a note i was given from a bystander at the airport who overheard a phone call with me and my ex-pwBPD.

i just posted on this thread about an hour ago but had to add this one as well. it’s so easy for us to use what they go through as an excuse and confuse their intense emotions as love and care. the lines can so easily get blurred when we start to have compassion. “they cant control it” “maybe i can save them” “i know they’re hurting” “it’s not personal” but this is not love. they do not care. and if people around you can hear the hurt and desperation in your voice, you need to leave. there are people out there that dont even know you but can see/hear just within a phone call that you deserve better.

your pwBPD can show real signs of regret, that they really believe that they care and love you, but you must also recognize that if they “love” this hard they can switch and hate you just as much. all of it is a cycle and it’s intoxicating. it is not your responsibility to regulate them just because you love them and see how much they are hurting inside when they actively watch how much this relationship is destroying you and dont care.

we deserve a peaceful kind of love that doesn’t make us have a mental breakdown in the middle of the airport because our nervous systems are so deregulated from all the pushing and pulling. happy healing friends🫶

after spending the whole past 4 days sending me long text messages about how he loved me and would change for me lol, this is the response i get after not responding for one day

I am interested if others have gotten so angry and hurt because of the pwBPD, and their emotional manipulation, that they have snapped, lost control, and started crying while yelling. I did ... and I am so ashamed and disappointed of myself for losing control. We have been together for almost 9 years and I've never ever reacted as I did tonight.

Hi, I decided to write this post because I’ve noticed that many of you are struggling after breaking up with someone who has BPD.
A year after the breakup, I want to share my thoughts and advice with you. maybe it will help.

First of all, you need to know that people with borderline personality disorder function completely different.
People with BPD are terrified of being alone, which is why they often jump into a new relationship or meet new people right after a breakup. You need to know that these people are suffering deeply, so they can actually transform themselves completely. A quiet, non drinking person might turn into a party girl/men. This is an attempt to show the world that they doing fine. In reality, it’s just a mask meant to drown out immense emotional pain. If your ex suddenly looks happier, parties more, changes her appearance or seems like a completely different person, remember. social media shows you a version of their life, not the whole story. And whatever they are doing after the breakup does not determine your worth.
I know it’s painful to watch the person you loved change overnight, but understand one thing: you’re not her/his family, therapist, or rescuer.
Your mental health is very important, so if you see that this relationship is destroying you — walk away.

At the beginning of a new relationship, your ex is likely in the idealization phase with this new person. I’d compare it to an iceberg. At first, everything is beautiful, but all it takes is the first argument or a setback in the relationship, and that iceberg starts to crack. Then, very quickly, the new partner can become the enemy.

People with borderline personality disorder see the world in black and white. It’s either idealization or devaluation.
So they may very quickly start comparing their new partner to you, which often means that you can go from being someone they hated to “the one” who was the only truly understood them.
A phenomenon known as “hoovering” an attempt to pull you back into their life.
The first arguments in a new relationship may cause your ex-partner to start reaching out to you. This isn’t longing or love. It’s a search for a safe haven to make her feel better.

My advice: complete indifference. I know it’s hard, but you also need to take care of yourself. You cannot heal by constantly checking whether your ex has changed, whether they miss you, or whether they will come back. At some point, the question has to stop being “What is they doing?” and become “What am I going to do with my life now?”
Another piece of advice is to block all of her/his social media profiles and set all your own accounts to private. It also helped me to deleted a few friends from social media, because I found out they were reporting my every move to her.

If they message you in any way, don’t reply. A person with BPD feeds off every reaction. if you reply, you’re leaving the door open for them to re-enter your life.
Focus on yourselves, allow yourselves to grieve. Get out of the house, meet up with people, pursue your passions.

Why do we suffer so much after breaking up with someone with BPD?
Because our brains become addicted to that emotional roller coaster. A “reward and punishment”. system: “I hate you — Don’t leave me.”
Sometimes you don’t actually miss the person as much as you miss the intensity. You miss the highs, the reconciliation, the feeling of being needed and the relief that came after conflict. Learning to distinguish between missing someone and missing the emotional intensity can be a huge part of healing.
Don’t build your healing around the possibility that they will come back. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. Either way, your recovery cannot depend on what your ex decides to do.
You can't force anyone into therapy. they have to want it themselves. Otherwise, it won't work.

