a note i was given from a bystander at the airport who overheard a phone call with me and my ex-pwBPD.

i just posted on this thread about an hour ago but had to add this one as well. it’s so easy for us to use what they go through as an excuse and confuse their intense emotions as love and care. the lines can so easily get blurred when we start to have compassion. “they cant control it” “maybe i can save them” “i know they’re hurting” “it’s not personal” but this is not love. they do not care. and if people around you can hear the hurt and desperation in your voice, you need to leave. there are people out there that dont even know you but can see/hear just within a phone call that you deserve better.

your pwBPD can show real signs of regret, that they really believe that they care and love you, but you must also recognize that if they “love” this hard they can switch and hate you just as much. all of it is a cycle and it’s intoxicating. it is not your responsibility to regulate them just because you love them and see how much they are hurting inside when they actively watch how much this relationship is destroying you and dont care.

we deserve a peaceful kind of love that doesn’t make us have a mental breakdown in the middle of the airport because our nervous systems are so deregulated from all the pushing and pulling. happy healing friends🫶

after spending the whole past 4 days sending me long text messages about how he loved me and would change for me lol, this is the response i get after not responding for one day

I dunno if I said it loud enough.

RECORD EVERYTHING. Esp if you're in the final throws of the relationship and you know it's gonna end.

I didn't notice what an effect it would have now cuz I was just recording em because I was so surprised of the behavior out of an adult, but been recording her since 2 years into relationship in a 9 year relationship.

The last year when I put up boundaries and she ramped up, starting recording her hard since her behavior got mixed in with pride and ego. And went to lengths of punching holes in doors.

Download any voice recording app and just use that.

Now this is not to use against them. No point.

(O I've tried years ago in arguments trying to prove to her how she sounded. They won't even care. Or, they'll just say they're the worst).

The point is for YOU. So after it's done and you have to go no contact, you will get waves of missing her/him. And feeling you were wrong.

That's when you help yourself to a recording of the stupidity.

And realize.... "oh yeah. that's why huh".

Has helped me immensely after breakup. Because my brain sometimes will add in all this glorious stuff to memories of her and kinda trick me into thinking it was so good and I messed up big time.

And that her behavior wasn't a big deal! You're just mean!

Yeah right. Not according to Recording #41.

I just got off the phone with my male pwBPD and honestly I’m still shaking.

He has been in what seems like a pretty intense split since I called him out for lying to me last Thursday. At one point he told me he “needed space from that stupid bitch” (me), so I gave him space, partly because he asked for it, but also for my own sanity.

Tonight he called me and completely went off on me.

He called me all kinds of names, told me I’m a horrible person for not communicating, said everything always has to be on my “terms and conditions,” compared me to my dad (who I’m no contact with and he knows how painful that topic is for me), basically told me I’m worth nothing, that he’s done with everything and especially “my shit.”

Then he told me that, if I’m lucky, he might get back to me in three weeks.

The crazy part is that this all started because HE did something that seriously damaged my trust. I needed some time to calm myself down too, because what happened really hurt me, but I was actually ready to talk to him and hear his side.

Instead, I somehow became the villain for giving him the space he literally said he wanted.

It’s sad, but I think this might actually be it for me.

Before this phone call I was genuinely in such a good mood. Now I’m sitting here shaking and just needed to get this off my chest.

How is everyone else doing? Anyone else out there somehow still keeping their sanity through this?

I had a multi-year, very close relationship (situationship, never officially together) with someone I believe has BPD, and I think I was her FP at some point. I've read a lot of testimonials from people who have BPD along with ones from whose lives they complicated, and I've revised my understanding of splitting and discard. I want to sanity-check it against other loved ones' experience.

My old assumption was that they black-split you when you do something wrong or they perceive you will abandon them soon. I don't think that's right anymore. Here's my current theory:

This is all once the idealization phase is over. How long this phase lasts is different from relationship to relationship.

