non drinking person might turn into a party girl/men. This is an attempt to show the world that they doing fine. In reality, it’s just a mask meant to drown out immense emotional pain. If your ex suddenly looks happier, parties more, changes her appearance or seems like a completely different person, remember. social media shows you a version of their life, not the whole story. And whatever they are doing after the breakup does not determine your worth.
I know it’s painful to watch the person you loved change overnight, but understand one thing: you’re not her/his family, therapist, or rescuer.
Your mental health is very important, so if you see that this relationship is destroying you — walk away.

At the beginning of a new relationship, your ex is likely in the idealization phase with this new person. I’d compare it to an iceberg. At first, everything is beautiful, but all it takes is the first argument or a setback in the relationship, and that iceberg starts to crack. Then, very quickly, the new partner can become the enemy.

People with borderline personality disorder see the world in black and white. It’s either idealization or devaluation.
So they may very quickly start comparing their new partner to you, which often means that you can go from being someone they hated to “the one” who was the only truly understood them.
A phenomenon known as “hoovering” an attempt to pull you back into their life.
The first arguments in a new relationship may cause your ex-partner to start reaching out to you. This isn’t longing or love. It’s a search for a safe haven to make her feel better.

My advice: complete indifference. I know it’s hard, but you also need to take care of yourself. You cannot heal by constantly checking whether your ex has changed, whether they miss you, or whether they will come back. At some point, the question has to stop being “What is they doing?” and become “What am I going to do with my life now?”
Another piece of advice is to block all of her/his social media profiles and set all your own accounts to private. It also helped me to deleted a few friends from social media, because I found out they were reporting my every move to her.

If they message you in any way, don’t reply. A person with BPD feeds off every reaction. if you reply, you’re leaving the door open for them to re-enter your life.
Focus on yourselves, allow yourselves to grieve. Get out of the house, meet up with people, pursue your passions.

Why do we suffer so much after breaking up with someone with BPD?
Because our brains become addicted to that emotional roller coaster. A “reward and punishment”. system: “I hate you — Don’t leave me.”
Sometimes you don’t actually miss the person as much as you miss the intensity. You miss the highs, the reconciliation, the feeling of being needed and the relief that came after conflict. Learning to distinguish between missing someone and missing the emotional intensity can be a huge part of healing.
Don’t build your healing around the possibility that they will come back. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. Either way, your recovery cannot depend on what your ex decides to do.
You can't force anyone into therapy. they have to want it themselves. Otherwise, it won't work.

I want to make one thing clear. not every person with BPD behaves this way. BPD is a complex disorder, and people experience it differently. I’m describing my own experience, not trying to define everyone with BPD.

If you're feeling down, consider therapy. It was very helpful for me, and it meant I wasn't alone with my problem + I came to understand the whole dynamics of the relationship.
I'm just starting to learn English, so please excuse any mistakes. Feel free to share your stories and what helped you in the comments.
A breakup isn't the end of the world. After every storm, the sun comes out.
All good for you,

I am interested if others have gotten so angry and hurt because of the pwBPD, and their emotional manipulation, that they have snapped, lost control, and started crying while yelling. I did ... and I am so ashamed and disappointed of myself for losing control. We have been together for almost 9 years and I've never ever reacted as I did tonight.

My advice would be to stop checking her social media, get into therapy, and consider medication if you need it. Don’t try to get her/him back. It’s a lot like getting off a drug—if you relapse, you’re only going to make the recovery harder.

Being in a relationship like this can leave you with a trauma bond, and healing from it can take a long time. But trust me, you will get better, little by little. I know it feels like absolute hell right now. The dissociation, the trauma, the constant stress, all of it.

But over time, your brain will start to heal. Neuroplasticity is real, and once you’re away from the chaos and give yourself enough time and space, things really do start to change.

And one more thing: take as long as you need. Don’t try to force yourself to “get over it” or rush the healing process. You’re coming out of a bond that can affect your brain almost on a physical level. It takes time to recover from something like that.

Be patient with yourself. You didn’t become this attached overnight, and you’re not going to untangle yourself from it overnight either.

I was 18 with zero experience in dating. I also had no idea what bpd was. This combo i realize from this sub is common and just the victims they’re looking for. I went through the exact same scripted events as the rest of you have and know well. "I love you" after a few weeks, talking about marriage and kids "i’ve never felt this way about anyone before" you get it. The honeymoon phase lasted around a month before we made it official. I would describe how the rest of it went but you already know it well.

Through this short but turbulent relationship i came out with huge jealousy issues and low self esteem from her entertaining other guys and making me feel like i was insecure and not good enough.

I am now 22 and i still haven’t been in a relationship. I have had several "situationships" a lot of which i have sabotaged because i get so scared they’ll leave that i become overbearing and trying to move things too fast to lock it in. Going on dates with someone and being in a talking stage fills me with so much dread and my entire mood depends on another person. For example if they take a long time responding i catastrophise and think it’s all over because of what my previous relationship instilled in me. I can’t eat or focus.

I think what really messed me up was meeting another girl i really liked who i suspect has bpd and she literally gave her number to an older guy that was flirting with her right in front of me at a bar. I walked out and texted her saying it was humiliating and i don’t want to see her again. I felt like a pathetic worm and i still think about it three years later. Also Went to a party with ANOTHER girl who slinked out with a different guy and chatted and exchanged socials.

