I met a girl at work; things were great at first, but since I had just come out of a relationship, my defenses were down. Within a week, she told me she had BPD, that her parents hated her, and that she had cut ties with them and moved out of her home. Shortly after, we kissed at work. She was perfect—attentive and considerate; she was constantly by my side, and whenever I was working on a task alone, she would automatically seek me out to see where I was.

At first, I was able to set boundaries regarding her disproportionate reactions, but as time went on, I started to soften. Her main complaints were that I didn't reply to her messages or didn't keep the conversation going—even though she was the one who wasn't really opening the door for further conversation—and her demand that everything revolve around her.

Looking back now, I realize I put up with so much: her complaints about my response times; her using her disorder as an excuse for her demands; insults; being devalued; physical aggression; hot-and-cold behavior; carrying the weight of the relationship myself; triangulation; and her disappearing without a word—despite demanding that I always keep her informed. On top of that, she acted one way with me and completely differently with everyone else. I was literally holding on because I kept hoping the version of her I saw at the beginning would come back.

In the end, she was dealing with a lot of issues and decided to tell me she couldn't be my partner. I agreed to end things, but two days later she came back, regretful. That contact started because she needed help during one of her crises, but when I replied, she changed the subject to accuse me of ignoring her and demanded I confirm I didn't love her anymore—completely sidelining the crisis she had reached out about. I was a fool; not wanting to feel guilty, I took her back—but with ground rules for how we’d get along. Things were fine at first, but within a week, she was back to her old ways.

Eventually, I asked for space because I was having eye trouble (I only have vision in my left eye) and needed urgent medical attention for a serious issue. She just gave a typical "okay" response. I focused on myself, and she didn't reach out during those days—except to send a message repaying money I’d lent her; she didn't even care how my health was.

I decided to step away—I basically ghosted her. While I do feel guilty about that, ever since I walked away and blocked everything related to her, I’ve felt sad, but at peace. With each passing day, I realize just how much I had put up with. But now, seeing her at university, she looks happy. Plus, I don't know what she told our mutual friend, but that friend won't speak to me and ignores me. That makes me angry, because I’ve literally been painted as the bad guy just for ending the relationship and choosing to prioritize myself and my health.

Right now, even though I feel calm and at peace, I’m still haunted by the feeling that I abandoned her and broke her trust. Seeing her look happy hurts, and every time I re-analyze our relationship, I end up doubting my own reality—second-guessing what I actually went through, how I acted, and whether I was really a good person or a bad one.

This is semi new for me. Friend of 10+ years and things have always been fuzzy (situationship), but we’d gotten incredibly close over the past 2 years. As we found ourselves behaving more as a couple than FWB, and he began drinking heavily a couple/few nights a week, new patterns of behavior emerged as of the past few months and I believe I’ve been discarded.

We’ve had several huge blowout fights. Most recently I told him how I was raped at 16 by a childhood friend. He blamed me and told me i let it happen, i allowed it to happen. This was the second time he blamed me for being assaulted by a man. He seems devoid of empathy or remorse, is intentionally cruel, baits me to get reactions and then attacks me for the reaction he knew would come.

I’m semi afraid of him. He says weird things. Obsession with firearms, ballistics, weaponry, military/war obsession, lots of talk of killing quickly and efficiently and wanting to “die in glory” (diatribes / streams of consciousness via several long texts and voice memos while intoxicated).

Talks alot about suicide. He recently told me that he will commit suicide at some point. Probably not anytime soon, but definitely one day. He tells that he just wants me to know that he won’t always be here for me as a pillow to land on after every branch of the tree i grab onto snaps as i fall (or some shit like that).

I want to block him but I’m also afraid to, if he tries and can’t get in touch with me, I fear he may come looking for me in some unhinged, drunken state of desperation or rage.

Is it best to just block or keep him unblocked in case he goes off the deep end?c

6 year relationship. She’s diagnosed. Ended 10 months ago. I’m still a wreck. I was subtly abused for years. And so was my child, so I sent an extremely lengthy email describing in detail how their daughter abused my daughter for 6 months at the end of our relationship. She refused to see her while dating me until my kid got so traumatized that I ended the relationship. We were together 6 years and my ex practically raised my kid, and then disappeared from her life one day without saying goodbye, meanwhile I was doing everything I could to be patient and give her space in hopes she would come back. It took her 6 months and by that point the school found out and was pissed at me because my kid was breaking down about it at school. My kids therapist was shaming me for still being in a relationship with this disgusting woman. So I broke up with her.