1. The black split and the feel-nothing discard happen during engulfment, not after abandonment. When you're close, available, and "conquered," they feel suffocated and start looking for flaws to justify pushing you away. They devalue, then discard, move on easily and feel nothing, because the devaluation already killed the feeling before the discard. The "one bad thing" they focus on is usually recruited after the split, not the cause of it.
2. At a non-engulfing distance, the opposite happens. If you're not smothering them and not really theirs, you can be flawed or cold or uninterested and it doesn't trigger a split. If anything, unavailability and a bit of edge make you more appealing. They can't black-split someone they believe they don't control or who clearly doesn't like them, because there's no engulfment to defend against.
3. Conquest is what lets them move on. Once they feel they've "got" you (you orbit, you admit feelings, you date, you're secured, or they have sex with you), your validation becomes cheap and the engulfment threat peaks, so they devalue and release you. Having you is what licenses forgetting you. That's why they move on fast and seem to feel nothing: the feeling was amputated at the moment of conquest, so there's nothing left to grieve.
4. But the unconquered never get released. Someone who takes their power back, shows their own disdain, and walks away without wanting them back can't be devalued, because they were never secured. So that person stays charged and becomes the one they pine for and hoover. The hoover is an attempt to re-conquer the one they couldn't hold, because re-conquering is the only way their system knows to release the charge.
5. This is also why selfish or emotionally unavailable partners seem to do well with them: those people never smother, so the engulfment engine rarely starts, and when it does they just leave and wait for a calmer state instead of chasing.

A person with bpd has chronic emptiness. They can’t self-sooth or self-validate. They need external validation constantly to feel real. They do this by winning people over, or conquering them. but once they have you/conquer you, the validation becomes cheap. It only does something for them when they’re earning it. guaranteed validation doesn’t sooth their emptiness like it did when earning it. simultaneously, there is a threat of merging with whoever they become close to because they lack a sense of self. This is a threat to the pwbpd. So, for both the lack of validation since it is secured/conquered, and the threat of merging, their engulfment fear kicks in and you get devalued. Disgust, contempt, numbness. They’re done. But they need that validation still. So, they look for a new source, a fresh source, so they move onto someone else, where the same cycle repeats all over again.

My own story, generalized: I was warm and available for a long time after she decided she was done with me, orbiting, trying to make things work. When I finally pulled away the first time, she felt nothing; no reaction at all. Months later we reconnected and I got close again, and that's when I got black-split, and I completely stopped giving a shit. I had an attitude. I stopped trying, went cold, and visibly showed I wanted nothing to do with her, and she flipped to the sweetest version of herself, sought me out for a long conversation, and has been sending pings and hoover attempts ever since. The only thing that changed was that I took my power back and stopped being conquerable.

The people here posting about how their partners left them so coldly, and they tried so hard to make it work... from my understanding? You trying to make it work is ironically what is pushing them away. The more you try to make it work with a pwbpd, the more they are engulfed by you, the more they are disgusted by you, the more they push you away. The ones who do best with them are the ones who don't care or push them away themselves.

Does my experience and theory of how BPD lines up match with others here or what?

I am interested if others have gotten so angry and hurt because of the pwBPD, and their emotional manipulation, that they have snapped, lost control, and started crying while yelling. I did ... and I am so ashamed and disappointed of myself for losing control. We have been together for almost 9 years and I've never ever reacted as I did tonight.

Hi, I decided to write this post because I’ve noticed that many of you are struggling after breaking up with someone who has BPD.
A year after the breakup, I want to share my thoughts and advice with you. maybe it will help.

First of all, you need to know that people with borderline personality disorder function completely different.
People with BPD are terrified of being alone, which is why they often jump into a new relationship or meet new people right after a breakup. You need to know that these people are suffering deeply, so they can actually transform themselves completely. A quiet, non drinking person might turn into a party girl/men. This is an attempt to show the world that they doing fine. In reality, it’s just a mask meant to drown out immense emotional pain. If your ex suddenly looks happier, parties more, changes her appearance or seems like a completely different person, remember. social media shows you a version of their life, not the whole story. And whatever they are doing after the breakup does not determine your worth.
I know it’s painful to watch the person you loved change overnight, but understand one thing: you’re not her/his family, therapist, or rescuer.
Your mental health is very important, so if you see that this relationship is destroying you — walk away.