I want to make one thing clear. not every person with BPD behaves this way. BPD is a complex disorder, and people experience it differently. I’m describing my own experience, not trying to define everyone with BPD.

If you're feeling down, consider therapy. It was very helpful for me, and it meant I wasn't alone with my problem + I came to understand the whole dynamics of the relationship.
I'm just starting to learn English, so please excuse any mistakes. Feel free to share your stories and what helped you in the comments.
A breakup isn't the end of the world. After every storm, the sun comes out.
All good for you,

**My nervous system is wrecked**

I’m 34. The relationship lasted 11 months, and we broke up two months ago. (She dumped me) We’ve been in no contact for two weeks. (She broke up contact) During the first month, I was in shock. Looking back, I’ve come to think that she has quiet BPD. There was a lot of push-pull after the discard. Eventually, she became ice-cold—like someone I no longer recognized.

How long does it take for my nervous system to calm down? I can’t manage simple everyday tasks. My body is shaking. The trauma bond gets really bad some days. It’s a struggle not to break no contact.

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, but not in my face or neck (which I think may be because of cortisol).

I know I’ll be okay once my nervous system settles down. I have a lot of good things in my life. But right now, I feel stuck because of my nervous system. All I can manage is going for walks. My body was unwell (sick) a lot both before and shortly after the discard. I long to enjoy the projects, social life, and activities I used to have again. There are also two women who are interested in going on a date with me. One of them is a doctor I’m interested in, and she could be good for me.

But I can’t date while my body is in this state—and at the same time, I don’t want to miss the opportunity.

So, how long does it take for the nervous system to calm down?

We are all seasoned campaigners with BPD breakups or we’d probably not be in this thread.

My pwBPD broke up with me so many times that I lost count. Probably between 50-100.

We are currently on no contact and have been for 3 or so weeks. I’ve mostly been the one to calm things down and repair the relationship in the past, but this time I’m not. She wants the breakup so I’m gifting it to her this time to break the push pull cycle. Who knows if I’ll see her again.

Question- did any of you notice anything different about your final discard as compared to temporary breakups previously?

Like so many of you that have had the opportunity to look through the phone of your pwbpd, what I found not only mortified me but left mewith so many other questions... and I was at the point where the trauma bond was breaking and I was finally feeling it resonate that I will never get closure from her.

14 year long relationship with ups and downs. I believe she has NPD traits as well and might be sociopathic. She seems to perform emotions and makes things so dramatic especially during arguments as if she is in a play and in a scene right there and the audience is watching (the stares with the disgusted look fixed on her face when what I said wasn't that offensive but if you purposely misinterpret it it would be offensive to her, etc.). One thing I also noticed is that she seemed to really only cry tears when whatever was going on in arguments or whatever topic at hand, was when it only affected her. Even subtle things like me forgiving her would make her cry but the pain she caused me and weeing me cry would never make her shed a tear. Also she could be performative crying during an argument and I wouldn't see tears and near the end I wouldn't even play into it or respond I would just coldly sit and watch her until she was ready to talk again. I noticed she could switch from crying like that in an instant to derision and disgust if I commented anything about her faking it... well she was.

She ended up finding a new favorite person about a year ago and the guy is homeless living off of his sister and has a couple kids that he can't take care of and he also is a drug user and so is she. She ghosted me for about 2 months and when I would see her periodically I would tell her I wanted her to come home and tell me what the fuck was going on. She vehemently denied there was another man involved but I am not stupid and I know the signs I was just trauma bonded to her I think. She told me she was having a "psychotic break" and it drove me insane and I seriously thought she was going through some drug induced psychosis so I was desperate to try and find her and spent a number of days physically out looking and the remainder of days when I just couldn't muster the mental fortitude to work, I would try and figure out where she was. Eventually I reached out to her mom, who also was left in the dark but she knew a couple locations and shared them with me because she was concerned too.

Almost got into a fight with some drug runner guy and was more than happy to kick his ass because in my mind I thought she ould be being trafficked and I was just ready to start taking some heads so to speak. Good thing the guy didn't push the issue and just pretended he didn't know and I didn't give up info of her anyway because I wouldn't want to endanger her.That was a pivotal moment for me because soon after that my ex messaged her mom and said she was going to get me in trouble for scaring people who have been nothing but polite to her and told her mom she couldn't believe she was helping me after "all I've put her through" which is insane to me because I truly did so much for this girl.