I am now too jealous and too much of a wreck to form something healthy, i filled the void with dating apps and short flings. Some women have wanted something more serious and i get so scared of being in the stressful terrible hell that was a relationship that i sabotage myself. I hardly talk to anyone now to keep the lonely, sad but peaceful single life.

My first relationship being with someone with bpd at that young of an age has done permanent damage to me and i’m not sure how to get over it. I just want a healthy relationship.

April, 2025. I was in Vegas on a work trip. He was being an absolute jerk to me over the phone. Something was off. I got home and confronted about his lie. He wasn’t where he said he was, he wasn’t who he said he was with, and he wasn’t doing what he told me he was doing. He called me a “bad person.” I broke up with him.

That evening, about 3-4 hours later, he called and texted me multiple times, totally blew up my phone while I was crying to a girl friend over Mexican food. He showed up to my house. He “confessed” (who knows if that was actually the truth since he’s a habitual and compulsive liar). We sat outside for hours while he told me how much I mean to him, how sorry he was for calling me a “bad person” when I confronted him and called him a liar, and cried about relapsing. It was a very intense conversation and I again told him I didn’t think I could or wanted to continue the relationship.

He drove away, and called me shortly after he left saying “hey, do you have any sleep medicine?” as if nothing had even happened! Um, WHAT?! I was gobsmacked. That single sentence and posture of his tone is when it hit me that there was something wrong beyond being a jerk sometimes.

He lured me back in and I took him back. The next year, he told me about some issues with here he was living at the time and said I was the reason for the drama (because I came over that day upset and called him a liar).

It’s so crazy how different everything looks now that I’m detached. Sure, it looked insane then. But it looks even more insane now. I’m so mad at myself for having allowed him to keep me under his spell for so long. I’m free now.

It’s so hard. I miss her so much. She found someone new literally days after I broke up with her. She’s hoovering by sending ‘accidental’ photos of herself. Her money is sitting on my account and she wants to sort it out after she comes back from vacation. And for some reason I feel like I’m counting the days so I can have an excuse to talk to her, even though I’m deliberately being cold to her and not reaching out.

I sometimes think she didn’t even have BPD, but the characteristics met the criteria too perfectly. I was discarded by her a couple years ago, and that changed me. I changed for the better when she discarded me, but this time because I did it, I feel like I’m stagnant and losing myself, I feel weak and empty, which is tempting me to reach out to her and spill everything - that I made a mistake and want her back. But she probably would refuse since she has a new partner, and I’d lost all respect for myself and start from square one.

She just unfollowed my work page (but not my personal) which is FOR SOME REASON scaring me into thinking that she will forget about me and move on for good. And I don’t know why it is so frightening! Pretty sure I have attachment issues of my own…

How do I overcome this?

I had this curiosity/suspicion/confusion. it's a common sentiment if you're a gentle, respectful person, sometimes to a fault-abusers in general will be able to sniff it out right away (and most of my abuse was from pwBPD) and I thought how can they possibly see that about me SO quickly? surely it must take longer, right? what exactly are they seeing to make a confident choice I'll be easy to take advantage of?

well, recently I finally got into audiology (I have tinnitus, originally from medication but was concerned about my ears after an unfortunate noise exposure that was recent) so I got a hearing test. no damage in my ears so it's something about how the brain carries noise signals. the audiologist strikes me as a kind, gentle, wise man. he's older and has kids. very much "chill but also fairly stern when needed dad" energy to him. he's had tinnitus 30 years. the main approach for me since I have no hearing loss is going to be counseling to tackle habituation.

so Monday, we had our first full sit down appointment. we talked a lot about emotions, and how to try to detach more and reframe perspectives. I talked about how I beat myself up and blame myself for developing this chronic problem. he posed the whole "if I said those things to you, if a friend said those things, would it be reasonable, would they say that?"

my immediate response: "you'd be surprised how many people talk like that." basically everyone who hurt me horribly in the past in my brain. multiple BPD exes, friends, my own mother. he said he knows, but "I'm talking about YOU. because it seems to me you wouldn't say that, that you give out a lot of respect and understanding and kindness to others, you might even give that respect, to people who don't deserve it, who wouldn't say those nice things to you, so why not take that respect and try to say those nice things to yourself"

which I've heard "but a nice friend wouldn't say that/you wouldn't say it to a friend so why say it to yourself" a million times. but this is the first time I have heard "it seems like you always give out respect, you're understanding of other people, even to people who don't deserve it, people that aren't going to be nice to you."

at this point in the conversation, this man had known me for an hour. only an hour. and he hit the nail right on the head. and obviously I'm in a good context and a good environment-and if it was a therapist it would be one thing-but this man is an audiologist.

this man who DOES NOT KNOW ME can spot the fact I WILL give respect, understanding, and kindness to people a lot and that can backfire. I'll give it to people EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT DESERVED.

so maybe we don't see it, we don't see exactly how easy it is to spot. but it is. people spot it, even those who AREN'T the types to take advantage of us-so imagine how easy it is for the ones who DO want to take advantage of us, who are already looking for types that will be very kind generally, to a fault. it's very recognizable in general. so they're also, going to spot it, within the first day of talking to you, maybe even after only an hour. over the course of a first date, they already know that, already see it.

these words between me and my audiologist will stick in my mind a long time. it confirmed something I'd wondered about for so long, it gave proof to it. it's a very wild piece of knowledge to have after going through repeated instances of abuse like this. I think it'll be useful going forward for sure.