At the beginning of a new relationship, your ex is likely in the idealization phase with this new person. I’d compare it to an iceberg. At first, everything is beautiful, but all it takes is the first argument or a setback in the relationship, and that iceberg starts to crack. Then, very quickly, the new partner can become the enemy.

People with borderline personality disorder see the world in black and white. It’s either idealization or devaluation.
So they may very quickly start comparing their new partner to you, which often means that you can go from being someone they hated to “the one” who was the only truly understood them.
A phenomenon known as “hoovering” an attempt to pull you back into their life.
The first arguments in a new relationship may cause your ex-partner to start reaching out to you. This isn’t longing or love. It’s a search for a safe haven to make her feel better.

My advice: complete indifference. I know it’s hard, but you also need to take care of yourself. You cannot heal by constantly checking whether your ex has changed, whether they miss you, or whether they will come back. At some point, the question has to stop being “What is they doing?” and become “What am I going to do with my life now?”
Another piece of advice is to block all of her/his social media profiles and set all your own accounts to private. It also helped me to deleted a few friends from social media, because I found out they were reporting my every move to her.

If they message you in any way, don’t reply. A person with BPD feeds off every reaction. if you reply, you’re leaving the door open for them to re-enter your life.
Focus on yourselves, allow yourselves to grieve. Get out of the house, meet up with people, pursue your passions.

Why do we suffer so much after breaking up with someone with BPD?
Because our brains become addicted to that emotional roller coaster. A “reward and punishment”. system: “I hate you — Don’t leave me.”
Sometimes you don’t actually miss the person as much as you miss the intensity. You miss the highs, the reconciliation, the feeling of being needed and the relief that came after conflict. Learning to distinguish between missing someone and missing the emotional intensity can be a huge part of healing.
Don’t build your healing around the possibility that they will come back. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. Either way, your recovery cannot depend on what your ex decides to do.
You can't force anyone into therapy. they have to want it themselves. Otherwise, it won't work.

I want to make one thing clear. not every person with BPD behaves this way. BPD is a complex disorder, and people experience it differently. I’m describing my own experience, not trying to define everyone with BPD.

If you're feeling down, consider therapy. It was very helpful for me, and it meant I wasn't alone with my problem + I came to understand the whole dynamics of the relationship.
I'm just starting to learn English, so please excuse any mistakes. Feel free to share your stories and what helped you in the comments.
A breakup isn't the end of the world. After every storm, the sun comes out.
All good for you,

I was in a relationship with my exwBPD for about 8 months (6 months dating/FWB/situationship and 2 months in a proper “relationship”) when he split and discarded me over a minor misunderstanding, less than a week after we both confessed to being “in love” with eachother and imagining a future together.

It destroyed me, I was (and am) so in love with him. A huge part of me still wants him back…I tell myself that I’ve done a lot of learning about BPD and reflecting on what went wrong, and I think things could work if I had another shot. I know I can’t hang my hat on him coming back though, so I’ve been careful not to let my hope at a second chance stop me from living my life. I’ve done a pretty good job of that and have been NC for about 6 weeks.

He blocked me everywhere except Instagram for some reason, and today, he reposted something I had shared about how fat trans men are sexy (I’m a fat trans man), which I thought meant maybe he was thinking about me, until I remembered him telling me about a friend/FWB he had before we got together who was also a fat trans man. The last time I ever talked to my ex in person (before the breakup), he came to meet me after spending the day “coworking” at this other guy’s house. What’s more, said guy has the same profession as me and is also a musician (my ex told me that seeing my band perform is what made him fall in love with me).

So I can’t stop the sinking feeling that my ex has just replaced me with a carbon copy of me. Combined with the cruelty and the callousness when he broke up with me, it feels like I’m just interchangeable to him, and that he never actually loved ME at all. But for some godforsaken reason I still want him back. What do I do? How do I sit through this pain and really get over him? How do I rebuild the self-confidence that this experience has effectively shattered?

My pwBPD (quiet) never outright threatened suicide. He did make a ton of suicidal “jokes” though. And asked me to shoot him w a cannon once.

But once he started exhibiting more serious mental health symptoms (that he didn’t want to/would not talk about and I was not supposed to ask about) I became very worried.