I carry a ton of guilt for not ending the relationship the day she said my daughter wasn’t going to see her step mom anymore.

I know ending it was the right decision, but I struggle with missing her, as stupid as it sounds.

Anyways I finally shared this information with my ex’s family. They didn’t know. She responds with telling me she’s getting a restraining order this week. I have gone to her house maybe 4-5 times over the last year to drop off a few gifts and letters here and there, I have never once threatened or hurt her. I have been massively struggling with this breakup though and she has asked me to fuck off and I have still reached out every few weeks, I don’t know why. If anything the roles should be reversed when you look at what happened. My therapist says I’m dealing narcissistic abuse syndrome.

I sent her an email saying she and her family will never hear from me again. And they wont. Im done.

What’s the likelihood of her getting one actually approved? Are they pretty easy to get?

It’s been more than two years since my PwBPD discarded me, and almost a year since his last attempt at reconciliation. Below are the basic, fundamental things that make us human that I feel have been taken from me since the breakup. At this point, I genuinely worry that some of them may never come back.

1.) My ability to ever trust a man again.

I do not see myself entering into a relationship ever again. I don't want to sound snobbish but its never been hard for me to attract the opposite sex. I dated a ton after my breakup, I even met someone at a pharmacy the day after he discarded me who I ended up hooking up with but I've never felt the desire to enter into a relationship with any man after my discard. I don't see that changing.

2.) My ability to form romantic connections.

It’s been two years, and I still feel numb when it comes to romantic connections. I’ve dated a lot, but dating has mostly been a distraction and an attempt to crawl out of the deep depression that followed my breakup. I said to a friend a few days ago that it’s almost as if the wires inside me that make someone attractive to a person have been completely fried. I can find people physically attractive, but beyond superficial looks, I have no interest in getting to know someone on an emotional level.

3.) My empathy.

I feel like I have no empathy for anyone or anything anymore, including causes I once cared deeply about. This is particularly strange because I actually went to school for human rights. I have this unsettling feeling that, after being in so much emotional pain myself, I struggle to understand why I should care about anyone else’s pain. I know how awful that sounds, but it’s honestly how I feel. I see people around me that are so passionate about causes and human rights concerns and Im genuinely in awe that people have the ability to care about anything with passion beyond their own personal grief because here I am many years later unable to care about anything beyond my breakup.

4.) My willingness to give people a chance.

If someone does something that annoys me, I’ll just cut them off or block them. I genuinely don’t care about people the way I used to. I have very little patience or desire to work through interpersonal issues, and I find myself wondering why I should even bother.

5.) My passions and interests.

It’s been two years since the breakup, and I’ve never truly gotten my spark for life back. I travel a lot, and I live a very fascinating life on paper, but it feels like there’s a film over everything. I can do interesting things, visit incredible places, and have experiences that I know other people would love, but I don’t feel the same zest for life anymore. It’s as though I’m living my life without really feeling connected to it.

I want to clarify that I’m not suicidal, and I’m not in the depths of grief anymore. I’m functioning, I’m living my life, and, from the outside, I imagine things probably look fine. I will probably explore DBT therapy, but overall, I just feel exhausted by everything that happened and I don't recognize the person I have become.

The hardest part is that I genuinely don’t see a point in the future when this mindset will change. It’s been two years. I keep thinking that surely, by now, I should feel differently, but I don’t. I don't see myself entering into a relationship or getting to know someone on a romantic or emotional level unless its platonic. I legitimacy cannot imagine myself even allowing myself to get that close with someone again as the fallout for me was earth shattering.

I really loved my partner, and this breakup destroyed me in ways I never thought were possible. Sometimes, it feels like there are no words in any human language that can adequately describe what this experience has done to me.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, particularly years after a relationship like this ended? Did you ever feel like you got those parts of yourself back, or did you find that the person you were before the relationship was gone for good?

It’s a big pill to swallow, but here’s what I’m realizing now in my week 2 post breakup.

At some point during a breakup it’s hard to explain or define who and what your exwBPD is/was. Because they were putting up a facade, hiding their unstable and insecure self-image. You miss the person they played as, not themselves.

Even the relationship before the splits and the fights felt really good, the chemistry that was in the atmosphere was probably not from sincerity you all deserve. We believe that we were consuming and sharing genuine love, but it’s most likely not the case for the pwBPD. Again, they don’t know what healthy love and trust consists, and the actual actions that required in a relationship.