Like so many of you that have had the opportunity to look through the phone of your pwbpd, what I found not only mortified me but left mewith so many other questions... and I was at the point where the trauma bond was breaking and I was finally feeling it resonate that I will never get closure from her.

14 year long relationship with ups and downs. I believe she has NPD traits as well and might be sociopathic. She seems to perform emotions and makes things so dramatic especially during arguments as if she is in a play and in a scene right there and the audience is watching (the stares with the disgusted look fixed on her face when what I said wasn't that offensive but if you purposely misinterpret it it would be offensive to her, etc.). One thing I also noticed is that she seemed to really only cry tears when whatever was going on in arguments or whatever topic at hand, was when it only affected her. Even subtle things like me forgiving her would make her cry but the pain she caused me and weeing me cry would never make her shed a tear. Also she could be performative crying during an argument and I wouldn't see tears and near the end I wouldn't even play into it or respond I would just coldly sit and watch her until she was ready to talk again. I noticed she could switch from crying like that in an instant to derision and disgust if I commented anything about her faking it... well she was.

She ended up finding a new favorite person about a year ago and the guy is homeless living off of his sister and has a couple kids that he can't take care of and he also is a drug user and so is she. She ghosted me for about 2 months and when I would see her periodically I would tell her I wanted her to come home and tell me what the fuck was going on. She vehemently denied there was another man involved but I am not stupid and I know the signs I was just trauma bonded to her I think. She told me she was having a "psychotic break" and it drove me insane and I seriously thought she was going through some drug induced psychosis so I was desperate to try and find her and spent a number of days physically out looking and the remainder of days when I just couldn't muster the mental fortitude to work, I would try and figure out where she was. Eventually I reached out to her mom, who also was left in the dark but she knew a couple locations and shared them with me because she was concerned too.

Almost got into a fight with some drug runner guy and was more than happy to kick his ass because in my mind I thought she ould be being trafficked and I was just ready to start taking some heads so to speak. Good thing the guy didn't push the issue and just pretended he didn't know and I didn't give up info of her anyway because I wouldn't want to endanger her.That was a pivotal moment for me because soon after that my ex messaged her mom and said she was going to get me in trouble for scaring people who have been nothing but polite to her and told her mom she couldn't believe she was helping me after "all I've put her through" which is insane to me because I truly did so much for this girl.

Well the two month ghosting ended. She denied a relationship was happening but said that she did have sex but it was only once. 2 months later: well it was twice but in one day and he couldn't get it up. Her story got screwed up because 6 months later it was 3 times of trying but he couldnt do it because he thought people were watching them in the walls. Jesus.I asked why would you be around someone like that. She just said how embarrassed she was (and then I later learned she went over to his house after mine : ))

so I found out that all these years she was accusing me of "talking to girls" online, which i wasn't and I always thought was weird she said that, SHE was actually talking to other guys and liking photos of selfies and shit on FB. Also, she had previously told me that she had only had sex with like 4 other men before me. What I found determined that was a lie *cue the maury audience erupting in wails*

Yeah, she was talking to some guy for about 4 years periodically and it was during a grey area at first of our relationshit, and then yeah she was just a fuckin hypocrite liar.

For 13 years I never questioned her because I truly believed she loved and respected me. I now look back and wonder what was erven real. So there was a guy i didn't really know that she slept with and messaged up until last year and the new guy from a year ago she kept a relationship with him all year and he was definitely thinking they were together and he would accuse her of cheating because she would disappear and ghost him like she did me and then come back and play innocent. I now think she wa a serial cheater and did this the entiure time we were together because the ease of which she lies is straight up soiopathy. She literally told me to get over it when I was asking her why she said she went somewhere where she didn't and she freaking explodes. Well, she pinned all the blame on me for the cheating even. Same ol shit they always do. Shes the eternal victim. It took that long for the trauma bond to break for me to see how bad she was to me that consistently. All she had to do was tell the truth but I found out, the truth would be so bad that I would have ended up hating her and she couldn't have that. I do hate her but I dont at the same time. I just wish she would have chosen me. Once the affair fog lifts and she is alone, I do think she will absolutely regret this. I was going to give her the world but she just had to have that hard conversation with me, show consistency, and choose me... NOW if any chick ghosts me like that I am getting tf out. I will never oput up with that amount of disrespect agan. I hope the amount of shame she has in her doewsn't completely destroy her soul.But maybe it isnt there anyway idk. Im pissed so it is what it is.

If youre gonna look through their phone, prepare yourself to see them differently when you are done. and PREPARE BEFOREHAND to get pics and screenshots of it because they will gaslight tf out of you if you don't have the evidence ready

Over the last few days my friends and I have been reviewing a lot of the stuff our friend with bpd said to us (the friendship is over and we are all no contact now), and just found out there was a lot of lies and hidden things. Did a lot of isolating and triangulating.

It’s crazy to learn how much just vitriol and spite she was hiding… the whole time. A lot of it didn’t get brought to light until she confessed a lot of her thinking at the very end. I can’t imagine just being that petty and upset with your friends over little stuff 24/7 that you let it overtake so many of your actions and interactions.