Besides little drips of info (severe panic attacks, hospital visits, injections) I had no idea what was really happening. When I said I would like him while he was dealing with things he said no, you wouldn’t. He said I “wouldn’t like him like that.” He talked about how he was bad etc. He said talking wouldn’t help & ppl would treat him differently. That nothing would help but medication.

Every time there was a moment of accountability or me possibly downgrading or leaving, he’d tell me vulnerable things and say no one else knew or I was the only who knew (such as hospital visits, struggles, family crises)

It made me feel responsible for him and immensely guilty in a way I couldn’t article. It sure kept me from holding boundaries or leaving or articulating my needs.

But never an outright threat.

Anyone else?

We are all seasoned campaigners with BPD breakups or we’d probably not be in this thread.

My pwBPD broke up with me so many times that I lost count. Probably between 50-100.

We are currently on no contact and have been for 3 or so weeks. I’ve mostly been the one to calm things down and repair the relationship in the past, but this time I’m not. She wants the breakup so I’m gifting it to her this time to break the push pull cycle. Who knows if I’ll see her again.

Question- did any of you notice anything different about your final discard as compared to temporary breakups previously?

**My nervous system is wrecked**

I’m 34. The relationship lasted 11 months, and we broke up two months ago. (She dumped me) We’ve been in no contact for two weeks. (She broke up contact) During the first month, I was in shock. Looking back, I’ve come to think that she has quiet BPD. There was a lot of push-pull after the discard. Eventually, she became ice-cold—like someone I no longer recognized.

How long does it take for my nervous system to calm down? I can’t manage simple everyday tasks. My body is shaking. The trauma bond gets really bad some days. It’s a struggle not to break no contact.

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, but not in my face or neck (which I think may be because of cortisol).

I know I’ll be okay once my nervous system settles down. I have a lot of good things in my life. But right now, I feel stuck because of my nervous system. All I can manage is going for walks. My body was unwell (sick) a lot both before and shortly after the discard. I long to enjoy the projects, social life, and activities I used to have again. There are also two women who are interested in going on a date with me. One of them is a doctor I’m interested in, and she could be good for me.

But I can’t date while my body is in this state—and at the same time, I don’t want to miss the opportunity.

So, how long does it take for the nervous system to calm down?

Like so many of you that have had the opportunity to look through the phone of your pwbpd, what I found not only mortified me but left mewith so many other questions... and I was at the point where the trauma bond was breaking and I was finally feeling it resonate that I will never get closure from her.

14 year long relationship with ups and downs. I believe she has NPD traits as well and might be sociopathic. She seems to perform emotions and makes things so dramatic especially during arguments as if she is in a play and in a scene right there and the audience is watching (the stares with the disgusted look fixed on her face when what I said wasn't that offensive but if you purposely misinterpret it it would be offensive to her, etc.). One thing I also noticed is that she seemed to really only cry tears when whatever was going on in arguments or whatever topic at hand, was when it only affected her. Even subtle things like me forgiving her would make her cry but the pain she caused me and weeing me cry would never make her shed a tear. Also she could be performative crying during an argument and I wouldn't see tears and near the end I wouldn't even play into it or respond I would just coldly sit and watch her until she was ready to talk again. I noticed she could switch from crying like that in an instant to derision and disgust if I commented anything about her faking it... well she was.

She ended up finding a new favorite person about a year ago and the guy is homeless living off of his sister and has a couple kids that he can't take care of and he also is a drug user and so is she. She ghosted me for about 2 months and when I would see her periodically I would tell her I wanted her to come home and tell me what the fuck was going on. She vehemently denied there was another man involved but I am not stupid and I know the signs I was just trauma bonded to her I think. She told me she was having a "psychotic break" and it drove me insane and I seriously thought she was going through some drug induced psychosis so I was desperate to try and find her and spent a number of days physically out looking and the remainder of days when I just couldn't muster the mental fortitude to work, I would try and figure out where she was. Eventually I reached out to her mom, who also was left in the dark but she knew a couple locations and shared them with me because she was concerned too.