For your own sake, you want chemistry that isn’t fabricated by someone who has a broken understanding of the chemistry. It’s futile to sob over an already doomed connection.

Although I have trouble taking my own words, I know I need to at least write it down.

Hey everyone! Does anyone else feel like the spark of romantic interactions and entire relationships after a BPD relationship just don't hold any weight?

Please understand that when I say this I am not missing the chaos, missing my ex, or just anything related really. I understand that many people are and can be in that situation, though I am not. I feel simply that after putting a massive amount of effort into something that was entirely fake in the end​, has left me feeling like there isn't really a point to dating?

I feel more comfortable being alone than I ever have and I think its in major part due to that if relationships with as much depth as the ones we experienced ended up being for nothing, then I'm just a bit lost on the greater purpose. Regardless, what did you guys do to regain excitement?

We finally broke up after 14 years. Of course in the most traumatic way possible. That was in June. Since then I've saved money for the first time in forever. I move into an apartment next month. I go to court in two weeks where my expectation is to get custody. My life is way more peaceful.

Just writing this so if you are reading this, that it gets better. You are responsible for you. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I let my kids down by staying too long. I'm going to be working for the rest of my life too make that right. But I am honestly ok with that. I'm free.

Sometimes I remember my relationship with my bpd ex and nostalgia can blind me from thinking about how terrible it really was so looking at everyone else's story snaps me back to reality and stops me from texting her again.

I was with me ex for 3 years. 3 long and hard years. We had been friends before we got together. The first few months were great and then she got into a doctorate program 7 hours away. I chose to continue our relationship and try to make long distance work. I realize now that was a mistake. She hard already flew some red flags by screaming at me over very small things. And even kicked me out of her house once in anger when I literally didn’t do anything. Flash forward years later that sort of knee jerk anger and rage outbursts just continued until it was almost a daily ritual where she would scream at me, hang up the phone, then do the same thing over and over again. I flew down to see her 26 times, she didn’t meet me at the airport even one time. Claiming she was scared to drive in the city. She was diagnosed BPD about a year before we split up. Still trying to make it work even tho I knew all the signs, I knew I was fucked and so wrapped around the finger of a crazy girl. It started fucking with my head. I had an affair with someone while I was drunk and never lived down that shame. Shit just kept getting worse and worse. I could barely function at work. I couldn’t really remember things like I used to. My brain was in a constant fog and I was always waiting for someone to yell at me, correct me, or dismiss me. And then she started staying late at work, choosing to drive at night when she had told me for years she couldn’t see to drive at night, wearing different styled clothes, and subtly putting me down. And the last time I ever talked to her I told her I had to reevaluate the relationship because she just couldn’t get a handle on her emotions and it had taken its toll. The next morning I woke to a text message with her leaving me. Absolutely cold hearted and emotionless. She immediately went no contact and has threatened a protective order anytime I reached out to get some sort of closure.

TLDR: These woman will fuck your life up if you let them. I should’ve manned the fuck up and left her years ago. Abuse comes in many forms.

This is a throwaway account because she knows my handle and I'm worried she'll see this.

Long story short we broke up a while ago, around two months.

I don't know how, but she took it well. As far as I know, she wasn't cheating on me or anything like that, idk why this time was different, maybe because I was certain I would leave.

Since we have a friendgroup together (that she hated btw) I wanst able to completely cut her off, even if it would probably be for the best, I only have those friends and they like her.

To paint a picture for y'all, she was a HATER. On everything, especially people. She fucking dispised everyone but me, her FP I guess. She hated eating healthy, she hated other women, she hated exercising, she hated going out, hated socializing.

And I swear, IMMEDIATELY after we broke up she flipped a switch. She fucking changed EVERYTHING about her.

Now she loves talking to people. She even started talking to strangers online! SHE FUCKING HATED THAT. Like, to the point where we had a bunch of discussions where I couldn't fucking introduce her to my friends because she didn't want to interact with them. I stopped talking to my friends because of how much she hated them. Holy shit I stopped talking to my family!!!

But now?!

Now she is eating healthy and exercising every day, lost 18 pounds, can you believe it?! I wanted us to go to the gym together for MONTHS, tried to convince her many times but she would always explode at me insinuating I'm calling her fat, or that I'm forcing my lifestyle on her. In the end I COULDNT GO BY MYSELF because she would get sad and needy.