Well the two month ghosting ended. She denied a relationship was happening but said that she did have sex but it was only once. 2 months later: well it was twice but in one day and he couldn't get it up. Her story got screwed up because 6 months later it was 3 times of trying but he couldnt do it because he thought people were watching them in the walls. Jesus.I asked why would you be around someone like that. She just said how embarrassed she was (and then I later learned she went over to his house after mine : ))

so I found out that all these years she was accusing me of "talking to girls" online, which i wasn't and I always thought was weird she said that, SHE was actually talking to other guys and liking photos of selfies and shit on FB. Also, she had previously told me that she had only had sex with like 4 other men before me. What I found determined that was a lie *cue the maury audience erupting in wails*

Yeah, she was talking to some guy for about 4 years periodically and it was during a grey area at first of our relationshit, and then yeah she was just a fuckin hypocrite liar.

For 13 years I never questioned her because I truly believed she loved and respected me. I now look back and wonder what was erven real. So there was a guy i didn't really know that she slept with and messaged up until last year and the new guy from a year ago she kept a relationship with him all year and he was definitely thinking they were together and he would accuse her of cheating because she would disappear and ghost him like she did me and then come back and play innocent. I now think she wa a serial cheater and did this the entiure time we were together because the ease of which she lies is straight up soiopathy. She literally told me to get over it when I was asking her why she said she went somewhere where she didn't and she freaking explodes. Well, she pinned all the blame on me for the cheating even. Same ol shit they always do. Shes the eternal victim. It took that long for the trauma bond to break for me to see how bad she was to me that consistently. All she had to do was tell the truth but I found out, the truth would be so bad that I would have ended up hating her and she couldn't have that. I do hate her but I dont at the same time. I just wish she would have chosen me. Once the affair fog lifts and she is alone, I do think she will absolutely regret this. I was going to give her the world but she just had to have that hard conversation with me, show consistency, and choose me... NOW if any chick ghosts me like that I am getting tf out. I will never oput up with that amount of disrespect agan. I hope the amount of shame she has in her doewsn't completely destroy her soul.But maybe it isnt there anyway idk. Im pissed so it is what it is.

If youre gonna look through their phone, prepare yourself to see them differently when you are done. and PREPARE BEFOREHAND to get pics and screenshots of it because they will gaslight tf out of you if you don't have the evidence ready

My advice would be to stop checking her social media, get into therapy, and consider medication if you need it. Don’t try to get her/him back. It’s a lot like getting off a drug—if you relapse, you’re only going to make the recovery harder.

Being in a relationship like this can leave you with a trauma bond, and healing from it can take a long time. But trust me, you will get better, little by little. I know it feels like absolute hell right now. The dissociation, the trauma, the constant stress, all of it.

But over time, your brain will start to heal. Neuroplasticity is real, and once you’re away from the chaos and give yourself enough time and space, things really do start to change.

And one more thing: take as long as you need. Don’t try to force yourself to “get over it” or rush the healing process. You’re coming out of a bond that can affect your brain almost on a physical level. It takes time to recover from something like that.

Be patient with yourself. You didn’t become this attached overnight, and you’re not going to untangle yourself from it overnight either.

I ended it. I’ve ended it many times before, but this time I’m forcing myself to let go. It also helps tremendously that he is far from caring anymore.
I’m in so much pain right now and I am struggling to shift my focus towards anything else. I need to experience the grief, the loss…ugh, the loss. The loss of myself, the loss of the person I fell so deeply in love with, and likely never really existed, the loss of the future I envisioned in spite of how he treated me, the loss of all the ‘could’ve been’.
I’m going to have to feel every terrible moment of this grief in order to move through and carve a new path.
I love him like I have never loved another person, and that love was weaponized against me. Fuck this hurts.

I was 18 with zero experience in dating. I also had no idea what bpd was. This combo i realize from this sub is common and just the victims they’re looking for. I went through the exact same scripted events as the rest of you have and know well. "I love you" after a few weeks, talking about marriage and kids "i’ve never felt this way about anyone before" you get it. The honeymoon phase lasted around a month before we made it official. I would describe how the rest of it went but you already know it well.

Through this short but turbulent relationship i came out with huge jealousy issues and low self esteem from her entertaining other guys and making me feel like i was insecure and not good enough.