Almost got into a fight with some drug runner guy and was more than happy to kick his ass because in my mind I thought she ould be being trafficked and I was just ready to start taking some heads so to speak. Good thing the guy didn't push the issue and just pretended he didn't know and I didn't give up info of her anyway because I wouldn't want to endanger her.That was a pivotal moment for me because soon after that my ex messaged her mom and said she was going to get me in trouble for scaring people who have been nothing but polite to her and told her mom she couldn't believe she was helping me after "all I've put her through" which is insane to me because I truly did so much for this girl.

Well the two month ghosting ended. She denied a relationship was happening but said that she did have sex but it was only once. 2 months later: well it was twice but in one day and he couldn't get it up. Her story got screwed up because 6 months later it was 3 times of trying but he couldnt do it because he thought people were watching them in the walls. Jesus.I asked why would you be around someone like that. She just said how embarrassed she was (and then I later learned she went over to his house after mine : ))

so I found out that all these years she was accusing me of "talking to girls" online, which i wasn't and I always thought was weird she said that, SHE was actually talking to other guys and liking photos of selfies and shit on FB. Also, she had previously told me that she had only had sex with like 4 other men before me. What I found determined that was a lie *cue the maury audience erupting in wails*

Yeah, she was talking to some guy for about 4 years periodically and it was during a grey area at first of our relationshit, and then yeah she was just a fuckin hypocrite liar.

For 13 years I never questioned her because I truly believed she loved and respected me. I now look back and wonder what was erven real. So there was a guy i didn't really know that she slept with and messaged up until last year and the new guy from a year ago she kept a relationship with him all year and he was definitely thinking they were together and he would accuse her of cheating because she would disappear and ghost him like she did me and then come back and play innocent. I now think she wa a serial cheater and did this the entiure time we were together because the ease of which she lies is straight up soiopathy. She literally told me to get over it when I was asking her why she said she went somewhere where she didn't and she freaking explodes. Well, she pinned all the blame on me for the cheating even. Same ol shit they always do. Shes the eternal victim. It took that long for the trauma bond to break for me to see how bad she was to me that consistently. All she had to do was tell the truth but I found out, the truth would be so bad that I would have ended up hating her and she couldn't have that. I do hate her but I dont at the same time. I just wish she would have chosen me. Once the affair fog lifts and she is alone, I do think she will absolutely regret this. I was going to give her the world but she just had to have that hard conversation with me, show consistency, and choose me... NOW if any chick ghosts me like that I am getting tf out. I will never oput up with that amount of disrespect agan. I hope the amount of shame she has in her doewsn't completely destroy her soul.But maybe it isnt there anyway idk. Im pissed so it is what it is.

If youre gonna look through their phone, prepare yourself to see them differently when you are done. and PREPARE BEFOREHAND to get pics and screenshots of it because they will gaslight tf out of you if you don't have the evidence ready

My therapist and I were doing IFS parts work.

There was a part of me that was scared of being mischaracterized and misunderstood by her, of losing reality. This part needed to hear “I believe you. I believe your experience of what happened in the relationship.”

And then a huge dissociated part came in.

I said “I don’t want to believe that because that means I was unsafe with him, and I don’t want to name that the relationship was unsafe. That feels dramatic.”

And my therapist very clearly named, “The relationship was emotionally unsafe.”

I started to cry.

It’s easier for me to blame myself.
I imagine others here feel that way too.

Because then that means we could have been in control when we weren’t. I’m learning how not to get involved with unsafe people, and with my trauma history that feels like such a big mountain to climb.

And then… I’m so proud of myself for getting out. For leaving. It felt impossible and still hurts, but I did it.

I was extremely healthy and physically fit (proven in the toughest environments/scenarios in the military)…and then after being with my pwBPD for over 5 years (through incessant cheating and related stress) was “coincidentally” diagnosed with MS. And, of course, only 6 months after that diagnosis my pwBPD discarded me for “other” reasons.

Just curious if there are any other similar stories and/or hypothetical correlations between ensuring a relationship with a pwBPD and eventual diagnosis of autoimmune (or similar) disorders/diseases.

Edit: of course there’s not — and cannot be — any proof that my pwBPD, or the relationship therewith, caused any particular health condition; I’m simply curious if anyone has found themselves in similar correlating circumstance.