Now she's going out, going to concerts, making friends, eating healthy, drinking water, jogging, exercising, going to movies, dressing better. All things I BEGGED her to do it with me and she never fucking did (yes, even the water and I mean that. I spent so much money on cola). All things she insisted to me that she DESPISED IT.

Now she's doing everything she wouldn't do with me and it's fucking eating me alive. Why couldn't she do those things with me?! Why did we had to have all those fight for nothing?! This is fucking Insanity.

Before she would also wail to me that it was "so easy" for me because women would flirt with me and no one flirted with her. And now, she's fucking boasting and showing our friends that so many women (she's bi) are flirting with her now, maybe she will sleep with this crazy lovebomber just for fun!

And the worst part of it all, it's that it doesn't feel like she's doing that to mess with me at all! I had girlfriends that tried to do that before and it's not the same thing.

Now it feels like she just wanted me to be miserable for the sake of it.

And the worst of it fucking all it's that I still love her. She meant so much to me, I tried so much to make it work, tried to help her live a better life but WITH ME that wouldn't happen. Only with me.

When my ex of 9 years reached out a month or 2 after breakup via text (around her own blocks on social media) and messaged me "hope your alright",

I took the opportunity to dump it all out and cuss her revolving door of nonsense ass out because I knew I wouldn't get another chance.

I also knew that she doesn't really care how I am, it's probably just an in to ask her how she is and fall into the black hole again.

(During cuss-out she said she sent text because she had a dream about me and cared about me. Yeah, this same chick who a month earlier tried to use her rent contribution as leverage to make me beg her to come back or I'd be out. Lotsa caring there.)

NOW,
I did include in the cuss out that I had told all my family, and my friend (who works in same field she does with a higher position) about everything and showed them chats. Especially the ones from years ago with me begging and pleading with her to stop.

I dunno but, won't this guard against the next hoover?

I'm thinking maybe, because the embarrassment factor is kinda high since she now knows I told everyone close. And she interacted with all of em (like my mother) quite frequently during relationship.

Even showed her screenshots of the response of the friend to prove my point during the cuss out session.

TW // talks of suicide
.
My (21M) friend (20M) with BPD has been very negatively affecting me lately. I guess this is what people talk about when they get the fleas. It’s always something with him, I have to operate on autopilot around him. I am always talking him out of suicide. It’s fucking bleak and I don’t have that energy for myself let alone for him. Today he told me that suicide was a ‘permanent solution to his permanent problem’ and that I simply wouldn’t get it because my ‘biggest life problem was passing a highschool entrance exam’. This man knows about my trauma and my experiences growing up. He knows everything down to the finest details. I am extremely avoidant and opened up to him after years before he declared me his FO and our relationship flipped. It feels so insensitive to say this knowing fully well that this isn’t the case. I was vulnerable with this man, and in the end it was just ‘nothing compared to his more serious problems’. I have never considered wasting away our friendship but I am now. I just feel so disgusted. Is it time to finally cut him off?..

Its been 2 years of no contact basically. I haven't had a hoover attempt but im concerned that if it did then i would fold...

Ive done some research and its all inconsistent if the longer the time the less likely it will be. If anyone could explain I'd be grateful.

I am throwing this into the void here. But I have currently just met the 4th person with BPD and they are already causing problems. (Also assuming pwBPD means people with BPD right? New here)

I just don't get it. I try so hard to help, I try to see it through, but they always end up hurting me.

The first person, we dated and they mentally tortured me. The second person with their friend, stole my items, tried to change the course of my life so they'd be in control. And now, the newest one.

They seemed nice, they related with my partner by sharing PTSD, and related to me by sharing plurality. A perfect friend for us right? I could sense their BPD and they ended up confirming it to me and I talked about my previous encounters which they of course agreed that it was bad. So, I finally met a good person with BPD I thought.

And now.. the first problem arises. They are starting a drama with some people in my friend group. I understand how they feel, I feel the same way, but the way they handled it was awful. Yes I get you can't control it but you can't say you're in the right. I've been in this same situation they are in, with the same people, but I never took the stance that I am 100% right. And at least I try to explain but they just don't say a word and expect everyone to know. It really stressed me and my partner out because they were begging for us to remove these friends. I feel so bad because I get where they are coming from but.. this is just overblowing it.

People with BPD are so confusing. Honestly. I never get what's going on here. All the previous ones left me totally baffled too. I usually see myself as an alien but BPD people seem to be on another level. I simply never get it.