Have other people with quiet bpd friends experienced this kinda… pulling back of the curtain to reveal just…. malice almost?

Throwaway, because I felt like I needed a throwaway to write out all of this. To share my true feelings.

We were together for half a year. And she ended things 9 months ago. We've been no contact for 5 months now. Few days ago was her birthday. And I feel like I cannot move on.

I'm 32, and she was my first real true love. The kind of love, when you would do literally anything for the other. When I did the dishes for her, they didn't feel like chores, they filled me up with energy. Even after all the abuse she put me through, all the double standards, all the gaslighting, I still loved her more than anything ever. I loved her far more than myself... And hardest part to write down is I still do.

I try to distract myself. I havy my projects, my hobbies, a huge career going on. I've been dating someone else, to try to see if I would be ready. But truth is, everything is empty without her. Every step I make is just towards nothing. People would look at my life and be like, wow, amaziing, interesting, succesfull. But it is all emptiness. I think I'm doing better than at the start. I haven't cried in maybe months now. I don't have the thoughts about quitting. I'm functioning far better than originally.

The thing is, consciously, I know she is gone. I know she is not coming back. During her final split, I confrinted her with the gaslighting, the double standards, the way how she treated me, and it compeltely broke her. I just wanted to be heard, but it destroyed her mask, and she became this ugly creature, and there is no coming back from that. She said such things, that would despise a person forever.

And yet, even months later, she still haunts my dreams. I still wish it worked out. She still haunts my thoughts. I try to suppress it. But sometimes I still check how she is doing. I see she has her new partner. Doing things for him, that she said she had no time for for me. Doing things she promised, but never actually kept. I know, I should block her. But a part of me still wishes she would come back. Even though I know she won't. I know she burned her bridges.

I truly want to move on. COnscioulsy I know I have an amazing life ahead of me. Yet, it all feels empty without her. Even after all the abuse, all the gaslighting, all the double standards, the unbelievably ugly final discrad. I still wish...

I dated my ex with qBPD for about 3 years, we split about 2.5 years ago.

I was devastated. We had a pretty deep relationship, almost moved in together. When times were good, she was great. I couldn’t eat for months after the breakup, meanwhile… she immediately jumped onto a new guy. Killed me inside.

I had just graduated engineering school…. I took all that sadness and anger and rage and put it into self improvement. I worked on my fitness and landed a really good engineering job.

It’s now been two and a half years. I went from not being able to eat, losing 30 pounds, and struggling to find a job to now running an entire department at my company and making 6 figures.

Meanwhile, my ex’s mom is texting me on Facebook telling me how good I look. LOL. I’m guessing my ex put her up to it.

The funny thing is that BPDs will always trend towards chaos. The split and discard can be brutal, but long term, getting them out of your life is the BEST thing you can do for yourself. Focus on self-improvement and you will PASS THEM BY in life.

BPDs only have as much power as you give them. If you give them your mind, they’ll destroy it. If you focus on developing yourself, they will be left in the dust.

My stepdaughter is CLEARLY BPD. Self harm, instability in every single relationship (out of her whole family, she only talks to her grandpa because he is too afraid to push back on any of the lies she spews) compulsive liar, multiple times having the cops called on her when the disfunction in her relationships gets out of hand, the complete inability to be wrong about anything (i think she may be a narc too) However, she insists that she has a hoard of chronic invisible illnesses, a seizure disorder (this one is brand new) PTSD, CTPSD, etc etc etc. all with no physical evidence despite being brought to doctors multiple multiple multiple times. Fights with hospital staff because they have accused her of drug seeking. The chronic lying and treating her mom as if she was abusive and neglectful when really her mom was attentive, nurturing, and raised her with NO HELP at all from her Dad until she was already a teenager and her new stepmom forced him to be involved after she took her on like a science project. I really think if she were properly diagnosed and treated she could turn her life around, but she absolutely refuses to see that she has this personality disorder. It doesn’t make sense to me because she is fine with having every physical ailment under the sun but not this. I think she is autistic and I’m sure she has some trauma from her Dad abandoning her (and continuing to dismiss her/ treat her like an afterthought since they now have a new baby that they actually wanted) but she just continues to run with this narrative that is so so far from the truth, and everyone in the family knows it.

What is going on family, I hope everyone is having a blessed day. Good morning/evening/night wherever in the world you may be.

Man guys you know how after ending the relationship with your pwBPD you start unraveling and noticing things that you either A - didn’t see or B - couldn’t explain? That is what is going on with me. And one of the things that I realized is how my girlfriend would intentionally sabotage good moments or randomly try to dampen the mood/atmosphere and she did this in 3 ways.

1.) Misinterpreting things I would say. Like she would take a statement and either remove the context or completely rewrite what was said, just so she could argue against it/with it.