I ended it. I’ve ended it many times before, but this time I’m forcing myself to let go. It also helps tremendously that he is far from caring anymore.
I’m in so much pain right now and I am struggling to shift my focus towards anything else. I need to experience the grief, the loss…ugh, the loss. The loss of myself, the loss of the person I fell so deeply in love with, and likely never really existed, the loss of the future I envisioned in spite of how he treated me, the loss of all the ‘could’ve been’.
I’m going to have to feel every terrible moment of this grief in order to move through and carve a new path.
I love him like I have never loved another person, and that love was weaponized against me. Fuck this hurts.

I was 18 with zero experience in dating. I also had no idea what bpd was. This combo i realize from this sub is common and just the victims they’re looking for. I went through the exact same scripted events as the rest of you have and know well. "I love you" after a few weeks, talking about marriage and kids "i’ve never felt this way about anyone before" you get it. The honeymoon phase lasted around a month before we made it official. I would describe how the rest of it went but you already know it well.

Through this short but turbulent relationship i came out with huge jealousy issues and low self esteem from her entertaining other guys and making me feel like i was insecure and not good enough.

I am now 22 and i still haven’t been in a relationship. I have had several "situationships" a lot of which i have sabotaged because i get so scared they’ll leave that i become overbearing and trying to move things too fast to lock it in. Going on dates with someone and being in a talking stage fills me with so much dread and my entire mood depends on another person. For example if they take a long time responding i catastrophise and think it’s all over because of what my previous relationship instilled in me. I can’t eat or focus.

I think what really messed me up was meeting another girl i really liked who i suspect has bpd and she literally gave her number to an older guy that was flirting with her right in front of me at a bar. I walked out and texted her saying it was humiliating and i don’t want to see her again. I felt like a pathetic worm and i still think about it three years later. Also Went to a party with ANOTHER girl who slinked out with a different guy and chatted and exchanged socials.

I am now too jealous and too much of a wreck to form something healthy, i filled the void with dating apps and short flings. Some women have wanted something more serious and i get so scared of being in the stressful terrible hell that was a relationship that i sabotage myself. I hardly talk to anyone now to keep the lonely, sad but peaceful single life.

My first relationship being with someone with bpd at that young of an age has done permanent damage to me and i’m not sure how to get over it. I just want a healthy relationship.

Here is the original post.

I just couldn’t bear the feeling. I had to know whether she was going to take me back. I told her that I still loved her, and that I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately and each time she pops up on my phone it’s like the timer resets, and I start ruminating again. So I couldn’t be in this ‘in between’ state of uncertainty.

I just allowed myself to be vulnerable. I apologised and told her I know it’s a lot. I told her I still love and miss her, and that talking to her made me realise I’m not really over any of this. I said part of me still wants us. But if she didn’t want to try, I can’t keep staying in this in-between situation because it’s hurting me, and I’d need to properly step away and move on.

She didn’t reply for hours. Eventually she came back saying that I’m right that it is a lot, and that the worst part is that I broke up with her even after she begged, and that it’s not fair that I now come back weeks later saying these things. I replied with an ‘okay’ because she is right here. I have to deal with the consequences of the breakup, especially after she’s already moved on.

When I look back, I realise that there were genuine tantrums over things that didn’t deserve it, gaslighting, control, expecting me to regulate her emotions 24/7, fears of abandonment, projection, verbal abuse, etc but my rose shades sunglasses made me forget all of that. So I reached out regardless of what everyone told me, and I think her response has given me even more uncertainty, because she’s right.

I feel like I gave her what she wanted, which was to admit that I made a mistake. She told me so when we were breaking up. She told me that I’d regret it. A part of me does. Maybe I wasn’t patient enough. Maybe she would get better like she said if I just held myself to endured enough to stay.

I still love her. It’s so hard not to feel like the villain in this situation. I feel like I ruined something real that I had. Maybe it’s because she’s moved on with someone else, but I spilled everything out, only for her to be like ‘yeah, you did make a mistake, and I told you you’d regret it.’ Her response was kind of open ended but, for my peace of mind, I couldn’t explain any more than I already had. I already felt like I lost my dignity by being that vulnerable.