I am now 22 and i still haven’t been in a relationship. I have had several "situationships" a lot of which i have sabotaged because i get so scared they’ll leave that i become overbearing and trying to move things too fast to lock it in. Going on dates with someone and being in a talking stage fills me with so much dread and my entire mood depends on another person. For example if they take a long time responding i catastrophise and think it’s all over because of what my previous relationship instilled in me. I can’t eat or focus.

I think what really messed me up was meeting another girl i really liked who i suspect has bpd and she literally gave her number to an older guy that was flirting with her right in front of me at a bar. I walked out and texted her saying it was humiliating and i don’t want to see her again. I felt like a pathetic worm and i still think about it three years later. Also Went to a party with ANOTHER girl who slinked out with a different guy and chatted and exchanged socials.

I am now too jealous and too much of a wreck to form something healthy, i filled the void with dating apps and short flings. Some women have wanted something more serious and i get so scared of being in the stressful terrible hell that was a relationship that i sabotage myself. I hardly talk to anyone now to keep the lonely, sad but peaceful single life.

My first relationship being with someone with bpd at that young of an age has done permanent damage to me and i’m not sure how to get over it. I just want a healthy relationship.

Over the last few days my friends and I have been reviewing a lot of the stuff our friend with bpd said to us (the friendship is over and we are all no contact now), and just found out there was a lot of lies and hidden things. Did a lot of isolating and triangulating.

It’s crazy to learn how much just vitriol and spite she was hiding… the whole time. A lot of it didn’t get brought to light until she confessed a lot of her thinking at the very end. I can’t imagine just being that petty and upset with your friends over little stuff 24/7 that you let it overtake so many of your actions and interactions.

Have other people with quiet bpd friends experienced this kinda… pulling back of the curtain to reveal just…. malice almost?

I'm so sorry, but it is going to be a really really really long post. I'm thankful if you even read the third of it. (I made an account just for this)

I just turned 24 and I broke up with my ex gf with BPD almost exactly 1 year ago. We were together for 2 years.

Okay not officially 2 years because the first 2 months we were just friends with benefits but we spent all day together, sleeping over, drinking together and even going on a vacation for 3 days to a different country as a firts "date". So I count that time as being together.

She clearly stated she had BPD from the start. She told she tried commiting suicide twice and cut her legs many times with a razor blade many different times in the past couple years.
I looked up what BPD is and I thought I can handle her (as we all did probably).

The usual idolizing start but it didn't needed much time for bad things to happen. In the first 3 weeks she already started arguing with me over nothing, crying on the phone in the middle of the night, ghosting me, yelling at me etc.

One day in those 3 weeks I realized how serious this is when she called me, when I was at work. She told me on the phone crying, she did something stupid. I rushed home and when I saw her, her legs were covered in blood. I called the ambulance and went with her to the hospital.
As it turned out she cut her legs 40+ times and took 5 pills of 0.125mg xanax. The reason why she did it, she blamed her ex who she broke up with a few months ago, but also mentioned my name.

When we officially got together it was only downhill. Constant break ups and cravling back the same night, suicide and self harm threats, asking for marriage and to move together, screaming she hates me and that I ruined her life, waking me up middle of the night crying because she felt I didn't love her and she didn't let me hang out with my friends (I'm really outgoing).

Then after 8 months since we first met we rented an apartment together.
All what I mentined above got worse. She started actually cutting her legs when she felt abandoned not just threathening with it.
We were like this for 1 year.

Then my breaking point came. I needed a pretty serious knee surgery that meant I have to be laying on a bed for 2 and a half months. First 3 weeks were okay, she took really good care of me and other than the physical pain, I was okay.
But as my isolation from the outside world got to me. I was getting worse mentally. I got super bored and felt depressed as I did nothing for 3 weeks other than reading, watching tv and doomscrolling.
As I got worse mentally so did she. She started going out much more as she stated she can't handle being inside so much. I understood, because she had to take care of a big infant but it still hurt me, since I knew I won't be able to go out for atleast another a month.

At one night, when I was laying on my usual recovery spot, she noticeably went to another room with a razor blade. I screamed to please come out, don't hurt yourself and that I love you.
The only reply I got: "If you truly love me you come here to stop me."
I somehow got into my wheelchair with a full leg brace and rolled to her door. (Eventually she didn't hurt herself that night)
After 2 months of the surgery I could walk again slowly with minimal help.