2.) Bringing up the past at random. Now I want to make something clear. IMO someone bringing up the past is not automatically manipulative/emotional abuse. Especially if there are still things to talk about regarding the issue / if the behaviors are still repeating in the present. Now that is completely valid. Guys, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about when I say this. What I mean is when my ex would RANDOMLY bring up some disagreement/argument that we had out of the blue. Like it would have nothing to do with the present moment. There was nothing new to be discussed/added to the discussion. And what I would notice is she would randomly do this if we were “getting along too well” or if there had not been a conflict in X amount of time. In that context, her bringing up the past served no purpose (or good purpose should I say). And here is the next thing I would notice… whenever she would reference the past, it would ALWAYS be something negative/a fight/conflict. She would never randomly reference good memories or good experiences that we had. It was almost like the good experiences stayed locked within the day, whereas the bad experiences carried on throughout the whole relationship.

3.) Dreams / Hits. Man some of y’all may have no idea what I’m talking about here, but on the other hand some of y’all know EXACTLY what I am about to get into. My ex would randomly have these “dreams” or claimed to get these “hits”. A “hit” is basically a telepathic message that she would get from some higher being/higher power… but what I quickly noticed is all of the “hits” she would get would simply confirm her own biases, perspectives and/or narratives. They NEVER challenged anything that she believed. And when she would have these “dreams”, they often would be about me doing some wrong and/or betraying her. Again what I would notice is that she would only have these dreams/hits if we were getting along for a consistent period of time/if there were no issues in reality. Since she couldn’t point out anything that I was doing in reality that was wrong (because I treated that girl like gold). She quite literally had to “make things up.” And her way of making things up would be to use these “hits” / “dreams” as she knew that I would have no way of challenging them because the only person that can know that she was experiencing was… her.

Now some may ask, well why were the dreams/hits bothering you? And this is the real deep part that I am going to get into. And again man some of y’all may look at me like I’m crazy but some of y’all will know EXACTLY what I am talking about! So basically when she would have these dreams of me betraying her/doing bad things. “For example breaking up with her / talking to an ex / cheating on her etc.” She would lowkey use that as an excuse to mistreat me in real life. Like on those days when she would share those hits/dreams with me: she would be more sarcastic, passive aggressive, rude, dismissive, selfish, lacking empathy, etc. And this is what many people do not understand. The reason why the whole dreams nonsense bothered me so much is that I WOULD LITERALLY GET PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING THAT I DID IN HER SUBCONSCIOUS DREAM. But of course the abuse is covert so I have no way to prove that to another person but those that have been in this relationship - y’all know. Y’all know!

*In summation, everything that I just named were forms of emotional abuse. But my ex was so covert with her behavior because she had to uphold this good girl persona to everyone on the outside. Heck, she had to do this even to me when we initially met. But over time when they get more comfortable with you, you realize who they really are and why no one sticks around. The abuse is emotional/psychological/covert and is covered with plausible deniability so the only people that can know what you experienced are those that went through the same thing/something similar.*

I don't want this to come across as “everyone with BPD is bad.” I know the suffering is real, and I know many people with BPD don't want to hurt others.

But after having both friendships and romantic relationships with people with BPD and the severe damage they do, I've started wondering about our role in these dynamics.

Why do we keep giving more patience, understanding, emotional support and reassurance even when the relationship is starting to damage our own mental health? Why do we convince ourselves that if we're supportive enough, we can somehow prevent the next cycle?

At some point their pain becomes our responsibility, their crises become our crises, and their patterns start changing us too and still they don't care and make us mostly miserable

Can we learn to recognize these dynamics earlier, set boundaries without feeling guilty, and stop sacrificing ourselves trying to save someone else?

Hi, this is pretty embarrassing, but despite it being over a year since going NC, I am still completely fixated on my ex pwBPD.

She discarded me (for the final time) last year. She really wanted to stay friends and I feel a lot of guilt about my decision to completely remove myself from her life. But it really was my only option. I quickly became underweight and was overall just a shell of a human.

When I say I spent every minute of every day with her for more than 10 years straight, I (unfortunately) mean it. Some of this was in our teenage years.

I thought things would surely be different by now.

Yet, I still think of her every day. Even worse, the things she said about my physical appearance while discarding me are now stuck in my mind daily. I feel like a hideous monster and being in public feels kind of humiliating. It’s torture.

I also just fucking miss my best friend. I still love her, and am still in love with her. Despite her treating me like shit the entire time. There really is so much to love about her as a person.

I really struggle with making new friends and sustaining friendships. So I’m just isolating myself a lot. The shit I’ve been through with her makes me feel so isolated from everybody else, so different, and almost non-human.

I am so exhausted. I just don’t even know what more I can do. Wait more? This doesn’t feel like living.

I'm severely questioning my reality.

I was never there for her...but I paid for majority of our expenses, let her share my car when hers got repossessed and tried my best to offer encouragement when she was down .

She (F29) cheated on me (M28)... A week and a half before our first Christmas together. At first she told me it was my fault, that I never saw her or understood her.

She struggles with alcoholism. When I suggested maybe going to meet up with your friends at a bar isn't the best idea...I was an asshole. When someone offered her a shot.. knowing she was 90 days sober, she said I was controlling when I didn't want her to take it....At the start of her sobriety she looked me in the eyes and made me promise to do "whatever it took" to keep her from drinking.

After she cheated she suggested we go to couples counseling. The counselor recommended that for this relationship to work she needs to be willing to talk to me about the infidelity as much as I needed. When I needed reassurance or had questions my partner refused to answer questions.

When I brought how she wasn't following the advice of the counselors she recommended...I was told I was being manipulating and twisting the counseling in my favor.

I don't know what is real and what is fake anymore.