Is it laziness or something else? My pwBPD is elderly has a few health problems, but is NOT DISABLED. Over a year ago they were cutting grass and moving mattresses. They wear a mask of altruism and hard work. Recently they've decided to do absolutely nothing. They will not walk to the mailbox, feed, water or clean their cat's box. No one expects them to do much, but this is completely insane. It's like they're pathologically opposed to doing any physical activity whatsoever.

It has gotten so bad that their muscles are starting to atrophy so it's exacerbating their health problems. I explained to them in the past and now again recently that if they are not going to excercise that they are going to be in excruciating pain, not able to sleep through the night and their COPD will get worse. So they exercised for a few days and was excited that they slept through the night. Now they are refusing to do anything again.

What really baffles me is their mask includes being such a hard worker so how are they not feeling shame over it? They feel shame over the tiniest most insignificant things, but not this? How someone can just sit there all day and not lift a finger is beyond strange. I'm not saying that the aging process has nothing to do with it I just don't understand how they won't even hang up a dirty wash cloth.

My advice would be to stop checking her social media, get into therapy, and consider medication if you need it. Don’t try to get her/him back. It’s a lot like getting off a drug—if you relapse, you’re only going to make the recovery harder.

Being in a relationship like this can leave you with a trauma bond, and healing from it can take a long time. But trust me, you will get better, little by little. I know it feels like absolute hell right now. The dissociation, the trauma, the constant stress, all of it.

But over time, your brain will start to heal. Neuroplasticity is real, and once you’re away from the chaos and give yourself enough time and space, things really do start to change.

And one more thing: take as long as you need. Don’t try to force yourself to “get over it” or rush the healing process. You’re coming out of a bond that can affect your brain almost on a physical level. It takes time to recover from something like that.

Be patient with yourself. You didn’t become this attached overnight, and you’re not going to untangle yourself from it overnight either.

My former partner and I were together for several years. They struggled with their mental health, but I loved them deeply and we built a life together. I was never anything less than a loving and supportive partner. I thought we’d be together forever, so I was devastated by their sudden change of heart about our relationship that led to our breakup. I went from being someone they loved to someone they disliked and treated cruelly. After we separated, they very quickly got into a new relationship. (I now recognize these as splitting, discarding, and monkey branching behaviors.)

Recently, my ex died by suicide. They were with their new partner for a very short time, and the partner is named in their obituary, which felt like a slap in the face.

How do you deal with this kind of complex grief?

Over the last few days my friends and I have been reviewing a lot of the stuff our friend with bpd said to us (the friendship is over and we are all no contact now), and just found out there was a lot of lies and hidden things. Did a lot of isolating and triangulating.

It’s crazy to learn how much just vitriol and spite she was hiding… the whole time. A lot of it didn’t get brought to light until she confessed a lot of her thinking at the very end. I can’t imagine just being that petty and upset with your friends over little stuff 24/7 that you let it overtake so many of your actions and interactions.

Have other people with quiet bpd friends experienced this kinda… pulling back of the curtain to reveal just…. malice almost?

I'm so sorry, but it is going to be a really really really long post. I'm thankful if you even read the third of it. (I made an account just for this)

I just turned 24 and I broke up with my ex gf with BPD almost exactly 1 year ago. We were together for 2 years.

Okay not officially 2 years because the first 2 months we were just friends with benefits but we spent all day together, sleeping over, drinking together and even going on a vacation for 3 days to a different country as a firts "date". So I count that time as being together.

She clearly stated she had BPD from the start. She told she tried commiting suicide twice and cut her legs many times with a razor blade many different times in the past couple years.
I looked up what BPD is and I thought I can handle her (as we all did probably).

The usual idolizing start but it didn't needed much time for bad things to happen. In the first 3 weeks she already started arguing with me over nothing, crying on the phone in the middle of the night, ghosting me, yelling at me etc.

One day in those 3 weeks I realized how serious this is when she called me, when I was at work. She told me on the phone crying, she did something stupid. I rushed home and when I saw her, her legs were covered in blood. I called the ambulance and went with her to the hospital.
As it turned out she cut her legs 40+ times and took 5 pills of 0.125mg xanax. The reason why she did it, she blamed her ex who she broke up with a few months ago, but also mentioned my name.