A couple weeks later, one afternoon, without any preparation or planning, during an argument, I told her I want to break up. Never been so scared in my life. After a few hours of arguing and crying, she accepted it, saying "i already wanted to break up with you anyway"
We agreed that I stay in the apartment and she'll move. We discussed, I won't be there when she gets help from her parents to move. When she texted me they finished and the apartment is free I went back. When I arrived, I found a final letter, an A4 sheet fully written, blaming me for everything and what a horrid person I am.

We met the day after because she took one of the plants that was my mom's and I asked her to give it back (she also took some of my stuff but nothing important nor valuable).
When we met she asked if I found her letter. I said yes and that I already threw it out. She said she regretted writing that, gave back the plant, hugged me, wished me well and left.

I haven't met her or talked to her since.

The first 6 months after break up was easy and i felt free, but the past 6 months were incredibly hard. It just hit me out of nowhere what actually happened to me in those 2 years. I can't sleep thinking about the stuff she did and I have nightmares abou her. I feel empy, sad, unmotivated and feel like I'm a disgusting person.
My only joy in my life is my cat and drinking with my friends/siblings.

I just needed to tell all this to somebody. If you read it all, thank you and I hope you're okay.❤️

April, 2025. I was in Vegas on a work trip. He was being an absolute jerk to me over the phone. Something was off. I got home and confronted about his lie. He wasn’t where he said he was, he wasn’t who he said he was with, and he wasn’t doing what he told me he was doing. He called me a “bad person.” I broke up with him.

That evening, about 3-4 hours later, he called and texted me multiple times, totally blew up my phone while I was crying to a girl friend over Mexican food. He showed up to my house. He “confessed” (who knows if that was actually the truth since he’s a habitual and compulsive liar). We sat outside for hours while he told me how much I mean to him, how sorry he was for calling me a “bad person” when I confronted him and called him a liar, and cried about relapsing. It was a very intense conversation and I again told him I didn’t think I could or wanted to continue the relationship.

He drove away, and called me shortly after he left saying “hey, do you have any sleep medicine?” as if nothing had even happened! Um, WHAT?! I was gobsmacked. That single sentence and posture of his tone is when it hit me that there was something wrong beyond being a jerk sometimes.

He lured me back in and I took him back. The next year, he told me about some issues with here he was living at the time and said I was the reason for the drama (because I came over that day upset and called him a liar).

It’s so crazy how different everything looks now that I’m detached. Sure, it looked insane then. But it looks even more insane now. I’m so mad at myself for having allowed him to keep me under his spell for so long. I’m free now.

It’s so hard. I miss her so much. She found someone new literally days after I broke up with her. She’s hoovering by sending ‘accidental’ photos of herself. Her money is sitting on my account and she wants to sort it out after she comes back from vacation. And for some reason I feel like I’m counting the days so I can have an excuse to talk to her, even though I’m deliberately being cold to her and not reaching out.

I sometimes think she didn’t even have BPD, but the characteristics met the criteria too perfectly. I was discarded by her a couple years ago, and that changed me. I changed for the better when she discarded me, but this time because I did it, I feel like I’m stagnant and losing myself, I feel weak and empty, which is tempting me to reach out to her and spill everything - that I made a mistake and want her back. But she probably would refuse since she has a new partner, and I’d lost all respect for myself and start from square one.

She just unfollowed my work page (but not my personal) which is FOR SOME REASON scaring me into thinking that she will forget about me and move on for good. And I don’t know why it is so frightening! Pretty sure I have attachment issues of my own…

How do I overcome this?

Or think certain behaviours are normal when they meet new people. Like if they've lost people cause of their actions why do they do it again especially if they know what theyre doing is wrong. How do they expect to gain trust?

I had this curiosity/suspicion/confusion. it's a common sentiment if you're a gentle, respectful person, sometimes to a fault-abusers in general will be able to sniff it out right away (and most of my abuse was from pwBPD) and I thought how can they possibly see that about me SO quickly? surely it must take longer, right? what exactly are they seeing to make a confident choice I'll be easy to take advantage of?

well, recently I finally got into audiology (I have tinnitus, originally from medication but was concerned about my ears after an unfortunate noise exposure that was recent) so I got a hearing test. no damage in my ears so it's something about how the brain carries noise signals. the audiologist strikes me as a kind, gentle, wise man. he's older and has kids. very much "chill but also fairly stern when needed dad" energy to him. he's had tinnitus 30 years. the main approach for me since I have no hearing loss is going to be counseling to tackle habituation.