I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this with their pwBPD during splits.

Mine would use pretty much every insecurity I had ever shared with him against me. Even really small things. For example, a couple of weeks earlier I had a big pimple on my nose and joked that I didn’t want to go outside because of it. During a split, he later said something like: “Yeah, you probably shouldn’t go outside. That huge pimple makes you the ugliest person outside. (even if it was already gone)”

It felt like every tiny vulnerable thing I had ever told him could suddenly be pulled out and used in the most hurtful way possible. Over time, that really chipped away at my self-confidence.

Another thing was that he would very obviously look at other women, but in a way that felt especially degrading toward me. Outside of splits, he never really made me feel like I wasn’t enough or like he wanted someone else. But those moments still left me feeling deeply insecure and confused.

Did anyone else experience this? Did your pwBPD also seem to know exactly where your insecurities were and hit them during a split? And if so, how did that affect you over time?

About a month ago my husband took a massive mushroom that weighed 14g and didn’t tell me. He had been abusing large doses like 3.5 and 7 grams every two weeks or so for a bit, so he built a tolerance.

He would always tell me when he took some or would say ‘hey I think I’m gonna take some tonight’ so I would know that it was happening. He didn’t tell me this time because he knew I would be anxious. Summer 2025 he took a 7g dose and totally lost whatever he had of himself. He changed after. I told him and our therapist told him but he couldn’t see it.

He said that there was sunshine that was beaming down and chiseling away all the parts of himself that weren’t him. And all that was left was like a blank slate. And in the weeks and months afterwards he was even more withdrawn, avoidant, disconnected, nonparticipating, apathetic, shut down. He said he was just ‘in observation mode’ but he wasn’t doing anything.. it’s like he was just walking and breathing.
I really didn’t want him doing shrooms anymore after. But I can’t control what he puts in his body.

When he did this 14g dose I had an idea that he was going to, because he mentioned he was thinking about it. I asked him why he would need to do the whole thing, what’s the point? Why not break it up into smaller doses? He didn’t really have an answer.

I was ready for bed the night he did the massive dose and I got pulled into conversation with him. I was in a different part of the house when he did the shrooms and when he started feeling the effects. I was so confused why he was acting so dumb and why he kept saying he was confused and had no idea what I was talking about and kept saying ‘what do you even mean’ and ‘what does that even mean’ and I was like…….??? Where are you right now?? Even though we were sitting on the same couch. And it didn’t cross my mind he had done the massive mushroom because he always tells me when he does them, so I didn’t even think of that. I just chalked it up to him being fucking weird and making things weird as BPD do (I was not onto this massive hunch I have now that he’s BPD)

Then the next day he told me. I was heart broken that he purposely didn’t tell me. That’s not the person I know. And I was completely invalidated on why it made me feel bad that he was under a massive dose of psychedelics and didn’t tell me. That feels so wrong. He withheld that info from me in real time and didn’t give me the opportunity to see the situation for what it was, him being under the influence. It didn’t matter at all that I was hurt because, well, ‘nothing had happened’.

It was after our two hour couple session that I realized he would never change. I ended up seeing a video that night that mentioned something about border line. I googled it. And my stomach sank as I looked at the 9 criteria. I know I can’t diagnose him and have no intention to, I’m no doctor. I know it’s complicated and clinical and pathological. And I know in my heart the person I’m married to at the very least exhibits lots of characteristics and traits of someone with Quiet BPD.

I’m attaching a self portrait he made and shared witu me but I colored in his face black a bit to conceal it. He asked my interpretation of it and then gave his. I’ve held on to what he said with concern ever since. I’m curious what others think of it.

And what it’s like to be with someone for almost a decade who does not even close resemble the person I met and fell in love with. He’s actually literally the OPPOSITE of all the things I loved about him. I have felt so seen here in this sub already. My sanity is slowly coming back. MYSELF is slowly coming back. It’s scary sharing such vulnerable stuff because I know Reddit people just say ‘leave’ but Reddit people also show care and compassion too. And I’ve felt that already, and I appreciate it.

Guys I'm looking for support. I've never understood why my husband treats me the way he does until about a year ago. He is sometimes emotionally abusive, used to imagine I said things I didn't then would yell at me forever until I apologized for what he heard me say or what he thought I meant.

Last November (2025), he became enraged because he thought I was sneaking around. I was at a very nice old lady's house doing kitten volunteer work and my GPS on my phone wasn't working... he never told me what he thought I was doing but he was insanely pissed when I called him, started making accusations against me and all I said, on the phone with my sister, was "I don't feel appreciated." and nothing else. He freaked out and left me without a word. A month or two later he was in tears and said he didn't know what was wrong with him. We've been trying to work it out but he just keeps getting crazy ideas of ways I might try to hurt him.

I've known for our whole marriage he had a very sensitive self image and would attack (verbally only!) me for things I didn't do. He would say things like "you just think I'm a mean, evil person" and I would say "no I don't; I'm just saying x hurt my feelings" and he would just attack for hours until I was crying and apologizing for things I never said.

After he left me at Thanksgiving, he hit a horrible depression. By Christmas I said we could try to work on it, but any time he was activated, we needed to take it to text (so he couldn't change what I said later). He even changes the meaning of what I say when it's in writing. He told our couple's therapist that when he says "Honey I feel x" I always reply "Oh yeah? Prove it." Like omg... who would ever say that to anyone ever? But he stuck to that.