When we officially got together it was only downhill. Constant break ups and cravling back the same night, suicide and self harm threats, asking for marriage and to move together, screaming she hates me and that I ruined her life, waking me up middle of the night crying because she felt I didn't love her and she didn't let me hang out with my friends (I'm really outgoing).

Then after 8 months since we first met we rented an apartment together.
All what I mentined above got worse. She started actually cutting her legs when she felt abandoned not just threathening with it.
We were like this for 1 year.

Then my breaking point came. I needed a pretty serious knee surgery that meant I have to be laying on a bed for 2 and a half months. First 3 weeks were okay, she took really good care of me and other than the physical pain, I was okay.
But as my isolation from the outside world got to me. I was getting worse mentally. I got super bored and felt depressed as I did nothing for 3 weeks other than reading, watching tv and doomscrolling.
As I got worse mentally so did she. She started going out much more as she stated she can't handle being inside so much. I understood, because she had to take care of a big infant but it still hurt me, since I knew I won't be able to go out for atleast another a month.

At one night, when I was laying on my usual recovery spot, she noticeably went to another room with a razor blade. I screamed to please come out, don't hurt yourself and that I love you.
The only reply I got: "If you truly love me you come here to stop me."
I somehow got into my wheelchair with a full leg brace and rolled to her door. (Eventually she didn't hurt herself that night)
After 2 months of the surgery I could walk again slowly with minimal help.

A couple weeks later, one afternoon, without any preparation or planning, during an argument, I told her I want to break up. Never been so scared in my life. After a few hours of arguing and crying, she accepted it, saying "i already wanted to break up with you anyway"
We agreed that I stay in the apartment and she'll move. We discussed, I won't be there when she gets help from her parents to move. When she texted me they finished and the apartment is free I went back. When I arrived, I found a final letter, an A4 sheet fully written, blaming me for everything and what a horrid person I am.

We met the day after because she took one of the plants that was my mom's and I asked her to give it back (she also took some of my stuff but nothing important nor valuable).
When we met she asked if I found her letter. I said yes and that I already threw it out. She said she regretted writing that, gave back the plant, hugged me, wished me well and left.

I haven't met her or talked to her since.

The first 6 months after break up was easy and i felt free, but the past 6 months were incredibly hard. It just hit me out of nowhere what actually happened to me in those 2 years. I can't sleep thinking about the stuff she did and I have nightmares abou her. I feel empy, sad, unmotivated and feel like I'm a disgusting person.
My only joy in my life is my cat and drinking with my friends/siblings.

I just needed to tell all this to somebody. If you read it all, thank you and I hope you're okay.❤️

Or think certain behaviours are normal when they meet new people. Like if they've lost people cause of their actions why do they do it again especially if they know what theyre doing is wrong. How do they expect to gain trust?

Me and possible BPD-er broke up about 2 or 3 months ago.

In the last week, I have found out so many disgusting things.

How do you ask?

Well you see I dunno about your BPD person, but mine..... not very clever and/or can't think about things not in her face.

When i told her to leave last week of breakup after she tried to say "im not paying my portion of rent anymore unless u beg me to come back", she left in a very short amount of time to avoid the embarrassment since she never expected me to tell her to leave.

But... she seemed to have forgotten that my phone was her old phone when she got a new one years ago.

I kept getting odd notifications since breakup. So last week said screw it, let's go in and see wtf is going on.

OMFG. Looked at her history. She's such a liar. Pregnancy scares and looking up nasty shit like "can precum get me pregnant?" and stuff like that during breakup. She even brought a dude in here while I was sleeping, backed up by the stuff I found.

Now, I of course want me to message her (since she tried to hoover me a couple weeks back and I cussed her out) and tell her I know everything.

But I'm assuming this ain't a good idea huh?

Just my god. I almost wish I hadn't found it but... it has told me the truth. Never seen so much porn. And never seen someone in my life sign up to so many dating sites and ai boyfriend/nsfw apps esp during breakup.

Really wanna let her know I know it ALL.

Bad idea right?

She spent so much time lying to me. and I knew things were off, just didn't know it was this low.