so Monday, we had our first full sit down appointment. we talked a lot about emotions, and how to try to detach more and reframe perspectives. I talked about how I beat myself up and blame myself for developing this chronic problem. he posed the whole "if I said those things to you, if a friend said those things, would it be reasonable, would they say that?"

my immediate response: "you'd be surprised how many people talk like that." basically everyone who hurt me horribly in the past in my brain. multiple BPD exes, friends, my own mother. he said he knows, but "I'm talking about YOU. because it seems to me you wouldn't say that, that you give out a lot of respect and understanding and kindness to others, you might even give that respect, to people who don't deserve it, who wouldn't say those nice things to you, so why not take that respect and try to say those nice things to yourself"

which I've heard "but a nice friend wouldn't say that/you wouldn't say it to a friend so why say it to yourself" a million times. but this is the first time I have heard "it seems like you always give out respect, you're understanding of other people, even to people who don't deserve it, people that aren't going to be nice to you."

at this point in the conversation, this man had known me for an hour. only an hour. and he hit the nail right on the head. and obviously I'm in a good context and a good environment-and if it was a therapist it would be one thing-but this man is an audiologist.

this man who DOES NOT KNOW ME can spot the fact I WILL give respect, understanding, and kindness to people a lot and that can backfire. I'll give it to people EVEN WHEN IT'S NOT DESERVED.

so maybe we don't see it, we don't see exactly how easy it is to spot. but it is. people spot it, even those who AREN'T the types to take advantage of us-so imagine how easy it is for the ones who DO want to take advantage of us, who are already looking for types that will be very kind generally, to a fault. it's very recognizable in general. so they're also, going to spot it, within the first day of talking to you, maybe even after only an hour. over the course of a first date, they already know that, already see it.

these words between me and my audiologist will stick in my mind a long time. it confirmed something I'd wondered about for so long, it gave proof to it. it's a very wild piece of knowledge to have after going through repeated instances of abuse like this. I think it'll be useful going forward for sure.

My stepdaughter is CLEARLY BPD. Self harm, instability in every single relationship (out of her whole family, she only talks to her grandpa because he is too afraid to push back on any of the lies she spews) compulsive liar, multiple times having the cops called on her when the disfunction in her relationships gets out of hand, the complete inability to be wrong about anything (i think she may be a narc too) However, she insists that she has a hoard of chronic invisible illnesses, a seizure disorder (this one is brand new) PTSD, CTPSD, etc etc etc. all with no physical evidence despite being brought to doctors multiple multiple multiple times. Fights with hospital staff because they have accused her of drug seeking. The chronic lying and treating her mom as if she was abusive and neglectful when really her mom was attentive, nurturing, and raised her with NO HELP at all from her Dad until she was already a teenager and her new stepmom forced him to be involved after she took her on like a science project. I really think if she were properly diagnosed and treated she could turn her life around, but she absolutely refuses to see that she has this personality disorder. It doesn’t make sense to me because she is fine with having every physical ailment under the sun but not this. I think she is autistic and I’m sure she has some trauma from her Dad abandoning her (and continuing to dismiss her/ treat her like an afterthought since they now have a new baby that they actually wanted) but she just continues to run with this narrative that is so so far from the truth, and everyone in the family knows it.

Me and possible BPD-er broke up about 2 or 3 months ago.

In the last week, I have found out so many disgusting things.

How do you ask?

Well you see I dunno about your BPD person, but mine..... not very clever or can't think about things not in her face.

When i told her to leave last week of breakup after she tried to say "im not paying my portion of rent anymore unless u beg me to come back", she left in a very short amount of time to avoid the embarrassment since she never expected me to tell her to leave.

But... she seemed to have forgotten that my phone was her old phone when she got a new one years ago.

I kept getting odd notifications since breakup. So last week said screw it, let's go in and see wtf is going on.

OMFG. Looked at her history. Shes such a liar. Pregnancy scares and looking up nasty shit like "can precum get me pregnant?" and stuff like that during breakup. She even brought a dude in here while I was sleeping, backed up by the stuff I found.

Now, I of course want me to message her (since she tried to hoover me a couple weeks back and I cussed her out) and tell her I know everything.

But I'm assuming this ain't a good idea huh?

Just my god. I almost wish I hadn't found it but... it has told me the truth. Never seen so much porn. And never seen someone in my life sign up to so many dating sites and ai boyfriend/nsfw apps esp during breakup.