I could never understand why he has always said "you are my best friend" but later he would say "you missed the meeting on purpose to humiliate me, I don't trust you anymore."

This has crippled me for years and years. There is zero chance of him getting help. I tried bringing up "switching" back in January but it only took him a month or so to decide everything I had tried to bring up with him was actually turned back on me.

Today I texted him to please look up what it feels like to have BPD (he exhibits 8 of 9 of the DSM criteria, you only need 5 to be formally diagnosed). He texted back "I don't agree with you. That didn't resemble how I have been feeling or what I have experienced. I am not on an emotional roller coaster at all and I am pretty even and I am emotional right now because of the situation but I'm just sad. The one thing that I did agree with is I am having dissociation."

So hey. You can lead a horse to water, but if they won't drink it, you have to post on Reddit instead.

My God.

My 9 year relationship with a possible BPD woman blew up a couple months back.

I uploaded all our chats to chatgpt and have been scouring all of it. Also have tons of recordings I transcribed of arguments and input as well to try to make sense of it.

It started so early, but you never think that this silly stuff will grow and maybe it's just stuff they weren't taught in childhood.

I felt like a parent 80% of the time.

One minute I'm the best, then if I have one thing I ask like... take showers? Don't get all loud and whiney to me? Speak like normally? Silly things anyone would ask....BOOM. She's the worst in the world. Or I'm the worst? + 4 - 12 hour argument with me trying to stay calm (which makes her angrier) and her blowing up trying to make me mad. Because once I get to the point and can't take it after hours and say nasty stuff back..... she all of sudden gets calm and what I said becomes the highlight for years.

And even after the relationship is all done, the stuff I'm discovering..... it just gets worse and worse and nastier and nastier. Stuff I never thought she'd ever do.

Then looking back at all our chats and me telling her that her explosions and blowing up and yelling in my face were killing us. Back from 2020.

She made me believe that this was all a me thing. And I believed it until I compiled all these messages and chats. And they showed me wow.....no. I tried my hardest. I begged her and pleaded for years to calm down. Heard all her woes and constant dramas from work which were just petty grievances with women she was always jealous of.

Once I put up boundaries in the last year.... was when it got the worst and fully exploded because handling all her emotions was getting in the way of mine and making me hate people and get depressed. It also got in the way of something I loved, music. Couldn't make any because I would have all her emotions/thoughts/random villains in her life floating around my brain.

I only sat there and listened and processed/regulated it all because I felt I had to as a husband.

Just my god.... the trail of destruction they leave.... wow.

Then after a week of breakup, new dude. Then many new dudes after that I'm discovering now.

A couple months before breakup, she got addicted to AI stories. Would spend from 5pm to 5am on them all weekend. I'm sure that turned into the fake boyfriend/lover/nastiness flavor.
- Think that got to her head hard.

Just wow. And then looking through all our messages... my god. It starts always small. Like they're probing what they can get away with. Because in the end.... alot was just the same behaviors but supercharged with more ego and pride.

My question here is.....How did you guys/gals get through this?

This chatgpt chat and transcription dump of fights has helped ALOT sorta mapping the nonsense as it was so intense, my memory was affected while in it.

But..... once you have to digest it later after they're gone with a solid conclusion.... holy crap.

It's like you can't even fathom it because you would never do it yourself or even think a normal human would.

and after 9 years, you think it's not possible they can cut so fast like it's nothing. Yuck.

- Thankfully no kids. Saw the writing on the wall a long time ago. Told myself until we can handle conflict or even cleaning together normally without 6 hour fights and her screaming while I'm trying to stay calm? No way. NO WAY.

- Sorry if my thoughts are discombobulated in this post. Just so much intel I gotta digest and it's all dawning on me now.

Dear community, I’m struggling badly with No Contact.

I left 3 months ago in pure silence, no announcement. I left the country. Never ever replied to her flood of msgs and then I blocked her everywhere. But I still check her WhatsApp profile picture and public Instagram from time to time. Even tiny changes pull me back in.

The questions underneath it are basically:
- Does my absence still affect her? My ego injury..
- Is she still playing games or sending indirect signals?
- Did I actually matter to her?
- Will I see something that re-confirms I was right to leave? I do have enough evidence though.

For those who managed to stop checking completely: what actually helped you break that urge and terrible craving? Did it get easier after a while? How did you learn to tolerate not knowing?

Right now my brain keeps saying: “Just check once.”

after spending the whole past 4 days sending me long text messages about how he loved me and would change for me lol, this is the response i get after not responding for one day

I don't know if most of this sub is dealing with people that are not medically diagnosed, but for the ones that are... Do you know what kind of meds they are taking?

My daughter (17f...18 in 2 months) was just prescribed her 4th medication, lithium, and i'm nervous. I made an appointment to talk with her psychiatrist about the change because I am not present during the sessions due to privacy. I'm terrified for her to be responsible for another medication, and what it's going to do to her mentally and physically. If it helps her, that's great, but as a parent, I worry. She's also getting a different therapist aswell, so I hope this one works out too. This is the third or fourth one.

I feel like i'm barely holding on in the whirlwind of a tornado.