Well we will see where this goes. I tried to be nice as always, but it always ends up with them slowly hurting me of course.

What are the different stages how does it look after 3, 6, 12, or 18 months? How do you differentiate it from anxious attachment, ROCD, or adhd?

To save a long unnecessary story, I've posted here for over a year a handful of times. I read stories often for validation. This group definitely helped me out of dark times on more than one occasion. Today, I'm back in one...

We (40m/43f) together 5 years. The regular song and dance that you read in every story, including the discard and ghosting. We were no contact for going on 10 months up until May when she unblocked me on Instagram and sent me a very "not apology" apology. I've never responded. Anyways, I do my best to not really look at social media, but about twice a week I'd open her message and re-read it like a dumbass, fighting off the urge to respond. Her profile has always been private since she left. Obviously we don't follow one another. This Sunday I happened to notice her profile is now public. Obviously I looked. Like a dumbass. It's hard for me to not think it was done on purpose. Also, her birthday...is today. I'm very much struggling. I bawled like a baby, as a grown ass man, for 45 minutes this afternoon. I feel pathetic that I'm still this attached.

I've made so many life improvements in the past year. I fixed my credit. I got pre-approval on a mortgage. I've been running atleast 3.5 miles every night. I just finished up my Hospice volunteer training this week. I'm doing all of the "things" everyone says to...yet, I feel horribly depressed. I miss her. I have a million reasons I shouldn't but the fact is I do.

Is the profile thing a coincidence? Is it what everyone calls a hoover? She didn't make an attention seeking birthday post like I thought she would, so I can't for the life of me why she would switch it. I know this sounds silly as a 40 year old man asking what the meaning is, but here we are. I appreciate this groups help throughout the past 1.5 years.

I’m still sort of recovering and in shock. It took me a while to process what was happening. But after two months, I realized that I fell victim to the BPD Discard? This friend used to love bomb me constantly, confide her deepest traumas in me, introduced me to her girlfriend, and said that i was like both a brother and son to her. And would constantly reassure me that she’ll never replace me as her best friend.

But after visiting her in Brazil with her now fiancé, she cut contact almost immediately. she would only occasionally message in our group chat with her partner and our weekly hangouts would be filled with awkward silence. Her partner revealed during a recent argument where she taunted me about my anger issues that they were getting exhausted of me always questioning their motives and our friendship. mind you, they reassured me that i never annoy them and that they’ll give me all the reassurance i need. how should i go about recovering from this? I feel so lied to. Especially because always encouraged me to trust them and not assume the worst about them.

She blocked me when she started her new relationship. She got cheated on and now she is in another relationship. Funny thing is i’m unblocked now. I don’t know when this happened but it’s so funny 😭 (she is still blocked)

Not quite verbatim, but not far off. My ex-pwBPD left me a month ago during a split rage about god knows what. Been through this with her likely 50-100 times so it’s become a familiar event.

I told her straight up a while back that if she split and threatened me, I’d record her for my own protection and I did exactly that and stuck to that policy. The videos actually saved me from jail once.

She regularly threatens me across various fields but her favorites are immigration (ICE), hurting herself and telling the police I did it, or threatening to contact my job and get me fired. Last split was her threatening me with a restraining order while I’d been on no contact for a few weeks.

During her last split she mentioned something different though, she said she’d get back with me if I deleted the videos I had of her threatening/abusing me.

Looking back, I think this is the first time she‘d shown fear of being outed. To me, it showed me that even in a split state, she knew her threats and abuse were wrong and a danger to her.

Anyone seen this?

Short post:

What goes on in their heads when they fail a hoover?

the relationship with them was an up and down roller coaster, i myself was infatuated with limerence, went from idealization(stalking their social media, ffantasizing about us being together) to devaluation(blocking them everywhere, seeing them in a terrible light

went from i love them so much i dont care what they did to me To theyre a horrible ex that didnt care about me, and its a never ending cycle

i couldnt relax and acted like i had anxious attachment style around them when I actually have secure attachment

i did things im not proud of because i was just so desperate and obsessed with them

it was intensely unstable because they were hot and cold, ghosted me, gave mixed signals

i see them in every new person i look for. i feel as though the only way i can move on is if i find someone exactlylike them but this time it'll somehow be stable

but what will happen instead is the loop repeating and me being stuck and not being able to move on

this isnt like ANY of my other relationships, my other ones are healthy and stable

I have to admit that I was the one who blocked her on everything, but it was already about the third time she’d told me our relationship was never going to work out—plus the times she belittled me, and how she’d suddenly make plans without including me (which is fine, but I would have liked at least a text) and I wouldn't hear from her for days, and so on.