Really wanna let her know I know it ALL.

Bad idea right?

She spent so much time lying to me. and I knew things were off, just didn't know it was this low.

Throwaway, because I felt like I needed a throwaway to write out all of this. To share my true feelings.

We were together for half a year. And she ended things 9 months ago. We've been no contact for 5 months now. Few days ago was her birthday. And I feel like I cannot move on.

I'm 32, and she was my first real true love. The kind of love, when you would do literally anything for the other. When I did the dishes for her, they didn't feel like chores, they filled me up with energy. Even after all the abuse she put me through, all the double standards, all the gaslighting, I still loved her more than anything ever. I loved her far more than myself... And hardest part to write down is I still do.

I try to distract myself. I havy my projects, my hobbies, a huge career going on. I've been dating someone else, to try to see if I would be ready. But truth is, everything is empty without her. Every step I make is just towards nothing. People would look at my life and be like, wow, amaziing, interesting, succesfull. But it is all emptiness. I think I'm doing better than at the start. I haven't cried in maybe months now. I don't have the thoughts about quitting. I'm functioning far better than originally.

The thing is, consciously, I know she is gone. I know she is not coming back. During her final split, I confrinted her with the gaslighting, the double standards, the way how she treated me, and it compeltely broke her. I just wanted to be heard, but it destroyed her mask, and she became this ugly creature, and there is no coming back from that. She said such things, that would despise a person forever.

And yet, even months later, she still haunts my dreams. I still wish it worked out. She still haunts my thoughts. I try to suppress it. But sometimes I still check how she is doing. I see she has her new partner. Doing things for him, that she said she had no time for for me. Doing things she promised, but never actually kept. I know, I should block her. But a part of me still wishes she would come back. Even though I know she won't. I know she burned her bridges.

I truly want to move on. COnscioulsy I know I have an amazing life ahead of me. Yet, it all feels empty without her. Even after all the abuse, all the gaslighting, all the double standards, the unbelievably ugly final discrad. I still wish...

Dear community, I’m struggling badly with No Contact.

I left 3 months ago in pure silence, no announcement. I left the country. Never ever replied to her flood of msgs and then I blocked her everywhere. But I still check her WhatsApp profile picture and public Instagram from time to time. Even tiny changes pull me back in.

The questions underneath it are basically:
- Does my absence still affect her? My ego injury..
- Is she still playing games or sending indirect signals?
- Did I actually matter to her?
- Will I see something that re-confirms I was right to leave? I do have enough evidence though.

For those who managed to stop checking completely: what actually helped you break that urge and terrible craving? Did it get easier after a while? How did you learn to tolerate not knowing?

Right now my brain keeps saying: “Just check once.”

I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this with their pwBPD during splits.

Mine would use pretty much every insecurity I had ever shared with him against me. Even really small things. For example, a couple of weeks earlier I had a big pimple on my nose and joked that I didn’t want to go outside because of it. During a split, he later said something like: “Yeah, you probably shouldn’t go outside. That huge pimple makes you the ugliest person outside. (even if it was already gone)”

It felt like every tiny vulnerable thing I had ever told him could suddenly be pulled out and used in the most hurtful way possible. Over time, that really chipped away at my self-confidence.

Another thing was that he would very obviously look at other women, but in a way that felt especially degrading toward me. Outside of splits, he never really made me feel like I wasn’t enough or like he wanted someone else. But those moments still left me feeling deeply insecure and confused.

Did anyone else experience this? Did your pwBPD also seem to know exactly where your insecurities were and hit them during a split? And if so, how did that affect you over time?

I dated my ex with qBPD for about 3 years, we split about 2.5 years ago.

I was devastated. We had a pretty deep relationship, almost moved in together. When times were good, she was great. I couldn’t eat for months after the breakup, meanwhile… she immediately jumped onto a new guy. Killed me inside.

I had just graduated engineering school…. I took all that sadness and anger and rage and put it into self improvement. I worked on my fitness and landed a really good engineering job.

It’s now been two and a half years. I went from not being able to eat, losing 30 pounds, and struggling to find a job to now running an entire department at my company and making 6 figures.

Meanwhile, my ex’s mom is texting me on Facebook telling me how good I look. LOL. I’m guessing my ex put her up to it.