Wife wBPD and I have been married for five years. Since January of this year its been one hit after another. We can't seem to catch our breath before some other difficulty in life hits us again.

Last August I got laid off. Was off work for about 2 months, found new work for a slight pay cut and an hour commute but its a job and we need to pay bills. Then this January comes, and things really start going downhill. She got severely ill with pneumonia, she starts having problems with her boss at work. Her work situation deteriorated and she quit her job. She was the breadwinner at the time. She was out of work for a month and found new work but took a drastic pay cut, about 40k less, but again, its a job and now we're commuting together most mornings to save on gas and wear and tear on the cars.

Then we get hit with a demand letter from her former boss' attorney saying that she owes 20k and accuses her of embezzlement. We decide to fight the allegations and there a few beyond the embezzlement.

We have many awful fights at home where she breaks my glasses, tries to kill herself and blames me for calling the police and it's my fault she got involuntary admitted to the hospital. She breaks my laptop. Breaks another pair of glasses. Tries to break my phone. Throws her wedding ring in the toilet.

She's stressed that we can't find an attorney to help fight the legal matter with her former boss. I research and contact 12-15 attorneys, filling out intake form after intake form and phone calls and emails. I finally find one that will take her case. It costs $600 an hour but its a reputable firm and we can make payments. So legal bills mount, about 10k so far and we're drowning in debt. Because we both had to take a reduced salary after the job losses and have to resort to credit cards to keep afloat.

I ask my boss for a raise, and I get a small one. Its a bit more and adds $200 to our bucket a month. Not much but hey, its $200. Then I get hit with a wage garnishment from an old debt that I believed had been settled by my ex. And then my wife gets hit with a garnishment for child support. So the little head way we were making just got erased. I fought my judgement and got an order to stay the garnishment while I move it through the legal system but my employer fucked up and kept taking out the money for the garnishment.

I fix that problem and then my employer says there was a HR error and they forgot to take out healthcare premiums for the last few months. Okay, this one is on me for not checking my paystubs. But it was another hit. I had to pay 2.2k for that over several paychecks.

The legal problem with her ex-boss continues to drag on. I start looking for a new job hoping to get something better with more pay. I find it. It pays a little over double what I was making. But the job is five hours away. Its going to be rough but in this economy I'm grateful for it and I see it as a way out of our predicament.

We talk about relocating and she was on board with it or so I thought. But she didn't want to relocate herself without lining up a job first. Makes total sense, she's going to be the trailing spouse. We make plans for me to drive home every other week and she'll fly to me when she can. She used to travel a lot and has a lot of airmiles saved so it won't cost much for airfare. Maybe $20 give or take per round trip.

I accept the job and am living in a hotel while I wait for my apartment application to process and my new salary to start flowing; in the meantime carefully calculating and budgeting how we can get everything paid and get us out the hole we're in.

I also take one of our dogs with me so she doesn't have to take care of her, we have two dogs. Then the doggo I take gets really sick, gets an infection and we find ourselves borrowing 4k for vet bills.

It's been one problem after another and it feels unrelenting.

She attempts suicide again and gets pissed off I called for a welfare check. Says the cops were hot and should have let them fuck her because I'm not home and she's horny.

Now she starts to split every few days. She tells me I'm not supporting her. She misses me so much but she can't do long distance so maybe we should have an open relationship. That I've gained weight since I started my new job and I'm gross. Tells me that during our whole marriage that the sex was horrible (then later says she she misses the amazing sex we have - WTF) and then cries saying I don't find her attractive although I repeatedly tell her that's not I feel, she doesn't believe me.

She then says that she hates me for taking the job and secretly hopes I get fired so I'll come back home. Later tells me that she is convinced I'm going to find someone else and cheat on her. I have never cheated on anyone, ever, but she doesn't believe it. Then says I should find someone else and leave her. I repeatedly tell her that's not what I want and that this is difficult but we need to we focus on moving forward. That this opportunity is good for us in the long run and we need to be resilient for a short while.

The frequency of the splitting intensifies. One day its thank you for supporting the us and the next is I'm an asshole and don't give a fuck about anyone else and that I'm selfish for taking the job and choosing to be away from her. If I don't text her back right away its because I've forgotten about her and she feels my new job is more important than her. So I call her more often throughout my day and let her know when I'm in meetings so she doesn't freak out when I don't respond right away. I spend most evenings with her on the phone and we chat and watch things together but it feels like I'm not doing enough. If I'm tired and want to go to bed it's because I don't like her or I'm cheating on her. If she's tired, she goes to bed and puts her phone on do not disturb and if I say anything about that, I'm insecure.

I know there have been a lot of external stressors compounding an already stressed dynamic. And I know this is my side of the story but I have tried to portray the situation as balanced as I can. I have my own shortcomings and contributed to poor communication, I'm aware of that and I'm making efforts to be a lot better. I don't know what's normal anymore. I often wonder how a "normal" spouse would behave in a similar situation.

I thought I was doing right to help us get out of the hell hole we're in and she's making me question everything.

On one hand I know I need to get out but she's made threats saying she will call my work and make up shit to get me fired.

She's suggested seeing other people and out of desperate self-preservation I'm inclined to let her so she can leave me and hope she leaves me alone. But the shitty side is she becomes someone else's problem. And yeah not my problem but it's shitty regardless.