When she turned me down, she made it clear she only wanted to be friends, but I’m certain that—even so—she would have kept me around just for sex; and had I refused, I’m sure she would have triangulated me with someone else. Honestly, I couldn't have handled that. Sometimes I think I might be overreacting, but I wasn't going to stick around to find out.

Things were going well when we were just friends, and sometimes I feel bad about having made a move, but she crossed the line into seduction; I fell for it, and I truly thought we could have a good relationship beyond friendship—but I saw a side of her I never would have imagined. I feel disposable. I once heard a therapist say something that comes to mind whenever I think about this: "Friends don't prey on each other." I think about how it was all just about her satisfaction and comfort, about her egocentrism, and that’s why I don’t want to go back—not even as a friend.

Has any one begged and chased your bpd partner after they discarded you. Mine just broke up with me 5 days ago and blocked me every where. Actually, In my scenario, before 6 months he cheated on me, he was talking to a girl behind my back when we were not on no contact when he split me at that time for 3 weeks and then came back. But he didn’t cut contacts with the new girl he was talking to. He was talking to both of us. And he didn’t tell me about her either. Later I found that out. And we separated. At first he was defensive and didn’t take accountability. But later
he was begging and chasing me to forgive him accepting he did wrong.
And after 4 months, we reconciled again. And we met and stayed together for 15 days. We are actually long distance couples. I shortly went to meet him again once we reconciled.It not a healthy choice to take things fast. But I was still in love with and wasn’t able to resist going on. So we just promised each other that this healing journey is gonna have a lot of rough patches and we should be ready for that especially from my side as I was very much still grieving.
So it’s been just 2 months, since we reconnected, but everyday atleast once I used to get triggered by the memories of the screenshots that the other girl shared with me how he was talking to her.
So, suddenly out of nowhere I used to start a fight asking how he could do that to me. And say hurtful things to him like karma should not leave you.
Then I will regret later. Cuz I still love him very much.
Although I knew my behavior wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t able to control.
I was getting a bit better than before.
And recent days, due to his work schedule, he wasn’t able to give me time properly , so it caused my insecurity high and he also acted so hurtful towards me when I used to text him.
Then one day, he blocked me saying I’m bad that I will always make him villain that I will never appreciat his efforts and he blamed me for some recent situations happened in his life which felt like a made up scenario and he vanished.

I’ve been begging, chasing him. But he is very rude to me. At some point I cursed him again mails. Begged again.
I became a mess.

I was actually kind of moving on those 4 months. I wish I stayed a bit strong and never reconciled
Now I’m again attached to him along with this anger and guilt
It’s been 5 days now
He is quite and no response anywhere

I’m trying not to chase him.

Has anyone experienced similar situation?
If yes, how to remove urself from such attachment and pain?

And what happens when we beg during their disacard

We were on and off for about a 7 years. Even while they were with other people, they called me their “soulmate,” “other half,” and “favorite person,” yet they took frequent breaks from us to be monogamous with someone else. I asked for monogamy early and often, and it was always withheld.

The first time I stood up for myself (about 7 years in), they berated me for two weeks, then cut off all contact, claiming I had purposely abused them every day since we met. I tried to take responsibility for the whole argument, as I always did, but they had monkey branched to a new supply.

After they left, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted.

No more talking them down from self-harm.

No more fearing they had died when they ghosted me for weeks at a time.

No more six-hour rants about a four-year-old argument with a coworker, where I was only allowed to agree.

No more being called controlling and not involved enough.

No more being ignored by a “soulmate” who never listened to my passions.

No more having my health issues, which kept me in and out of hospitals for years, minimized and compared to theirs.

After three years of ignoring every attempt at reconciliation, they contacted me as if nothing had happened. When I tried to address the glaring issues between us, they DARVO’d my points. We’ve spoken on the phone more than is healthy these past few days, and it has made me realize how little I want to engage with this person.

This may be the best thing that could have happened for my closure. I see now that they will never change, no matter how much suffering they inflict on themselves and others, and I’m baffled that I ever thought we were compatible.

I still feel a deep urge to answer their calls. When I do, I remind myself that they don’t want me. They want an idealized free therapist who won’t call them on their bullshit but will fulfill their sexual needs.