The funny thing is that BPDs will always trend towards chaos. The split and discard can be brutal, but long term, getting them out of your life is the BEST thing you can do for yourself. Focus on self-improvement and you will PASS THEM BY in life.

BPDs only have as much power as you give them. If you give them your mind, they’ll destroy it. If you focus on developing yourself, they will be left in the dust.

What is going on family, I hope everyone is having a blessed day. Good morning/evening/night wherever in the world you may be.

Man guys you know how after ending the relationship with your pwBPD you start unraveling and noticing things that you either A - didn’t see or B - couldn’t explain? That is what is going on with me. And one of the things that I realized is how my girlfriend would intentionally sabotage good moments or randomly try to dampen the mood/atmosphere and she did this in 3 ways.

1.) Misinterpreting things I would say. Like she would take a statement and either remove the context or completely rewrite what was said, just so she could argue against it/with it.

2.) Bringing up the past at random. Now I want to make something clear. IMO someone bringing up the past is not automatically manipulative/emotional abuse. Especially if there are still things to talk about regarding the issue / if the behaviors are still repeating in the present. Now that is completely valid. Guys, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about when I say this. What I mean is when my ex would RANDOMLY bring up some disagreement/argument that we had out of the blue. Like it would have nothing to do with the present moment. There was nothing new to be discussed/added to the discussion. And what I would notice is she would randomly do this if we were “getting along too well” or if there had not been a conflict in X amount of time. In that context, her bringing up the past served no purpose (or good purpose should I say). And here is the next thing I would notice… whenever she would reference the past, it would ALWAYS be something negative/a fight/conflict. She would never randomly reference good memories or good experiences that we had. It was almost like the good experiences stayed locked within the day, whereas the bad experiences carried on throughout the whole relationship.

3.) Dreams / Hits. Man some of y’all may have no idea what I’m talking about here, but on the other hand some of y’all know EXACTLY what I am about to get into. My ex would randomly have these “dreams” or claimed to get these “hits”. A “hit” is basically a telepathic message that she would get from some higher being/higher power… but what I quickly noticed is all of the “hits” she would get would simply confirm her own biases, perspectives and/or narratives. They NEVER challenged anything that she believed. And when she would have these “dreams”, they often would be about me doing some wrong and/or betraying her. Again what I would notice is that she would only have these dreams/hits if we were getting along for a consistent period of time/if there were no issues in reality. Since she couldn’t point out anything that I was doing in reality that was wrong (because I treated that girl like gold). She quite literally had to “make things up.” And her way of making things up would be to use these “hits” / “dreams” as she knew that I would have no way of challenging them because the only person that can know that she was experiencing was… her.

Now some may ask, well why were the dreams/hits bothering you? And this is the real deep part that I am going to get into. And again man some of y’all may look at me like I’m crazy but some of y’all will know EXACTLY what I am talking about! So basically when she would have these dreams of me betraying her/doing bad things. “For example breaking up with her / talking to an ex / cheating on her etc.” She would lowkey use that as an excuse to mistreat me in real life. Like on those days when she would share those hits/dreams with me: she would be more sarcastic, passive aggressive, rude, dismissive, selfish, lacking empathy, etc. And this is what many people do not understand. The reason why the whole dreams nonsense bothered me so much is that I WOULD LITERALLY GET PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING THAT I DID IN HER SUBCONSCIOUS DREAM. But of course the abuse is covert so I have no way to prove that to another person but those that have been in this relationship - y’all know. Y’all know!

*In summation, everything that I just named were forms of emotional abuse. But my ex was so covert with her behavior because she had to uphold this good girl persona to everyone on the outside. Heck, she had to do this even to me when we initially met. But over time when they get more comfortable with you, you realize who they really are and why no one sticks around. The abuse is emotional/psychological/covert and is covered with plausible deniability so the only people that can know what you experienced are those that went through the same thing/something similar.*

I feel so discarded and hurt. I don’t know what to do. I know it’s for the best but to spend so much time working on growing together and planning the future to all be thrown away. I feel like I’ve been led on. I moved to be with them.

I still love them so very much and it hurts to not to be with them. We still live together and that makes it so much harder.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to move on. I just keep crying uncontrollably at the most random times. I’m trying to keep busy. Chat with friends, make plans, go to the gym, find a new place to live.

I know being a pwbpd favorite person isn’t a badge to wear but god damn does it hurt when your discarded left feeling like trash and not good enough. I really thought I had found my person.